Daily Intel Jessica and I saw a screening of Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps last week. We haven’t shared our thoughts on it until now because we haven’t wanted to/been ready to talk about it. I’m not going to say it’s so bad you shouldn’t see it, but that’s just because it’s so bad it needs to be seen to be believed and we want more people to be able to share in our collective trauma. Like being stripped naked, covered in honey and sewn ass to mouth to your fellow members of the incoming Goldman Sachs analyst class, you can’t truly understand unless you’ve gone through something like that yourself.
jessaballs: Anyway so: Wall Street 2
jessaballs: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
jessaballs: It’s been a week since we saw it. Have you recovered from your Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
ohbabyitsbess: I don’t think so
jessaballs: You hated it
ohbabyitsbess: In the first five minutes I thought, ‘Hey,’
ohbabyitsbess: ‘maybe this will be good.’
ohbabyitsbess: And then…
jessaballs: There was one point where I thought that you were going to jump up and punch a hole through the screen.
ohbabyitbess: I wanted to walk out
jessaballs: After having a week to ruminate, do you still hate it?
ohbabyitsbess: I think I do
ohbabyitsbess: time hasn’t made it better
ohbabyitsbess: it was like a bomb that just kept exploding
jessaballs: See, I sort of disagree. I was definitely bored but, at some point it became so ridiculous–I think during the approximately 45-minute, totally digressive and pointless scene where two of the main characters race motorcycles in the woods for no reason whatsoever–I started thinking, “this is so bad, it might be good.”
ohbabyitsbess: See for me it wasn’t one of those
ohbabyitsbess: And I LOVE the so bad it’s good genre
jessaballs: Like, it’s maybe it’s not as bad-good as Showgirls
jessaballs: But it could be bad-good as Glitter?
jessaballs: i dunno it might have been like my survival instinct kicking in.
ohbabyitsbess: The problem was it was sooo long
ohbabyitsbess: I don’t think I’ve ever checked my phone so many times during a movie.
ohbabyitsbess: I just wanted it to be over
ohbabyitsbess: I kept willing it to end
ohbabyitsbess: BUT IT NEVER ENDED
ohbabyitsbess: Some nights I wake up and I feel like I’m still watching it.
jessaballs: It was super long, which was hilarious since the main theme of the movie, the line they kept repeating, was that: “Time is our most important commodity.”
jessaballs: I mean, they basically handed that one to Rotten Tomatoes. “If you believe time is our most valuable commodity, THEN SKIP THIS ENDLESS MOVIE.”
jessaballs: It felt longer than the actual crisis
ohbabyitsbess: It was longer than Andrew Ross Sorkin’s Too Big To Fail.
jessaballs: It was longer than John Devaney on the subprime
jessaballs: Sorry. That was bad.
jessaballs: But what was fun at least for us was all of the kind of dumb inside Wall Street jokes. Like that that Dicky Guy from John Thomas Financial, Tom Belesis, had an actual role as a Dicky Finance Guy. A speaking part!
ohbabyitsbess: His eyebrows had a role.
jessaballs: You’re right, his eyebrows did most of the talking. And his pate.
jessaballs: You wrote a post about how how Shia LeBouf was a pawn in that guy’s scheme to pump InterOil Stock, which I actually think was somehow one of the many plot points in the movie.
ohbabyitsbess: “That is preposterous and it’s laughable to the extent where if I laugh too hard, I don’t want to give myself a heart attack,”
ohbabyitsbess: How was that line not used?
jessaballs: I mean, they only had 2 hours and 12 minutes.
ohbabyitsbess: I think that’s the thing
ohbabyitsbess: There were SO many different things going on
ohbabyitsbess: this nefarious “shorting”
ohbabyitsbess: swiss bank accounts
ohbabyitsbess: subprime
ohbabyitsbess: rumors
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is good
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is bad
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is good
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is bad
ohbabyitsbess: Gordon Gekko is an aged hedge fund manager in drag
jessaballs: the relationship between big financial institutions and little homeowners
jessaballs: Remember that, how the Shia character’s mom, the realtor, had purchased like three McMansions she was trying to flip?
ohbabyitsbess: and the banks wanted to foreclose
ohbabyitsbess: and she was all
ohbabyitsbess: “Jakey just give me a little money so I can keep my McMansions on the market, things are gonna come back…”
jessaballs: That was amazing. She was like, going to sell her body on the streets to fund the reno of that kitchen.
jessaballs: I mean, there were a lot of really wonderfully bad melodramatic scenes like that.
