In this tough job market, from time to to time, as we stumble upon them, we like to offer up Do’s and Don’ts for those seeking new gigs. Little pearls of accumulated wisdom picked up in the field. The case study of Jeffrey Chiang, for example, would be a Don’t for those of you looking to improve your situation, professionally speaking. Today we have a Do, courtesy of a pioneering young fellow seeking an opportunity at a private equity firm. And it’s simply this: include head/action shots with your cover letter. Though it’s yet to catch on in fields other than the erotic service industry, including head/action shots can really give you a leg up on the competition. This guy include a head shot and and two (2) action shots of him scaling the Himalays and sailing a boat, which demonstrated a) panache b) that he has interests c) he’s perfected the The Bieber and d) a jaw line that could cut glass. He graduated from college at the age of 20, interned at Merrill Lynch and is currently studying for the Level 1 CFA but who cares about that? It’s the photos that got him in the door. And, as we’ve been informed by the firm at which he’s seeking employment, the pics were apparently impressive enough to allow the potential job-granter to overlook that fact that he “included a link to his ‘work product,’ which seems to be a jacked Wall Street Prep LBO model solution he posted as his completed model,” and he’s been granted an interview. Something for you all to think about.
To Whom It May Concern:
My character can be summed up by a personal adage: “The only limitations are rules of science. All others we put on ourselves.” I am willing and eager to do whatever it takes to work at [redacted PE firm] so that I may gain the experience I desire. I graduated with a B.S. in Finance from San Diego State at twenty whilst simultaneously doing an internship at Merrill Lynch. I am currently finishing my Master of Finance with courses from Harvard as well as studying for my level 1 CFA.
Relevant Skills and Experience
o Experienced with Excel validation models, EDGAR, Regression Analysis, Pivot Tables, and Look Up Tables.
o Proficient in creating and presenting Power Point presentations.
o Experience as project manager of business consulting team.
o Strong analytical problem solver.
Hobbies
o Sailing, Mountaineering, SurfingAt a young age, I developed a passion for the interworking of finance, more specifically valuation and financial risk hedging products. While working as an intern at Merrill Lynch I was continually gaining increased responsibilities as brokers in the organization took notice of my abilities. The internship deepened my understanding of financial markets, but more importantly, reinforced my focus to work in the financial field.
I would look forward to an opportunity to work for [redacted] because for me private equity encompasses the most interesting dynamics of the entire finance sphere both in a quantitatively and qualitatively sense. In addition, I want to be part of a dedicated team that strives for perfection on each and every transaction. I desire a career that will continually challenge me and force intellectual growth. If given the chance you have my personal guarantee that my work ethic, enthusiasm and integrity will add value.
Is it Shia Labeouf?
Wow, I’m getting douche chills reading this post.
This feels a lot like Prestige Worldwide
“both in a quantitatively and qualitatively sense.” What a winner.
“quantitatively and qualitatively sense”
“interworking of finance”
Go back to school for another year and learn to write English. And p.s., they’re all the same look.
Studying for a job that will “force intellectual growth” in the “finance sphere”, “whilst” sharpening a childhood passion for the “interworkings” of finance is the NKI.
Your personal gurantee isn’t worth dog d!ck. Other than that, I have not concerns.
Update after interview.
Other than that, I have no concerns.
I continue to be amazed why young Wall Street hopefuls think working for a FA/broker qualifies them to be a trader/ibanker/etc…
Where did he get those sweet black sunglasses?
@8, does this mean I can’t work for SAC?
- ScottTrade Intern-Broker
@9 You don’t find them a tad femme?
I heard he got an interview in Charlotte.
That is a terribly written cover letter. Harvard night school?
Finance has reached a new low…
He’s a Cornell grad
“Whilst?” “Whilst?” WTF says “whilst?”
“I continue to be amazed why young Wall Street hopefuls think working for a FA/broker qualifies them to be a trader/ibanker/etc…”
Bingo. Then again, most trader/ibanker/ect are idiots just like everyone else.
