To the naked eye, it might seem like we already know so much about Anna Chapman, the only Russian spy arrested last week anyone cares about. Her employment history includes Barclays, Navigator Capital, and NetJets. She is “full of self-control.” She is “extremely professional and resourceful.” “Ambitious.” “Forward-thinking.” She may have made a mark out of Dr. Doom, the Oracle of O and the man, the myth, the legend, the grand high poobah of it all, Cookie Monster himself.
But, of course, there’s one thing we’ve yet to get any intel on, which is, how does this broad fuck? I mean, really. She may have bedded three of Wall Street’s most notorious bachelors and we’ve heard nothing? Nary a peep? It’s not right. Luckily, over the weekend, an ex-husband surfaced, more than willing to offer some color on the matter.
Take it away, Alex Chapman. “Anya was great in bed and she knew exactly what to do. She was awesome. For the first few months we met for sex about five days a week. We loved it.”
Alright, interesting. And then what happened? “She also liked posing for pictures.”
Really, pictures? That sounds like fun. I bet you don’t carry them around in your wallet or anything, though.
“I took one of her topless first thing in the morning,” he said, producing the evidence.
Wow, called my bluff. Okay, tell us more. Really take us there. What would say right before you snapped the pic? ‘Say cheese?’ Or something else? “I said to Anya ‘go on get them out!’ and I took the picture of her with only a bit of the duvet over her. She laughed about it.
Okay, enough beating around the bush. Was there any accoutrement involved? “We experimented with sex toys,” Alex Chapman said, producing a picture of Anna wielding a whip and another toy and wearing nipple clamps.
Wow, okay good stuff. Now tell us, did you ever have sex in public? Like say, on a plane?
During the first few months of their whirlwind romance, smitten Alex saw Anna in both London and Moscow. Alex told how he joined the Mile High Club with her during a BA flight back to Moscow in January 2002. He says: “When we were on the plane we came up with a plan to join the mile high club.” I went to the toilet first and told her to follow later and knock.
Didn’t think you were going to go into such detail, a simple ‘yes’ would’ve sufficed but now that you’ve got our attention, please, continue. Don’t skip any parts.
“Anya was wearing a denim dress so I hitched it up and we just went for it. It was fantastic because of the thrill of doing it on a plane. We were in the toilet for about 15 minutes and then one of the cabin crew knocked on the door. I said Anya had been sick and I was helping her.”
You two sounds like quite the duo what with the thinking on your toes re: excuses and the nipple clamps. When did it start going downhill? Surely over something involving a spreader and truss bar and no so mundane and cliche as a fight over a joint checking account?
“We’d been married for two years when I suggested maybe having a joint bank account. She just sternly replied ‘no’ and we had a blazing row about it. She just said, You keep your money and I will keep my money’.”
Mile-high sex games with my spy in the sky, Anna Chapman [NotW]
No cookie monster tag?
Yeah, no cookie monster tag. what are you going to do about it?
In Soviet Russia, plane fuck in you!
He seems like a classy guy.
I eat pieces of shit like Alex Chapman for breakfast
I double teamed her with Cookie Monster in my trash can… top that?
-Oscar the Grouch
a little NSFW warning on the link please
Too Ginger, didn’t read.
@8 you read it.
Anya? More like In ya.
my girlfriend only poses for other men
#7 is right…
Anya go on put them away, I’m at work dammit
@12 Macquarie banker?
@6 (Oscar) – Mrs. Cookie not know about that. Why you drop dime on Cookie Monster?
@8 = Kouwe Monster
Marrying for an English-sounding last name instead of money is the new rage in Russia.
She had me at “she loved to watch Benny Hill….”
~BP Safety Engineer
Bess, go on get them out!
Bess, you have such a potty mouth.
Only five days a week? What a prude.
Those life preservers never get old.
Nice to see Bess sticking up for herself (pardon the expression, of course).
We will have a statement shortly.
~American Peroxide Board
@7 in Soviet Russia, work not safe for you
Oh, come on. Who in the finance industry hasn’t had a well practiced, mile-high, nipple clamped, sex-toyed and dildo-whipped romp with a Russian woman who, by God, has her own money, thank you very much?
~Gundlach
hell yes
Well I guess that answers the HB/no HB question….
in soviet russia, nipples clamp you?
I started a Siberian lawn mowing service but my customers bagged me.
In Soviet Russia, tits bridge hands!
Wow, can’t wait for her 15 minutes to end. Maybe he could write a book and get a reality TV show
throwing up a little bit
Look at me everyones! Dat ho is no T on a S! Look at me!
Deboraleh
(Appearing this evening at Golden Rods in Flushing)
@29 – In communist Russia, law mows you.
In Soviet Russia, secretary pounds you.
What about da butt?
@35 everything but the girl…
@3/24/28/30/33 – You’re almost as annoying as the Gay Banker.
@34 – That was decent but I still don’t like the meme since it’s straight from family guy, 5 years ago.
@Bess – awesome tags as usual.
damnit bess. I’m torn between my new favorite tag: “Anya was wearing a denim dress so I hitched it up and we just went for it” or “We also experimented with sex toys” Life is too short for these type of choices…
@37 – You obviously did not study the history of humor while at school now did you?
@37 – While Family Guy did reference and use the “Russian Reversal” comedic style, the show did not create or invent this type of joke. Rather, it’s straight from Yakoff Smirnoff, 25ish years ago.
Try to keep up.
-Not the Joke Briefer
Ummm…were are these supposed pictures? And why can we not see them?
@40 FTW
Let’s see….”She knew exactly what to do”? Wow! That’s hard when you’re a woman…..just stick it someplace….ANY PLACE pretty much takes care of it for us!
Is there a “Razzies” style worst-of award for spies? (“Intellies”?)
Not only does she get outed as a spy, but she has a Facebook page, a linkedin page, and now nuddie pictures all over the internet?
It’s as though she was suppose to be Russia’s answer to Maxwell Smart.
Pardon the ignorance. But I still feel like the joke has been overused.
-Not an AIG quant but a fan of their work
what’s a pedderass, Walter?
@ Bess,
Would you like to fly to Moscow with me?
Macquarie Equity Sales ….. sluts , whores ,bimbos
@15 – i just dropped a kouwe monster… seriously
Cool story Hansel
This Ruskie ‘ho is incompetent at just about everything. Including running the front door at NetJets. I wAs just trying to replace the red-head I couldn’t have. Just makes me want Claman even more.
–Uncle Warren