So, the London police recently decided they’ve had it with brothels and have started to crack down on the pay-to-lay establishments. Perhaps you heard about their last raid– codename “Operation Monaco”– through the grapevine or because it was your colleague laying there with a ball gag in his mouth while a terrifying woman with a thick Eastern European accent shouted “Administer the testicle clamps!”? Sound familiar? It might if you’re tight with the “35-year-old from Citibank in Canary Wharf” who had been “availing the services of two Polish hookers” when the cops walked in.

The search led to the uncovering of a range of sex toys: nipple clamps, handcuffs and patent leather stiletto boots as well as a wardrobe full of rubber uniforms – including nurse outfits. The banker begged cops to protect his family from his shame. He said: “There isn’t going to be any correspondence from you going to my home is there? I don’t want my wife and children to find out.”

Naturally the question at this time is, what was he most embarrassed about? Like, if the authorities agreed to leave out some details, which would he most strenuously argue to keep on the DL and prefer not to have Vikram Pandit discuss at the annual shareholder meeting? Was it the rubber? The heels? The fact that they were Polish? Having people who he’d told otherwise find out he worked for Citi? Let’s get into this.

72 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (72)

  1. Posted by Tax Chick | August 2, 2010 at 11:01 AM

    Pure mastery!

  2. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:02 AM

    Haha – you know, when reading the article, I was having flashes of the movie Eurotrip….then I looked at your pic Bess. Nice.

  3. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:05 AM

    God, I love hookers. I love hookers and donkeys.

    Dennis Kneale CFA

  4. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:09 AM

    Just found out Lucy Lawless played Madame Vandersexxx. And now you know.

  5. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:13 AM

    Ball-achingly indulgent.

  6. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:21 AM

    @4, and knowing is half the battle?

  7. Posted by Invisible Hands | August 2, 2010 at 11:23 AM

    At least someone at citi is getting laid.

  8. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:24 AM

    Did you say fluggegecheimen?

  9. Posted by Professor Pile On | August 2, 2010 at 11:26 AM

    This is no big deal, stuff like this happens at __________ all the time.

  10. Posted by CoveredLong | August 2, 2010 at 11:29 AM

    Oh, here it is. London. Hmmm. Capital of England. Oh here’s a fun fact – you got caught with TWO HOOKERS last night.

  11. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:29 AM

    Why are you giving me terrible head in the conference room? Because I am Jewish, and its tradition.

  12. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:31 AM

    Now we use money to buy screen door for submarine.

    -Polish hookers

  13. Posted by Captain Freebie | August 2, 2010 at 11:31 AM

    So, the guy was questioned and released without charges being filed, does that mean he did not have to pay?

    – Guy who fancies himself a man of the world but has never paid for it and is wondering if you pay up front or after services rendered.

  14. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:37 AM

    I’d be most embarrassed about working for Citi.

  15. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:37 AM

    ….mmmm deep French kissing…

  16. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:39 AM

    @13 Up front
    -guy who is sick of guys who claim never to have paid for it without understanding the concept of opportunity cost.

  17. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:41 AM

    I saw a gay porno once. I didn’t know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!

  18. Posted by Meistro | August 2, 2010 at 11:42 AM

    Wouldn’t the most embarrassing thing be that he works at Citi?

  19. Posted by Meistro | August 2, 2010 at 11:43 AM

    Damn…I’m a repeat…sorry @14

  20. Posted by the_jackal | August 2, 2010 at 11:45 AM

    i’d be embarrassed that i got cut with only 2 girls. if you’re risking your marriage and career, then you have to make your returns risk adjusted. i’m talking about a full on orgy.

  21. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:46 AM

    @20 see 14 & 18

  22. Posted by the dude | August 2, 2010 at 11:50 AM

    c’mon. this is illegal? No, seriously. is it?

  23. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:52 AM

    nipple clamps are the new killing it

  24. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:52 AM

    Bess & M

  25. Posted by ChicagoChick | August 2, 2010 at 11:54 AM

    O gawd its Aug. o gawd its already Aug. ommg its aug

  26. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 11:59 AM

    Then, the old men at the back of London town megalith C headquaters inside-outed his umbrella, punched out his hat, and defrocked his lapel-flower. All our poor fellow could utter in response “Supercalifragilisticexpiallidocious”!

