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Financial Services Rep Not Aware Putting His DNA In Co-Worker’s Water Was Something His Office Frowned Upon

These days, if you work on Wall Street and want to let people know that underneath that button down shirt and black pants beats the heart of an absolute freak, you’ve got to step up your game. If you’re going to get your name out there, it’s not enough to simply sexually assault a female colleague– you’ve got to manhandle her breasts with your feet. It’s not enough to sodomize an underling, you’ve also got to piss in his mouth. And if you’re going to “release an offensive material in a public space”– in this case, the material your semen– that space must be your co-worker’s water bottle. Twice. Michael Kevin Lallana knows what we’re talking about.

The first incident took place in January. The Northwestern Mutual Investment Services somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on his target’s desk, she drank it, got sick and threw it out. A couple months later, MKL released more “material” in the same woman’s beverage. Again, she took a swig and again she felt sick. This time, however, rather than just throw it out, the lady sent the bottle to a lab for testing. “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” she probably asked the technician. Crazy she was not.

In June, the private lab warned the woman that the bottle contained semen. She reported the incidents to the Orange Police Department and investigators later obtained Lallana’s DNA, which matched that found in the water bottle. Lallana, who has worked for Northwest Mutual for seven years and describes himself on company websites as a married father of a young daughter and a graduate of USC’s Marshall Business School, was arrested outside his Fullerton home. “It shocks the conscience,” said Orange County Deputy Dist. Atty. Bobby Taghavi. Taghavi said investigators were able to key in on Lallana because he worked at both locations where the incidents occurred. During the investigation Lallana eventually volunteered to provide a sample of his DNA for testing, he said. Taghavi said Lallana and the woman were colleagues, but Lallana had not expressed animosity toward the woman or done anything publicly to suggest he was the perpetrator.

A Northwestern Mutual spokeswoman says that MKL was dismissed upon the allegations coming to light but with 6 recommendations and 344 connections on LinkedIn, he shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a new gig.

Meet the Finance Exec Who Allegedly Put Semen in His Co-Worker’s Water Bottle [Gawker]
Orange County man allegedly put semen in female co-worker’s water bottle [Updated]
Michael Kevin Lallana [LinkedIn]

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139 Responses to “Financial Services Rep Not Aware Putting His DNA In Co-Worker’s Water Was Something His Office Frowned Upon”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hey….He might fit in at Tullet Prebon.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I know this is tough, but somehow MBA [still] > CFA

  3. Jackie Childs says:

    Obviously a frame job – call me, Michael!

  4. Hal E. Tosis says:

    I admire his spunk!

    – Guy who gets a kick out of double entendres but doesn’t really know how to define one.

  5. Anonymous says:

    This is so Goldman 3 years ago.

  6. Markus says:

    In the face! In! The! Face!

  7. Anonymous says:

    This story leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

  8. Anonymous says:

    In Soviet Russia, penis beat you!

  9. Anonymous says:

    Northwestern Mutual – where the only dollar signs you’re looking at are on your fucking VLOOKUP’s. “It shocks the conscience” really sums it up.

  10. Heather Brooke says:

    But why did she get sick? I thought people drank that stuff all the time?

  11. Anonymous says:

    I bet the guy wears size 34 D shoes.

    -Guy Who Believes in the Inverse “shoe size to pecker size” ratio.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Where’s opening bell, you dumb bitch?

  13. Anonymous says:

    So Kumar jizzed her juice….If it had been for a raise she would’ve asked for seconds. And you know it. Prebon knows what I’m talking about.

  14. Anonymous says:

    @12: STFU or go back to dialing for dollars at Tullet Prebon.

  15. Anonymous says:

    @7 – I think you’re supposed to eat pineapple to cure Sour Semen Syndrome. SSS. Look that shit up.

  16. Anonymous says:

    whos drinking the clients’ semen?

  17. Mark David Chapman (no relation to Rex the baller) says:

    Just Jizz in the co-worker’s water bottle? Wheeeewwwwww… I saw the guy has three names and thought it was a serial killer post.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Apparently MKL saw the picture for ‘Breast Size And Hitchhiking’ and had to relieve himself.

  19. Johnny says:

    I think there’s an opening at Ping Capital

  20. FinkNottle says:

    @10, Call me.

  21. Apocalypse Futures says:

    Not great press for a company that likes to refer to itself as “The Quiet Company”.

    – Former Northwestern Mutual intern

  22. langco says:

    buffett a runner up for the dumpster award!his brka finished #17 on the top 25 companys to lay off workers.he came in at 17,000 not bad.he loves to to talk about donating his fortune maybe he can leave some to uneployment!

  23. And the machine that goes, PING! says:

    @19, damn you beat me to it. But redundancy be damned, I’m sharing anyway.

    MKL clearly studied at the Ping Jiang School of Business.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Michael’s contributions to Northwestern Mutual were seminal. It’ll be hard to see him goo…go.

  25. Bitchtern says:

    @10, brilliant. @12, go away and die.

