So, I’m not one to crow about my achievements but today I must make an exception. As you know, it was exactly a week ago that I headed out to Stamford, CT to perform my due diligence on Beamers Cafe ahead of our yet to be scheduled field trip. It was there that my colleagues in the field and I met one of the establishment’s employees, who very graciously gave us the low-down on how business has been faring in these tough times. Though the Cafe continues to be patronized by bank and hedge fund employees and tips have remained stable, she told us, as you might expect, that three years ago business was booming and they were turning people away at the door. So what happened yesterday made me giddy beyond belief. At around 5 I was going about my business, doing whatever it is I do all day when my phone rang. Not recognizing the number, I picked up with caution. The conversation started out like this:
Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “Bess?”
Me: “Yes…?”
Caller: “It’s Gianna!”
Gianna! Our noted gal-pal! After I apologized for somehow not having her number saved (“Well, you were pretty drunk,” she said, which was true), she proceeded to tell me that all “the girls” read the Beamers review, as did their bosses, and that they loved it so much it’s been posted in their break room. Obviously this gave me a warm fuzzy feeling but it did not compare to what she told me next. “Every night since you wrote about us tons of new guys have come in,” G said. “On Monday a whole pack of UBS and hedge fund guys showed up and said they decided to come after reading your story.” Apparently the entire back room has been rented out for tonight (“which never happens and I don’t know if it’s because of you but it might be”) and, she said, “It feels like it used to…I think you brought us back!”
Do you people have any idea how good this feels? I take great pleasure in making you laugh and perhaps brightening your days via fleece and dick jokes but this– this whole directly helping others in a tangible way– is AWESOME. I have been grinning from ear to ear since yesterday. I made a difference– I SAVED BEAMERS! And because I really don’t want this to be a fluke I’m asking you to please, patronize the hell out of this place. Go there at lunch. Go there after work. A friend says, “You wanna get a drink tonight?” you say “Yeah, let’s hit up Beamers.” Bring clients. Bring colleagues. Bring the parents. Bring the kids. Bring the Stevie. CT residents, non-CT residents, I don’t care JUST GO and tell ‘em Bess Levin sent you.
I like thinking about Bess getting a “warm fuzzy feeling.” Plus this easily counter balances any bad karma assoicated with a certain fan of girls doing things with their legs in the air and his employment issues.
I’m pullin’ on my sweats and heading down to Beamers right now!
Bess,
Would you be so kind as to accompany me this evening at a little shop I know called Beamers?
Yea Bess, my wife loves you.
-Msr. Starr
I’m on the way, too!! I’ll be the guy in the 80′s headband and the “Lone Star Flag” looking high cut jogging shorts and tube socks. If you see me just ask me for a quote on a “Shipchannel costless collar…” and that will be my way of knowing you saw this comment via Dealbreaker.
Bess, have you ever given a foot massage?
Please welcome Bess to the main stage…Bess to the main stage……….
STAR needs to merge with prosthetics in order to visit.
Bess, Beamers should put up a plaque that says your inbox is a national treasure.
@9 or start a new currency called “Bess Bux”?
Bess, next time we’re at Beamers your first lap dance is on me
(not a figure of speech)
I’m going to hoof it down to Beamers and lassoo me one of these heifers
- the guy that likes to combine multiple themes.
@12 et al just so you’re forewarned any future comments incorporating that beyond old joke will be deleted. spare yourselves the misery (and me the effort) and do better.
Do they have beanbag chairs and cheetohs?
-Guy Looking for Internet Accessibility to Perform Analysis
Bess, I am of the opinion that you should never have to toot your own horn or crow your own crow, ever. I volunteer to do such things.
someone from 750 washington better hit it tonight
Why should they call it a “lap dance” if they are dancing near you and not making a lap around the club?
~AIG Quant
I don’t understand, why would you go to a place like this AFTER work?
- SEC Staffer
Can I tip in nickels and dimes, or is that frowned upon?
-Ex-JPM prop trader
@Bess sounds like someones scheming for a free lap dance
BANIA: Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!
Heah we go agin with the objictifikytion of wimmin….”Brists and liggs, brists and liggs!! Hey blokes!!! brists and liggs heah!!!” Topliss dincing his bean around for a long time and not alwyes with a sixual intint. Look: if you kin see our hidds, we’re “topliss” in that wye unliss its cold as a willdiggers bum in Iliska.
