Here’s one: in an online survey of current and former employees, Goldman Sachs beat out a whole slew of financial services firms to be named– wait for it– the second best place to work. Now, I know a lot of other banks and institutions would be sending out congratulatory emails about how great an achievement this is and so on and so forth right about now. That’s because these banks and institutions are losers, just as second place is (the number one loser, in fact). Reuters is trying to make a big deal of the whole thing, offering Goldman a pat on the back, going on about how this is great news in a time that Goldman could really use it, which is of course just making things worse. Why not draw attention to the fact that GS is the best place to work after freaking Susquehanna International Group, Reuters? You know what Goldman could really use, Reuters? You stuffing it. This is not great news. Goldman finishes second to no one and it certainly doesn’t finish second to companies headquartered in Lower Merion Township. Today, though, the bank did.
[Breathe]
Rather than do what all of you think it’s going to do, which is just FLIP OUT, Goldman is going to use this as a teachable moment. What can we learn from the failure and apply the lessons toward future online surveys that will potentially embarrass the bank? Well, it seems there are a couple things in particular that can be gleaned, and here’s what they are: 1) making sure the threats suggested in exit interviews as to what could be visited upon outgoing employees should they fuck with the brand upon being released into the wild are taken seriously and 2) tagging said outgoing employees with GPS ankle monitoring bracelets that can never be removed and wiring their nipples with clamps through which an electric shock is sent if they so much as entertain the thought of violating lesson number 1. (Why this isn’t standard protocol already is beyond me.)
And a word of advice to this guy. Run:
Goldman got top marks from its employees in seven of eight categories — career opportunities, communication, employee morale, recognition and feedback, senior leadership, and fairness and respect, according to the survey. The only area where it lagged behind its closest rivals was work/life balance, where it came in behind Bank of America Corp’s Merrill Lynch and Citigroup Inc and tied with JPMorgan Chase & Co .
One anonymous reviewer, identified as a past employee, called Goldman a “great place,” noting that the brand name and compensation are its greatest assets. But the reviewer also stressed the long hours.
“They overwork you,” said the reviewer. “Upward mobility is pretty unavailable. People envy you for working there and it’s pretty bad. You can’t move around.”
Short 10 Y variance.
- GS Quant Devision, Equity Derivatives and Equity Strategy sub-division
That is the stankiest stank eye that has ever been stanked.
I heard the 14th exit interview is really brutal. Can anyone elaborate?
2nd fiddle to someone from Lower Merion Township? Now Goldman knows what it’s like to be Lebron.
Goldman Sachs? More like Silverman Sachs! Am I right?
Susquewannaworkhere flopped the nut straight.
…oh, and jacks are a monster compared to the crap GS played.
-GW may or may not have started boozing.
“wiring their nipples with clamps through which an electric shock is sent” LOL
Bess, you like the kinky shit huh. Marry me.
-Fan of the B to the L.
being a “past employee” is actually how you know you’ve reached the 43rd round interview to work there
Positioning my portfolio to be short work/life balance, long brutal interview processes.
I am long on Bess Levins.
So there I was right, hitting this bitch in the ace pipe and in walks a Goldman Sachs guy asking me if I was ready for my 21st round interview.
I thought it was remarkable when Hank Paulson was giving testimony regarding TARP, trying to coach Kashkari on spearing a barracuda, all while concluding the 53rd round of interviews with GS. Quite a lot to juggle, IMHO.
Bess Levin, you are in fact a National Treasure. I was a little bit apprehensive about such a bold claim before but I think this has done it.
You….. complete me.
Do you not understand the term CHOSEN ONES…we don’t finish second…I want somebody’s nuts, I want it now, I’ve had it!
@13 – Please do not forget that her inbox is a god damned national treasure, too.
Greg Kouwe
Insiders claim that the 34th round interview about the 28th round interview is a key step to garnering consideration for additional interviews.
What are these “interviews” you assfucks speak of?
-Jonathan Blankfein
Its the exit interview that’s always the hardest.
Greg
Was anyone else asked to show up at an abandoned warehouse and masturbate for your interviewer?
-Concerned Goldman prospect
In Soviet Russia, overwork Goldman’s you!
You can be blasé about some things, Rose, but not about the interview process at Goldman. It’s over a hundred interviews longer than Mother Morgan’s and far more luxurious.
@17 Nicely played
Anyone else contract HIV from the 27th interview?
-Concerned Goldman prospect
Is he smelling his fingers and remembering what he had done the night before?
the plaque for the alternates is in the ladies room.
@20 In Soviet Russia, Goldman still overworks you.
Jeffries 3rd?
Jeff 3rd?
@23 wow! 27 interviews? you must have really been a hilarious and stupid assfuck that they kept bringing you back that many times so that more people could have a damn good laugh once you left
-The Guy Who Got In After Three
@29 I hope you burn for your stupidity.
@29 – Hi! Welcome to Dealbreaker! Stick around and read for a while before commenting again, please.
Thanks,
The Commentariat
@23 I think it is kind of like what they do to Kurt Russell in escape from NY/LA. The good news is that you’re probably going to get the job. The bad news is they are going to hand you a rather complex deal, possibly similar in some ways to one orchestrated by a certain someone with a flair for referring to themselves in the third person, and tell you you have X amount of time to find a counterparty for their client or else it will turn into full blown AIDS and they won’t give you the cure.
Anyone have 28th round Goldman interviewee numbers?
This would never happen at Roni Deutche
Lol @ 29 wow
@29 this type of unawareness is exactly what caused your vol desk to get f’d in the a.
-Guy who got an offer after ONE and turned it down because GS is going to 0.