July 2010

  • News

    Rush Limbaugh Is Calling Apple A Buy

    True or false: all the Apple/iPhone craziness has left you confused re: how to play this trade. You don’t know which analysts to trust and what you could really use is a sober voice of reason to tell you what to do. Well, today’s your lucky day. Rush Limbaugh has decided to share his formidable […]

    / Jul 15, 2010 at 2:51 PM
  • News

    Vikram Pandit: Government Should Be Out Of Our Hair By The End Of The Year

    Pack your bags, Timbo. It’s been real. In other good-for-Vickles news, analyst are predicting that Citi will post profits of of a whole nickel per share tomorrow, in which case you can probably expect something like this to go down in the C-suite in about 18 hours.

    / Jul 15, 2010 at 2:29 PM
  • News

    How Much Would You Pay For A Topless Picture Of Jim Cramer?

    Go with me on this.

    / Jul 15, 2010 at 1:27 PM
  • News

    Hank Paulson Apparently Still Somewhat Defensive About Criticism Over Taking Ski Vacation While Wall Street Burned To The Ground

    As you may know, in December 2008, when things were getting really fun on Wall Street and Ken Lewis was calling him in a fit of drunk tears to ask if it was too late to pull out of the whole BAC-MER thing, Hank Paulson was in Aspen was hitting the slopes. No big deal […]

    / Jul 15, 2010 at 1:10 PM
  • News

    Ex-Hedge Fund Manager’s Luck Not Yet Turned Around

    A former hedge fund manager was beaten by his wife with a full bottle of wine following an argument this weekend. Susan Van Cook was arrested on Sunday, after Greenwich Hospital notified Rye, N.Y., police that her husband sought treatment for his injuries, which included a bite on the forearm. Joseph Van Cook, who was […]

    / Jul 15, 2010 at 11:46 AM
  • News

    Who Wants Some Pretty Decent Odds Of Getting Laid Tonight (For Charity)?

    Reach: Rewarding Achievement is an educational non-profit started three years ago which helps prepare disadvantaged high school students prep for their AP exams. The program tutors roughly 3,700 kids in 31 New York schools on the weekends and awards them cash prizes of $500 for scoring a 5, $400 for 4’s and $300 for 3’s. […]

    / Jul 15, 2010 at 10:20 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 07.15.10

    JPMorgan’s Earnings Surge 76% (MarketWatch) The bank said Thursday that its second-quarter profit jumped 76% as results were boosted by a $1.5 billion reduction in the group’s loan loss reserves. JPM posted earnings of $4.8 billion, or $1.09 cents a share for the quarter, compared to $2.7 billion, or 28 cents in the same period […]

    / Jul 15, 2010 at 9:30 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 07.14.10

    $$$ Roubini Says Obama Should Address Nation as Adults [Bloomberg] $$$ Eleven Banks Will Fail EU Stress Tests: Strategist [CNBC] $$$ Grant On Potential New Federal Reserve Governors [Bloomberg] $$$ SEC Delves Into ‘Proxy Plumbing‘ [WSJ]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 6:00 PM
  • News

    Anonymous Hedge Fund Manager Is In A Mood

    “Life is such a fucking disaster,” a prominent New York hedge fund manager said recently. “We all live in some kind of world we create for ourselves. And I think that what happened is that built into that world were very enlarged expectations about what life was going to be. There’s been this sensation of […]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 5:34 PM
  • News

    Mike Mayo Doesn’t Think JPMorgan’s That Great

    For the most part, you can’t swing a BD without knocking into someone who would rate Jamie Dimon on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “love that guy” 10 being “I’ve built a shrine to his cock at my desk.” Notice I said “FOR THE MOST PART.” Last week a guy on Facebook […]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 4:57 PM
  • News

    Caption Contest Wednesday

    [The Oracle Of O and Mr. President talk shop at the White House this afternoon.]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 2:24 PM
  • News

    Former SEC Chairman Harvey Pitt: You Could Clip Together 2,000 Copies Of The “Pre-BOOTY Call Agreement,” Slap On A Dodd-Frank Cover Page And No One In Congress Would Be The Wiser

    Why? According to Pitt, in a bold (though perhaps not so far-fetched) claim, nobody’s actually read the thing. Dodd-Frank is a ponderous beast. If Congress were paid by the word or the page, this verbiage might be understandable. But neither of those conditions exists, meaning all we can be certain of is that no one […]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 2:01 PM
  • News

    Who Wants to Become A Rebellion Research Investor?