jessaballs: We both enjoyed the scene when Not Bear Stearns was blowing up, and Jake says to Winnie, his girlfriend, daughter of Gekko, “The system might collapse.”
jessaballs: And she says, “Then what would happen?””
jessaballs: And he responds, “It would be all over. All of it.”
jessaballs: and she says, “That’s not acceptable…
ohbabyitsbess: because….
ohbabyitsbess We’re having a baby!
jessaballs: SPOILER
jessaballs: I really thought Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing,” was about to start up.
ohbabyitsbess: I also loved when Gordon Gekko showed up in front of his daughter’s apartment, somehow knowing where she’s been holing up.
jessaballs: oh yeah at exact time she and Jake are walking up to her stoop
jessaballs: Only Mr Big knows how to do that
jessaballs: Also wonderful in a bad way was when Jake
jessaballs: figured out he had been betrayed by Gekko
ohbabyitsbess: and there was that whole flashback sequence
ohbabyitsbess: of things that had happened like 10 minutes before
ohbabyitsbess: Winnie telling Jake, “he’ll hurt us,” which she’d said 3 maybe 4 scenes earlier
jessaballs: What struck me about it was that it was mostly flashbacks to closeups of Shia LaBeouf’s face, reacting to things that had happened
jessaballs: Who flashes back to their own face?
ohbabyitsbess: We should get into all of the characters who were real but not real. Like the head of Not Bear Stearns, Not Jimmy Cayne.
jessaballs: Yeah, Not Jimmy Cayne was more like Ace Greenberg than Jimmy Cayne.
jessaballs: He dressed like Ace.
jessaballs: in a bowler hat and bow tie
ohbabyitsbess: And he had a dog he loved
jessaballs: And he had not idea what was going on at his own bank.
ohbabyitsbess: But you felt bad for him anyway, especially when Not Jamie Dimon was like, “I will buy Not Bear Stearns for $3 a share, AND NOT A PENNY MORE.”
ohbabyitsbess: Not Jamie Dimon was kind of amazing
ohbabyitsbess: Not Jamie Dimon wears leather and rides bikes
jessaballs: And wears red velvet smoking jackets and hosts opera singers in his Upper East Side mansion.
ohbabyitsbess: and throws Goyas across the room when he’s angry
jessaballs: And after Jake starts spreading rumors that bring down Not JP Morgan’s stock in order to punish him for what he did to Not Bear Stearns, Not Jamie offers him a job at Not JP Morgan.
ohbabyitsbess: Because even though he lost him money, Not Jamie Dimon is the kind of guy who likes moxie
jessaballs: He wanted to hate fuck him, in a business sense
ohbabyitsbess: And then later Jake becomes a star at Not JP Morgan, because he is also the only one who knows about Chinese customs
ohbabyitsbess: And knows to give a gift for the Chinese guy when they come visit to potentially give them capital
jessaballs: That’s what its all about, really, these billion-dollar deals
jessaballs: Toblerones, and being polite
ohbabyitsbess: But in the end Not Jamie Dimon screws over Jake because he hates science
ohbabyitsbess: and Jake wanted to fund a fusion company, which was going to save the world, in addition to preventing the next bubble, or something
jessaballs: Because Not Jamie Dimon loves Big Oil.
ohbabyitsbess: which was like a fourth or fifth plot point
ohbabyitsbess: and then Not Jamie Dimon takes Jake out to woods and fires him
ohbabyitsbess: but Jake gets him back!
jessaballs: by revealing
ohbabyitsbess: dunh dunh dun
ohbabyitsbess: that Not Jamie Dimon is an insider trader!
ohbabyitsbess: via his girlfriend’s blog which printed a story saying Not Jamie Dimon had bet against Not Bear Stearns in his own account
jessaballs: oh RIGHT
jessaballs: and his personal account was supposed to be as big as a hedge fund
ohbabyitsbess: because the character was supposed to one part Not Jamie Dimon, one part Evil Hedge Fund Manager
jessaballs: See I think Oliver Stone got SO EXCITED
jessaballs: by this whole world
jessaballs: he was just jamming stuff in all over the place
jessaballs: Like there were so many little details, like, “Let’s put a Richard Prince Nurse Painting and a Warhol his office, because They all have those!”
ohbabyitsbess: And Jake the Wall Street prodigy, who had no idea Not Bear Stearns was in some trouble re subprime the day before it went under, had 16 monitors for his at-home Bloomberg set up
ohbabyitsbess: he’s 16-monitors-at-my-apt important
jessaballs: also there was that extended scene
jessaballs: where Gordon goes to London to set up a hedge fund
jessaballs: and spends like 20 minutes of our lives
jessaballs: getting suits fitted on Saville Row
jessaballs: which, I felt
jessaballs: was kind of a hat tip to Bernie Madoff
ohbabyitsbess: oh yeah.
