These days, if you work on Wall Street and want to let people know that underneath that button down shirt and black pants beats the heart of an absolute freak, you’ve got to step up your game. If you’re going to get your name out there, it’s not enough to simply sexually assault a female colleague– you’ve got to manhandle her breasts with your feet. It’s not enough to sodomize an underling, you’ve also got to piss in his mouth. And if you’re going to “release an offensive material in a public space”– in this case, the material your semen– that space must be your co-worker’s water bottle. Twice. Michael Kevin Lallana knows what we’re talking about.

The first incident took place in January. The Northwestern Mutual Investment Services somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on his target’s desk, she drank it, got sick and threw it out. A couple months later, MKL released more “material” in the same woman’s beverage. Again, she took a swig and again she felt sick. This time, however, rather than just throw it out, the lady sent the bottle to a lab for testing. “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” she probably asked the technician. Crazy she was not.

In June, the private lab warned the woman that the bottle contained semen. She reported the incidents to the Orange Police Department and investigators later obtained Lallana’s DNA, which matched that found in the water bottle. Lallana, who has worked for Northwest Mutual for seven years and describes himself on company websites as a married father of a young daughter and a graduate of USC’s Marshall Business School, was arrested outside his Fullerton home. “It shocks the conscience,” said Orange County Deputy Dist. Atty. Bobby Taghavi. Taghavi said investigators were able to key in on Lallana because he worked at both locations where the incidents occurred. During the investigation Lallana eventually volunteered to provide a sample of his DNA for testing, he said. Taghavi said Lallana and the woman were colleagues, but Lallana had not expressed animosity toward the woman or done anything publicly to suggest he was the perpetrator.

A Northwestern Mutual spokeswoman says that MKL was dismissed upon the allegations coming to light but with 6 recommendations and 344 connections on LinkedIn, he shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a new gig.

Meet the Finance Exec Who Allegedly Put Semen in His Co-Worker’s Water Bottle [Gawker]
Orange County man allegedly put semen in female co-worker’s water bottle [Updated]
Michael Kevin Lallana [LinkedIn]

139 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
Show all comments ↓

Comments (139)

  1. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 9:57 AM

    Hey….He might fit in at Tullet Prebon.

  2. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 9:58 AM

    I know this is tough, but somehow MBA [still] > CFA

  3. Posted by Jackie Childs | August 18, 2010 at 10:00 AM

    Obviously a frame job – call me, Michael!

  4. Posted by Hal E. Tosis | August 18, 2010 at 10:01 AM

    I admire his spunk!

    – Guy who gets a kick out of double entendres but doesn’t really know how to define one.

  5. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:05 AM

    This is so Goldman 3 years ago.

  6. Posted by Markus | August 18, 2010 at 10:06 AM

    In the face! In! The! Face!

  7. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:07 AM

    This story leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

  8. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:07 AM

    In Soviet Russia, penis beat you!

  9. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:10 AM

    Northwestern Mutual – where the only dollar signs you’re looking at are on your fucking VLOOKUP’s. “It shocks the conscience” really sums it up.

  10. Posted by Heather Brooke | August 18, 2010 at 10:10 AM

    But why did she get sick? I thought people drank that stuff all the time?

  11. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:11 AM

    I bet the guy wears size 34 D shoes.

    -Guy Who Believes in the Inverse “shoe size to pecker size” ratio.

  12. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:13 AM

    Where’s opening bell, you dumb bitch?

  13. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:14 AM

    So Kumar jizzed her juice….If it had been for a raise she would’ve asked for seconds. And you know it. Prebon knows what I’m talking about.

  14. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:15 AM

    @12: STFU or go back to dialing for dollars at Tullet Prebon.

  15. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:17 AM

    @7 – I think you’re supposed to eat pineapple to cure Sour Semen Syndrome. SSS. Look that shit up.

  16. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:19 AM

    whos drinking the clients’ semen?

