For the most part, you can’t swing a BD without knocking into someone who would rate Jamie Dimon on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “love that guy” 10 being “I’ve built a shrine to his cock at my desk.” Notice I said “FOR THE MOST PART.” Last week a guy on Facebook suggested he’d rather not be counted among the Dimon worshipers and today, in the midst of an otherwise glowing article about JD, Mike Mayo throws some hate in the direction of the House of Dimon.
“They are not Wells Fargo when it comes to retail banking. They are not American Express when it comes to credit cards. They are not BlackRock when it comes to asset management,” said Michael Mayo of Credit Agricole Securities. “And JPMorgan is not Goldman Sachs in emerging markets.”
Well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man. Furthermore, you think a guy who’s achieved the same level of fame as the woman who put the cone bra on the map is losing much sleep over what you think, boy?
The crisis cemented Mr. Dimon’s reputation as a financial superstar — a brazen dealmaker who buys when others are selling, a strict risk manager who resisted the type of exotic businesses that felled others, and a charismatic leader who charms congressmen and credit traders alike. He is now commonly referred to by a single name, like Pelé or Madonna.
Rumor has it Jamie Dimon just instructed Aramark to remove all mayo from the JPM cafeterias and replace it with Miracle Whip.
JPM: Greatest shop on the street. Suck it wannabees. That includes you, GS
If it helps, you’re the only Bess I know who isn’t a 19th century Englishwoman.
The first draft that wasn’t used:
“They are not Wells Fargo when it comes to retail banking. They are not American Express when it comes to credit cards. They are not BlackRock when it comes to asset management and they are not even Anna Chapman when it comes to being a spy,” said Michael Mayo of Credit Agricole Securities. “And JPMorgan is not Goldman Sachs in emerging markets.”
They are not The Situation when it comes to mackin’ it…
LvP felt sorry for Jamie and suggested JPM publish this retort:
Oh, Mike Mayo. He is not ketchup when it comes to zesty. He is not mustard when it comes to tangy. He is not peanut butter when it comes to spreadability. And he is not spooge from the golden scrot when it comes to creaminess. From now on, hold the Mayo, please.
“Brazen”? Doesn’t that mean you’re wearing a South American made bra?
~AIG Quant
If Mayo doesn’t have one-name status then I don’t know who does.
JP Morgan, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. JP Morgan, you’re no Jack Kennedy.
@3 Or a cow?
Wave good-bye to your buddies, Mayonnaise! Oh, I forgot. You don’t have any buddies, do you? Only customers!
may-yo-nnaise
who is mike mayo?
why is madonna in the tag?
Its not butter, cos mayo spreads better!
why am I thinking pearl necklaces now?
You know what they put on fries at credit agricole?
Banging Patty Mayonaise is the new killing it?
@15 sauce lyonnaise?
If JP Morgan (and most other banks) were not allowed to calim late mortgage payments as deffered income rather than being forced to not count them at all, they not look so great. However, Mayo is still a jealous, whinging little Bitch-Boy.
Credit Agricole Chimps
Mayo is an idiot. he has been pumping out sensationalist drivel for year and was one of the last to see JPM as a good story. The good news I started shorting what he say. Whatever mayo does, I do the inverse. Someone should formalize an "inverse mayo" ETF. Its easy money. Shouldn't all the banking analysts who are still around since 2008 be taken out and put in a paddock somewhere… what cred do they seriously muster…. ah, split JPM… nice one you muppet, ever listened to Dimon's cross sell story?