  27. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 12:00 PM

    If they ever offer the service of Dining at the Y, do not do it. Just don’t.

    Charlie Gasparino’s upper lip herpes.

  28. Posted by Meistro | August 2, 2010 at 12:01 PM

    “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to plead ignorance on this thing, because if I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon…”

  29. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 12:01 PM

    The best part about that scene was that you could hear the motor get bogged down when Madame Vandersexxx inserted the chainsaw dildo thing.

  30. Posted by Invisible Hands | August 2, 2010 at 12:03 PM

    Two hookers? That’s a lot of blow. Do you think he had to share? Being from citi and all that means there’s a lot less to go around, especially with a family and all.

  31. Posted by nigel goldensack | August 2, 2010 at 12:04 PM

    thought it was ok in uk as long as there is no pimp involved?

  32. Posted by Tax Chick | August 2, 2010 at 12:11 PM

    @29 – Eurotrip suddenly went from being a bad summer movie to a horror movie – chainsaw dildo?!!!

  33. Posted by guest | August 2, 2010 at 12:12 PM

    The rubber suits say “I’m flexible” but the nipple clamps say “I prefer brokerage.”

  34. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    @16 Even worse when a married bloke says it. The fact that you don’t get the services anymore doesn’t mean you didn’t pay for them.

  35. Posted by ChicagoChick | August 2, 2010 at 12:21 PM

    am with 14

  36. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 12:31 PM

    The Goldman guys videotape themselves whenever they’re with hookers and that way they can run the tape backwards and watch the hookers pay them!

  37. Posted by gentleman trader | August 2, 2010 at 12:33 PM

    i’ve been busy

    -Mistress Meridith

  38. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | August 2, 2010 at 12:35 PM

    Helena and Svetlana Sperminski –

    Just reading about the testi-clamps got my prosecutorial juices flowing! Since I can’t be governor anymore, I have some time on my hands. Call me if you read this. Be discreet.

    – Steamroller Nine

  39. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 12:35 PM

    “The City of London Police’s elite Money Laundering Investigation Unit is concentrating on smashing criminal networks behind London’s sex industry in which 30,000 hookers ply their trade in the City and Westminster districts alone.”

    When they wrote “smashing the criminal networks” behind London’s sex industry, were they talking about the banking community? Confusing syntax.

  40. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 12:57 PM

    remarkable eastbound tag

  41. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 1:03 PM

    A London based Citi banker was weaving his way home one foggy night after a round of pints at his favorite pub. As he passed a wooded park, he saw a female in the dark shadows and she whispered to him, “How about a quick one for £15 ?”

    The Citi banker said, “Why not?!”, and soon in the foggy darkness of the wooded area they started a vigorous rogering together that led to louder and louder grunts and groans that soon attracted a constable’s electric torch light. He shined the light on them and said, “‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, wot have we got goin’ on here?”

    The Citibanker said indignantly, “I’m making love with my wife!”

    The constable apologized and said, “Sorry old boy, I didn’t know…..”

    The Citibanker replied, “Neither did I until you shined the light on her face!”

  42. Posted by ChicagoChick | August 2, 2010 at 1:11 PM

    Newll Rubbermaid selling $550 mln 10-yrs – just sayin

  43. Posted by Tax Chic | August 2, 2010 at 1:13 PM

    @36 In Soviet Russia, hookers pay you.

  44. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 1:20 PM

    This sounds like someone with more time than I have should make a joke about bondage, hookers and the GS interview process.

  45. Posted by John | August 2, 2010 at 2:05 PM

    You mean that she’s…

    A lady of the evening, working girl. She turns illusions for money.

  46. Posted by guest | August 2, 2010 at 2:06 PM

    @7 Vikram? That you?

    @41 Thought you had a shitty joke going there, but the end was a hoot. Way to pull victory out of the jaws of defeat!

  47. Posted by the_jackal | August 2, 2010 at 2:08 PM

    i don’t think this guy was paying for sex. i think he was just on the 14th round interview with Goldman Sachs.

    i only got to 13th round, and i’m pretty sure that this is what was cumming next.

  48. Posted by just askin | August 2, 2010 at 2:13 PM

    @17 – that may make you gay…not that it’s wrong. the real question is: what about the title “summer at boy’s camp” suggested to you that there would be girls coming?