jessaballs: And the cameos, there was Actual Maria
ohbabyitsbess: And Actual Warren Buffett and Actual Becky Quick and Actual Jim Chanos
ohbabyitsbess: His 10 seconds were the best part of the movie
jessaballs: JC was quite good, he delivered his one line with appropriate nonchalance
jessaballs: And it had a Not Nouriel Roubini, who was played by actual Nouriel Roubini. What was his name?
ohbabyitsbess: DOCTOR HASHIMI
ohbabyitsbess: Is that supposed to sound like sashimi?
ohbabyitsbess: a nod to his love of puss?
jessaballs: I’m surprised his Wall Vaginas didn’t make it in to be honest
ohbabyitsbess: There was Graydon Carter, who didn’t recognize Gordon Gekko at the restaurant
jessaballs: Which we later sort of come to realize is because Gekko didn’t have his signature hair
ohbabyitsbess: or his giant phone
jessaballs: Yeah he doesn’t really turn into “Gordon Gekko” until he goes to London, then he transforms, like a cartoon supervillian
ohbabyitsbess: his hair = his mojo
ohbabyitsbess: oh and THE SONOGRAM
jessaballs: yes, apparently Jacob thinks Gek is going to be moved by his unborn grandchild being carried by the daughter he screwed
ohbabyitsbess: figuratively, though I’m surprised that wasn’t a plot point
jessaballs: and
ohbabyitsbess: he is!
ohbabyitsbess: everyone loves a baby!
jessaballs: I’d like them to reedit that Saville Row scene to be a little more snappy.
jessaballs: Like it would have been better if it were a musical montage, set to “Don’t Get Me Wrong,” or something
ohbabyitsbess:this movie could’ve/should’ve been a musical. a gay chorus line.
ohbabyitsbess: actually in all seriousness it definitely could’ve benefited from a narrator
ohbabyitsbess: like
ohbabyitsbess: Gary Busey
jessaballs: hahahaha
jessaballs: I just laughed out loud
jessaballs: haha
jessaballs: It’s true, that may have been the missing link
ohbabyitsbess: More Busey!
was in longer than an anal tail?
Since when does there need to be a reason to race motorcycles in the woods??
- guy who likes to ride dirt bikes in the woods with wanton disregard for fragile plant life
There was so much win in that discussion that no single comment deserves a FTW.
2 things:
1. the man is a nartional treasure (the buse)
2. i want more of the ‘jess & bess’ series, for example:
a. jess & bess gadget reviews
b. jess & bess cfa prep
c. jess & bess’ eastbound and down recap
d. jess & bess’ wednesday night pillow fight
e. jess & bess smell each other’s hair
Motorcycle riding in the woods.
Other than that, I have no concerns.
Really, Bess? Staring at the phone? I thought SPODE sends heart-shaped smoke rings.
eastbound and down recap or we go back to the wilmott forums
and d…and e too.
Wall Street is to Wall Street 2 – Money Never Sleeps
as
Escape from New York is to Escape from LA
- Guy who was looking forward to going to a preview screening of the movie but is now thinking of having a hot chick do a beatrix kiddoo on both his eyes
nice human centipede reference
peter the rabbit? i don’t get it.
I see Josh Brolin’s character is named Bretton Woods. How witty!
c. jess & bess’ eastbound and down recap
almost replied & got trolled
Really? Speechless…
Nicely done.
Interestingly, it seems that Jess is the dom and Bess is the sub in this relationship.
how is that?
disagree….
Jess and Bess each take off a dress and pudding wrestle until they are a mess Thursdays.
thanks bess, Human Centipede shoutout FTW
Jessaballs sounds like you are either promiscuous or similar to Jamie Lee Curtis
Well thhe Jessaballs is an obvious giveaway. Plus, count the number of messages. Kinda like Jess is providing the base and Bess is chiming in to agree.
This, FDS and Poker Celeb are fabby. Great writing by Bess (and Jess) and awesome commentary. Excellent work everyone. xoxo
Mmmm… Pudding wrestling…
L. M. F. A. O. still going to see the movie. I’m a glutton
too long. did not read.
too lame to come up with own joke; must resort to 3 yo meme.
as a young prop trader I once had to race SAC on his ducati’s (he was svelte back then). I was shocked to see this in the trailer.
shia lebouef is a absolutely terrible actor!i saw him in a indiana jones movie swinging through the jungle on vines! it was ridiculous.they never should have cast him in a part like this…stick to transformers and other idiot parts……
LOL…. this is what happens when you allow two girls/whores to watch a man’s movie.
