As you may recall, a couple months back, a managing director at UBS was pulled over in Connecticut and charged with a DUI (he also had an unlicensed firearm on him, for good measure). At the time, the man for some reason felt compelled to tell the cops that a) he worked in the financial services industry and b) he was coming from Beamers Cafe, Stamford’s premier strip club. As I read the story, a coupla things became clear to me: 1) that guy likes to party and 2) that the cultural relevance of this institution to Wall Street North could no longer be ignored. You may also recall that I proceeded to announce a DealBreaker Field Trip to said establishment, and invited some people from CNBC to come with. The field trip is still on. However, I decided I couldn’t just take you a strip club without scouting the location first and having an idea as to what we could expect, you know? Rather, performing some on-site due diligence ahead of time was necessary. Last night, I did just that.

To perform the DD, I enlisted the help of my special assignments colleague, K, along with a couple of bankers/lap dance enthusiasts. As their employers do not pay them to review strip clubs, the boys were not able to leave the office on time to make a 6:20 train, so we planned to meet them out there. As we approached Stamford, I shared with K that I had that scared/excited feeling (the kind where you’re not sure if it’s 98% scared/2% excited or the other way around, which is what makes it so intense). We arrived in Stamford at 7:05 and as I wanted to be very scientific about this whole thing, figured we’d spend a couple hours at a bar beforehand, because I reasoned that most people probably don’t get off work and head directly to Beamers but rather make the executive decision to go once they’ve been drinking and someone comes up with the bright idea (I had no idea if this was actually true, but it seemed like it could be true, which is all that matters). [Editor’s note: This turned out not to be true; our contact there later informed us that it was “packed” at 6pm because this was Go-Go Thursdays, the third Thursday of every month, and ALL the dancers are required to make an appearance at that time. She assured us it would get busy again around midnight, which it did.] So we needed to kill some time in that regard and also because I needed to be bombed in order to work up the courage to do this.

We got off the train and not having a particular destination in mind, and as any place would do, just decided to walk until we ran into a bar. We passed UBS and while I felt like the “UBS sucks!” guy would’ve approved of us brown-bagging it in front of the building, decided to keep going. The first place we came across was called Tiernan’s but there was a long line out the door and needing liquor stat, couldn’t be bothered. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw it. Hula Hanks. A marginally Hawaiian themed bar where there’s one of those wheels you spin that has the options to land on a variety of shots, Swedish Fish or “take off your panties”? Obviously there was no better place to pre-game for the exotic dancers, so in we went. Long Island Iced Teas seemed like the way to go and after I had three (maybe four?) of those felt sufficiently ready to meet the girls.

We hopped in a cab and before I could finish saying “We’re going to Beamers Cafe, but I need to check what the address is” the driver was turning the corner. “Oh I don’t need it. I know exactly where that is,” he told us. I had been previously informed that the Cafe was not the safest place, not in a good section of town, that it gave off a menacing vibe and that drug deals in the parking lot are standard. I don’t consider myself a puss but I was legitimately scared. “It’s definitely fine,” the cabbie said. “You girls have nothing to worry about.” A minute later we pulled up to a very non-intimidating-looking place, and as we got out of the car, a couple walked by pushing a stroller. Lady and baby pretty much allayed all my fears of getting killed then and there. [Editor’s Note: We were told later that the other end of the block, on the opposite side from our approach, is a menacing empty lot/vacant building type thing harboring certain amounts of questionable activity, which is probably what the people were talking about.]

Having read the Yelp reviews online (more on those later) before embarking on our trip, I knew that there was a front room and a “VIP Room” in the back (in addition to back-back room) and that we wanted to go to the latter. It was $30 each for cover and needing more cash was preemptively annoyed at what I assumed would be some sort of ridiculous fee at an in-house ATM but surprise! You can get cash-back on your credit card at the bar, which I think is nice, considering at Scores/Sapphire there’s apparently a $18.50 surcharge. (Just something to think about when you’re considering which Breast-Fest you want to attend.) ALSO: I noticed this morning that they bill your card to something called “WE, INC.” Just putting it out there in the event some of you could run in trouble for spending time at one of these places.

We didn’t know how to get to the back room (you had to weave your way around what at the time seemed like a Labyrinth to get there but what I’m sort of thinking now was just a matter of walking from the front to the back. I don’t know if you’ve picked up on it, but we were prettay prettay prettay drunk). A very nice lady employee named Gianna offered to show us the way and proceeded to literally lead us by the hand. (More on G– who you should ask for should you go and tell her B and K sent you!– in a bit.)

