Daily Intel Jessica and I saw a screening of Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps last week. We haven’t shared our thoughts on it until now because we haven’t wanted to/been ready to talk about it. I’m not going to say it’s so bad you shouldn’t see it, but that’s just because it’s so bad it needs to be seen to be believed and we want more people to be able to share in our collective trauma. Like being stripped naked, covered in honey and sewn ass to mouth to your fellow members of the incoming Goldman Sachs analyst class, you can’t truly understand unless you’ve gone through something like that yourself.
jessaballs: Anyway so: Wall Street 2
jessaballs: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
jessaballs: It’s been a week since we saw it. Have you recovered from your Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
ohbabyitsbess: I don’t think so
jessaballs: You hated it
ohbabyitsbess: In the first five minutes I thought, ‘Hey,’
ohbabyitsbess: ‘maybe this will be good.’
ohbabyitsbess: And then…
jessaballs: There was one point where I thought that you were going to jump up and punch a hole through the screen.
ohbabyitbess: I wanted to walk out
jessaballs: After having a week to ruminate, do you still hate it?
ohbabyitsbess: I think I do
ohbabyitsbess: time hasn’t made it better
ohbabyitsbess: it was like a bomb that just kept exploding
jessaballs: See, I sort of disagree. I was definitely bored but, at some point it became so ridiculous–I think during the approximately 45-minute, totally digressive and pointless scene where two of the main characters race motorcycles in the woods for no reason whatsoever–I started thinking, “this is so bad, it might be good.”
ohbabyitsbess: See for me it wasn’t one of those
ohbabyitsbess: And I LOVE the so bad it’s good genre
jessaballs: Like, it’s maybe it’s not as bad-good as Showgirls
jessaballs: But it could be bad-good as Glitter?
jessaballs: i dunno it might have been like my survival instinct kicking in.
ohbabyitsbess: The problem was it was sooo long
ohbabyitsbess: I don’t think I’ve ever checked my phone so many times during a movie.
ohbabyitsbess: I just wanted it to be over
ohbabyitsbess: I kept willing it to end
ohbabyitsbess: BUT IT NEVER ENDED
ohbabyitsbess: Some nights I wake up and I feel like I’m still watching it.
jessaballs: It was super long, which was hilarious since the main theme of the movie, the line they kept repeating, was that: “Time is our most important commodity.”
jessaballs: I mean, they basically handed that one to Rotten Tomatoes. “If you believe time is our most valuable commodity, THEN SKIP THIS ENDLESS MOVIE.”
jessaballs: It felt longer than the actual crisis
ohbabyitsbess: It was longer than Andrew Ross Sorkin’s Too Big To Fail.
jessaballs: It was longer than John Devaney on the subprime
jessaballs: Sorry. That was bad.
jessaballs: But what was fun at least for us was all of the kind of dumb inside Wall Street jokes. Like that that Dicky Guy from John Thomas Financial, Tom Belesis, had an actual role as a Dicky Finance Guy. A speaking part!
ohbabyitsbess: His eyebrows had a role.
jessaballs: You’re right, his eyebrows did most of the talking. And his pate.
jessaballs: You wrote a post about how how Shia LeBouf was a pawn in that guy’s scheme to pump InterOil Stock, which I actually think was somehow one of the many plot points in the movie.
ohbabyitsbess: “That is preposterous and it’s laughable to the extent where if I laugh too hard, I don’t want to give myself a heart attack,”
ohbabyitsbess: How was that line not used?
jessaballs: I mean, they only had 2 hours and 12 minutes.
ohbabyitsbess: I think that’s the thing
ohbabyitsbess: There were SO many different things going on
ohbabyitsbess: this nefarious “shorting”
ohbabyitsbess: swiss bank accounts
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is good
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is bad
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is good
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is bad
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is an aged hedge fund manager in drag
jessaballs: the relationship between big financial institutions and little homeowners
jessaballs: Remember that, how the Shia character’s mom, the realtor, had purchased like three McMansions she was trying to flip?
ohbabyitsbess: and the banks wanted to foreclose
ohbabyitsbess: and she was all
ohbabyitsbess: “Jakey just give me a little money so I can keep my McMansions on the market, things are gonna come back…”
jessaballs: That was amazing. She was like, going to sell her body on the streets to fund the reno of that kitchen.
jessaballs: I mean, there were a lot of really wonderfully bad melodramatic scenes like that.
jessaballs: We both enjoyed the scene when Not Bear Stearns was blowing up, and Jake says to Winnie, his girlfriend, daughter of Gekko, “The system might collapse.”
jessaballs: And she says, “Then what would happen?””
jessaballs: And he responds, “It would be all over. All of it.”
jessaballs: and she says, “That’s not acceptable…
ohbabyitsbess We’re having a baby!
jessaballs: I really thought Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,” was about to start up.
ohbabyitsbess: I also loved when Gordon Gekko showed up in front of his daughter’s apartment, somehow knowing where she’s been holing up.
jessaballs: oh yeah at exact time she and Jake are walking up to her stoop
jessaballs: Only Mr Big knows how to do that
jessaballs: Also wonderful in a bad way was when Jake
jessaballs: figured out he had been betrayed by Gekko
ohbabyitsbess: and there was that whole flashback sequence
ohbabyitsbess: of things that had happened like 10 minutes before
ohbabyitsbess: Winnie telling Jake, “he’ll hurt us,” which she’d said 3 maybe 4 scenes earlier
jessaballs: What struck me about it was that it was mostly flashbacks to closeups of Shia LaBeouf’s face, reacting to things that had happened
jessaballs: Who flashes back to their own face?