LOL
Easy Shia…
Agree with Yawn – its not a joke.
Need more details:
1. What was the makeup of the audience at the screening? Financial industry? Film/Entertainment Industry? General public?
2. What did the audience react to? Did people leave early? Were people bored or laughing?
3. Did they “boo” Jake when he ratted out the non -Jamie Dimon for insider trading?
4. What did they name the baby?
Obama…or OJ
Man’s movie = Slapshot; The Great Escape; Easy Money; Dirty Harry; anything where John Wayne shoots desperadoes/Apaches/Imperial Japanese military personnel.
Not a man’s movie = Anything set in a New York office that involves Shia LeBouef.
A bank fund a fusion company? Hot or cold, either way it’s daft.
1. It was a press screening. There were 5 of us there.
2. We were sitting in the back so I couldn’t see anyone’s expressions but I assume they were bored. There was no laughing.
3. No.
4. She was still pregnant at the end.
I don’t know what’s funnier – the interplay between Jess and Bess or the one on Fast Money the other day between Guy Adami and Ollie Bong Hit. When Adami said Gordon Gekko was his idol growing up and Stone looks at him like he admitted to a penchant for torturing baby seals or something.
I am SO watching this movie.
TGFD here
TGFD here
Well the original idea was to race Zambonis, but Stone wanted it to look more like the forest racing scene in Return of the Jedi.
Deconstruction of Hashimi/sashimi/puss FTW
And thus a thousand Dealbreaker fantasies were born.
Any bedbugs at that theater?
-paranoid OCD guy
Will wait for the DVD release which should happen about 1 week after it hits (and bombs) in the theaters. Will then have a private screening in my apartment with a couple cases of beer and 5-6 friends from the biz to critique this laughably awful movie.
On a sequel scale of 1-10, where 10 = From Russia With Love and 1 = Caddyshack II, where would you say this falls?
On a sequel scale of 1-10, where 10 = From Russia With Love and 1 = Caddyshack II, where would you say this falls?
On a sequel scale of 1-10, where 10 = From Russia With Love and 1 = Caddyshack II, where would you say this falls?
Blue Horseshoe hates Shia Lebouf?
The movie couldn’t have been longer than that Jess and Bess conversation I was forced to make my way through
Oliver Stone has never ever made a “man’s movie”. He did a “man on man” movie when he made Alexander but that’s about as close as he’s ever gotten.
or the forest driving scene in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Bong (also co-starring Shia Lawhatever)
Hey, Escape from LA was pretty good.
“Sad story. Got a smoke?”
waiting 23 years to make a train wreck of a sequel is the new killin’ it
Best Post/Comment thread ever
…in the last few months at least.
this so called review is just as long and boring as the movie. after the fourth inspired use of a simile (i.e. it’s like…), i stopped reading it. time is indeed a most precious commodity.
girls, why don’t you try your hand at reviewing 90210?
i am sure you would relate perfectly to that audience.
Hello, Oliver!
Christian Baha is supposed to be in it. Eh?
Nice. That’s going to be the name of my fantasy football team this season.
Loved the Josh Brolin comment too: how is it that Oliver Stone gets to make movies instead of writing plotlines for the WWE? The guy is like a living, breathing character from a Christopher Guest movie.
Sorry…I don’t know what movie you were watching but I’ve seen Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps and it’s a pretty damn good flick that really takes on the current financial mess dealing in derivatives. Frank Langella gives a terrific supporting performance while Douglas seemlessly slips back into Gekko, who’s got a worthwhile character arc. This isn’t a sequel…it’s a worthwhile continuation tackling Wall Street’s excesses in the Naughtys. If the movie was as puerile as your review, I’d recommend Pirahna 3D instead.
Jess & Bess. Juvenile and longer than the movie no doubt.
No movie could possibly be as bad as this claptrap.
Darkstar
“sewn ass to mouth to your fellow members of the incoming Goldman Sachs analyst class”
I want less of “Jess and Bess”. Of course that is an easy fix for me.
I really appreciate it when two unfunny self-important people steal the premise and structure for a comedy article from another website (where the writers are actually funny) and think that they won’t crash the finished product into the closest telephone pole.
Some advice: steer clear of the whole ‘comedy writing’ thing and stick to drinking pomtinis while watching Sex In the City reruns and thinking you or what you have to say is interesting or important to anybody.
But yeah, the movie did suck pretty hard. Tootles.
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Look, I tried to like this guy.
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