Specifically ones related to “cube life,” which according to this memo sent to employees, include not pulling a “prarie-dog,” slurping, tapping your pen, having a heated conversation with your mother, or audibly breathing.
From: [Redacted at Morgan Stanley]
Subject: Cubicle EtiquetteAs our team has grown and our space has become more populated, just a few reminders to basic guidelines for cubicle life.
Privacy
· Never enter someone’s cubicle without permission. Behave as though cubicles have doors and do not enter before you have eye contact “permission” from the occupant.
· Don’t “prairie-dog” over the tops of cubes or peek in as you walk past each one.
· Don’t loiter outside someone’s cube while you wait for him or her to finish a phone call. Come back at another time.
· Never read someone’s computer screen or comment on conversations you’ve overheard. Resist answering a question you overhead asked in the cube next to you.
Phones
· Try to pick up your phone after one or two rings. Set the ringer volume at a low level.
· Please do not use speaker phone at your desk. Use a meeting room for conference calls that require speaker broadcasting.
· Watch your volume when talking on the phone. A headset can help keep your voice low.
· When you leave your cubicle, turn your phone ringer off and let it go to voicemail or forward your phone number to your new location.
· Never leave your cell phone behind in your cube without first turning it off or to vibrate.
· With personal or sensitive calls, be aware that your neighbors can hear your end of the conversation.
Talking
· Use your “library voice”.
· Don’t talk through cube walls or congregate outside someone’s cube. For impromptu meetings, go to a conference room or break room.
· Don’t bring clients to your cube to meet with them. Go to an office or conference room.
· Don’t yell across the “cube farm”. Get up and move to the other person’s location.
General Noise
· Use email or instant messaging to communicate silently with your coworkers.
· Set your PC volume to a low level or use a headset.
· Avoid gum-popping, humming, slurping and pen tapping.
Related: Area Credit Suisse Employee Chose…Unwisely? (Update)
What no gum-popping? This isn’t Mississippi?
Oh I want to add one:
“Please don’t shit on or near your direct supervisor’s desk.”
Slurping…
Can I “prairie dog” in my own cube?
I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she’s filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I’m collating so I don’t see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
Well, if it’s gong to this kind of party I’m going to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes. Is that allowed during lunches in the cube farm?
So as I read this icing your cube bros is still fair game. Amirite?
The whole no slurping thing really blows, I wonder if they have the same policy on corporate jets? Nothing about queefing and chewing with your mouth open? Looks like I found the next shooting local for Closing Bell.
-M. Bartiromo
I saw no reference to slamming your secretary, whats the courtesy on that? I assume pulling out and laminating her back is out?
What’s the protocol for banging the maid afterhours?
but can you knock down your cube wall to give yourself a sunny view?
From: [Redacted at Morgan Stanley]
Subject: Cubicle Etiquette
As our team has grown and our space has become more populated, just a few reminders to basic guidelines for cubicle life:
SETTING YOUR DICK ON FIRE
If you feel the need to self immolate your penis, please go to the special stall in the men’s room for that purpose. Safety sensors and smoke detectors are there to help us all.
BREAKING WIND (FARTING)
Again, we may have fabric and aluminum walls all around us but noisy ones or SBDs. Please see your IT rep for a can of AXE “cube spray”.
NUDITY
Please use your company provided nudity drape for your cube. Remember that our new efforts shun “cube viewing” while transiting the cube floor but some drapery is required.
PUNCHING OUT IT EXECS
First of all, please don’t.. and secondly please use your 16 oz company logoed boxing gloves if necessary.
“FARMER BLOWS” or BOOGER TOSSING
We all can’t be Dr. Tom Osborne so please refrain from nostril pinched “farmer blows” or booger tossing in your cube.
PERSONAL DILDOS
Please make sure your dildos, company provided or personal, are turned off or not humming while you are out of your cube.
FANTASY SPORTS LEAGUES
Whan reviewing your fantasy athletes weekly performances, please refrain from heavy sighs, palm slapping your work station and guttoral noises.
USING THE WORD, “HOSS”: Using the word HOSS when greeting a client or prospect over the phone (as in, “Hey HOSS, how’s it hangin’?) is prohibited.