If the front room– where the actual dancing takes place, on long tables around which ballet lovers congregate– looked like some sort of seedy Atlantic City casino, the back room we agreed seemed like a sports bar (there were a bunch of games on)/vaguely reminiscent of hanging out in someone’s parents’ basement in high school. Lots of people sitting around on pretty comfortable leather couches on which people are dry-humping. So, nostalgia! Like handjobs or something (except I don’t actually think that’s allowed and you’d probably get in trouble for that).

One of the other Yelp reviews I read stated the following:

Full name of “Beamer’s Cafe” really captures the essence of this soon-to-be staple on the Stamford culinary scene.  The allure of this restaurant lies in it’s simple formula for success…talented staff that are eager to make your experience as pleasurable as possible, coupled with some of the freshest ingredients this side of Manhattan.  A full bar seemingly belies the laid back nature of the main room but the overall atmosphere makes it work.  Romantic enough for a first date but flexible enough for a great start to the evening with friends.

Now, as I just previously stated, the atmosphere in the back wasn’t half bad. Having said that! I’m not exactly sure I would sign off on this being the *best* place to take a first date. Although if you are going to pull that move, please let me know ahead of time so I come and live-blog it.

Another (amazing) review said this:

The guy that wrote the previous review on this place should probably go see an eye doctor, i visited this place last week, and it turns out, they dont sell food, it is actually a gay club, guys running around naked, in chaps, and leather hats, don’t recomend it, stay away.

While he’s right about the lack of food, I don’t know if maybe we were there on the wrong night, but FYI, we did not see a single “guy running around naked, in chaps, and leather hats.” On the contrary, we did see a lot of ladies running around almost naked, and actually do think one of them was wearing a chaps-like costume. The three of us sat down on one of the couches and with some pretty skillful-looking lap dances happening within inches of us, asked G a little bit about her time there.

Re: the recession affecting her income, she told us her take-home hasn’t changed much, and that apparently the guys aren’t tipping any less than they used to. The room was pretty crowded (and proceeded to get even more filled as time went on) but G did say that three years ago they were turning people away at the door (she added that their Friday and Saturday night levels are pretty much the same, on account of assloads of bachelor parties). She told us a lot of hedge fund employees and bankers come, but she doesn’t quiz them on what they do exactly during the day, as they come to Beamers “to get away from all that.”

“Have you heard of this place SAC Capital” she asked us. We nodded cautiously (was a certain someone about to pop out in a bikini bottom and show us his moves I wondered, not wanting to get my hopes up!!!!). “A LOT of them would come here, now not as many,” she said. G also told us that while she’s never dated a customer, she has work friends who have, in case you’re looking for a place to meet women. Additionally, she said that while the vast majority of the patrons live and/or work in CT, they do regularly see guys coming in from New York, so I guess it’s something of a destination!

G had to talk to her boss or something then and as if on cue, a dude plopped himself down in her vacated space and told us he had made the trip from NYC with some clients who wanted to come. “I didn’t really want to come, they made me,” he offered. He then told us he works for JPM and in the next breath “actually now I’m at this new hedge fund. It’s a legit shop, I wouldn’t have gone if it wasn’t.” My eyes started to wander during the conversation and while I can’t say that I’ve compared their work to their peers at other outfits, the lap dances (which are $25/each) looked pretty quality. The girls seemed to be into it, good flexibility, lots of positions (not all of which I understood– such as the girl with her head pushed into the arm of the couch– but figured it was something to be appreciated nonetheless). Also, we agreed that all of the racks looked real, if that’s something you care about.

And then! To test the veracity of my claim that the LD’s were worth it, our boys finally made it. They confirmed our suspicions although in one round one of the girls “kept trying to have a conversations” throughout the thing which he wasn’t so amped about but wasn’t going to make a stink about either.

We headed home a couple hours later (this time being driven- thanks L!) but not before sticking some bills in the back of a brightly colored g-string, slapping an ass and telling them we’d be back with reinforcements.

Further Reading: Beamers Cafe Named Best Strip Club In Fairfield County 2010

159 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (159)

  1. Posted by Heartless bastard | July 16, 2010 at 4:14 PM

    UBS Fucks

  2. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:20 PM

    Great ending to a Friday. And congrats on the DD trip – I think you’ve taken a big step in overcoming your fear of a 2-on-1.

  3. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:20 PM

    Work of art.

    Please, please, please tell me that K stands for Kashmir.

  4. Posted by jdw | July 16, 2010 at 4:20 PM

    Really good story Bess. Very funny and worthy of a read, although I know you’ll get a few “TLDR”s.

  5. Posted by Bess Levin | July 16, 2010 at 4:21 PM

    @3 negative, sorry.

