Meredith Whitney: You Better Hope For A Shitty Bonus

“When was the last time I wore my executioner’s mask on CNBC,” Meredith Whitney asked several of her employees this morning, sitting around a conference table at the MW Advisory Group’s offices in midtown. “It’s been a really long time,” “Oh gosh I don’t know,” “I can’t even remember,” her minions all chimed in at the same time. “What about my ball gag? Surely it hasn’t been so long since I brought that on, no?” she asked, even though she already knew the answer. “My spreader? The testicles clamps? THE TRUSS BAR?” she shouted, running through her list of go-to accoutrements. The minions shook their heads, not wanting to make eye contact, or tell the boss she’d gone soft.

“Ms. Whitney,” a voice on the intercom interrupted. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I see where you’re going with this and I just got an email from a producer at CNBC saying not to bring any gear, on the off chance you were planning something.

“Well, shit,” the Dollar Dom said dejectedly. “How are people supposed to know to fear me!?” Then, after composing herself: “Fine. That’s fine,” to no one in particular but more as a pep talk to herself. “I can bring the pain without it.”


WHITNEY: 80,000.





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71 Responses to “Meredith Whitney: You Better Hope For A Shitty Bonus”

  1. Grammar N@zi says:

    on that “basis”.

  2. Anonymous says:

    All your basis are belong to the Dollar Dom.

  3. guest says:

    Dollar Dom and Money Honey vs David Tepper, sparkling white grape flavor Jell-O®™, Jeff Macke as referee.

    –not Jeff Macke but a fan of his work

  4. AmericanBandersnatch says:

    In Sovier Russia, 80,000 jobs lost is a statistic. The loss of my job would be a tragedy.

  5. Marquis De Sade says:

    To judge from the notions expounded by Ms. Whitney, one must conclude that God created most bankers simply with a view to crowding Hell.

  6. Anonymous says:

    tepper made billions and says to buy the market while dollar dom left (got pushed out) oppenheimer then started her on firm and suggests there will be a double dip – correction, there will be a new recession. other than that, I have no concerns…

  7. trojan says:

    “This woman wasn’t saying that Wall Street bankers were corrupt. She was saying that they were stupid. These people whose job it was to allocate capital didn’t even know how to manage their own. I confess some part of me thought, If only I’d stuck around, this is the sort of catastrophe I might have created.”

  8. Spoken like a true narcissist.

  9. Pjshapiro says:

    I see what you did there.

  10. Bigballs says:

    Good, more jew scum without money!

  11. Bigballs says:

    Good, more jew scum without money!

  12. SwaptionsBarterer says:

    MW and her team of 25-26 year old analysts with zero relevant experience analyzing the most complex of companies is the original killing it

  13. Guest says:

    Did anyone catch how long she was working on this “iteration?” Who did she eat to figure this out? Bold call after seeing Knight laid off a bunch of people yesterday.

  14. Sanjay Bigglesworth says:

    MW – Banks are POS. The end.
    Tepper – Banks are POS, but the U.S. government won’t let them fail.

    I am sure that Whitney and Tepper agree on the bottom up analysis of the banks, but Tepper had the stones to bet on which way the macro tea leaves were falling.

  15. Missing the obvious says:

    Ummmmm – never mind

  16. goodidea says:

    Maybe she should fire herself?

  17. Du2 says:

    I cut the employer out of the layoff process, went straight from mba to unemployed.

  18. Bsd Baller1 says:

    it’s time to create the “PROP” gang sign. let’s own these markets again. fuck em.

  19. Rho to Gamma says:

    and ball gag.

  20. Azuz says:

    MW: “I haven’t slept in days”
    And she looks it.

    -Guy who ALWAYS leaves the lights on.

  21. Guywithmassivethighs says:

    I still have my bicycle and no one can take it from me.

  22. Rho 2 Gamma says:

    Lights off, gag ball in her mouth, leather mask on my head, me weeping and sobbing, her clawing at me, and 3 soon to be unemployed analysts giving guidence.

  23. Phaque says:

    “I cover the banks for a living.” She could cover a lot more these days.

    -Guy trying to make a witty joke about MW’s size but struggling

  24. Guest says:

    She’s no bigger than Maria, but she did look and sound awfully tired. How much OPM is in her fund, she looks like she’s gambled all of hers, her husband’s, and then some.

  25. Boris the Blade says:

    Could you elaborate on Knight?

  26. Guest says:


  27. Phaque says:

    More like parmageddon. With a side of pasta.

  28. Anti DB says:

    analyst- we need to discuss fat tails
    MW- your fired

  29. robert says:

    Grow up guys you are sounding like a bunch of misogynists or serially jealous wannabe’s Whitney is the most influential and accurate analysts in the US and that is obvious to anyone who can get past the dumb blond stereotype. Listen up if you ever want to be ahead of the curve.

  30. Bottom Bucket says:

    I can only assume you’re joking. Ingrate…

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