Archive for July 2010

Okay, so, just an FYI: if you happen to find yourself going through a divorce (which you filed for without telling your wife for a couple months, NBD) and the judge rules against you and you’re like “Well, I’m not at all happy with this turn of events at all and here’s what I’m going to do about it,” don’t let the thing(s) you do about it include:

* Hacking into the judge’s email and changing his password

* Sending messages from his account to his contacts such as “I can S my own D and have. True story.”

* Calling him and his family members and breathing heavily into the phone

* Logging onto chat rooms and leaving comments like the following under your real name: Continue reading »

  • 09 Jul 2010 at 9:45 AM

Opening Bell: 07.09.10

Paulson’s Flagship Funds Hit By Volatility (FT)
The $9bn flagship Paulson & Co Advantage fund lost 4.4 per cent in June, and is down 5.8 per cent in the year to date. Mr Paulson’s Credit Opportunities fund – which delivered 340 per cent returns in 2007 thanks to huge short positions against subprime mortgage instruments – was meanwhile down 0.9 per cent in June. Mr Paulson’s gold fund – set up barely a year ago – returned 7.3 per cent last month, however, and is up 13 per cent this year.

Deutsche Bank, Commerzbank, Postbank May Pass Stress Tests (Bloomberg)
The banks are expected to exceed the threshold of a 6 percent Tier 1 ratio under the stress scenario, which assumes an economic slowdown and sovereign-debt losses, said the people, who declined to be identified because the information isn’t official. The lenders are due to submit test results to regulators early next week, they said. “In principle, the stress tests are good news for the banking sector, but there’s been some criticism that the scenarios are too weak,” said Matthias Engelmayer, a Frankfurt- based analyst at Independent Research GmbH. “German political support for the stress tests signaled that the banks would be successful.”

Trichet Says It’s too Early to Say the Crisis Is Over (Reuters)
“Just like consumers and countries, governments cannot live beyond their means forever. Fiscal authorities need to look beyond the current cyclical upturn. There is no alternative to that,” Trichet said.

Hedge Fund Honcho’s Thoughts on Hedge Fund Tax (Forbes)
Leon Cooperman suggests alternative solutions. These include New York State becoming more efficient in cutting back spending and “regrettably, the use of VAT tax to attack the underground economy”. He was also not averse to a raise in taxes on the wealthy as long as it was done in a fair and equitable manner. He opines that Mayor Michael Bloomberg “gets it” and says that it would take just one billionaire leaving to adversely impact tax revenues in the city.

BP Stages a Comeback in Credit Markets (Bloomberg)
“People can make much more of an investable story out of it right now,” said Matthew Eagan, a money manager at Loomis Sayles in Boston, which oversees $145 billion in equity and fixed-income assets. “There is a bit of hope built into the prices here. But people are saying we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and we’re willing to make that leap of faith.”

Biggest Defaulters on Mortgages Are Now the Very Rich (NYT)
“The rich are different: they are more ruthless,” said Sam Khater, CoreLogic’s senior economist.

Open Letter to Fans from Cavaliers Majority Owner Dan Gilbert (NBA)
Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. You have given so much and deserve so much more. In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: Continue reading »

  • 08 Jul 2010 at 6:09 PM

Write-Offs: 07.08.10

$$$ U.S. gives China pass on currency [Reuters]

$$$ Hedge Funds Increase Short Exposure Yet Still Suffer Poor Performance [MF]

$$$ Meltzer Says U.S. Economic Programs Have Been `Foolish’ [Bloomberg]

$$$ Casino, Gambler Who Lost $127 Million Near Settlement [WSJ]

$$$ Former NIR Group Analyst Accused of Securities Fraud [Forbes]

$$$ Joe Cassano’s Facial Expressions [NYO]

In 2002, accusations by then Attorney General Eliot Spitzer set off a chain of events that resulted in Merrill Lynch analyst Henry Blodget being fined $4 million in fines and repayments and being banned from the securities industry for life. Those polled at the time probably didn’t expect the two to end up bros. Today we find out how utterly wrong they were. Continue reading »

Paulson and Company has had a tough couplea months. The firm has been on the receiving end of a lot of shit, none of it really due but mostly thanks to a certain Frenchman and his blood-sucking overlords dragging the hedge fund’s name into the press and June didn’t go so amazingly as it relates to making money. But! There is some good news to report which that P&C’s assets under management only fell to to $30.9 billion, down from $33.1 billion, leaving investors with something to smile about. Continue reading »

Generally, when the topic of Jamie Dimon comes up, vis-a-vis his nuts, and what people would like to do to them, the answers tend to veer toward “build a shrine to them,” “nuzzle them,” “gaze lovingly at them,” “have them rest on my chin,” “put them in my mouth” and “create a mold of them and rub for good luck.” Inflicting harm is almost never suggested, unless by a certain analyst who shows love via BDSM. Bucking that trend is a fellow named Sean Michael Carey. SMC wants Jamie hit where it hurts, on account of the fact that JD apparently owes him $142. “If you see him today punch him in the balls and say ‘Sean Michael Carey sends his regards, fucker’,” Carey wrote on the wall of the Facebook group he formed yesterday for the sole purpose of getting the message out. Carey adds that if you’re going to do this for him, please be advised: Continue reading »

The scene: You’re at your desk buying, selling, sending asinine IMs to your colleagues and just generally kicking ass and taking names when you get an itch. A stirring, down in your plums. You need to stick your tongue in something sweet or there’s a good chance you might die. You need a cupcake, ASAP.

The internal conflict: Cupcakes are for chicks and pusses. You’re a fucking MAN. How would it look if you were seen eating that little slice of heaven? You’d sooner take estrogen pills, slip into some panties and heels and tell people to call you Stupid Girl and that’s something you’d never do unless asked nicely twice or maybe just once or maybe even voluntarily. But, oh god, you need that sugar so bad you’re gonna burst! BUT HOW?? you ask yourself, nearly on the verge of tears. Cupcakes are inherently a woman thing due to their size so would it be better to just eat an entire red velvet cake in the break room, literally just plow right through it letting the creamy white frosting goodness cascade down your hands and face? Would that man things up a bit? A little but 1) you love how big cupcakes make your hand look 2) you’re watching your weight (it’s beach season and all). There’s also the problem of most cupcake makers using lots of girly colors like pink and skimping on the non-manly ingredients like semen and sweat and gah it’s just too hard! WHAT’S A BOY TO DO?? Continue reading »


If you feel the need to tell the guy who sits next to you that you’re for real going to fucking kill him, do it in the men’s room. In that same vein, smart aleck comment such as “Oh yeah, I really wanna do you, Vikram,” when what you really mean is “not with Alwaleed’s dick,” should be deployed to his face. Continue reading »

All Lindsay Lohan ever did was drive drunk a few times, endanger the lives of others, show flagrant disregard for the law, star in a few terrible movies and preside over the death of a puppy with each passing day she refuses to go back to her natural red roots from that god-awful bleach blonde. For all this and maybe a little more, people say she sucks. And then you have Lloyd Blankfein, over there on West Street, consistently making it rain day in and day out, not racking up the DUIs and definitely not making horrible hair choices, getting a free pass? It’s not right, says the guy directing her in a new Linda Lovelace film (once she gets out of the clink). Continue reading »

The ever so modest Oracle begs off the notion that LeBron needs his help but throws out the offer nevertheless, ensuring later today he’ll be getting a panicked, “Warren, it’s LeBron– I’m about to go out there. Should I or should I not kick things off by tea-bagging a camera man??” Continue reading »