• 15 Jul 2010 at 11:46 AM

Ex-Hedge Fund Manager’s Luck Not Yet Turned Around

A former hedge fund manager was beaten by his wife with a full bottle of wine following an argument this weekend. Susan Van Cook was arrested on Sunday, after Greenwich Hospital notified Rye, N.Y., police that her husband sought treatment for his injuries, which included a bite on the forearm. Joseph Van Cook, who was found to have late-traded mutual fund shares while working at Pritchard Capital Partners, required three staples and several stitches. “It was supposedly a full bottle of wine” Susan Van Cook used to hit her husband in the head, Lt. Joseph Verille of the Rye police told the Journal News.

Police: Hedge Fund Manager Assaulted By Wife With Wine Bottle [FINalternatives]

125 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (125)

  1. Posted by sladd | July 15, 2010 at 11:51 AM

    I assume it was a red!

  2. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 11:52 AM

    Hell hath no wrath like a Kouwe scorned.

    -Dude who still makes Kouwe jokes.

  3. Posted by sladd | July 15, 2010 at 11:53 AM

    i am a bit disappointed that there was no spitting or defecating involved as well

  4. Posted by UPS #1 Stunna | July 15, 2010 at 11:54 AM

    Do be fair, some boxes can be quite lethal in a battle of thrown objects.

  5. Posted by anon | July 15, 2010 at 11:54 AM

    Is it wrong that I’m turned on by this?

  6. Posted by Texashedge | July 15, 2010 at 11:54 AM

    I hope it was cheap wine

  7. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 11:55 AM

    the move is classic, i just hope she did not use a vintage

  8. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 11:57 AM

    @2 seriously it’s not funny anymore and downright pathetic!

    -Zachary

  9. Posted by sladd | July 15, 2010 at 11:58 AM

    in true hedge fund from they should give her 2 to 20….. and “primebroker” her at the coxsackie correctional facility

  10. Posted by CMBS 4-Life | July 15, 2010 at 11:59 AM

    obviously unhappy with the size of his bank account and the fact she was drinking yellow tail.

  11. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 11:59 AM

    A bottle of red… whack! OUCH!
    A bottle of white… whack! OUCH!
    It all depends on your appetite
    I’ll meet you anytime you want
    In our Italian Restaurant…. WHACK!

  12. Posted by sladd | July 15, 2010 at 12:01 PM

    @11 i am laughing!

  13. Posted by guest | July 15, 2010 at 12:01 PM

    mmm. “yellow tail.”

  14. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:02 PM

    I’m new to this site, who is Zachary Kouwe? Is he an analyst at a hedge fund?

  15. Posted by NakedShort | July 15, 2010 at 12:02 PM

    When my wife gets pissed off at me she throws full Franzia boxes at my head.

  16. Posted by sladd | July 15, 2010 at 12:03 PM

    @14 – never use him to help you write a term paper

  17. Posted by guest | July 15, 2010 at 12:03 PM

    @15/NS apparently her aim is off. just sayin’.

  18. Posted by Tax Chic | July 15, 2010 at 12:04 PM

    rumor has it that yerrow tail has a vertical vagina.

  19. Posted by CMBS 4-Life | July 15, 2010 at 12:07 PM

    @ tax chic – you mean upside down?

  20. Posted by NakedShort | July 15, 2010 at 12:07 PM

    @17 I am going to start a new movement: “Bros Franzing Bros”

  21. Posted by Steve Cohen | July 15, 2010 at 12:09 PM

    When my wife gets pissed off at me she turns the rink into a swimming pool, sans diving board.

  22. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:10 PM

    Yellow Tail is delicious and a staple of my diet.

    /just a guy who likes Yellow Tail and asian massage parlors

  23. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    I am NOT getting beaten with any fucking merlot!

  24. Posted by FKA LA | July 15, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    Concur with 22. Cab or shiraz, ftw.

  25. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    @8 – you misspelled your name.

  26. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:16 PM

    @20/NS – things are going to get even crazier than normal around HBCPGHQ.

  27. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:20 PM

    If anybody should be invited to dealbreakers Beamers night, it is this guy.

  28. Posted by the scoop | July 15, 2010 at 12:24 PM

    Turns out when one gets home from a nice dinner with one’s wife you should keep your cell phone in sight or else one’s wife may answer it and find out about your 28 year old girlfriend from BigDough

  29. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:25 PM

    I think he bumped his head on a door.

  30. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:25 PM

    Wasn’t this a UB40 song?

  31. Posted by guest | July 15, 2010 at 12:28 PM

    @25 He misspelled *everybody’s name, that was like his calling card.

  32. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:30 PM

    wonder if he was not quick enough mixing up a fresh dunkin donuts iced coffee and vodka or at night is it merlot and diet coke

  33. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:33 PM

    Fucking hedge fund people….Connecticut is just a wealthy Uganda.