  26. DJ LIBOR says:

    he got to the part where bruce willis was dead at the end of sixth sense and accidentally had her water bottle down his pants

  27. Anonymous says:

    @23 – please teach me to be as funny as you.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Oh, the only reason she’s pissed is because she normally drinks it from the source.

    – MK “Mortal Kombat” Lallana

  29. Anonymous says:

    Cody Willard requests this kind of thing.

  30. strstress says:

    She knew unmistakably what semen tasted like. Good for her.

  31. NakedShort says:

    I can fit my erect penis inside the head of an Aquafina bottle.

    -D. Kneale

  32. Barney F. says:

    Amen @30. Amen, brother.

  33. bklyn says:

    something sounds Tricky here…u sure this guy doesn’t work at Tullett Prebon instead?

  34. Anonymous says:

    Ummmmmmmm, how did they know who’s DNA it was?

    -AIG Quant

  35. Anal_yst says:

    What’s this girl look like? How old? Is she T’s on an S? Obviously has experience with the material in question, so inquiring minds want to know, was it personal or professional (or somewhere in between)?

  36. Anonymous says:

    this must be a proud day for the Marshall School of Business. finally one of its grads has done something noteworthy.

  37. Anonymous says:

    Mike, that won’t work.

    Mr. Caruthers
    Whitney HS Biology Dept.

  38. she must be a “spitzer” fan…

    -guy who likes to keep the double entendres going

  39. Gundlach says:

    Should’ve stuck with the fleshlight, Michael. Naughty, naughty.

  40. Anonymous says:

    If only he had used the Trojan connection….Eh? *nudges trader next to me* eh? eh?

  41. Anonymous says:

    Buttsex vs. cum in bottle. Debate.

  42. Dan says:

    Semen has expiration, must be drank within 5 minute. That is why she got sick.

  43. Anonymous says:

    Seed capital……mmmmmm seed capital.

  44. Anonymous says:

    @44 No, I know bitches that freeze it and drink it with coffee. I know others that use it as a face mask.

  45. And the machine that goes, PING! says:

    @27, such terrible humor cannot be learned. It has to come from inside. Or swallowed, if you work at Northwestern.

  46. Dan says:

    Check your your girlfriends. is the 5 min rule.

  47. S. Grey says:


  48. Anonymous says:

    @44 Why? Do you have some saved in your refrigerator?

  49. Anonymous says:

    @44 Its only true for Asian semen.

  50. Anonymous says:

    This story is tasteless.

  51. Anonymous says:

    I always wonder what happens to people like this. Do they become hobos / live off of welfare for the rest of their lives? There is literally no company in America that would hire this guy now. Or is that naive?

  52. Anonymous says:

    He was making Egg Drop Soup……

  53. Anonymous says:

    @51 that’s what your mother said last night Trebek.


  54. Louis Winthorpe III says:

    So, what did we learn here? That she’s a spitter. But she also knew what diluted semen tasted like, and that should be commended. Perhaps she prefers facials. Perfectly acceptable.

    @48- Entourage fan that xnxx-searched sasha 2 weeks ago.

  55. Anonymous says:

    Come on, quit it with the jizz jokes!

  56. S. Grey says:

    I’m not proud to say it, but i knew about her before Entourage.

  57. Anonymous says:

    @53 What a surprise! Can’t believe Ms. Allred is not also representing the shoe on the chest girl!

  58. bklyn says:

    @59 I’m sure she will be soon!

  59. guest says:

    WTF is wrong with men?

    — A guy who likes to get down and dirty but finds this totally sick

  60. Anonymous says:

    @55 I don’t believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

  61. Tour de France says:

    How can she not tell there is a little bonus in the water? The smell is a dead give away.

  62. REPEFunner says:

    ……the new killing it.

    YEAH!! 63 Comments ahead of me

  63. Anonymous says:


  64. oy1 says:

    anither pitch for bottled water. or maybe just tighter lids.

  65. roger s says:

    I’m guessing that the two were having a thing on the side. It went bad. She saved some of his jizz after a blowjob, spit it into the water bottle. Voila. He’s fux0red.

  66. Anonymous says:

    @67 Bingo!
    Hell hath no fury… I hope the truth comes out and the co-worker that did this to him gets exposed. This screams setup!

  67. Anunymouse says:

    No NQNS gigs for her afterward; Vivid won’t be calling.

  68. Anonymous says:

    This is just a total misunderstanding between the two. He must have misinterpreted when she said “thank you for coming” after the first incident.

  69. Anonymous says:

    @67 Agree. Commenter on TMZ speculated that she saved a used condom.

  70. Jammin says:

    So…doing a female’s water bottle is a bad thing, right? Just want to get this right…

  71. Jammin says:

    So…doing a female co-worker’s water bottle is a bad thing, right? Just want to get this right…

  72. L-Tea says:

    So a blonde walks out of the dry cleaners and the counter person says “Come Again” and she turns and says “No, mustard this time”!

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