These days, if you work on Wall Street and want to let people know that underneath that button down shirt and black pants beats the heart of an absolute freak, you’ve got to step up your game. If you’re going to get your name out there, it’s not enough to simply sexually assault a female colleague– you’ve got to manhandle her breasts with your feet. It’s not enough to sodomize an underling, you’ve also got to piss in his mouth. And if you’re going to “release an offensive material in a public space”– in this case, the material your semen– that space must be your co-worker’s water bottle. Twice. Michael Kevin Lallana knows what we’re talking about.
The first incident took place in January. The Northwestern Mutual Investment Services somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on his target’s desk, she drank it, got sick and threw it out. A couple months later, MKL released more “material” in the same woman’s beverage. Again, she took a swig and again she felt sick. This time, however, rather than just throw it out, the lady sent the bottle to a lab for testing. “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” she probably asked the technician. Crazy she was not.
In June, the private lab warned the woman that the bottle contained semen. She reported the incidents to the Orange Police Department and investigators later obtained Lallana’s DNA, which matched that found in the water bottle. Lallana, who has worked for Northwest Mutual for seven years and describes himself on company websites as a married father of a young daughter and a graduate of USC’s Marshall Business School, was arrested outside his Fullerton home. “It shocks the conscience,” said Orange County Deputy Dist. Atty. Bobby Taghavi. Taghavi said investigators were able to key in on Lallana because he worked at both locations where the incidents occurred. During the investigation Lallana eventually volunteered to provide a sample of his DNA for testing, he said. Taghavi said Lallana and the woman were colleagues, but Lallana had not expressed animosity toward the woman or done anything publicly to suggest he was the perpetrator.
A Northwestern Mutual spokeswoman says that MKL was dismissed upon the allegations coming to light but with 6 recommendations and 344 connections on LinkedIn, he shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a new gig.
Meet the Finance Exec Who Allegedly Put Semen in His Co-Worker’s Water Bottle [Gawker]
Orange County man allegedly put semen in female co-worker’s water bottle [Updated]
Michael Kevin Lallana [LinkedIn]
Hey….He might fit in at Tullet Prebon.
I know this is tough, but somehow MBA [still] > CFA
Obviously a frame job – call me, Michael!
I admire his spunk!
– Guy who gets a kick out of double entendres but doesn’t really know how to define one.
This is so Goldman 3 years ago.
In the face! In! The! Face!
This story leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
In Soviet Russia, penis beat you!
Northwestern Mutual – where the only dollar signs you’re looking at are on your fucking VLOOKUP’s. “It shocks the conscience” really sums it up.
But why did she get sick? I thought people drank that stuff all the time?
I bet the guy wears size 34 D shoes.
-Guy Who Believes in the Inverse “shoe size to pecker size” ratio.
Where’s opening bell, you dumb bitch?
So Kumar jizzed her juice….If it had been for a raise she would’ve asked for seconds. And you know it. Prebon knows what I’m talking about.
@12: STFU or go back to dialing for dollars at Tullet Prebon.
@7 – I think you’re supposed to eat pineapple to cure Sour Semen Syndrome. SSS. Look that shit up.
whos drinking the clients’ semen?
Just Jizz in the co-worker’s water bottle? Wheeeewwwwww… I saw the guy has three names and thought it was a serial killer post.
Apparently MKL saw the picture for ‘Breast Size And Hitchhiking’ and had to relieve himself.
I think there’s an opening at Ping Capital
@10, Call me.
Not great press for a company that likes to refer to itself as “The Quiet Company”.
- Former Northwestern Mutual intern
buffett a runner up for the dumpster award!his brka finished #17 on the top 25 companys to lay off workers.he came in at 17,000 not bad.he loves to to talk about donating his fortune maybe he can leave some to uneployment!
@19, damn you beat me to it. But redundancy be damned, I’m sharing anyway.
MKL clearly studied at the Ping Jiang School of Business.
