Hey Dealbreaker!
While I don’t have a tip, I wish I did, and I think you guys can help me get on my way to getting one to help you out. I have a proposition I would like to relay to your readership: find Me a Job and I will give you my first week’s pay!
Once hired by the firm, after I receive my first paycheck, I am willing to pay my first week’s salary to the individual whose efforts resulted in me being hired by the firm.
I am looking for an entry level (0-3yrs) position in asset management or private equity. Some responsibilities I would like to have are building financial models (including valuations or trading models) or econometric models, interpreting models to help make investment decisions, analyzing prospective investments, researching the company, bond covenants, etc, and being able to recommend investments or strategies. I am absolutely willing to learn, meet strict deadlines, and work long hours. I would like to work in NYC or Boston, but I am open to other locations. My resume can be viewed here.
In addition, I am willing to negotiate for more than my first weeks salary if I get the position.
At the very least, your readership might have fun valuing this deal.
What is the Harvard Extension School? Where’s UMass-Amherst?
Sorry amigo. You have no chance at getting into PE.
-BainCap guy still on vacation
Hey Chip- go get me a bag of upticks, will ya? Here’s cab fare. It’s in East New York.
Fucking eagle scouts haha
Harvard Extension School is an extension of Harvard, basically it is the sister community college for Harvard.
Nowhere on his resume did I see CFA charterholder. Clearly this is a fraud.
Would love to make fun of this kid, but I admire the chutzpah. Take that Harvard Extension school off the resume kid, thats weak.
Good luck and godspeed.
Fucking kid has balls
cfa level 1 candidate
read: has a credit card with a limit above the registration fee.
lexisnexis?
that’s almost as good as the resume someone sent me that listed “AOL 3.0″
Bess… you are so merciful for redacting
MBA, CFA or Harvard Extension School? Discuss.
Does he know how to use the three seashells?
I think Ping Jiang attended Harvard Extension for a spring semester to learn whiteboard modeling.
@7-
That he does, but this is akin to placing them in a door-jam and inviting the readership of Dealbreakers to come kick the door shut.
fund…accountant
@2 Had one of our clerks running around for a full day and into the next looking for upticks and gamma. Had him go from the CBOE to the Cubs game to get the upticks from the boss.
Fired him a couple weeks later since he couldn’t get his card runs or lunch orders correct. Probably should have fired him directly after he chased the upticks for so long…
What does “Achieved a 32% return from our benchmark, the S&P 500″ mean? In excess of? From 01/01/07-12/31/09?
CFA > Harvard Extension School > Cat Fanciers’ Association > MBA
@8- Or has parents willing to front said fee. It’s funny because it’s true.
A 3.2 at a non-target, and he wants PE? Riiight.
Drop the Havvaad Ext and go a bit more broad with your valuation techniques – ie. Analyzed companies using tradition value methodologies…you won’t be doing any of that so it doesn’t really matter – they will just want to know you understand what a stock is…. Play the Math geek up more, they love that sht.
@14-
Maybe he is into BSM
@16, that joke is retarded and was played out about 5 year ago…..
I was going to offer this kid a job cleaning my house Bridgehampton, perhaps I should offer it to you
@18 FTW
Kid wants to work with models. Can’t say that I blame him
http://careers.edwardjones.com/us/index.html
mail it to my office:
attn: “VP Ops – the Pig”
Two Greenwich Plaza, 3rd Floor Greenwich, CT 06830
203-742-3600
What do you think about a stimulating, fulfilling career in compliance?
Guerrero Financial may be able to use a good fallg…uh I mean…young man like this. Please forward his resume.
- Thomas Guerrero
Give the kid a chance. He’s got ambition and will do fine.
Bess – give him Kouwe’s old job getting you coffee, screening your dates, driving you to the SAC office parties, pick up feminine products at Duane Reade, make dinner party plans with your bff’s, cleaning your apartment, and doing your personal shopping.
His ability to redact, alone, should net him a job.
I could use a new fwuffer, my old one has wuff hands.