  49. Posted by BSD | August 2, 2010 at 2:27 PM

    He didn’t want Vickles to know he was prepping his second round interview with Meredith Whitney Advisory Group.

  50. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 2:29 PM

    this isn’t where I parked my car…

  51. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 2:33 PM

    I’m at a tavern. Come find me.

  52. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 2:40 PM

    @51 Somewhere, in a far Eastern European country, a tavern comes to find you.

  53. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 2:53 PM

    pixelated pics of bankers:

    http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/894723/Sex-and-the-city-gents.html

    not sure if paying for sex is a crime in the uk but i thought solicitation was. most commenters on NOTW think they’ve not done anything against the law, except for the crying like a baby bit….

    here’s one p.o.v.:

    “The Punters have not broken any law and neither have the working girls. Prostitution in private between consenting adults is legal in the UK.

    The MET are guilty of wrongful arrest and false imprisonment, so when are the Officers involved going to be prosecuted for Misconduct in Public Office?

    The NotW has breached the right to privacy as per Article 8 of the Human Rights Act, so when are your Yellow Journalists going to be censured by their editor or the PCC. It looks like you didn’t learn anything from the Max Mosley case.

    By A Punter.. Posted August 2 2010 at 5:32 PM. “

  54. Posted by PermaGuest | August 2, 2010 at 2:56 PM

    @52 You mean like the bar car on the New Haven Line?

  55. Posted by Tax Chick | August 2, 2010 at 2:58 PM

    @7 – what are you talking about? Citi employees get screwed and f*cked over daily.

  56. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 2:59 PM

    You mean like the back of a Volkswagen?

  57. Posted by Lubejob | August 2, 2010 at 3:02 PM

    Citi bankers recruited at car window should be suspect- gives new meaning to term ‘headcount’.

  58. Posted by b | August 2, 2010 at 3:12 PM

    Max Mosely’s son ???

  59. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 3:27 PM

    Citi banker is touring his new country place with his groundskeeper. They come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. Groundskeeper says, “hold on!” jumps out of the truck, drops his pants, fucks the sheep, and comes back to the truck.

    Citi banker: Wow, that was great, can I try that?

    groundskepper: Sure, any time. it’s your place after all.

    Citi banker: So…..how do i get my head stuck in the fence?

  60. Posted by ChicagoChick | August 2, 2010 at 3:28 PM

    @43 i hear that is true

  61. Posted by guest | August 2, 2010 at 3:34 PM

    @59 repugnant!
    a gentleman would’ve at least kissed her first.

  62. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 4:06 PM

    I understand that the police also found a CUP along with the two girls….

  63. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 4:36 PM

    Polak’s are as useful as a mashed up pipe-crack.

    -Black man

  64. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 4:44 PM

    @36 wins

  65. Posted by There's always a critic | August 2, 2010 at 4:54 PM

    Needed a good laugh on first work day of August; thanks Bess.

  66. Posted by Anonymous | August 2, 2010 at 5:31 PM

    Love the Kenny Powers tag.

  67. Posted by Guest | August 2, 2010 at 5:37 PM

    @53 – obviously most commenters on the NOTW know even less than you do about English law.

    @31 – It’s not illegal to pay for sex. However, paying for the sexual services of a prostitute who is exploited through force, deception or threats is a crime (this is a relatively new offence). It is also an offence to cause or incite prostitution or control it for personal gain, and it’s illegal to run a brothel.

  68. Posted by just sayin | August 2, 2010 at 9:24 PM

    dude sounds boring

  69. Posted by TGFBV | August 2, 2010 at 10:32 PM

    @ 7 FTW
    @ 41 second place
    @ 59 third place

    @ 20 is on the mark. Risk/reward is quite crappy.

    Guy who’s not getting laid so I’m going back to money making and golf.

  70. Posted by derivative deviant | August 3, 2010 at 3:28 AM

    and where are the clients hookers?

  71. Posted by -Jack Meoff | August 3, 2010 at 9:18 AM

    nothing better than hookers, actually maybe bacon….. Hookers and bacon nothing better

  72. Posted by bookmarking submission | September 11, 2012 at 2:05 AM

    6pS0BO Thank you for your article.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.