  6. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:21 PM

    what..?…friends listen to endless love in the dark…

  7. Posted by Steve Cohen | July 16, 2010 at 4:21 PM

    My stripper smoked weed with a one-hitter and bitched about child-support. Fuck that place.

  8. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:25 PM

    hula hanks? strike. did you go to applebees for dinner?

  9. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:25 PM

    Amazing work Bess. This certianly makes up for the lack of content through the afternoon and the thought of Bess making friends with some working girls is more then a little distracting.

  10. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:25 PM

    Post pictures, or it didn’t happen.

    Sorry Bess, such is the rule of the internet, and the rule is as inflexible as it is just.

  11. Posted by Bess Levin | July 16, 2010 at 4:26 PM

    @8 It amuses me that you gave a fuck where we went to get hammered pre-strippers.

  12. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:31 PM

    Bess, your basement handjob prowess amuses me.

  13. Posted by Guest | July 16, 2010 at 4:32 PM

    @11/Bess

    Whoa, Whoa Whoa, easy with the swearing. Do you kiss your strippers with that mouth?

    ….well, do you?

  14. Posted by guest | July 16, 2010 at 4:34 PM

    I also would’ve approved had you returned later to relieve yourselves.
    -(one of the) UBS sucks guy(s)

  15. Posted by guest | July 16, 2010 at 4:34 PM

    “It’s a legit shop.”

  16. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:36 PM

    …….mmmmmmmm……roast beef curtains…..

  17. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:36 PM

    How was the music?

  18. Posted by Anal_yst | July 16, 2010 at 4:37 PM

    @8

    Hula Hanks is a stop on the Blackout Express to Stamford, wtf are you talking about?

  19. Posted by Guest | July 16, 2010 at 4:38 PM

    @17-

    “Know how I know you’re gay?”

  20. Posted by Bess Levin | July 16, 2010 at 4:39 PM

    @15 that was my favorite line, too.

  21. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:40 PM

    @17 WGAS?

  22. Posted by Someone who once met Soros | July 16, 2010 at 4:41 PM

    @11 I once smoke pot with Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering. It was me, Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering and they were blazing that shit up everyday.

    PS.
    Bess you are a naughty hawk.

  23. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:41 PM

    “talented staff that are eager to make your experience as pleasurable as possible, coupled with some of the freshest ingredients this side of Manhattan.”

    Sounds like this is not entirely untrue.

  24. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:42 PM

    Bessar, anyone recognize you, or were you in disguise?

  25. Posted by Steve Cohen | July 16, 2010 at 4:42 PM

    5/Bess,

    KLW?

  26. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:46 PM

    Was that an Armageddon quote?

  27. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:48 PM

    How can they dance if the music isn’t any good? It has to have a good beat. A hook. Man, I don’t get you guys.

    – 17

  28. Posted by Bess Levin | July 16, 2010 at 4:48 PM

    @26 yeah, and?

  29. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:49 PM

    K is for KOUWE!!!!

  30. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:50 PM

    Well done, pre-gaming at Hula Skanks. Bess — did you ride the swing?

  31. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 4:51 PM

    @17 – I laughed out loud, thanks.

  32. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 5:19 PM

    @Bess And nothing! One of the better movies of my childhood!

  33. Posted by None | July 16, 2010 at 5:20 PM

    great story, bess. your time is very much appreciated.

  34. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 5:23 PM

    There is no sex in the champagne room.

  35. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 5:39 PM

    Bess, congrats on the strip club christening and nice to know it was with Beamers… your story brings back lots of high school memories of that place! next stop, spearmint rhino!!!

  36. Posted by guest | July 16, 2010 at 5:39 PM

    Bess, you are gonna be a great mom some day. Just sayin’.

  37. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 5:58 PM

    Who here doesn’t love Bess just that little bit more now?

  38. Posted by George Clinton | July 16, 2010 at 6:00 PM

    You went last night and didn’t see me on the Summer Sound Stage?

  39. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 6:01 PM

    Bess, I got a case of Purple Drank and VIP passes to Beamer’s, holla at me girl.

    /Hung Banker

  40. Posted by sladd | July 16, 2010 at 6:04 PM

    bess one of your best pieces yet, great work.

  41. Posted by anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 6:08 PM

    No way all the tits were real, you were bombed

  42. Posted by Anal_yst | July 16, 2010 at 6:17 PM

    @41

    Anything over 50% real and I’d be a bit skeptical, I mean, that just wouldn’t be natural for a stripclub to have that many girls with naturals!

  43. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 6:33 PM

    They’re real and they’re spectacular

  44. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 7:41 PM

    @Bess did you wear sweatpants? I’ve heard SCs are better with SPs on. Dunno why, though.