-Bawney Fwank’s penis
I’m sure Bret Easton Ellis could tell him how to find work as Julian’s Best Boy.
We’d like to talk to you: (202) 551-7500.
With a resume like that I will want 6 months at least for a job placement that he wants. Frankly, I think it is not going to happen any way he looks at it – the market is full of 4.0 from MIT grad students with DE Shaw internships that are looking for the same type of jobs.
If San Francisco works for you – we’d like to talk to this candidate. 415-267-6999
Aw Bess, soft side for Amherst alum. So sweet.
Don’t be snots. pretty much every analyst at Citadel is from a “non target” school. Plus they are not intellectually impressive.
Attending a Harvard Extension School is the new killing it.
Guarantee you that kid’s smarter than 70% of the people posting in this thread; definitely anyone that’s talking about upticking and probably anyone that’s talking about GPA.
I’d take the Merrill retail asst position off, if anything its a negative.
Damn! That’s a pretty impressive resume!
-Zach Kouwe
@36/AIG quant- UMass-Amherst is the new Amherst?
@42 thank you.
@37 I recently toured Upenn MBA and looked at some of the resumes there – there are folks that managed 1 billion before going to MBA and they had a hard time finding a job like this kid is looking for. The same applies to MIT grad students. Just saying that without years of experience this kid will most likely have to take some random finance job and hope to transfer to his target when market improves (probably post grad school/never) in this envrionment. That said – I only wish the best to him regardless.
@2 we are out of upticks. Go over to the Deutchmark pit to get some. And don’t bring me any damn downticks!
Could somebody please brief the uptick joke for me?
-Guy whose financial training involved reading Barbarians at The Gate and Liar’s Poker on a series of delayed and cancelled flights while totally wasted on over the counter South East Asian knock off Valium.
i’ve heard that UMass is educational
UMass Amherst = Amherst College Extension School (ACES)
Amherst is the new Brown.
46 got it. Close up shop. Thanks for coming out, guys.
Isn’t it a violation of the CFA Code of Conduct to state you are a CFA Level 1 Candidate? You can state you are taking the CFA exam but I am fairly sure implying you will become a CFA is a violation.
Since when did a 3.2 get you Cum Laude? Especially at a state school.
@51 = laid-off Lehman quant that attended UMass Amherst Extension School
Start your own business. You probably have the tenacity to do it. Then you can nitpick the resumes of these guys.
hell yes
@51,
“CFA Level 1 Candidate” is acceptable under standard VII.B.
-guy who has the same thing on his resume and had to resort to looking at the curriculum to see if that was OK
Is Amherst an all girls school?
What kind of comp you taking home doing 2 and 20 on $68k of AUM? Sweet deal in western mass i bet.
- former SEC auditor
@39- your’re right, a 3.2 from a middling school is the image of brilliance. We are all just jealous.
@57 You’re thinking of Princeton.
Anyone have first year Harvard Extension numbers?
bankers v. consultants 2010
This is just sad, this kid will never land PE.
…But I will thanks to my Jefferies pedigree. All right!!!!
- Jefferies Analyst, excited for his mega-cap LBO interviews
hmmmm…his profile on his company website has different titles than the resume
…and the resume makes no mention of the snappiness of his dress
@35….WOW
Just how selective is Harvard Extension?
http://www.thecrimson.harvard.edu/article/2005/2/10/at-harvard-one-duff-is-not/
@34: The job market is not full of MIT grads with 4.0s and D.E. Shaw interns, nor are there MBAs at Penn who have managed a billion. Take a lap.
Few pointers kid (other’s may have stated):
-Take Harvard Extension off
-3.2 gpa & Cum Laude = not happening
-Unless the awards relevant…take them off
-Relevant courses: ehhh (someone correct me) isn’t that more useful for internships?
-I agree with taking off the ML
-Sales assitant for the summer (June-Aug) & directed interns? Sounds kind of fishy
-Why do you have the Finance GPA listed and not the math GPA?
