Whether or not you wanted to know, the PIMCO founder has chosen to devote the first half (that’s 512 words) of August’s Outlook to the matter. Specifically, the indignity of the automatic flush. In related news, perhaps this would be a good time for PIMCO investors to start considering finding another person to manage their bond investments? Take it away, Bill:
I write this month to condemn the inventor of the electronic “seeing eye” toilet. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking toilets here, doo-doo-stuff, some of which I hopefully won’t step in myself over the next few paragraphs. I know there must be more substantive and less objectionable topics to bring before you, but I have a sense that many of you joint me in spirit if not common experience and so I devote this month’s Outlook to another trivial snippet emphasizing our joint humanity and sense of loss due to the recent disappearance of the hand flusher.
I don’t know where it is located exactly, but there’s an electronic eye in the plumbing of public toilets these days that can sense when you get up and down (or is it down and up) and are finally finished with your “business,” if you get my drift. My doctor says a proctology exam is a necessary evil but cameras in toilets? Never having seen myself from this particular angle, it is particularly embarrassing to turn over the assignment to camera and in effect say, “Snap away– see anything that doesn’t look right?” I figure if there’s an eye in there, then there could also be a little voice that says, “Have a seat,” which of course I do, usually with much haste and a sense that I’d better get on with it before I attract a crowd.
It’s after the dirty deed is complete, however, that the real intrigue begins. Does it flush or doesn’t it? Only the computer chip knows for sure. Sometimes, thought, after the paperwork has been filed, pants pulled up and an attempted getaway initiated– nothing happens. No flush. Well, what is one to do in such circumstances? You can’t just leave it there, you know. Sometimes when the toilet’s plugged and there’s no plunger like in European bathrooms, you can get out of there quick with conscience in tact, but only, of course after checking to see that there’s no one else in the restroom who might be able to testify against you in court for being a non-flusher. With electronic eye toilets, however, the conscience is never clear and so you wave your hand in front of the camera, hoping to convince it by the breaking of light waves that someone really has used the toilet and that somehow it just forgot, or maybe the deposit was so minuscule that it just didn’t merit a flush. Hello in there! Having failed to trick it, however, the next step is to look for that little button in the back that you supposedly push in an emergency– sort of like a “break glass in case of fire” toilet equivalent.
But think of all the billions of germs! At least with an old handle you could kick it with your shoe, hold up your arms like a doctor scrubbing for surgery and make an exit looking like you’re auditioning for a part on E.R. Finally, I supposed you head for the door, listening all the while for the flush, the flush, the beautiful sound of the flush! I could have done it myself, you know, for a lot less hassle. Which is why I support a retreat to the old days (not the backyard outhouse) but a good-old fashioned hand-flusher. One push, and presto, you’re good to go.”
Private Eyes [PDF via Daily Intel]
Speechless. I’m dumping my PIMCO no-load funds before you can wipe the look of disgust off my face.
Take it away #2….
Bill Gross once saw a pack of wild dogs take over and successfully run a Wendy’s.
I’m stuck toiling in a back office consulting gig trying desperately to get back on a desk, save my house and provide for my family, and this guy actually spent time thinking about this and writing it out for public oconsumption?
Seriously, it’s time for the old guard to go.
Gross got started in finance because money managers were the only places in town with acceptable bathrooms.
Is this a prank or real?
Well, if it isn’t Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I’m-full-of-shit.
Which one of us has the PhD?
Is it April 1 already? Alan Funt is that you?
“REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM REDEEM”
Indeed.
Chazza Gasparino would’ve loved to get this scoop, hiding in the bathroom with his recorder, sweating profusely with excitement.
Cameras in the shitter = just another day at the office at DoubleLine
In Soviet Russia the toilet flushes you
i double-hedge my kouwes with two protective stops just in case the blowoff gets messy due to increased liquidity in my boiler room
I have finally finalized my summer reading list with help from one of the greatest minds of our generation……..
http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A2GA9TUS926QDJ/ref=cm_cr_dp_auth_rev?ie=UTF8&sort_by=MostRecentReview
I would have guessed he’s thinking one square or two.
What the deuce?!
Now we all know what goes through his mind as chocolate hot dogs go through his billion-dollar balloon knot. Fascinatingly pedestrian.
