UBS Messes With Client, Literally Gets A Bull’s Horns

Just go with it for a sec.

Let me ask you people something. If you were going to protest UBS, how might you do it? Stand outside the building chanting “UBS sucks”? Rent a helicopter and dump millions of 10-4’s on the roof? Smear a bunch of melted Toblerone bars on your shoes and track that shit through the lobby? Sure, if you were an unimaginative fuck, I guess you’d probably go with any one of those. Not Bauer Klemenz Marti. This UBS client wanted to think bigger. And weirder. More outside the box. He wanted people to say “This guy is fit for a straight jacket, we better listen to him.” Which is why after several months of threats and promises to do something about the unsatisfactory way in which he felt his money was being managed, he finally did it. This morning, he tied his pet bull to one of the bank’s branches in Grenchen and stayed there until 5:00PM. To send a message.

And while I see nothing wrong with this and support it in the extreme, I can’t at this time say for sure what what exactly that message was, or  what Marti was trying to accomplish with Calu (that’s the bulls name). He may have had her make a “deposit” with the bank. He may have brought her there as commentary on the service (or lack thereof) he’s been getting. He may have threatened to embarrass the firm by committing an act of love that dare not speak its name unless his demands were met. I really don’t know his rationale, as all reports so far have been in German. Regardless, there’s one thing that we can all take away from this– this guy and his bull for UBS chairman/CEO.

A spokesman for UBS declined to comment.

Update: Even better than I thought. I honestly feel like this guy has a window into my soul. Nomination stands, provided he grows the pair necessary to execute.

Months ago, Bettlach Bauer Klemenz Marti had threatened that he would advance with his 1,000-pound bull “Calu” in the ticket halls of UBS…today Marti has made his threat that is partly true: he came with his bull, not a switch in the halls of the bank, but he chained to the heavy animal of the bank.

Muni vor der UBS-Filiale in Grenchen – Bettlacher Bauer Marti machte seine Drohung wahr [Grenchen]

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33 Responses to “UBS Messes With Client, Literally Gets A Bull’s Horns”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Bull Kouwe

  2. Guy still in 2008 says:

    Obviously a paid shill for Merrill.

  3. guest says:

    UBS sucks.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Fuck (RED) bono and that fucking advertisement on this site I dont give a FUCK about AIDS that shit is only in Africa. I hit the bitches with no rubber and pop on their faces every time.

  5. guest says:

    4=UBS risk manager.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Bess, that is no way to treat one of your employees. Let Kouwe go!

  7. Anonymous says:

    If this guy was really serious he would have let the bull run loose in the branch instead of tying it up outside. He wussed out.

  8. Anonymous says:

    bull….. “her”?

  9. Egret says:

    i believe that’s Boono to you.
    -jerry jones

  10. Anonymous says:

    Mess wit da bull and youse get da horns. Dats what I always say.

  11. Anonymous says:

    you can get a good look at a butcher by sticking your head up his ass but…wait a second, it has to be your bull

  12. Anonymous says:

    He should have made sweet sweet love to it in the lobby.

    D. Kneale

  13. Anonymous says:

    I am going to release hordes of feral cats in the 299 park lobby.

  14. Bob Sacamanno says:

    he sure sowed them!

  15. Guest says:

    it’s funny, a castrated male is called a steer in the United States, and older steers are often called bullocks in other parts of the world; although in North America this term refers to a young bull.

    Piker bullocks are micky bulls that were caught, castrated and then later lost.In Australia, the term “Japanese ox” is used for grain fed steers in the weight range of 500 to 650 kg that are destined for the Japanese meat trade. Improper or late castration on a bull results in it becoming a coarse steer known as a stag in Australia, Canada and New Zealand.In some countries an incompletely castrated male is known also as a rig.

    — Guy who knows a ton about the Bovine world and hankers to share it

  16. guest says:

    @8 maybe not all of us grew up on a farm. just sayin’.

  17. Anonymous says:

    How is tying RajRaj up outside of a UBS a protest?

  18. guest says:

    @18 Nonono, it’s “Good post, but why the picture of Obama?”

  19. guest says:

    no, yes.

  20. guest says:

    Bauer is not his first name; it means farmer/peasant.

  21. Anonymous says:

    @21 Jack Bauer is going to kill you

  22. guest says:

    @2 I respect you for that.

  23. Canadian Banker says:

    @3/UBS Sucks Guy: you finally get a mention in a post.

  24. Mr. Market says:

    This is no big deal, it happens all the time outside the US. He wanted to show UBS who/what had the biggest balls.

  25. Michaels, Gregory says:

    Nails is buying deep in the money calls on BP…

  26. Anonymous says:

    Bess, big ups on the Toblerone crack. Seriously, that made me lol. I don’t know why, but it did.

  27. Anonymous says:

    @4, you do know the ads are based on your browsing history, right? For instance, when I open this site, I see ads for private jets, bazillion dollar watches, and benefit events hosted by supermodels. You see Bono’s (RED) ads, because you shop at the Gap, live with your mother, and surf for porn all day.

    (Anyone else out there like the Oxford commas? Yeah, I thought so.)

  28. Anonymous says:

    If this guy has any Sicilian roots, I imagine his next move would be to leave the bull’s head in Gruebel’s bed.

  29. Anonymous says:

    @8, I second it. Bull = his

  30. Anonymous says:


    Yeah right…

    Fess up and admit that you get “zoo world” and “” ads, you pikey wannabe!

    – not 4, but a guy who felt like standing up for 4, who I hope is probably a girl, and whom, in the absence of anything decent to trade, has spent the morning surfing craiglists erotic ads is feeling suitably generous with the love.

  31. Anonymous says:

    The guy with the bull looks a little like Joe Grano!

  32. ifXcPj Great article.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.