  17. Posted by Mark David Chapman (no relation to Rex the baller) | August 18, 2010 at 10:27 AM

    Just Jizz in the co-worker’s water bottle? Wheeeewwwwww… I saw the guy has three names and thought it was a serial killer post.

  18. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:31 AM

    Apparently MKL saw the picture for ‘Breast Size And Hitchhiking’ and had to relieve himself.

  19. Posted by Johnny | August 18, 2010 at 10:32 AM

    I think there’s an opening at Ping Capital

  20. Posted by FinkNottle | August 18, 2010 at 10:33 AM

    @10, Call me.

  21. Posted by Apocalypse Futures | August 18, 2010 at 10:35 AM

    Not great press for a company that likes to refer to itself as “The Quiet Company”.

    - Former Northwestern Mutual intern

  22. Posted by langco | August 18, 2010 at 10:35 AM

    buffett a runner up for the dumpster award!his brka finished #17 on the top 25 companys to lay off workers.he came in at 17,000 not bad.he loves to to talk about donating his fortune maybe he can leave some to uneployment!

  23. Posted by And the machine that goes, PING! | August 18, 2010 at 10:37 AM

    @19, damn you beat me to it. But redundancy be damned, I’m sharing anyway.

    MKL clearly studied at the Ping Jiang School of Business.

  24. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:38 AM

    Michael’s contributions to Northwestern Mutual were seminal. It’ll be hard to see him goo…go.

  25. Posted by Bitchtern | August 18, 2010 at 10:38 AM

    @10, brilliant. @12, go away and die.

  26. Posted by DJ LIBOR | August 18, 2010 at 10:48 AM

    he got to the part where bruce willis was dead at the end of sixth sense and accidentally had her water bottle down his pants

  27. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:53 AM

    @23 – please teach me to be as funny as you.

  28. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:56 AM

    Oh, the only reason she’s pissed is because she normally drinks it from the source.

    - MK “Mortal Kombat” Lallana

  29. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 10:56 AM

    Cody Willard requests this kind of thing.

  30. Posted by strstress | August 18, 2010 at 10:57 AM

    She knew unmistakably what semen tasted like. Good for her.

  31. Posted by NakedShort | August 18, 2010 at 11:00 AM

    I can fit my erect penis inside the head of an Aquafina bottle.

    -D. Kneale

  32. Posted by Barney F. | August 18, 2010 at 11:06 AM

    Amen @30. Amen, brother.

  33. Posted by bklyn | August 18, 2010 at 11:11 AM

    something sounds Tricky here…u sure this guy doesn’t work at Tullett Prebon instead?

  34. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 11:15 AM

    Ummmmmmmm, how did they know who’s DNA it was?

    -AIG Quant

  35. Posted by Anal_yst | August 18, 2010 at 11:21 AM

    What’s this girl look like? How old? Is she T’s on an S? Obviously has experience with the material in question, so inquiring minds want to know, was it personal or professional (or somewhere in between)?

  36. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 11:22 AM

    this must be a proud day for the Marshall School of Business. finally one of its grads has done something noteworthy.

  37. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 11:24 AM

    Mike, that won’t work.

    Mr. Caruthers
    Whitney HS Biology Dept.

  38. Posted by Investorcluzo | August 18, 2010 at 11:24 AM

    she must be a “spitzer” fan…

    -guy who likes to keep the double entendres going

  39. Posted by Gundlach | August 18, 2010 at 11:48 AM

    Should’ve stuck with the fleshlight, Michael. Naughty, naughty.

  40. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 11:52 AM

    If only he had used the Trojan connection….Eh? *nudges trader next to me* eh? eh?

  41. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 11:55 AM

    Buttsex vs. cum in bottle. Debate.

  42. Posted by Dan | August 18, 2010 at 11:58 AM

    Semen has expiration, must be drank within 5 minute. That is why she got sick.

  43. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 11:58 AM

    Seed capital……mmmmmm seed capital.

  44. Posted by Intrigued in Illinois | August 18, 2010 at 12:11 PM

    What? Is that true @42?