Everyone: I’ll be at Minetta’s tonight. Look for the guy in a girl scouts uniform sliding a dildo in and out of a fleshlight while humming Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours.” Feel free to stop by, say hello and massacre my giblets.
-Kennis D’Neale
Gross!
@16 minetta jokes were outlawed yesterday. this is your warning. walk away.
This story stinks. Stinks like sex.
Managing so much money that you can write about your own dumps is the new killin’ it.
@18 How about Minetta’s jokes within a Soviet Russia one?
glad to see cnbc going into the tank,too.
Bawney Fwank wishes he was that guy’s toilet. I’m serious.
Was this co-authored with Gary Busey? Because I enjoyed it.
–Guy who enjoys dropping the Fresh Air Kids off at Porcelain Pond.
- Not a camera Bill, a sensor, it is a sensor. The same technology that saves you from touching anything when washing your hand or drying it.
Fear of sophisticated indoor plumbing is a trait common too great financial minds, just look at condition Nails left his house in following his minor liquidity hiccup. Plus I’ve heard Timothy Sykes frequently pees his bed and his mom has to clean up the mess.
@21; like “at Minnetta’s, you disgust the toilet”?
Bess @18; why? Advertising kickback in jeopardy?
Who….does….number…two…wooorrk…for?
@26 b/c they stopped being funny after the 500th iteration, you can do better and this is not a democracy.
@18 In Soviet Russia, Minetta’s jokes about you!
-The In Soviet Russia Guy who is a huge fan of the Meet me at Minetta’s Guy and doesn’t understand why the Minetta’s jokes have been outlawed and wonders how/why I have not been outlawed yet?
@28, cheerocracy?
Tags capture my reaction quite clearly, sounds like Gross went way off the reservation
Bess, is it wrong that I picture you as a sultry dominatrix with a riding crop who rules her Besstocracy with iron fist?
“after the paperwork has been filed”
I lol-ed.
@ 17…bravo!
Now we know how he got his last name…
Always, always talking his book. NTTAWWT.
Why the hell are Minetta’s jokes outlawed but not soviet Russia ones?
@37 ugh, those. they’re gone too.
inception.
@28, so it is no different than CNBC? CNBC keeps its eyes and ears shut for negative news so they secure access to important people, and you…to a pub. Other explanation is that you try to increase our sofistimistification on humor so we are better adjusted citizens of society.
@37, seriously, enough.
Now, have we determined this letter is for real? I mean, it looks like it, but how can he be so tone deaf as to think people want to picture him laying cable? I guess with a few bill in the bank, it doesn’t matter.
@38, in Bessocracy, stale jokes respectfully ban Bess?
He looks so fecal in that picture.
Bess, I totally dig your Bessocracy….respectfully.
Cameras? Is that how it works? Does it use the same little people that are in the TV to actually flush? Are there only little men in the men’s room cameras and women for the women’s cameras? I don’t want the wrong gender to see me!
Gross originally wrote the Outlook about Glory Holes, but the PR department convinced him to change it to toilets.
-PIMCO Insider
Gross, Bill.
In Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia jokes outlaw Bess!
- Guy who just can’t let go
And now back to the spreads on 10-year Treasuries …
@46, nice!
Can someone link to this riff raff over Minetta’s.
- Harry Dunn
Read his whole Outlook – he does make a connection later on that makes sense of his initial vodeville.
Wasn’t he killed in Alien v Predator?
@30 “Hey Farva, what’s the name of that place you like? You know, the one where they hold the 9th round of Goldman interviews and everyone gets punched in the face?”
He is referencing the “Kouwe Cam 2000″ people! Was this written in 1998? That flush thingy is not new… where has this guy been? well… you know what I mean…
Q: What do you get when Bill Gross forgets to flush?
A: A LIBOR floater.
Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses.
Imagine his reaction upon encountering a computerized Japanese “Washlet” toilet.
Anybody have a link to that classic long-winded Bill Gross rant about junk bonds “dressed up [with ratings] to look the girl next door” when in reality are more like dirty hookers? His exact words escape me, but that was the gist. It was good stuff.
@45, I think he looks kind of dumpy in that picture
- guy who knows dumpy
public toilets? Seriously?