~An Ittrictive Australiarian News Profishunnel in Minhittin
This is just like when that photographer from LIFE magazine took that picture of Geena Davis doing a split.
UBS and RBS bankers can’t afford lap dances. Hahahaha.
-PE
Bess basically just bought a round of boob jobs for every girl at Beamers with other people’s money….The new killing it?
-guy who wants to be Bess Levin when he grows up
@22 more of a 1920′s ny gangster
You’ve created more jobs than last years stimulus package, which is fucking awesome.
Beamers = Ream Bes
- Anagrammar
WHIRR POP BEEEEEP
KILLING USERPROC SGREENBERG/JDATE
ACCESSING HTTP/1.0 http://WWW.BEAMERSCAFE.COM
WARNING: POTENTIAL BACKDOOR VIRUS DETECTED
Beamer’s employee > Door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman > Census worker
@28 FAIL
@naked I know! I AM THE STIMULUS PLAN!
Look at ‘em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left, she’s perfect. Which one do you want?
This ends with Bess switching teams and becoming a stripper.
This just has future tragedy written all over it!
Went by there during last year’s ice storm and there was a Zamboni parked outside. Just sayin’….
@22 that sewnds more sooth ifrican, brew
@Nakedshort
Not to detract from Bess’ fantastic accomplishment, but that bar was set a bit low, don’t ya think?
@STAR
Eaasssyyy fella, virus like that can cause a fatal error
Are there slots big enough to park my Zamboni?
Real men (and women) go to Harry O’s down the street for lap grinding that could polish the rusty hubcap of a ’58 Chevy.
@34 this post is about doing serious, meaningful charity work, don’t take it with your filth and bull shit.
@13/Bess, what beyond old joke are you referring to?
Our beloved Bess 1
Barry 0
@41 we got off with a warning. walk away.
Bess, if I pay for lessons on how to do a headstand on a man’s crotch, will you go?
/Guy who knows a good headstand guy
@32 – I call next for stimulatin’
I think Bess should host the DB version of Fashion Meets Finance at Beamers. It would be amazing.
And all the other strip clubs in CT are wondering why business is slow all of a sudden.
@46 Strippers Meet Separate Trading of Registered Interest and Principal Securities Dealers?
@48 no no, I was thinking more like DB-vetted singles mix and mingle at Beamers. Since they are DB-vetted, there is a high probability of success, and hosting it at Beamers would ensure Bess Bux go into circulation. Win-win.
@48
Trying too hard.
Fellatio Meets Finance? I’m sure someone can do better, but that’d be ok with me
@22 takes it
We accept Bess Bux at the discount window.
-B. Bernanke
Besser your awesomeness knows no bounds.
i guess we can officially say the site has jumped the shark now that a strip club review is the highlight.
D-Cups meet D-Bags?
Bess, I dedicate my next orgasm to you.
Does Beamer’s accept stock options from Lehman or Bear?
@54 hmm pretty sure that no one said this is the “highlight” (and if you check out the “most commented” stories none of them have to do w beamers (and last week’s review never made it there, nor has it been a story that’s gotten more traffic than others). I said it made MY personal day to help people. But you keep winning it using hackneyed cliches like ‘jumping the shark,’ k guy?
don’t short yourself Bess, this is the best shit you’ve written in ages
@50 Strippers meet Stock Brokers
Bess, if you were a shark, I would jump you. Just sayin…
/Da Fonz…aka Chazzy G…..aka the guy covered in miracle whip driving down the Merrit Parkway backwards
Having your own currency is the new killing it.
- Bess Bux currency trading anyone?
some real god’s work
Bess, you left your riding crop at my place.
-Gianna
um yea I think you should tell Beamers if they really want a sell-out crowd to get Bridget the Midget to do a guest-star week. All those who know what I’m talking about would certainly agree.
I am starting a new HF valued with Bess Bux -
David Einhorn
Hahahaha….”keep winning it up”
You rock bess
@46 Trim ‘n Hedgies?
Slit meets Stock
I had plans to go tonight, but Bess is making me stay late :(
- ZK
Suits meet Coots
Bess’s Bitches Beget Bankers Big Bux and stuff…
Brokers meet Ballerinas?