Finally, PE is tough to break into…I don’t think you have a shot. I am not trying to be a hater but that is how it appears.
If you have the time, do some unpaid internships after the bloodsuckers leave (summer interns) or apply to accounting jobs.
Kid – try the rating agencies. Get two years experience, and then go to the street or an asset management outfit, and then mock the rating agencies.
Hey kid: Video yourself watching a hot babe and not getting distracted. Then send your video to the folk at Citibank. BOOM. DONE.
Hey kid: Be thankful you don’t have Pomona on your resume.
415-267-6999
@35, you suck for that.
@67 you must not be very selective where you at if you do not see those.
His name is [redacted]. Not sure why he would redact his name on the db version while clean versions were floating around the interwebs….
Attention to details….
@74 because he asked me to, I’m not responsible for the other versions, and not everyone here is plugged into whatever channels you’re getting info about a ’09 grad looking for a job?
not to rain on anyone’s parade but for someone who was truly that interested a google search would have revealed the individual’s identity. no special channels needed.
Bess apologies dor the call out.
The google box channel.
If you deem appropriate, check out his “firstlastname.com”
Chum for the masses.
So no joke briefing on the uptick joke?
Mauoduis, is that you?
@ 68 FTW
Working 100+ hours a week to afford the shoebox apartment you share with 3 other dudes that also “slam” Red Bulls (and on occassion each other) when not “icing” the “bros” and ripping on an ambitious young man’s resume is the new killing it.
- Guy that didn’t go to Harvard and very likely will not be going to prison (oops, forgot they’ve got an ethics oath for MBA students so that’s no longer an issue).
Name ten funds still in existence that have beat the S&P 500, net of fees, for continuous 5-year period in the past ten years.
How much you wanna bet a lot of these fucking chuckle heads are going to be workin for this kid in about 5 years… as they are trying to pay for that leased Porsche and a nasty coke habit
Bess, you are such a naughty hawk.
call me.
if only you guys had played nice maybe he would have showed up in the comments like he did on WSO (http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/find-me-a-job-and-ill-give-you-my-first-weeks-pay) …no need to bash the kid for trying.
@76 http://www.linkedin.com/in/andrewdunham
@22 Congrats you’re so awesome, you have a house in a nice neighborhood and everything! I’ll happily take the job, rob you blind, kill you and wear your skin…I want to be JUST like you.
Tks
-16
P.S. I assume this job has refrigerator privileges?
@81 nothing – do not confuse desperation with balls or creativity.
For clarification and to preempt all the irate imbeciles that are wondering exactly how I knew they lived with three other dudes; I’m not claiming to have achieved the performance mentioned above. I also don’t charge people for the privilege of accessing my alleged investing acumen.
good luck kiddo
Private Equity is in fact very difficult to break into, and I think he may need some resume items speaking specifically to the kinds of experience PE firms are looking for. Items like:
- Arranged for financing from high-net-worth individual amounting to $5,000 in loans used to buy out local lemonade stand from neighborhood children; promptly settled litigation and guided operation through Chapter 7 proceedings two (2) weeks after buyout
- Convinced local profit-sharing plan to provide $13,000 in loans used to buy out local indigent man’s shoe-shining operation; said operation paid out a total of $12,995 in dividends in the seventeen (17) days it was in business; successfully arranged for the restructuring of LBO loans with a debt-for-equity swap and note receivable
- Raised $57,000 in funds from various investors to invest in high-quality offshore Caribbean Certificates of Deposit; provided ongoing monitoring of investment, including regular updates of trial proceedings
- Started $122,000 fund with investment from local teachers’ retirement plan to invest in leveraged buyouts of diversified operations, including mystery shopper operations, offshore bank account recoveries, inheritance receivables, and deeply discounted bearer bonds; successfully negotiated for $1.2 million in bonds from leveraged buyouts to be included in Cheyne SIV
3.2 from amherst… cmon kid
i liked the 3.7 beforehand though to mask the shitty gpa
and i would really take the harvard extension school off – it really gets people laughing when the 1st years do resume selections
in other news, i heard the meredith whitney advisory group is hiring.