[Redacted]: I’m sick of people telling me that I need a man.
Felipe: You don’t need a man, [Redacted]. You need a champion.
After some exhaustive research, I have determined that this guy is a sailor.
Matt Taibbi; Other than that, intelligence is none of my concern.
That jaw line is lame….Jennifer aniston’s blows that away
@13 andrew dunham and he were on the dean’s list at harvard extension
All the sails on that boat in the picture are furled, and he’s standing on the bow with his hands in his pockets (or taking a leak– tough to tell from the angle.) Not too impressive if his hobby is really sailing and that’s the best he can do by way of an action shot.
He also apparently has Lego hair.
second the deuche chills – and stach in the first pic will haunt my worst erotic dreams.
@8 – we can’t all be shredded financial geniuses in wizard-sleves, my friend
“At a young age, I developed a passion for the interworking of finance, more specifically valuation and financial risk hedging products.” –
What is wrong with today’s kids? When I was young I developed a passion for girls, weed and alcohol.
San Diego State to Harvard B-school. Not to shabby.
@25- No. Not B-School. “I am currently finishing my Masters in Finance WITH COURSES FROM Harvard.” So, he started his Masters somewhere else– and will eventually have a degree from somewhere else toward which his 2 or 4 or whatever credits from Harvard will count.
There might be an opening at Ping Capital
@26 Maybe. Summer courses at Harvard? Curious as to why he didn’t mention this other school. University of Phoenix?
zoolander reference? YES.
Bess,
Could you broker a deal with Geoffrey Raymond to paint me wearing my bead tail, whilst being petted on a bed of bonobos?
I’d greatly appreciate any help you can offer.
Yours,
LA
San Diego State to Harvard B-school. I find this jump to be a stretch unless he was a total screwup in high school and daddy pulled strings
@ 24 – you are awesome
My pet Schnauzer graduated with a B.S. in Finance from San Diego State at nineteen whilst simultaneously winning the Westminster Dog Show
@24, FTW. Perhaps we was delving into all 3 when he wrote this cover letter. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
In Russia jobs apply for douches…or somesuch, whilst and or the Iraq
Tullet Prebon might be interested if he can show the ability to dominate females.
He’s spammed this to everybody. I just got his email & I’m with a venture firm in Timbuctoo.
Is the Redacted Fund still hiring? I’m also quite proficient with Power Point.
~unemployed former AIG Quant
I ain’t never heard of a firm called [redacted], sounds ghetto to me
- #1 stunna
My man here is hardcore. He doesn’t just do pivot tables, he does pivot tables and lookup tables.
@40 – don’t forget he’s proficient in the use of EDGAR. What’s next, he’s going to tell us how awesome he is at using Wikipedia?
The good sir creates pivot tables which utilize lookup tables whilst preparing a nifty powerpoint about the qualitatively and quantitatively interpretation of some regression results.
stop picking on my boo. you’re all just jealous.
@8…he is so smart that he is smarter than the smartest person you know.
@31…Wasnt San Diego St. the school that had the major drug bust a year or two ago. I remember seeing something like 75 students getting taken down in that bust. Going from that school to Harvard seems somewhat of a stretch but I guess there are more implausible black swans out there.
Oh btw, please quit pushing your wealth management internships at Merrill Lynch like they are something special. Making models while cold calling doesn’t make you an ibanker
Title put me in mind of my favorite limerick, which is way more interesting than this Eastern European douche’s ESL cover letter.
There once was a girl from Mobile
Whose equipment was made of blue steel.
She got her thrills
From pneumatic drills
And off-centered emery wheels.
In Soviet Russia, no one would hire this guy
@44, your comment on ML is great. As a former ML wealth management intern, I have to agree. Nothing about that internship is applicable to ibanking.
@40 “You lost some shit in your speadsheet? I can find it and tell you how it relates to the other shit you can’t find, they call me the fucking magician.”
