News

Ex-Hedge Fund Manager’s Luck Not Yet Turned Around

A former hedge fund manager was beaten by his wife with a full bottle of wine following an argument this weekend. Susan Van Cook was arrested on Sunday, after Greenwich Hospital notified Rye, N.Y., police that her husband sought treatment for his injuries, which included a bite on the forearm. Joseph Van Cook, who was found to have late-traded mutual fund shares while working at Pritchard Capital Partners, required three staples and several stitches. “It was supposedly a full bottle of wine” Susan Van Cook used to hit her husband in the head, Lt. Joseph Verille of the Rye police told the Journal News.

Police: Hedge Fund Manager Assaulted By Wife With Wine Bottle [FINalternatives]

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125 Responses to “Ex-Hedge Fund Manager’s Luck Not Yet Turned Around”

  1. sladd says:

    I assume it was a red!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hell hath no wrath like a Kouwe scorned.

    -Dude who still makes Kouwe jokes.

  3. sladd says:

    i am a bit disappointed that there was no spitting or defecating involved as well

  4. Do be fair, some boxes can be quite lethal in a battle of thrown objects.

  5. anon says:

    Is it wrong that I’m turned on by this?

  6. Texashedge says:

    I hope it was cheap wine

  7. Anonymous says:

    the move is classic, i just hope she did not use a vintage

  8. Anonymous says:

    @2 seriously it’s not funny anymore and downright pathetic!

    -Zachary

  9. sladd says:

    in true hedge fund from they should give her 2 to 20….. and “primebroker” her at the coxsackie correctional facility

  10. CMBS 4-Life says:

    obviously unhappy with the size of his bank account and the fact she was drinking yellow tail.

  11. Anonymous says:

    A bottle of red… whack! OUCH!
    A bottle of white… whack! OUCH!
    It all depends on your appetite
    I’ll meet you anytime you want
    In our Italian Restaurant…. WHACK!

  12. sladd says:

    @11 i am laughing!

  13. guest says:

    mmm. “yellow tail.”

  14. Anonymous says:

    I’m new to this site, who is Zachary Kouwe? Is he an analyst at a hedge fund?

  15. NakedShort says:

    When my wife gets pissed off at me she throws full Franzia boxes at my head.

  16. sladd says:

    @14 – never use him to help you write a term paper

  17. guest says:

    @15/NS apparently her aim is off. just sayin’.

  18. Tax Chic says:

    rumor has it that yerrow tail has a vertical vagina.

  19. CMBS 4-Life says:

    @ tax chic – you mean upside down?

  20. NakedShort says:

    @17 I am going to start a new movement: “Bros Franzing Bros”

  21. Steve Cohen says:

    When my wife gets pissed off at me she turns the rink into a swimming pool, sans diving board.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Yellow Tail is delicious and a staple of my diet.

    /just a guy who likes Yellow Tail and asian massage parlors

  23. Anonymous says:

    I am NOT getting beaten with any fucking merlot!

  24. FKA LA says:

    Concur with 22. Cab or shiraz, ftw.

  25. Anonymous says:

    @8 – you misspelled your name.

  26. Anonymous says:

    @20/NS – things are going to get even crazier than normal around HBCPGHQ.

  27. Anonymous says:

    If anybody should be invited to dealbreakers Beamers night, it is this guy.

  28. the scoop says:

    Turns out when one gets home from a nice dinner with one’s wife you should keep your cell phone in sight or else one’s wife may answer it and find out about your 28 year old girlfriend from BigDough

  29. Anonymous says:

    I think he bumped his head on a door.

  30. Anonymous says:

    Wasn’t this a UB40 song?

  31. guest says:

    @25 He misspelled *everybody’s name, that was like his calling card.

  32. Anonymous says:

    wonder if he was not quick enough mixing up a fresh dunkin donuts iced coffee and vodka or at night is it merlot and diet coke

  33. Anonymous says:

    Fucking hedge fund people….Connecticut is just a wealthy Uganda.