I heard BP is looking for people.
@29 I 2nd your suggestion. Bess can use a bitchboy.
How would one go about checking a candidate’s gpa? Aside from the Quants, there are actually a lot of stupid people in our industry.
This kid would run laps around some yous dbags…Too bad his resume is inconsistent & rather questionable
via –> http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/find-me-a-job-and-ill-give-you-my-first-weeks-pay
Your right, C and C++ are difficult languages. I would argue that most programmers or software engineers feel as though they haven’t fully grasped both of those languages, as you mention.
At the same time, I am comfortably proficient in each of the languages listed. Most of the languages were gathered through various classes. In high school, I started learning C and C++ in a class. During that same time, I started using Linux, Red Hat, and while in college, Debian and Ubuntu. To make things easier, I started learning Unix commands, which inevitably lead to me making custom scripts to make multiple tasks easier.
As for Java, as a mathematics major I had to take a Java programming class. Having a background in programming, I started as young lad with Basic and QBasic, I decided to really spend the time and learn it. Read a few books, did all the projects required of the class. Afterward, I started working a option trading platform that would recommend option strategies based on the risk profile of the user. The idea was to utilize real data so the user could invest right at that moment. The data was free and only end of day,so it never got utilized. At the moment, the source we had no longer exists.
As for Mathematica, Matlab, and VBA, it is a similar story. I was forced to use it a class and then I would read more about it and do a bit of a side project to help me learn more about it.
As you noted, I have never really done any programming projects for a position I have held, besides basic VBA to make my life easier. Programming to me has always been interesting and fun, so I learned it. The same reasons I learned about investing on my own at a young age and augmented it with a formal education.
@94 “This kid would run laps around some yous dbags”
1. the word “you” doesn’t have an ‘s’ on the end
2. “Financial powerhouses like JPMorgan Chase’s Jamie Dimon, as well as hedge fund managers like Steve Cohen, Dan Loeb, and Ken Griffin, have been known to visit the site.”
so thanks for the laughs and GTFO.
-DL
@48 – True statistic: 85% of Amherst students / alumni express resentment over having been rejected from the Harvard Extension School. The remaining 15% are foriegners who thought Amherst College actually was the Harvard Extension School.
I think @90 is on to something.
Also, not to rip on the kid, but sounds like an ESL student from his linkedin profile:
“I am very passionate about financing or consulting for projects that my analysis concludes have potential. During the next ten years I will complete the CFA program, earn my CPA, complete an MBA at a top university, start my own firm, and finance many types of projects or ventures. To me financing is a way to combine my passion for financing and investing while assisting other people work toward what they are passionate about. My knowledge in finance and accounting, my investing skills, and my experience working in emerging enterprises allows me to provide exceptional financing skills to those ventures or projects with profit potential or that are a profitable investment. “
Harvard Extension School???? Hate to bust your bubble but you don’t even apply for it. You have money to pay for the course? You’re in! Most employers know this so take it off the resume.
P.S. I went to Harvard Extension School years ago, but wouldn’t put it on my resume. Took some special purpose computer courses…..You send in the form with the check and Voila! You’re a Harvard student!
@98 = ahole
@100 regardless you must admit that the blurb taken from linkedin (if it is indeed verbatim) can use some serious proofreading. if the man’s cover letters were written in the exact same fashion that’s an automatic deny.
And he is a member of Horse lovers of the Business world on linkedin… NTTAWWT?
Thanks Bess, entertaining as fuck.
I was once in this kid’s shoes, listing every small achievement on my resume coming from a UC. Then I started a small fund which I raised capital for by saving money and attending hedge fund conferences around the U.S. That ended the snickers of my 3.3 GPA and UC school background. I’m rich Bitch!
@100/101
Its copy/pasted directly. Zero chance of getting a job at a small-cap IB with writing skills like that, let alone PE. I’ll give the guy the benefit of the doubt that it was written on/after a bender so an edit may be in order, but absent such an excuse, I’d be immediately skeptical of the kids writing/communication skills.
