Listen up, people. It’s never to early to start talking year-end bonuses and in order to ensure you’ll be making it rain, today we’re going to talk about this: strategy. Pick a number, any number. Visualize that number. What is it? A unit? A buncha units? You want it? You can have it, so long as you arm yourselves with the tools to go get it. This is an organic conversation in which you should feel free to toss ideas of your own but to get things started I’m going to offer a bunch of tips I’ve picked up in conversations with seasoned vets. Such as:
1. You must–must!– have a wing-negotiator. I don’t care if it’s a first year analyst, an intern, or the receptionist, you need someone who’ll be there to a) back you up but most importantly announce your entrance. You will wait outside the conference room and he/she will go in and let everyone know, “Alright, you suits, prepare yourselves for [your first name]-motherfucking [your last name].”
2. Consider walking in in a manner that conveys to them you have more important shit going on than your bonus negotiations (fielding other offers, reaming out your pimp for hooking you up with a piece of less than Grade A quality meat, etc), like entering in the middle of a phone conversation and giving them the “1 minute” sign.
3. Confidence. You’ve got to have it and you’ve got to show it. Opening lines such as “Listen up you motherfuckers, let me just cut right to the chase. This not my first rodeo. I have signed a hundred other bonus agreements that have been way bigger than this shit, okay? So nobody is going to be fucking bamboozling anyone with this lingo-jingo-fucking mingo” are a good idea.
4. Demands. In addition to the cash and stock portion of your bonus, which you will get, have a list of things your employer needs to do for you on top of that. This shows them a) you’re not messing around b) that you know your worth. A big ass office. Bukakke porn. A motorcycle with a “Fuck You” license plate. Etc. Also, in these times, it’s good to go with stuff they can’t really clawback– a tattoo of a naked Russian chick on your inner arm. Fluffers. You get the drill.
5. Wrapping it up. You entered with intimidation, you leave with it, and on top of that, you grab the boss’s pen or whiteboard marker and you walk out with that too. You are not someone to be trifled with.
If you’re having trouble thinking about how to put all these tips together as a cohesive unit, please do review the following training video that incorporates them all.
write up > video
Bess,
thank you.
B2BMD
Bess Levin(‘s _____): National Treasure!
The way he so forcefully grabs that white board marker makes my bathing suit area tingle.
-Ping
I have found that the most successful negotiation tool is an action photo and corresponding weekly schedule for your boss’ spouse and children. They may act terrified when you show it to them, but I think deep down, they are impressed with your initiative and “can do” attitude.
I wruv talking rear end.
slightly off topic, but…Bess, is Dealbreaker sponsoring a seat for the poker tourney?? Some market-leading firms (and their market-leading analysts) haven’t gotten their bonuses yet, ya know.
C’mon! It’s for charity! Caption contest prize? Guess the close? (see, I worked the bonus in there, so only ‘slightly’ off topic)
it is this type of content that makes Dealbreaker the best damn site out there!
Bravo, Bess…BRAVO!!!!
well done @5, very well done
All you you need is KP’s trademark: I’m fucking in, you’re fucking out.
“lingo-jingo-fucking mingo”
Inspired.
Needs “Bukakke porn” and “lingo-jingo-fucking mingo” added to to tags
You should also employ the subtle slap to the face power move in order to belittle those in the room. This consists of shaking their hands while simultaneously giving them a couple of soft yet firm pats on the cheeks. Think of a mafia Don greeting his soldiers. Guaranteed to make them shit their pants.
Slouch down and lean back in your chair, with feet on desk. Then, constantly stare in a smoldering manner at the hottest POA (effectiveness based on level of said POA – secretary: 1 point. Erin Callan: 10 pts) in the room, regardless of whose question you are currently fielding. Must undress with eyes in an obvious manner to be effective. Wave off unnecessary questions (e.g. Qualifications for said bonus) or turn every one into a sexual innuendo.
When finished, get up and walk out, maintaining eye contact with POA and flashing the “call me” sign.
13/14 FTW
These have got to be the same poster. Methinks EB&D scriptwriter
(slow clap)
Bessar, your in box is a national treasure!
can see how that video will help….
(progressively faster slow clap)
Ideally you should also clock someone in the face with a deskphone at some point in the meeting. And then, if that doesn’t have the desired immediate impact, jump on their prone form and finish the job in a torrent of sickening blows, invective and lumpy blood.
Note you should not attempt this on your boss / decision-maker. Rather it is a handy manoeuver to pull if there happens to be someone else conveniently within reach. Top BSDs often invite their HR generalists to comp meetings precisely for this reason.
@14 here, thx for the props 15, am confirming that 13 was in fact a different poster. Alternative career piggybacking on BL’s inspired prose awaits when done with finance.
hahahahah awesome work Bess
AWESOME
YES!!!!!