• 28 Sep 2010 at 5:18 PM

Meredith Whitney: You Better Hope For A Shitty Bonus

“When was the last time I wore my executioner’s mask on CNBC,” Meredith Whitney asked several of her employees this morning, sitting around a conference table at the MW Advisory Group’s offices in midtown. “It’s been a really long time,” “Oh gosh I don’t know,” “I can’t even remember,” her minions all chimed in at the same time. “What about my ball gag? Surely it hasn’t been so long since I brought that on, no?” she asked, even though she already knew the answer. “My spreader? The testicles clamps? THE TRUSS BAR?” she shouted, running through her list of go-to accoutrements. The minions shook their heads, not wanting to make eye contact, or tell the boss she’d gone soft.

“Ms. Whitney,” a voice on the intercom interrupted. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I see where you’re going with this and I just got an email from a producer at CNBC saying not to bring any gear, on the off chance you were planning something.

“Well, shit,” the Dollar Dom said dejectedly. “How are people supposed to know to fear me!?” Then, after composing herself: “Fine. That’s fine,” to no one in particular but more as a pep talk to herself. “I can bring the pain without it.”

BARTIROMO: YEAH. WHEN DO YOU EXPECT SOME OF THESE LAYOFFS TO HAPPEN? IN YOUR REPORT, THE LAST REPORT YOU SAID UP TO 40,000?

WHITNEY: 80,000.

BARTIROMO: 80,000 CUTS IN THE FINANCIAL SERVICES INDUSTRY?

WHITNEY: AND I MEANT IN THE U.S., BY THE WAY.

BARTIROMO: JUST THE U.S. WHEN DO YOU THINK THIS STARTS TO HAPPEN?

WHITNEY: I THINK THAT THE BONUSES ARE GOING TO BE REALLY, REALLY BAD AT YEAR END. AND SO THEY’LL HELP — THEY’LL HOPE FOR SOME ATTRITION ON THAT BASES. PEOPLE JUST LEAVING SAYING THIS IS NOT WORTH IT. AFTER THAT, THEY’LL HAVE — I THINK YOU’LL SEE LAYOFFS CERTAINLY IN THE FIRST QUARTER.

71 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (71)

  1. Posted by Grammar N@zi | September 28, 2010 at 9:51 PM

    on that “basis”.

  2. Posted by Anonymous | September 28, 2010 at 9:58 PM

    All your basis are belong to the Dollar Dom.

  3. Posted by guest | September 28, 2010 at 10:05 PM

    Dollar Dom and Money Honey vs David Tepper, sparkling white grape flavor Jell-O®™, Jeff Macke as referee.

    –not Jeff Macke but a fan of his work

  4. Posted by AmericanBandersnatch | September 28, 2010 at 10:11 PM

    In Sovier Russia, 80,000 jobs lost is a statistic. The loss of my job would be a tragedy.

  5. Posted by Marquis De Sade | September 28, 2010 at 10:13 PM

    To judge from the notions expounded by Ms. Whitney, one must conclude that God created most bankers simply with a view to crowding Hell.

  6. Posted by Anonymous | September 28, 2010 at 10:16 PM

    tepper made billions and says to buy the market while dollar dom left (got pushed out) oppenheimer then started her on firm and suggests there will be a double dip – correction, there will be a new recession. other than that, I have no concerns…

  7. Posted by trojan | September 28, 2010 at 10:22 PM

    “This woman wasn’t saying that Wall Street bankers were corrupt. She was saying that they were stupid. These people whose job it was to allocate capital didn’t even know how to manage their own. I confess some part of me thought, If only I’d stuck around, this is the sort of catastrophe I might have created.”

  8. Posted by InfiniteGuest | September 28, 2010 at 10:51 PM

    Spoken like a true narcissist.

  9. Posted by Pjshapiro | September 28, 2010 at 11:06 PM

    I see what you did there.

  10. Posted by Bigballs | September 28, 2010 at 11:13 PM

    Good, more jew scum without money!

  11. Posted by Bigballs | September 28, 2010 at 11:13 PM

    Good, more jew scum without money!

  12. Posted by SwaptionsBarterer | September 29, 2010 at 12:18 AM

    MW and her team of 25-26 year old analysts with zero relevant experience analyzing the most complex of companies is the original killing it

  13. Posted by Guest | September 29, 2010 at 12:35 AM

    Did anyone catch how long she was working on this “iteration?” Who did she eat to figure this out? Bold call after seeing Knight laid off a bunch of people yesterday.

  14. Posted by Sanjay Bigglesworth | September 29, 2010 at 12:36 AM

    MW – Banks are POS. The end.
    Tepper – Banks are POS, but the U.S. government won’t let them fail.

    I am sure that Whitney and Tepper agree on the bottom up analysis of the banks, but Tepper had the stones to bet on which way the macro tea leaves were falling.

  15. Posted by Missing the obvious | September 29, 2010 at 12:48 AM

    Ummmmm – never mind

  16. Posted by goodidea | September 29, 2010 at 1:38 AM

    Maybe she should fire herself?

  17. Posted by Du2 | September 29, 2010 at 2:17 AM

    I cut the employer out of the layoff process, went straight from mba to unemployed.

  18. Posted by Bsd Baller1 | September 29, 2010 at 2:48 AM

    it’s time to create the “PROP” gang sign. let’s own these markets again. fuck em.

  19. Posted by Rho to Gamma | September 29, 2010 at 3:06 AM

    and ball gag.

  20. Posted by Azuz | September 29, 2010 at 3:15 AM

    MW: “I haven’t slept in days”
    And she looks it.

    -Guy who ALWAYS leaves the lights on.

  21. Posted by Guywithmassivethighs | September 29, 2010 at 3:23 AM

    I still have my bicycle and no one can take it from me.

  22. Posted by JD | September 29, 2010 at 3:52 AM

    dragon

  23. Posted by Rho 2 Gamma | September 29, 2010 at 12:28 PM

    Lights off, gag ball in her mouth, leather mask on my head, me weeping and sobbing, her clawing at me, and 3 soon to be unemployed analysts giving guidence.

  24. Posted by Phaque | September 29, 2010 at 12:34 PM

    “I cover the banks for a living.” She could cover a lot more these days.

    -Guy trying to make a witty joke about MW’s size but struggling

  25. Posted by Guest | September 29, 2010 at 1:22 PM

    She’s no bigger than Maria, but she did look and sound awfully tired. How much OPM is in her fund, she looks like she’s gambled all of hers, her husband’s, and then some.

  26. Posted by Boris the Blade | September 29, 2010 at 3:08 PM

    Could you elaborate on Knight?

  27. Posted by Guest | September 29, 2010 at 3:10 PM

    Marmageddon

  28. Posted by Phaque | September 29, 2010 at 3:21 PM

    More like parmageddon. With a side of pasta.

  29. Posted by Anti DB | September 29, 2010 at 3:55 PM

    analyst- we need to discuss fat tails
    MW- your fired

  30. Posted by robert | October 1, 2010 at 2:38 AM

    Grow up guys you are sounding like a bunch of misogynists or serially jealous wannabe’s Whitney is the most influential and accurate analysts in the US and that is obvious to anyone who can get past the dumb blond stereotype. Listen up if you ever want to be ahead of the curve.

  31. Posted by Bottom Bucket | October 4, 2010 at 1:43 AM

    I can only assume you’re joking. Ingrate…

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