ohbabyitsbess: We should get into all of the characters who were real but not real. Like the head of Not Bear Stearns, Not Jimmy Cayne.
jessaballs: Yeah, Not Jimmy Cayne was more like Ace Greenberg than Jimmy Cayne.
jessaballs: He dressed like Ace.
jessaballs: in a bowler hat and bow tie
ohbabyitsbess: And he had a dog he loved
jessaballs: And he had not idea what was going on at his own bank.
ohbabyitsbess: But you felt bad for him anyway, especially when Not Jamie Dimon was like, “I will buy Not Bear Stearns for $3 a share, AND NOT A PENNY MORE.”
ohbabyitsbess: Not Jamie Dimon was kind of amazing
ohbabyitsbess: Not Jamie Dimon wears leather and rides bikes
jessaballs: And wears red velvet smoking jackets and hosts opera singers in his Upper East Side mansion.
ohbabyitsbess: and throws Goyas across the room when he’s angry
jessaballs: And after Jake starts spreading rumors that bring down Not JP Morgan’s stock in order to punish him for what he did to Not Bear Stearns, Not Jamie offers him a job at Not JP Morgan.
ohbabyitsbess: Because even though he lost him money, Not Jamie Dimon is the kind of guy who likes moxie
jessaballs: He wanted to hate fuck him, in a business sense
ohbabyitsbess: And then later Jake becomes a star at Not JP Morgan, because he is also the only one who knows about Chinese customs
ohbabyitsbess: And knows to give a gift for the Chinese guy when they come visit to potentially give them capital
jessaballs: That’s what its all about, really, these billion-dollar deals
jessaballs: Toblerones, and being polite
ohbabyitsbess: But in the end Not Jamie Dimon screws over Jake because he hates science
ohbabyitsbess: and Jake wanted to fund a fusion company, which was going to save the world, in addition to preventing the next bubble, or something
jessaballs: Because Not Jamie Dimon loves Big Oil.
ohbabyitsbess: which was like a fourth or fifth plot point
ohbabyitsbess: and then Not Jamie Dimon takes Jake out to woods and fires him
ohbabyitsbess: but Jake gets him back!
jessaballs: by revealing
ohbabyitsbess: dunh dunh dun
ohbabyitsbess: that Not Jamie Dimon is an insider trader!
ohbabyitsbess: via his girlfriend’s blog which printed a story saying Not Jamie Dimon had bet against Not Bear Stearns in his own account
jessaballs: oh RIGHT
jessaballs: and his personal account was supposed to be as big as a hedge fund
ohbabyitsbess: because the character was supposed to one part Not Jamie Dimon, one part Evil Hedge Fund Manager
jessaballs: See I think Oliver Stone got SO EXCITED
jessaballs: by this whole world
jessaballs: he was just jamming stuff in all over the place
jessaballs: Like there were so many little details, like, “Let’s put a Richard Prince Nurse Painting and a Warhol his office, because They all have those!”
ohbabyitsbess: And Jake the Wall Street prodigy, who had no idea Not Bear Stearns was in some trouble re subprime the day before it went under, had 16 monitors for his at-home Bloomberg set up
ohbabyitsbess: he’s 16-monitors-at-my-apt important
jessaballs: also there was that extended scene
jessaballs: where Gordon goes to London to set up a hedge fund
jessaballs: and spends like 20 minutes of our lives
jessaballs: getting suits fitted on Saville Row
jessaballs: which, I felt
jessaballs: was kind of a hat tip to Bernie Madoff
ohbabyitsbess: oh yeah.
jessaballs: And the cameos, there was Actual Maria
ohbabyitsbess: And Actual Warren Buffett and Actual Becky Quick and Actual Jim Chanos
ohbabyitsbess: His 10 seconds were the best part of the movie
jessaballs: JC was quite good, he delivered his one line with appropriate nonchalance
jessaballs: And it had a Not Nouriel Roubini, who was played by actual Nouriel Roubini. What was his name?
ohbabyitsbess: DOCTOR HASHIMI
ohbabyitsbess: Is that supposed to sound like sashimi?
ohbabyitsbess: a nod to his love of puss?
jessaballs: I’m surprised his Wall Vaginas didn’t make it in to be honest
ohbabyitsbess: There was Graydon Carter, who didn’t recognize Gordon Gekko at the restaurant
jessaballs: Which we later sort of come to realize is because Gekko didn’t have his signature hair
ohbabyitsbess: or his giant phone
jessaballs: Yeah he doesn’t really turn into “Gordon Gekko” until he goes to London, then he transforms, like a cartoon supervillian
ohbabyitsbess: his hair = his mojo
ohbabyitsbess: oh and THE SONOGRAM
jessaballs: yes, apparently Jacob thinks Gek is going to be moved by his unborn grandchild being carried by the daughter he screwed
ohbabyitsbess: figuratively, though I’m surprised that wasn’t a plot point
ohbabyitsbess: he is!
ohbabyitsbess: everyone loves a baby!
jessaballs: I’d like them to reedit that Saville Row scene to be a little more snappy.
jessaballs: Like it would have been better if it were a musical montage, set to “Don’t Get Me Wrong,” or something
ohbabyitsbess:this movie could’ve/should’ve been a musical. a gay chorus line.
ohbabyitsbess: actually in all seriousness it definitely could’ve benefited from a narrator
ohbabyitsbess: Gary Busey
jessaballs: I just laughed out loud
jessaballs: It’s true, that may have been the missing link
ohbabyitsbess: More Busey!