  34. Anonymous says:

    In Connecticut, wine bottle opens you!

  35. Anonymous says:

    I’m surprised she didn’t go for a raw steak. It takes talent to hit your husband with a wine bottle.

  36. Bess Levin says:

    @27 3 steps ahead of you

  37. guest says:

    the tags FTW

  38. Anonymous says:

    Next time, keep some Riunite around……so nice

  39. guest says:

    Stuff like this happens at AQR all the time. It’s no big deal.

  40. Anonymous says:

    I think Dalio would approve of the action.

  41. Anonymous says:

    It’s like she knew Karate.

    -Ray

  42. Anonymous says:

    Hit with a wine bottle, bite marks? Why did he call the police, sounds like a victimless crime.

    -ping

  43. Beavis says:

    @Bess:
    1 Step Ahead: Already invited him.
    2 Steps Ahead: Already been on a field trip with him?
    3 Steps Ahead: ??

    I’d like to know.

  44. Anonymous says:

    such Gallos humor….

  45. Anonymous says:

    Well…if it was a reisling, it would have hurt less if it was a full bottle.

    (carbonation pushes against bottle walls and reduces force threshold neccesary for shattering)

    – Guy eager to show off esoteric knowledge.

  46. anonymous says:

    @33 Oh, Come On!!

    -Guy who likes Uganda

  47. Anonymous says:

    @30 – FTW

    @Bess – consider adding the tag “We’re out of Merlot”

  48. Anonymous says:

    is this the new killing it?

  49. Mel says:

    How come I didn’t think of this?

    – Mel G.

  50. Anal_yst says:

    Magnum of Berringer White Zin? Yea, that’d explain alot.

  51. tennis tata's says:

    it’s a good thing she didn’t wallop him with those huge tennis balls on her chest, my man would still be out cold

  52. anonymous says:

    She’s not getting enough Van Cook

  53. Anonymous says:

    In Bruges

  54. Anonymous says:

    an upside-down vagina is just a whore getting pile drived, yellow tail has a horizontal vagina, just sayin

  55. Anonymous says:

    Wine bottles are an arrestable offence but whiteboard markers go to civil court?

  56. guest says:

    In vino veritas.
    -keeping Latin alive on DealBreaker

  57. Hank Moody says:

    @35 – “…takes talent.”

    …as well as forearm strength. Not to mention one hell of a grip.

    Just imagine the handy.

  58. Tax Chick says:

    But did she drink the wine when she was finished kicking his ass? If she did, I have a new hero.

  59. CMBS 4-Life says:

    @53 = lollipop man

  60. Anonymous says:

    “It was supposedly a full bottle of wine” – Lt. Verille Rye PD

    Are there minimum sentencing guidelines for a full versus a half-full bottle of wine?

    If he was Bearish, he was beaten with a half-empty bottle of wine, If he is a Bull the bottle was half-full.

    Was she unsure about what it meant to “Ice” him?

  61. Anonymous says:

    @ 57- I’m imagining it as I type.

    -35

  62. nouriel says:

    2009 bordeaux futures are too expensive to be used , must have been a crappy Merlot from Napa

  63. Anonymous says:

    @63, probably a syrah, post divorce she wont be able to waste merlot

  64. smokinggun says:

    I heard the wife is consulting the soon to be former Mrs. Woods. This is a case of a wife trying to help her husband from hurting himself! Just wait, Gloria Allred will fill you in on all the details.

  65. Anonymous says:

    Bro you just got ACESCENCED!!! Imagine the mere sight of a Piccolo bottle triggering PTSD anxiety… stay away from those Melchizedek bottles, you hear?

  66. -Dixsie normous says:

    with a name like van cook he probably deserved it

  67. the scoop says:

    At Ladenburg we call him Van Crook…..late traded mutual funds like no one else in the biz

  68. Anonymous says:

    Pritchard Capital isn’t a hedge fund. It’s an energy investment bank, and not a very good one at that.

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