  34. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:33 PM

    In Connecticut, wine bottle opens you!

  35. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:34 PM

    I’m surprised she didn’t go for a raw steak. It takes talent to hit your husband with a wine bottle.

  36. Posted by Bess Levin | July 15, 2010 at 12:35 PM

    @27 3 steps ahead of you

  37. Posted by guest | July 15, 2010 at 12:36 PM

    the tags FTW

  38. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:39 PM

    Next time, keep some Riunite around……so nice

  39. Posted by guest | July 15, 2010 at 12:42 PM

    Stuff like this happens at AQR all the time. It’s no big deal.

  40. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:44 PM

    I think Dalio would approve of the action.

  41. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 12:58 PM

    It’s like she knew Karate.

    -Ray

  42. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:06 PM

    Hit with a wine bottle, bite marks? Why did he call the police, sounds like a victimless crime.

    -ping

  43. Posted by Beavis | July 15, 2010 at 1:09 PM

    @Bess:
    1 Step Ahead: Already invited him.
    2 Steps Ahead: Already been on a field trip with him?
    3 Steps Ahead: ??

    I’d like to know.

  44. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:20 PM

    such Gallos humor….

  45. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:24 PM

    Well…if it was a reisling, it would have hurt less if it was a full bottle.

    (carbonation pushes against bottle walls and reduces force threshold neccesary for shattering)

    – Guy eager to show off esoteric knowledge.

  46. Posted by anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:25 PM

    @33 Oh, Come On!!

    -Guy who likes Uganda

  47. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:29 PM

    @30 – FTW

    @Bess – consider adding the tag “We’re out of Merlot”

  48. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:31 PM

    is this the new killing it?

  49. Posted by Mel | July 15, 2010 at 1:36 PM

    How come I didn’t think of this?

    – Mel G.

  50. Posted by Anal_yst | July 15, 2010 at 1:37 PM

    Magnum of Berringer White Zin? Yea, that’d explain alot.

  51. Posted by tennis tata's | July 15, 2010 at 1:44 PM

    it’s a good thing she didn’t wallop him with those huge tennis balls on her chest, my man would still be out cold

  52. Posted by anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:45 PM

    She’s not getting enough Van Cook

  53. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:46 PM

    In Bruges

  54. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:47 PM

    an upside-down vagina is just a whore getting pile drived, yellow tail has a horizontal vagina, just sayin

  55. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 1:58 PM

    Wine bottles are an arrestable offence but whiteboard markers go to civil court?

  56. Posted by guest | July 15, 2010 at 2:03 PM

    In vino veritas.
    -keeping Latin alive on DealBreaker

  57. Posted by Hank Moody | July 15, 2010 at 2:14 PM

    @35 – “…takes talent.”

    …as well as forearm strength. Not to mention one hell of a grip.

    Just imagine the handy.

  58. Posted by Tax Chick | July 15, 2010 at 2:27 PM

    But did she drink the wine when she was finished kicking his ass? If she did, I have a new hero.

  59. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 2:40 PM
  60. Posted by CMBS 4-Life | July 15, 2010 at 2:46 PM

    @53 = lollipop man

  61. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 2:49 PM

    “It was supposedly a full bottle of wine” – Lt. Verille Rye PD

    Are there minimum sentencing guidelines for a full versus a half-full bottle of wine?

    If he was Bearish, he was beaten with a half-empty bottle of wine, If he is a Bull the bottle was half-full.

    Was she unsure about what it meant to “Ice” him?

  62. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 2:55 PM

    @ 57- I’m imagining it as I type.

    -35

  63. Posted by nouriel | July 15, 2010 at 3:13 PM

    2009 bordeaux futures are too expensive to be used , must have been a crappy Merlot from Napa

  64. Posted by Anonymous | July 15, 2010 at 3:25 PM

    @63, probably a syrah, post divorce she wont be able to waste merlot

  65. Posted by smokinggun | July 15, 2010 at 6:59 PM

    I heard the wife is consulting the soon to be former Mrs. Woods. This is a case of a wife trying to help her husband from hurting himself! Just wait, Gloria Allred will fill you in on all the details.

  66. Posted by Anonymous | July 16, 2010 at 1:25 AM

    Bro you just got ACESCENCED!!! Imagine the mere sight of a Piccolo bottle triggering PTSD anxiety… stay away from those Melchizedek bottles, you hear?

  67. Posted by -Dixsie normous | July 16, 2010 at 9:16 AM

    with a name like van cook he probably deserved it

  68. Posted by the scoop | July 16, 2010 at 10:56 AM

    At Ladenburg we call him Van Crook…..late traded mutual funds like no one else in the biz

  69. Posted by Anonymous | July 18, 2010 at 6:49 PM

    Pritchard Capital isn’t a hedge fund. It’s an energy investment bank, and not a very good one at that.

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