“Dealbreaker: A must read for finance professionals. And strippers.”
This may have impacted the overall demographics of your readers to the point where it meaningfully affects advertising. Can’t wait for the “Vag-Away Stripper Pole Cleaning Solution (By Johnson & Johnson – a Family Company)” popups . . .
buzzkill@74 this is why people hate you.
@64 FTW!!!!
@74 pretty sure the whole chanos, cohen, loeb, griffin contingent (and their net-worth) keeps the average income tipped heavily in the other direction.
@74 – Did you get caught molesting kids again at the town pool?
I just went short the dollar against bess bux in my e-trade account…
People helping people. It’s powerful stuff.
Bess 1
Dealbreaker Career Site 0
@81 huh?
@74
Not only was that comment retarded, but methinks you meant SC Johnson (Privately-owned company), not Johnson & Johnson (see: JNJ). Really, what I’m trying to say here is just, fail.
And people worry that with the rise of electronic publishing, service journalism is dead! Hah, you show ‘em Bess.
BSDs meet STDs?
I was having a really bad day so decided to read all of today’s posts and comments and have been laughing for 2 hours. Thx guys and girls. Some of you are too funny (and some of you totally suck)
xoxo
pms for pm’s
Great job Bess! I hope Trish Regan and The Drurries read this since they did commit to going to Beamers – a deals a deal! I hope Erin Burnett, Michelle CC and Melissa Francis tag along on the field trip so Erin can wear a water bra and say “those aren’t real” and Melissa can make “White Russians” for everyone.
@83 – RBS SUcks. Phhhbbbbt.
-74
@89
You make that comment via your ’06 vintage Blackberry?
Typical of women: not considering long term and external consequences.
As 47 said, the possibility of a slow-down in competing bars is real. It is unprobable that the new Beamers’ customers just went to bed beforehand, so somebody else is losing money because of that. So you didn’t add value, you just switch it from one place to another. Which is fine, we do this all the time and that’s why we’re paid big bucks. But we don’t do headlines saying how we save the world (or at least we don’t mean it).
For long term consequences, since Beamers is now fashionable, one could estimate a further decrease in business for them once they become unfashionable after the current frenzy stops. Their revenues could actually sink further than their previous state. Like when a specific brand has its base clients but suddenly becomes very fashionable, then the trend passes and nobody wants to wear something old-fashioned. Because of you next summer you’ll hear those dialogs:
“Let’s finish this dipshit excel model and rock Beamer’s!”
“Ow, no no no no no, this is sooo 2010…”
Keep realistic
@91 Expect a kick in the balls once Bess gets her lazy ass out of bed this morning. You are the Banker Who Played With Fire.
Anal_yst @90 – yes. While benching 251.
In fairness #91 has to brace for the worst; he’s the guy that hands out the papertowels in the Beamers men’s bathroom.
@ 47/91 I laugh at your predictions of doom for the other strip clubs in the CT area as Beamers experiences a shortened refractory period and begins raking in the cash.
The other strip clubs will be forced to focus and compete for the dedicated niche market strip club customer. I happen to like large, older, women with pregnancy stretch marks and sagging tits. You can’t find that at Beamers if you offered to pay twice the going rate, but at Nanas and Grey Grannies, you can. There is an incredible market for high school boys going to their first strip club experience. If they went really high end, they’d blow their loads (of cash) in less than a minute. So clubs like Pimple Asses and Unshaved Coochies are right up their alley.
Speaking of back alleys, I was assuming that @47/91 enjoy women stripping. Plenty of men get hard at the thought of other men grinding in their laps. There are a lot of great male clubs in the Nutmeg State, like The Mine Shaft, the Manhole, and might I suggest that you check out Sausages. I recommend the Greek Po Boy Special. It is definitely more than a mouthful.
Dear DealBreaker
How does a one-armed man post comments with a 2006 vintage BlackBerry?
Sincerely
Curious in NYC
“Which is fine, we do this all the time and that’s why we’re paid big bucks. But we don’t do headlines saying how we save the world (or at least we don’t mean it).”
Those who can’t, hate.
@91: If you know it all, go save another strip club. Any strip club, bar, casino or other establishment of vice will do just fine.
Enlihgteinng the world, one helpful article at a time.
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