September 2010

  • News

    Former JPMorgan Analyst Valentina Savelyeva Wants To Whip Your Piss-Poor Spreadsheets Into Shape

    Training the Street will teach anyone willing to fork over the $6,000 tuition for a five-day “core skills” workshop. But most of the firm’s classes in financial accounting, corporate valuation, and merger/buyout analysis are packed with new hires from firms like Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Citigroup, and Deutsche Bank. Every year, more than 20,000 young […]

    / Sep 23, 2010 at 3:16 PM
  • News

    Who Was Behind Ebonics-Inspired Name Of This Hedge Fund?

    So, there is a hedge fund run by two brothers, Abe and Jack Eisenstat, which is up almost 25 percent for the year. It’s called Dabroes Management LP and is pronounced “Da Bros,” according to the outgoing message on the firm’s voicemail. Naturally, we need have some questions that need answering here. One, does a […]

    / Sep 23, 2010 at 2:27 PM
  • News

    Cross Bentlys Off Your List Of Bonus Treats

    As you know, it’s never too early to start thinking about bonus season and what sort of goodies you’re going to pick up. To that end, today brings some bad news. For those of you who were considering treating yourself to a new ride and driver, Bentley has announced their cars will no longer come […]

    / Sep 23, 2010 at 12:45 PM
  • News

    Charlie Gasparino: Business World’s Gonna Miss Larry Summers When He’s Gone

    They haven’t had nice things to say about him over the past year and a half. Called him McSleeps a lot and, oh, the jokes about his Diet Coke consumption came fast and furiously. But now that he’s announced he’s taking off, suddenly the business community wants the lovable schlub back, according to Charlie Gasparino. […]

    / Sep 23, 2010 at 11:15 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 09.23.10

    Bill Gates Tops Forbes Ranking Of 400 Wealthiest Americans (Bloomberg) With estimated assets of $54 billion. Warren Buffett ranks second in the U.S. with $45 billion, according to the list published yesterday. The number of list members whose wealth declined this year is 85 compared with 314 in 2009, while wealth increased for 217 members. […]

    / Sep 23, 2010 at 9:29 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 09.22.10

    $$$ Volcker: White House Not Anti-Business [FBN via HNM] $$$ Geithner, GOP Trade Barbs Over The Economy [WSJ] $$$ Obama’s kryptonite cuts to the very heart of the administration’s failings at a presidential economic town hall. [TDS]

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 7:01 PM
  • News

    Paul Tudor Jones’ Flagship Down So Far This Year

    Apparently Tudor’s BVI Global fund is only down .9 percent through September 20th but still, anything that potential puts the chickens in peril must be taken seriously. [Forbes]

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 6:29 PM
  • News

    Chicken Upgrades RBS

    As many of you know, some harsh words have been uttered in the direction of RBS around these parts, all of them deserved. The bank more or less blamed this innocent website for all its problems, be it billions in losses, failed food eating attempts, terrible holiday parties, the inability to pay bonuses for several […]

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 4:36 PM
  • News

    Wall Street Programmers Speak Out: No One Told Us This Job Would Be Boring

    Andrew Montalenti is a former Morgan Stanley programmer. He’s also a rapeboredom survivor who after years of fear and shame feels strong enough to speak out and tell the world what was done to him. In 2006, Montalenti took a job with the bank as a software engineer after graduating from NYU. A friend had […]

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 3:20 PM
  • News

    SEC Investigating Hedge Fund Run By Two Blind Guys With A Sense Of Humor

    Having no idea whether or not these two are innocent just gonna go to bat for them now saying the SEC should back the fuck off. These guys are alright, as is anyone who considers hiring Stan O’Neal for the laughs.

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 2:20 PM
  • News

    Someone Finally Bought Jamie Dimon’s House

    You’d think sleeping where Jamie Dimon hath slept would’ve been enough but no: the boy-toy CEO’s 13,500 square foot manse, which he bought in 2000 for $4.7 million, sat on the market for almost two and a half years, from the time he tried to sell it in April 2007 with an asking price of […]

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 1:35 PM
  • News

    Larry Summers And Rahm Emanuel To Go Halvies On Bubble Wrap

    The White House chief of staff is reportedly taking a page from Siesta Boy’s playabook and planning an exit in the next couple months, according to Bloomberg.

