Which one is a mama’s boy? Which one has a huge package? Author Ivana Takitall has apparently slept with loads of guys at every financial institution (I’m kidding? Though I don’t think she could say definitively unless her sample size was big enough so maybe I kid not) and reported back to Here in the City. She claims that SocGen employees are the best lay, Credit Suisse guys are pretty boring, and that the men of Goldman Sachs will make it rain ka-ching on your face. Also:
Jefferies & Co: The firm might be a relatively small one, but these guys aren’t small in any way. Generally tall and imposing, they are casual yet sophisticated. Many have huge packages (they do well at bonus time too). Intelligent and high-minded, the only downside is that they can be a little intimidating for a girl on the make.
Where To Find Your Perfect Partner [Here is the City via BI]
Why are you slutting up the board with this tripe….just saying….
“reported back” is redundant.
– combat etimologist, class 3
Me thinks Bess got new bf. A little bit distracted as of late. First the IR chicks, now this…
Ivana Takitall
how subtly aptronymic
@1 b/c it’s a summer friday, there’s nothing going on, and I don’t see you making anything happen?…just sayin…
@3 I’m distracted? By which you mean I’m doing 10-12 posts/day on a wide variety of topics including but not limited to strip clubs, financial reform, hedge fund returns, layoffs, redemptions, bank employee dick size and carried interest tax? yeah, that’s what I thought.
tax chick and bess – cat fight anyone?
“I see that your schwartz is as big as mine!”
That time of the quarter,Bessie?
I’ll never look at Art Hogan in the same way again.
Whats a dick tax?
I was buying condoms the other night and the pharmacist said “That’ll be $9.50 with tax…” And I said, “Hey!!! Don’t they stay on by themselves?”
~SEC Analyst
@7 nope, just not interested in the ignorant bitching of others, particularly those who think they’re being deep by using ellipses.
@4: thank you for teaching me a new word
Ellipse was a good movie, Bessar.
Team Bess
I apologize Bess, just being an asshole. @7
This week in gross over generalizations…
@4 – outstanding attention to detail. props
Originally editied from the HITC article:
“Macquarie:
Weasel-like rascals with too many computers at home . Might have a Miranda Kerr life size photo face with the mouth cut out and ask you to hold it up and stick your tongue through it while they wank….”
They seem genuinely surprised to find that whipped cream can go on food, too.”
I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a Jefferies baller.
-Ski Low
….penis….
@19 deep
Ivana,
Call Me,
Seymor Titswiggle
Bess! Thank you for posting this! I loved it! Now I am off to hunt for one of Jamie’s finest. If they can’t give me love they better give me a new job!
@42, you are most definitely in need of a joke beefer. As far as what a Jeffries analyst is, he is a man whose mental and physical abilities defy explanation and belief. Generally these masters of the milky whey come from elite undergraduate institutions such as Colgate. A Jeffries analyst is able to preform feats of financial derring do that would literally blow your head off if you attempted them. He can corral massive amounts of information and then drive that herd of raw data through an analytical process that produces an extremely rare finished product. Furthermore, A Jeffries analyst won’t merely send out an email or memo containing said product, he will literally jump up and down on your back to make sure you get the message. For instance their a Jeffries Analyst was in fact the first to prognosticate that a certain swiss bank might in fact have a similar skill set to Ashley Dupre (minus the real estate acumen).
A Jeffries analyst is a master of multi tasking and able to work while at the same time enjoying some of the freshest ingredients this side of Manhattan after leaving the office. While his colleagues at lesser firms vacation at 300K condos in Boca Raton a Jeffries Analyst vacations in Mustique with the premier hedge fund managers of the last decade. While some lesser financial professionals might enjoy spending their time skiing in Aspen (and doding trained attack birds sent in response to some misconceptions about ownership of some property there); the Jeffries analyst spends his spare time studying quantum physics and battling advanced artificial intelligence systems in games of thermonuclear war. The Jeffries analyst is like a finely tuned machine that never sleeps, never makes mistakes and never disseminates incomplete marketing materials. The Jeffries analyst does not merely have a vanity plate to reflect his various certifications, he has a Gulfstream 550 tail number proclaiming them. The Jeffries analyst may in fact be the highest form of life known to man (other than paul the octopus, who the Jeffries analyst frequently plays high stakes chess games against).
*All of the above is only true in Soviet Russia.
Oh God, it’s the summer of love all over again.
Too many joke references in one comment, 23.
UBS Sucks in bed
@23 A worthy attempt.
Some women are the fucking rake. Got nothing more to offer other than a place for some rich banker guy to stick his dick? You deserve what you get … or maybe you do it because of the lucrative divorce settlement after a couple years on your back?
paid slores, all.
@23 Yeah, but they’re all hung like tic-tacs, and I ought to know.