CROTCH RUBBING
Knowingly or unknowingly rubbing your crotch while talking to fellow employees in your cube is hereby prohibited.
JOSH BIRNBAUM IMPERSONATIONS
Male staffers: Please try to resemble or act in such a fashion as Josh Birnbaum would if he officed in a cube.
SCROTAL APPLIQUES
Please apply any gold leafing in the special stall in the men’s room. Gold vajazzling will be addressed in another email.
What’s the word on fuck-me boots?
Fucking MS. What a joke. The person who took the time to write this email should be shot and hung by their balls at a gas station.
This is what happens when you poorly design your office space and stick everyone on top of each other like a meat locker. Fuck’em.
Its called use common fucking sense. And if you don’t have any of that then your co-workers are allowed to give you a fucking beat down for these transgressions. One public bludgeoning and this shit would not continue.
@13, classic. And can you prairie dog if you are a wide-clops?
@14 so, first off, nice post, I like that you used the term meat locker, but, thought you could have used it a little better. however I do have one question, in your first paragraph, I completely understand the shooting and ball hanging part (this was great btw), what is the relevance of the gas station?
I used to work for a guy in Cincinnati that used tape to mark his “pretend door” and we had to pretend knock to go into his cube.
this must be a memo from IT– no way trading would put up with all these “rules”
“this must be a memo from IT”
nope.
@17 that’s kind of hilarious. especially if he was a real prick about it.
Mussolini was hung at a gas station. It was flair of history panache.
On 29 April 1945, the bodies of Mussolini, Petacci, and the other executed Fascists were loaded into a moving van and trucked south to Milan. There, at 3 a.m., they were dumped on the ground in the old Piazza Loreto. The piazza had been renamed “Piazza Quindici Martiri” in honor of 15 anti-Fascists recently executed there.[125]
After being shot, kicked, and spat upon, the bodies were hung upside down on meathooks from the roof of a gas station.
@17 You knew Les Nessman too?
Hey it doesn’t say anything about ass fucking. Cool
@5/9&10, nice
@17, Thanks for the inspiration
@20 ah, got it, preesh…now that I understand it…nice reference.
expressio unius est exclusio alterius
I think this is just a new strategy to make people quit so they won’t have to pay severance, etc. etc.
Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit.
-non 25
Ummmmmmm yeah, Peter, I am going to need you on Saturday and Sunday; umkayyyyy? Great – Lundberg
Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur.
~Gaius Doofus
Trader of Grains and Fish Oil
Temple of the Large Bosomed Goddesses
Pompeii
Did BL fall for the WKRP gag or is my sarcasm sensor broken?
is this a joke? i’ll be glad if someone doesn’t knock me over on my chair at my cube-less, wall-less space
@31 sadly not a joke. work at MS, they actually sent this out.
they all make fucking sense to me.
i’d much rather have this than ray dailo’s 5,320+ point manifesto on being a cocksucker.
hahahaha. hilarious! when you get canned cuz you thought you were in ‘nam … here’s a resume rap video to help you find another job!
http://iget2work.com/2010/05/resume-rap/
there are no cubes at 200 west
unbelievable. Does it say anything about slapping it to the youtube video of Liz Claman? Nope? Then I’m good.
All joking aside, its sad that a memo like this even has to be sent out.
@17 – I thought that was just an urban legend?
* For insider trading tips, please use non-company phones or email
* When selling bad investment products do not use firm email to refer to it as “pos”, or sh!t
* Posting on Dealbreaker regarding our dysfunctional firm prohibited
* Spreading gossip about executives sexual indiscretions with staff is discouraged
* If you wish to spend your day surfing porn get a job at the SEC
@38 ftw
NONONONONONONONO
@5 FTW
Heyyy Peter, What’ssss happennnninnng?
I work at Morgan Stanley and have not seen this memo. Hopefully it’s a joke as we encourage open verbal communication..
@41 Welcome, Sarah. Is DealBreaker Still blocked at Morgan Stanley?
@41 my friend works at Morgan and she did get this email too. Sadly, very sadly, it’s not a joke.