The scene: You’re at your desk buying, selling, sending asinine IMs to your colleagues and just generally kicking ass and taking names when you get an itch. A stirring, down in your plums. You need to stick your tongue in something sweet or there’s a good chance you might die. You need a cupcake, ASAP.
The internal conflict: Cupcakes are for chicks and pusses. You’re a fucking MAN. How would it look if you were seen eating that little slice of heaven? You’d sooner take estrogen pills, slip into some panties and heels and tell people to call you Stupid Girl and that’s something you’d never do unless asked nicely twice or maybe just once or maybe even voluntarily. But, oh god, you need that sugar so bad you’re gonna burst! BUT HOW?? you ask yourself, nearly on the verge of tears. Cupcakes are inherently a woman thing due to their size so would it be better to just eat an entire red velvet cake in the break room, literally just plow right through it letting the creamy white frosting goodness cascade down your hands and face? Would that man things up a bit? A little but 1) you love how big cupcakes make your hand look 2) you’re watching your weight (it’s beach season and all). There’s also the problem of most cupcake makers using lots of girly colors like pink and skimping on the non-manly ingredients like semen and sweat and gah it’s just too hard! WHAT’S A BOY TO DO??
The Solution: Enter David Arrick. He was laid off from his Wall Street gig and with the time on his hands, solved your problem. David, too, realized that eating cupcakes sent a message you didn’t want to send, so he for real came up with a company called “Butch Bakery” that lets you look like a man while devouring heaven in bite-sized form. How so? Glad you asked. Butch Bakery “stays away from the pink” and injects stuff like beer and whiskey and rum and coke to create a product that lets you maintain your non-chick status all the while allowing you to enjoy an “explosion in your mouth that is just delicious.”
>>>>The scene: You’re at your desk buying, selling, sending asinine IMs to your colleagues and just generally kicking ass and taking names when you get an itch. A stirring, down in your plums. You need to stick your tongue in something sweet or there’s a good chance you might die.
Is this how you envision Debhralee getting her next gig on the street?
enjoy an “explosion in your mouth that is just delicious.”
–Guy who doesn’t think any further comment is necessary.
@2 which is why I ended on that note.
so “coke,” as in cocaine? sign me up! Do they make any with meth?
@3/Bess
I can’t think of a better way for you to end things..
mmmmm, mancakes. i like the sound of that.
- Barack Hussein Obama
Can’t think anymore. Penis standing up.
Seriously, Bess, how am I supposed to walk around the office with this raging boner?
MOIST
@5…..you had to go there….
orgasm in the mouth
how about a more fitting item for a former Wall Streeter like racooon jerky, sour mash beer, a man scaping razor, wallet with a special protective condom holder, etc.
i wish i could short this guy’s idea.
I had absolutely no interest in this story/bakery until Bess put her spin on it. Now I feel it. Down in my plums.
@13
I too was short on this guy’s idea, then Bess’s article about it made me go long.
@7
Mine too, the thought of popping estrogen pills then putting on panties and high heels takes me straight from six to midnight.
-Zach Kouwe
In Soviet Russia, cupcake eats you!
in soviet russia, when someone repeats a stupid line one too many times, he is taken out to woods and shot. simple, but efficient.
@17 Keep them coming they’re hilarious.
@18 No one cares you commie.
@18 I am with you.
He’s going to have no trouble staying away from the pink with a beard like that.
@16 – snaps for that one.
-Guy who has to clean coke zero from his monitor now.
@ 18 & Bess, your party is up to three
“Butch Bakery?” Seems like the right name but wrong demographic… lesbians still love eating moist cupcakes right?
Cupcakes are exactly the same in content as donuts, just reshaped and prettied up to make women feel okay about eaten them. Only hipsters conditioned to have a feminine aesthetic dislike for donuts would eat these cupcakes. Well, got to hand it to him, most males on manhattan under the age of 22 are feminized hipsters.
homophobic metrosexuals….
(Im in the beer flavoured doughnut camp, mmmmm, doh)
- Homer
@17 give it a rest already
@18, you beat me to it, FTW
“oh it’s so moist”
“that’s what I like to hear”
priceless
Enjoying an "explosion in your mouth" as a way to feel more manly is the NKI