  45. Posted by Analy_st | July 16, 2010 at 10:08 PM

    What is with the syncophantic devotion to Bess? She’s a great writer with a good sense of humor, but not really boner material.

  46. Posted by Analy_st Sucks Guy | July 16, 2010 at 10:21 PM

    @45 You should at least spell “sycophant” correctly.

  47. Posted by volatilitysmile | July 16, 2010 at 11:35 PM

    This is Pulitzer material. Lilly Pulitzer, maybe, but nevertheless.
    PS/ Was A. Drury a DD team member?

  48. Posted by Anonymous | July 17, 2010 at 7:04 PM

    @37 word.
    @45 kill yourself

  49. Posted by Anonymous | July 17, 2010 at 8:17 PM

    Bess, that story was an 8-roper.

  50. Posted by BessFanBoy | July 17, 2010 at 9:06 PM

    This was awesome. Permanently switching to Dealbreaker from ATL unless Kash one-ups you on this.

  51. Posted by Anonymous | July 18, 2010 at 1:46 AM

    UBS Sucks

  52. Posted by Anonymous | July 18, 2010 at 9:12 AM

    @50, made the jump ages ago and never been happier, Kash, Lat and Elie put together can’t equal the literary talent of Bess’ left pinky.

  53. Posted by Anonymous | July 18, 2010 at 11:47 AM

    @50 – Dunno. The whole ” troll for random dudes on Craigslist then blame it on a psycho lawyer” bit was pretty good.

  54. Posted by BessFanBoy | July 18, 2010 at 2:20 PM

    Well played, @53.

  55. Posted by Jonah Gibson | July 18, 2010 at 2:49 PM

    Damn, Bess…excellent account.
    @37…exactly.

  56. Posted by Anonymous | July 18, 2010 at 6:06 PM

    they’re real if you can touch them

  57. Posted by dixsie normous | July 18, 2010 at 8:28 PM

    great article bess- but i can honestly say i lost all faith in yelp

  58. Posted by Andrew | July 18, 2010 at 8:42 PM

    Maybe he was pulled over because “he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses…?”

  59. Posted by Whatsmynametoday | July 18, 2010 at 10:21 PM

    The JPM guy came with Jamie who hides his chaps under tearaway suit pants.
    He must have been a boy scout cuz he’s always prepared for dancing…and at earnings time.

  60. Posted by Whatsmynametoday | July 18, 2010 at 10:27 PM

    @49 and across the room ;-)

  61. Posted by StillNotNasser | July 18, 2010 at 11:09 PM

    #56, well put.

  62. Posted by anon | July 19, 2010 at 7:41 AM

    There are handjobs in the back- back room

  63. Posted by blanal | July 19, 2010 at 8:35 AM

    Next time you’re on the West coast, may I humbly suggest that you reconnoiter any one of the several excellent asian brothel’s precisely adjacent to the San Francisco financial district?

  64. Posted by CFA | July 19, 2010 at 9:00 AM

    I’ve been to this place. Small but decent. I’ve seen couple of guys wearing vest with Bridgewater logo on it and looked it they work there.

    SAC, UBS, RBS and Bwater employees often go there

  65. Posted by Anonymous | July 19, 2010 at 10:58 AM

    couldnt think on account of my penis standing up

  66. Posted by Anonymous | July 19, 2010 at 12:11 PM

    @BL Expected publication date of the Top 10 Ladies of Beamer’s?

  67. Posted by Bess Levin | July 19, 2010 at 12:19 PM

    @66 Good idea but let me finish IR girls first (which is being published today or tomorrow). I only have two hands.

  68. Posted by Anonymous | July 19, 2010 at 12:26 PM

    @67 Two hands and one lap…

  69. Posted by guest | July 19, 2010 at 1:35 PM

    @66 Maybe something along the lines of Miami’s list, but with more pics:

    http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/2010/07/disco_ricks_top_ten_strippers.php

  70. Posted by Anonymous | July 19, 2010 at 8:46 PM

    @63, suggest you take BL to Centerfold’s on her next SF visit…

  71. Posted by Anonymous | July 19, 2010 at 9:26 PM

    I want to know one thing Bess about your visit to our local Stamford strip joint. Was Debrahlee Lorenzana moonlighting at Beamers wearing her “chits ona tic”? UBS rules!

  72. Posted by anonopuss | July 23, 2010 at 8:28 AM

    I’m surprised you actually got in. Old-Spice, Dizzle, BuzzKillington and The Okie usually clog that place up. For your next trip you need to hit Harry O’s! Now that’s classy!

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