Michael’s contributions to Northwestern Mutual were seminal. It’ll be hard to see him goo…go.
@10, brilliant. @12, go away and die.
he got to the part where bruce willis was dead at the end of sixth sense and accidentally had her water bottle down his pants
@23 – please teach me to be as funny as you.
Oh, the only reason she’s pissed is because she normally drinks it from the source.
- MK “Mortal Kombat” Lallana
Cody Willard requests this kind of thing.
She knew unmistakably what semen tasted like. Good for her.
I can fit my erect penis inside the head of an Aquafina bottle.
-D. Kneale
Amen @30. Amen, brother.
something sounds Tricky here…u sure this guy doesn’t work at Tullett Prebon instead?
Ummmmmmmm, how did they know who’s DNA it was?
-AIG Quant
What’s this girl look like? How old? Is she T’s on an S? Obviously has experience with the material in question, so inquiring minds want to know, was it personal or professional (or somewhere in between)?
this must be a proud day for the Marshall School of Business. finally one of its grads has done something noteworthy.
Mike, that won’t work.
Mr. Caruthers
Whitney HS Biology Dept.
she must be a “spitzer” fan…
-guy who likes to keep the double entendres going
Should’ve stuck with the fleshlight, Michael. Naughty, naughty.
If only he had used the Trojan connection….Eh? *nudges trader next to me* eh? eh?
Buttsex vs. cum in bottle. Debate.
Semen has expiration, must be drank within 5 minute. That is why she got sick.
Seed capital……mmmmmm seed capital.
What? Is that true @42?
@44 No, I know bitches that freeze it and drink it with coffee. I know others that use it as a face mask.
@27, such terrible humor cannot be learned. It has to come from inside. Or swallowed, if you work at Northwestern.
Check your your girlfriends. is the 5 min rule.
@44….yes
@44 Why? Do you have some saved in your refrigerator?
@44 Its only true for Asian semen.
This story is tasteless.
I always wonder what happens to people like this. Do they become hobos / live off of welfare for the rest of their lives? There is literally no company in America that would hire this guy now. Or is that naive?
http://www.tmz.com/2010/08/18/gloria-allred-alleged-jerkoff-water-bottle-orange-county/
He was making Egg Drop Soup……
@51 that’s what your mother said last night Trebek.
-Sean
So, what did we learn here? That she’s a spitter. But she also knew what diluted semen tasted like, and that should be commended. Perhaps she prefers facials. Perfectly acceptable.
@48- Entourage fan that xnxx-searched sasha 2 weeks ago.
Come on, quit it with the jizz jokes!
I’m not proud to say it, but i knew about her before Entourage.
@53 What a surprise! Can’t believe Ms. Allred is not also representing the shoe on the chest girl!
@59 I’m sure she will be soon!
WTF is wrong with men?
– A guy who likes to get down and dirty but finds this totally sick
@55 I don’t believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
How can she not tell there is a little bonus in the water? The smell is a dead give away.
……the new killing it.
YEAH!! 63 Comments ahead of me
64
anither pitch for bottled water. or maybe just tighter lids.
I’m guessing that the two were having a thing on the side. It went bad. She saved some of his jizz after a blowjob, spit it into the water bottle. Voila. He’s fux0red.
@67 Bingo!
Hell hath no fury… I hope the truth comes out and the co-worker that did this to him gets exposed. This screams setup!
No NQNS gigs for her afterward; Vivid won’t be calling.
This is just a total misunderstanding between the two. He must have misinterpreted when she said “thank you for coming” after the first incident.
@67 Agree. Commenter on TMZ speculated that she saved a used condom.
So…doing a female’s water bottle is a bad thing, right? Just want to get this right…
So…doing a female co-worker’s water bottle is a bad thing, right? Just want to get this right…
So a blonde walks out of the dry cleaners and the counter person says “Come Again” and she turns and says “No, mustard this time”!