If you feel the need to tell the guy who sits next to you that you’re for real going to fucking kill him, do it in the men’s room. In that same vein, smart aleck comment such as “Oh yeah, I really wanna do you, Vikram,” when what you really mean is “not with Alwaleed’s dick,” should be deployed to his face.
Citi Presentation [PDF]
Plebes.
OMG it quotes the NHF!!
Do not place things in Bess’s inbox unsolicited.
don’t use “hotdog in a hallway” and “deborahlee” in the same sentence/email either
Fucking email, how does it work?
Do not place things in Bess’s box unsolicited.
5- it’s like science and shit. Fuck that.
Ray Dalio does not approve of this list
Deborahlee > 7 = exaggeration
At UBS, the “reply to all” button is the only was to get things done!
Do not hide in the restroom with a tape recorder.
Who’s hands are those in slide 2???????????
Dealbreaker Commenter, 2007
I love to send outrageous and otherwise compromising e-mails to my friends at firms. It’s like that getting caught while fucking in public thing.
I feel if I’m fired for e-mail content I must not have been a strong performing asset anyways.
@2 The better NHF quote is, “Never write when you can talk. Never talk when you can nod. And never put anything in an e-mail.”
It has a nice “known unknowns” cadence to it.
Sublime read aloud in Cookie Monster’s voice.
In Soviet Russia, Reply to All hits you…
Attention everyone, hello. Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Do not repay bailout debt.
Nothing like starting your compliance decks with a quote from Eliot Spitzer.
“Nobody wants me. But I still read all of your personal email.” Kouwe.
@12 I remember that one. Good times.
Lame
Wheres the final IR Dimebabes list?
rumor has it at Citi this email protocol reminder was due to Vik hitting reply all on his beanie baby auctions on Ebay; Alaweed got sick and tired of receiving his auction results
Only Citi is dumb enough to number their pages wrong. 10 pages, not 11, fellas. The red and green slider-bar never gets filled. Like the balance sheet holes at Citi.
@23: There are sheet holes all over Wall Street, ya know.
You have no idea the shit I’ve seen.
-Alwaleed’s dick
@23 – I’m just guessing, stay with me here, that page 11 had contact information for compliance people, and was intentionally left off the version posted here.
@24 – cheap and easy, but I liked it. Had a good beat, I could dance to it. I give it an 8.
@27: I always liked cheap and easy. So thanks for the 8.
Hey guys.
No more 2K dinners.
- Bonkers McCaskill
I wrote a program once that can detect sarcasm.
-Harvard Extension School Night Program quant
@ 27/28 In tough economic times everyone loves cheap and easy.
@16 Does that include “That’s what she said”??
What is the firm policy on emoticons, please?
-NTK
Love the photo-montage on page 4.
heard they are requisitioning direct line dixie cups and string linkage for their top 100 platinum clients
“Remember, since the email can be forwarded, your audience may not be the only person you address…”
Wow, that’s embarrassing. They didn’t heed their own warning with this pdf.
@37
It took you that long to get that?
They forgot a couple of important DO and DON’Ts:
DO
1) take a crapload of bailout money
2) pay a boatload of money for a crappy hedge fund (Old Lane, anyone)
3) compete with Fannie/Freddie/AIG to become America’s #1 welfare recipient
4) become a $1 stock
DONT
1) fix any of the underlying risk issues
2) fire any of the decision-makers (Pandit) who led you off a cliff
3) bring in outside, independent board member who can actually fix anything
4) redo compensation
Seriously, no one takes the fall for C?
@39 you do realize Citi was going to shit before Pandit if not already there, right?
Not using sarcasm is the new killing it.
I do want to bang Bess Levin a**l style. LOL