    First off, let me start by putting this out there: Team Rebellion doesn’t need your money. As you can plainly see from the photo at left, if this whole hedge fund thing doesn’t work out, the principals can easily find work as a boy band. Having said that, they’re going to keep at this money […]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 1:30 PM
  • News

    Banker Couple’s Dog Savagely Murdered

    Since it became de rigeur to hate on Wall Street, one of the most common refrains we hear about are financial services employees’ abuse of animals. “Goldman Sachs clubs baby seals in the basement of 85 Broad” this, “bankers kick puppies and have a good laugh about it” that. Well look who the sick fucks […]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 12:14 PM
  • News

    Attention Women Of Dubai Ages 14-17

    Break out the massage oils, ladies “Jeffrey Epstein will be a free man next week when his year-long probation ends. The billionaire, who’s been under house arrest since last July, will no longer need permission to travel. A source said Epstein — a registered sex offender because he pleaded guilty to soliciting teenage masseuses for […]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 11:32 AM
  • News

    Descendent Of Mr. Goldman (Sachs) Not Too Happy About The Way A Certain Someone Is Running Her Grandfather’s Firm

    As you’re likely aware, there are a whole bunch of people who’ve been giving Lloyd Blankfein shit for the past year or so. Pissant members of Congress, peasants, PETA. They’ve been a bit of a nuisances but their impotent rage has been fairly easy to brush and in many cases laugh off. None of them […]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 11:20 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 07.14.10

    Financial Overhaul Hits Farmers (WSJ) Farmer Jim Kreutz uses derivatives to soften the blow should the price of feed corn drop before harvest. His brother-in-law, feedlot owner Jon Reeson, turns to them to hedge the price of his steer. The local farmers’ co-op uses derivatives to finance fixed-price diesel for truckers who carry cattle to […]

    / Jul 14, 2010 at 9:30 AM
  • News

    A Little Perspective, Please

    Over the last few weeks/months, a decent number of people have gotten their faces ripped off, little known fund managers like John Paulson included. There’ve been a lot of pity-parties, a lot of “why me” and a lot of JO&C. While one could take the approach of telling you to stuff it and take it […]

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 5:45 PM
  • News

    Is Congress Encouraging People To Kill Their Old/Rich Relatives?

    At least one guy says yes, though perhaps this is just an all to convenient way of blaming the government for something he’s been planning on doing all along. Funny how that happened. Advisers say the estate-tax dilemma is especially awkward for heirs. “At least in December 2009, people wanted to keep their relatives alive,” […]

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 4:09 PM
  • News

    Area Brit Defends Right To Treat Bankers Like Incubi Of Viral Plague

    “The Chief Executive Of The British Bankers Association joins us on the line, Angela Knight. You’ve said that bankers are treated like lepers and carriers of bird flu. Do you not think that is no doubt because your members took huge sums of taxpayer money, caused a collapse of the economy, which is leading so […]

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 3:33 PM
  • News

    Ken Feinberg Mulling Over Having A Little More Fun With Wall Street

    His time here is almost over but before he takes off for a little maxing and relaxing, the Compensation Cop is apparently thinking about having some fun with bonuses that were paid out that for “the bailout year of 2008″ by all banks that took TARP funds and not just the ones who’ve yet to […]

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 3:02 PM
  • News

    Russian Spy Will Not Be Able To Visit With Ex-Husband, Work For Barclays Again Anytime Soon

    Well, this is a set-back. Anna Chapman, the only Russian spy anyone cares about, has had her British citizenship revoked, and the U.K.’s Home Secretary apparently has plans to “exclude” her from the region entirely, as it would be “conducive to the public good.”

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 1:48 PM
  • News

    Ken Griffin’s Hero Dies

    Talking about KG’s grandmother, obviously, and not you know who. Apparently Genevieve Huebsch Gratz, who died last week at the age of 98, was a “fount of unsolicited advice” and taught Kenny-boy everything he knows.

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 1:13 PM
  • News

    Looking For That Extra Edge?

    Are you old as fuck? I mean, for Wall Street, what with all the whippsnappers running wild, not for, like, the earth? Might we suggest an age-old technique for getting that spring back in your step that apparently fell out of fashion almost 100 years ago but is surely set to make a comeback, probably […]

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 12:47 PM
  • News

    Ex-UBS Employee Wants To Improve Your Love Life

    Are you looking for a relationship and/or tension release? Do you for some reason have it as a pre-requisite that the person with whom you want to mate/date know what you’re talking about when you drop terms like “puts,” “calls” and “spreads”? Do you not have the time to get out there and find that […]

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 12:25 PM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 07.13.10

    Finance Bill Close To Passage In Senate (WSJ) Sens. Scott Brown of Massachusetts and Olympia Snowe of Maine both said they would vote for the measure when Democrats bring it to a vote, which could happen as soon as this week. Democrats and administration officials believe this gives them the necessary backing to overcome a […]

    / Jul 13, 2010 at 9:30 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 07.12.10

    $$$ Hunting for London’s Best, Weirdest Martinis [Bloomberg] $$$ Mr. Smith, who charges a retainer of $25,000 to $200,000 for clients who are professional athletes, said it’s not unusual for him to get calls from athletes at midnight, often about basic financial concepts: taxes, car leases, even questions about child support payments. “It’s constant re-educating,” […]

    / Jul 12, 2010 at 6:15 PM
  • News

    Jim Simons Might Have $150 Mill To Offer SUNY Stoney Brook Or He Might Not

    You want it, Albany? You know what you have to do. Otherwise Long Island gets its first tobacco farm.

    / Jul 12, 2010 at 5:01 PM

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