  45. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 12:20 PM

    @44 No, I know bitches that freeze it and drink it with coffee. I know others that use it as a face mask.

  46. Posted by And the machine that goes, PING! | August 18, 2010 at 12:20 PM

    @27, such terrible humor cannot be learned. It has to come from inside. Or swallowed, if you work at Northwestern.

  47. Posted by Dan | August 18, 2010 at 12:23 PM

    Check your your girlfriends. is the 5 min rule.

  48. Posted by S. Grey | August 18, 2010 at 12:24 PM

    @44….yes

  49. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 12:26 PM

    @44 Why? Do you have some saved in your refrigerator?

  50. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 12:34 PM

    @44 Its only true for Asian semen.

  51. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 12:52 PM

    This story is tasteless.

  52. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 1:04 PM

    I always wonder what happens to people like this. Do they become hobos / live off of welfare for the rest of their lives? There is literally no company in America that would hire this guy now. Or is that naive?

  53. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 1:04 PM
  54. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 1:08 PM

    He was making Egg Drop Soup……

  55. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 1:08 PM

    @51 that’s what your mother said last night Trebek.

    -Sean

  56. Posted by Louis Winthorpe III | August 18, 2010 at 1:10 PM

    So, what did we learn here? That she’s a spitter. But she also knew what diluted semen tasted like, and that should be commended. Perhaps she prefers facials. Perfectly acceptable.

    @48- Entourage fan that xnxx-searched sasha 2 weeks ago.

  57. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 1:37 PM

    Come on, quit it with the jizz jokes!

  58. Posted by S. Grey | August 18, 2010 at 2:03 PM

    I’m not proud to say it, but i knew about her before Entourage.

  59. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 2:20 PM

    @53 What a surprise! Can’t believe Ms. Allred is not also representing the shoe on the chest girl!

  60. Posted by bklyn | August 18, 2010 at 2:34 PM

    @59 I’m sure she will be soon!

  61. Posted by guest | August 18, 2010 at 3:33 PM

    WTF is wrong with men?

    – A guy who likes to get down and dirty but finds this totally sick

  62. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 3:38 PM

    @55 I don’t believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

  63. Posted by Tour de France | August 18, 2010 at 4:34 PM

    How can she not tell there is a little bonus in the water? The smell is a dead give away.

  64. Posted by REPEFunner | August 18, 2010 at 5:08 PM

    ……the new killing it.

    YEAH!! 63 Comments ahead of me

  65. Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2010 at 7:15 PM

    64

  66. Posted by oy1 | August 18, 2010 at 9:00 PM

    anither pitch for bottled water. or maybe just tighter lids.

  67. Posted by roger s | August 18, 2010 at 10:28 PM

    I’m guessing that the two were having a thing on the side. It went bad. She saved some of his jizz after a blowjob, spit it into the water bottle. Voila. He’s fux0red.

  68. Posted by Anonymous | August 19, 2010 at 3:28 AM

    @67 Bingo!
    Hell hath no fury… I hope the truth comes out and the co-worker that did this to him gets exposed. This screams setup!

  69. Posted by Anunymouse | August 19, 2010 at 7:48 AM

    No NQNS gigs for her afterward; Vivid won’t be calling.

  70. Posted by Anonymous | August 19, 2010 at 11:40 AM

    This is just a total misunderstanding between the two. He must have misinterpreted when she said “thank you for coming” after the first incident.

  71. Posted by Anonymous | August 19, 2010 at 2:40 PM

    @67 Agree. Commenter on TMZ speculated that she saved a used condom.

  72. Posted by Jammin | August 20, 2010 at 11:37 AM

    So…doing a female’s water bottle is a bad thing, right? Just want to get this right…

  73. Posted by Jammin | August 20, 2010 at 11:38 AM

    So…doing a female co-worker’s water bottle is a bad thing, right? Just want to get this right…

  74. Posted by L-Tea | August 23, 2010 at 2:07 PM

    So a blonde walks out of the dry cleaners and the counter person says “Come Again” and she turns and says “No, mustard this time”!

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