-P. Kenny
@Toxic Chic. When given a free option, you take it… Who’s the fucktard in this transaction.
mmmmm…Jefferies
can’t wait to see what @42 has to say!
Ivana Takitall in the face.
Where’s Raymond James on this list???
david rockecharlie is the man!
Bess, any mention of ameriprise in there? I hear those guys kill in their chevy aveos and Joey Banks suits…
-Ameriprise Junior VP
Clearly just an advertisement for their dating site. Probably written by a dude.
@33 – Me too, although I hope it’s more clever than ‘what is a Jefferies Analyst?’.
-Guy who’s helping the comments get closer to #42.
@33 Yeah I hope someone doesn’t screw it up because there’s a delay in posting!
Pieces like this really makes DB a low class 3rd rate site. Used to be fantastic. Now….notsomuch. Its not gossip, news, or even human interest at this point.
If its a slow news day, then just post less! A-douy!
-Guy who notices DB is going downhill
“the men of Goldman Sachs will make it rain ka-ching on your face.”
No wonder they won’t hire me. I was doing it all wrong. I made other stuff rain on their faces. Silly, silly me.
@24 – I was @42. Awesome!
@41 then why don’t you stop reading and faithfully commenting every other day? also, not gossip? I did 3 (now confirmed) rumors of prop trading layoffs and hedge fund redemptions in the last two days alone, reported nowhere else, gave you the greenlight capital quarterly letter an hour after it came out (which no other news outlet had) and so on and so forth. there’s your gossip and news (in addition to all the other, you know, news items but I suspect you’re a little bitch who would come back and ask for non-aggregated stories and wanted to save you the trouble). no human interest pieces? yeah. I never do any of those. never.**
-girl who think you don’t know the definition of a “human interest piece” (or what gossip or news is for that matter) (and who also thinks you’re a miserable little prick who, though you claim to have noticed dealbreaker “going downhill” apparently read it enough to keep up on the commenting memes)
**I wouldn’t normally spell it out like this but I suspect you’re quite thick so here you go, guy: ALMOST ALL THE STORIES I DO ARE “HUMAN INTEREST” STORIES, you ignorant twit.
PS. “Pieces like this really makes DB a low class 3rd rate site.” Hmm. Well 1) Why don’t you screw your fucking head on straight before commenting AS THOUGH YOU KNOW SHIT, realize that this was a fluffy little one off piece that I devoted a couple of lines to and didn’t not actually take seriously (maybe you can detect that in the dripping sarcasm? or not?) and 2) actually take stock of the stuff I’ve done just in the last few months. LIke, oh I dont know, the Ray Dalio/Bridgewater story that proceeded to get written about ad nauseum basically everywhere but to just name a few: the WSJ, the NYT, Reuters, the FT, Barrons, Telegraph, the Sunday Times, Bloomberg and so on and so forth. Some low class 3rd rate site we got here.
Don’t bother responding, just slink back to your teller’s window.
@41 just got ‘owned’ by a girl
Citi bankers really know how to screw a gal.
@44, Bess: Okay, a simple “wrong” would’ve done just fine.
-Not @41
Bess, stop being so lazy.
/I am Zach Kouwe’s Throbbing Work Ethic
bess,
if you like, i can give you a soc gen to help ease some of that tension
HEY – WTF!
-The Sensitive Teller
she’s a HO
ho
ho
ho
ho
Hey guys, guess who I am….
I read every DB article and comment and complain that DB is going downhill and I think my empty complaint will improve the unparalleled insight that no other blog has. And my penis is small. Okay, time to watch Golden Girls.
A ho by any other name. I am guessing a girl could go earn for herself but the soaps and the bon-bons are calling
shit that was retarded.
Everyone knows we have the biggest cocks and most money.
Regards,
Apple Bank for Savings, 72nd street Branch
@39 Long! Thnx for the assist! we made it=although i must say @44 was much much more interesting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Muj26g3eugU&feature=related
yes Bess, it’s true.
@50, well done
@41 – your village is desperately missing you.
as usu, Bess FTMFW
Given that most people will probably work for 4/5 of these institutions over their career (loyalty not being a strongpoint), it seems unlikely there is going to be a lot of difference.
Unless of course moving to Jeffries changes one to be miraculously taller, more handsome and better in bed. They must have a hell of an introductory package, presumably including platform shoes, plastic surgery and a ready supply of ‘practice girls’. Screw it:
Dear Jeffries HR:
I’m a size 11, could do some work around the eyes and I like cute blondes with southern accents like whichever Arquette it was in True Romance. Oh, and I once did a deal – hope I’m not over qualified. Look forward to receiving your offer.
Best,
Dead_Cat
jefferies hires lots of blacks and state school kids. that explains the good lay. They’re big apes with 0 brains
@61 Not cool
Obviously 63 was meant for 62 not 61.
- Guy who may not be smart enough for Jeffries (sp?) after all.