@44 while I don’t disagree…private banking internships do nothing to prepare for ibanking, but then again neither does an actual internship in ibanking…getting coffee, eating the vending machine, and a search find the keys to the Equity Repo Vault don’t necessarily teach sound financial skills as well…i’m just saying.
Where are the Jaime Lee Curtis references?
“I desire a career that will continually challenge me and force intellectual growth.” – yup, he’s a lazy POS.
“Experience as project manager of business consulting team.” – former drug dealer at San Diego State.
@24 – Don’t forget the llello (yeyo).
- The MCS
@24. Awesome comment braahh
@24 Fornicate with femails, acquire currency.
@52 – *females, hangovers apparently effect my spelling
-52
You had me until “whilst”….
boats and ho´s
So what skills should an aspiring Ibanker have? What schools? Do grades really matter in the study of support and resistance, ratios, mavg crosses and even fundamental analysis?
Ibanking is not rocket science, never has been, never will be.
Besides showing how easily programmable and subservient you are, what do grades from american colleges even mean anymore?
If Ibank people are such geniuses, why do alot of meathead Chicago traders beat them in performance year after year?
I think what he is trying to say is that Impossible is Nothing.
– Alex
@52 Fornicate with femails, acquire currency. Other than that, I have no concerns.
-Guy at a young age developing a passion
“The only limitations are rules of science. All others we put on ourselves.” Bullsh!t.
Not all limitations follow rules … the random course of meteors in other space for example. That meteor could randomlly strike him in his blue steel face, without following any rule of science (except gravitiy perhaps! but only once it had entered our atmosphere and even then it would be hurtling so fast at his face the gravitational pull would be miliscul – although his face is quite big so maybe it too has is no gravitational pull, make note to factor that into my calculations) and then where would he be? Being limited upon by non rule following science that’s where, a limit he would not have put upon himself
I bet he is in a long monagamous relationship with someone ugly. He has that look to him
“I am currently finishing my Master of Finance with courses from Harvard…”
Really? Master of Finance, eh? with courses from Harvard? what does that even mean?
“…as well as studying for my level 1 CFA.”
Oh yeah? Apparently you haven’t started yet… there is a rule against using CFA as a noun. i think the rule is in the first chapter of the first book of level 1 material.
-Mer-man!
“interworking of finance “… wtf ?????
He should roll to his interview like this:
bonobos pants
money green #1 stunna t-shirt
acura w/ bull/bear bj hood ornament
“closet bitch” on the radio
Master of Bullshit
this douchebag manages to get into hbs…
Shit, I go to a third tier school in new jersey, and I have more talent in my left pinky than this dick. are you kidding me
Look at this shit.
Relevant Skills and Experience
o Experienced with Excel validation models — Good for you, my grandma just picked that shit up too.
, EDGAR, Regression Analysis, wow, you paid attention to intro to finance… or was it statistics, oh, its ok, you were drunk for the other one anyway.
, Pivot Tables, holy fuck, you can use pivot tables, god only knows, maybe youll move on to macros next…. lets see
, and Look Up Tables.
Are you fucking kidding me you sad sack of shit, congrats, you have just made me blow, thats just amazing, how do you expect to get into pe… oh thats right, you went to hbs. Those talentless dicks. Do your self a favor and before you leave go check out david malan (one of your professors) for a technology lesson. he has a site http://www.cs50.net/ for those of you too lazy.
For those of you in P.E. do yourself a favor and hire a kid from a third tier school that can actually preform, we are hungry, talented and will stay past the rest of these dicks who are too big of pussies to work 95 hours a week.
/rant.
“I would look forward to an opportunity to work for [redacted] because for me private equity encompasses the most interesting dynamics of the entire finance sphere both in a quantitatively and qualitatively sense.”
Obviously the “entire finance sphere” doesn’t include proper comma usage. No attention to detail at all. Kids these days trying to get into PE…
oh, this is fun, another change in interface! me like!