Explanation of the uptick joke?
I can’t believe this kid thought DB readers would actually be willing to help him.
I’ve never had a valet. Let’s see how it works.
I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.
tDPR
@106 a few people offered to (over email).
Minutemen Equity Fund = his father’s E*Trade account.
@104 — that might have been a good time to use the correct version of “it’s”
gotta wonder how many people sent Bess an e-mail today asking for the exact same thing
wonder if Bess has a quota she sticks to
once a week/month/year?
@112 what are you talking about?
@113, was a follow up to 111; forgot to put that in.
@109 $68,000* in AUM. *Note: Figures in dollars.
http://www.andrewdunham.com
@90 Interested in co-invest opportunities in the Cheyne SPV.
- Jeremy C
@95 – I believe the ‘s’ was used for satirical purposes…#idiot
@110
Forgive me, trying to actually get some work done over here so not bringing my “A” game to commenting on DB.
okay i dont think we should be too hard on the kiddo, but he should be somewhat shamed for A. not offering first *years* salary (who cares about a weeks pay?), B. trying to break into PE, which he is woefully underqualified for.
I’m willing to do something similar, but promise 5% of my paychecks to whatever law school accepts me, for the rest of my life. seems like a good deal to me, but im too chicken to post it to a blog like this for fear I would get figured out and barred from law…
What is it with these kids saying they got “32% above the index in 2007-2009″
Sometimes I will ask to go over some resumes if I need some help. I keep seeing these claims of benchmark crushing. I then forwarded them around the office so we can all laugh at the audacity of these kids.
Bro, if you can rip 30% over the index, forget asking DB for a gig. Go form a partnership and start your own hedge fund, NOW!
@119 — the point was you were ridiculing someone else’s writing skills, but frankly I’m surprised you even found the time to reply given your busy schedule.
@121: he wasn’t specific about the period. most likely it was when the S&P was down 30% and he was in t-bills.
@121 How much is 2/20 of $405 + $25?
props to [redacted] for the balls it takes to do this, but i cant see how this doesnt backfire. No way this doesnt end up either getting back to his current employer or showing up near the top whenever you google his name
@121
I know what your point was and my point was first, that I don’t give a flying f*ck, and second, that missing an apostrophe in a blog comment is nowhere close to as egregious a f*ck-up than the text from his linkedin profile, especially considering the kid is trying to get into PE.
I’m pretty damn compulsive in my professional endeavors (hence the “anal” part of the psuedonym); not too concerned about punctuation/etc in blog comments.
@120- Horrible Call unless you get into a T14. Even then a mediocre to median call.
-Guy that didn’t go to a T14 and now wishes he studied for the LSAT instead of settling for some 93rd percentile bullshit.
@126 — I didn’t know it was possible for one thing to be as egregious “than” something else. I believe “as” is the word you were looking for there. The fact that you have now replied twice is at odds with your claim of not giving a flying f*ck.
@126
Bro, next time save your f-bombs for the right guy.
@124
Answer: Yes.
@123
Good point, I think I’m going to say I am 50% over the index 2007-2009 but disclose it is because I have no actual assets and was referring to the barely positive cash balance in my checking.
his name is Aleksey Chiang
Seriously, Andrew, what the hell is this busch league crap? Make a video and then we’ll talk.
I was waiting for the Vayner reference
@128
Its a blog, anyone who gives a rat’s ass about typos/etc should have their head examined. On the other hand, whilst trying to get a job in PE, it’d behoove a college kid to make sure his professional credentials are as flawless as possible.
Peace, I’m outa here.
Wow, I thought for sure this would be an Indian guy.
@131, Since nitpicking over spelling is “in vogue” in this thread, I would remind you that calling something “bush league” is derisive while a “busch league” sounds pretty fun.
- Global Head of Typological Arbitrage, UBS
@133/Anal:
“It’s a blog…”
http://minutemenequity.com/
Wow…I love the “‘No I Don’t Have an Offer’ sample pitchbook”
I touch myself at night.