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 12:55 PM
  • News

    Goldman Sachs Will Tell You Where You Can And Cannot Stick That

    So! You’re an employee of Goldman Sachs and you want to date, mate or just rub up against one of your colleagues. In the wake of last week’s lawsuit by three woman against the bank, one of whom cited an incident several years back wherein a co-worker gave her an unsolicited groping after a company […]

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 9:55 AM
  • News

    Breaking: Ivy League Athletes Use Alumni Connections To Land Jobs On Wall Street

    Penn defensive back Josh Powers likes playing football just fine but after he graduates plans to work on Wall Street. In fact, he already has a gig lined up with George Weiss Associates, having interviewed with the head of Weiss’s equity trading desk and getting “the thumbs up.” How did he accomplish this incredible feat? […]

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 9:30 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 09.22.10

    Summers’ Stature Means Obama Faces Tough Task Replacing Him (Bloomberg) First off, Big Lar is irreplaceable. Having said that: among those whose names have been discussed is Anne Mulcahy, the former chief executive officer of Xerox Corp., two people familiar with administration discussions said. Other potential candidates include David Cote, CEO of Honeywell International Inc., […]

    / Sep 22, 2010 at 9:22 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 09.21.10

    $$$ Is Citigroup Finally Off The Ropes? [Fortune] $$$ Mark Cuban’s Insider Trading Case Revived [MarketWatch] $$$ Bankruptcy Trustee Goes After Dykstra– And His Wife [CNBC]

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 7:28 PM
  • News

    Some Investors Having Difficulty Forming An Opinion On Carlyle’s Foray Into Hedge Funds

    I’m kidding, of course. As you may have heard, Carlyle is considering buying a stake in a hedge fund manager and is in talks with multiple firms, in addition to looking to raise “two new debt funds and a $1 billion pool to buy small companies.” The units would be overseen by Mitch Petrick, who […]

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 5:39 PM
  • News

    Larry Summers To Quit White House After Mid-Term Elections

    According to White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, the nap lover’s impending departure, and those of others on the economic team, is “not a surprise…there will be people who have worked enormously hard over the past few years to make decisions to go back to doing what they did before joining the administration,” such as consulting […]

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 4:25 PM
  • News

    Would Hedge Fund Managers Losing Big Time Make For Compelling TV?

    Ladies– last evening I was having dinner with an alternative asset manager when the conversation took a interesting turn initiated by his uttering of these seven words, “My favorite show is The Biggest Loser,” and the following pitch:

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 4:09 PM
  • News

    Think Twice Before Saying No To That Naked Camping Trip With The Office

    Backwoods dildo adventures. Par for the course at many of the tri-state area’s most prestigious hedge funds. Most people know this is coming when they sign on, and the various reasons why it’ll make them a valuable member of the team. Shame that makes you stronger and all that jazz. Still, for some, it can […]

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 3:19 PM
  • News

    Shia LaBeouf “Incentivized” His Trading Coaches To Make Him “Some Coin” By Promising Them Visits To The Set Of Money Never Sleeps

    Also, his top pick is McDonalds, if you’re looking for some ideas.

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 2:18 PM
  • News

    Oliver Stone Tells Us How He Really Feels

    It’s one thing to produce a film that induces feelings of suicide in the audience, what with its 17 different plots lines and Gucci loafers, all the while exposing your childlike comprehension of the machinations of Wall Street but when you insult the looks of Lloyd Blankfein, you go too far.

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 1:05 PM
  • News

    Layoffs Watch ’10: Bank of Amerillwide

    Cuts going down circa now.

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 11:20 AM
  • News

    Warren Buffett’s Main Man Says Give It Up For The Bailouts, Advises People Who’ve Fall On Hard Times To Stuff It

    Charles Munger, the billionaire vice chairman of Berkshire Hathaway, defended the U.S. financial-company rescues of 2008 and told students that people in economic distress should “suck it in and cope.” “You should thank God” for bank bailouts, Munger said in a discussion at the University of Michigan on Sept. 14, according to a video posted […]

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 10:22 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 09.21.10

    Matthew Lynn: Hedge Funds Are Running Out Of Reasons To Exist (Bloomberg) “If they were collecting money from the wealthy and investing it in industries or countries where capital is short, that would be a good argument. Or if they were creating markets in commodities or asset classes where none existed before, that would work. […]

    / Sep 21, 2010 at 9:17 AM
  • News

    Lindsay Lohan Actually Makes Money Off Claims Against E*Trade

    Back in March, Lindsay Lohan filed a suit against E*Trade, claiming that the baby in the brokerage’s latest commercial was based on her life. Lohan came to this conclusion because the character’s name is Lindsay, she’s referred to as a “milk-a-holic,” and there’s a suggestion that the young one is a man-stealing tramp (she also […]

    / Sep 20, 2010 at 5:40 PM
  • News

    Japan Gotta Ease Up On Questioning Billionaires About Their Swords And Shit

    Japan’s economy may suffer unless visiting executives such as Apple Inc. Chief Executive Officer Steve Jobs can more easily jet in and out of the country by private aircraft, said a Japanese business aviation group. Jobs vowed never to return to Japan after he was forced to ditch ninja throwing stars found in his luggage […]

    / Sep 20, 2010 at 5:15 PM

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