Bess, you are such a cougar!
i’d be curious to know how much rev’s a 139+1 post generates for DB
kid did good
took only 4 hours and 40 min to find the guy’s website. good work 116
Shut the FUCK UP Kouwanal_yst! Go back to Business Insider where your bullshit is more welcome. And quit calling out punctuation and grammar errors while making them, shitheel.
The only thing you’re compulsive about is jacking it. To Prince’s video of “When Doves Cry”. With a bottle of Smirnoff Ice wedged firmly up your behind. And a plush purple Barnie in your lap. While autoerotically asphyxiating yourself with a knockoff tie from the guy selling them outside 60 Wall.
#128 is a twink Anal, he has heirloom gear and is speced to mutilate. Stealth, sprint and pray you get away.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVgPUhY0UiE
@100, 133/Anal_yst,
a blog is just a blog, but did anyone notice the spelling error in the kid’s resume?
-guy who comments the day after an article is posted
@144 grammer is so overrated,
-guy who responds to guy who comments the day after an article is posted
Andrew,
Some candid, but non-dbagey advice.
1. Despite not being a target school for virtually any reputable wall street firm, Umass is a LARGE institution with a lot of smart well connected alumni. While the average student is mediocre, the top students are on par with virtually anywhere and have had success finding placement on the street. Go first to alumni for mentorship. The Umass haters on this blog can’t come to grips with the fact that they paid $150k more for their degree and are getting paid as much or less than some of us “Amherst College Extension School” graduates. (ROI’s since graduation reflect similar behavior patterns). Alums will be far more inclined to help you / give you advice…even if they can’t yet give you a job (see below).
2. Before you do that, however, learn how to communicate more effectively. If need be, hire a professional proof reader. If you come onto a forum as public as this one with your sh*t this not put together…you aren’t ready for the professional world. Period. This should be your number one short term area of focus.
3. Given how you look on paper (low GPA from non-target school) you are going to have to get in through the back door. Try to get hired by a small (but growing) boutique. Try to start with a few years of solid experience in industry and leverage into B-School / a fresh start. This is not going to be an overnight process in which you land a PE job tomorrow. The sooner you come to grips with that, the better you can effectively go about achieving your goal.
4. Never do anything like this again. Desperation does not equal b*lls or hard work. People respect those that are objective enough to know when their goal is realistic, in the short term, and when it will require signficant work / additional preparation. Even if (for purely hypothetical purposes) you were to land a reasonable job through this post…it likely will not last.
Best Of Luck
Agreed with the above poster ^
Everyone gets 1. Good luck.
Fuck off Anal_yst, why are you still here?
Hey kid, go back to college and get a better qualification – your resume sucks !!
Hey kid, you’re hired.
Keep pushing. UMass Amherst is a horrible school for most without direction, but take the initiative to talk to Rich Fein at the Chase Career center. He will help you, albeit reluctantly. Professor Bagley who teaches Financial Engineering is really generous with advice as well if you are looking to get into Asset Management.
While there are not many, I know personally several Umass Amherst alums who are in PE now. A couple of really smart senior people from UMass Amherst at Blackstone and GS PEG.
Take the advice of some of above posters. Kill the Harvard Extension. Get some more technical classes going. Bring up the GPA. Become President of the Finance society. Network more. Kill the non Finance stuff on your resume. Keep interning at big name shops. You’ll get your chance.
Hey Guys,
Thank you for all the advice and encouragement! I appreciate it.
Here is my new resume:
http://www.razume.com/documents/15780
Hey I’m in the same boat as you and trust me you’re not the first person to make such an offer. Maybe it’s just me, but my level of pessimism and utter lack of faith in the economy has completely shattered any illusions of finding my dream job in finance. I think you haven’t fully realized the situation we’re in here or maybe you graduated from HBS in which you should ignore my comment, but one weeks pay won’t get anyone to so much as move a finger. I would be willing to give up my first bonus if someone can get me a job (I will put that in writing), that’s how bad I want it!