• 22 Sep 2010 at 1:35 PM

Someone Finally Bought Jamie Dimon’s House

You’d think sleeping where Jamie Dimon hath slept would’ve been enough but no: the boy-toy CEO’s 13,500 square foot manse, which he bought in 2000 for $4.7 million, sat on the market for almost two and a half years, from the time he tried to sell it in April 2007 with an asking price of $13.5 million. James dropped it to $9.5 million and down to the bargain basement price of $6.5 million just several weeks ago. The buyer and accepted offer were not disclosed though presumably JD sealed the deal by throwing in the masterpiece pictured above, and a couplea busts cast in bronze. [CB]

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Comments (61)

  1. Posted by OptionsTrader | September 22, 2010 at 5:53 PM

    Hey uh guys I don’t know if anyone is out there or reading this but I’m currently in a minor situation over here…I am typing this with my tongue…It seems the Marketing girls have tied me to my chair in my office using those plastic lock things and they are spreading various condiments all over me. I’ve been tortured and tied for my chauvinistic comments I made about women being depreciating assets.

    Someone send help I’m at Spear Tower One Market Plaza San Francisco, California 94105 USA

  2. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 6:09 PM

    What the hell is it with these personal portraits? Their home lives must be horrible. I guess one needs extremely self-worshiped because none of them will ever be considered humanitarians.

    The price isn’t disclosed because he failed the Capitalism axiom of buy low, sell high.

  3. Posted by Financial_Servicer | September 22, 2010 at 6:11 PM

    Interesting that you can type in caps with just your tongue…Satan? Economist?

    -Guy attempting to reference figures with forked tongues or tendencies for doublespeak

  4. Posted by Jack | September 22, 2010 at 6:12 PM

    Who really cares about you or Jamie Dimon……..$#(* you both. Watchmen

  5. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 6:15 PM

    1. Your location of San Francisco explains why you can type with your tongue; you use it prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
    2. Those plastic lock things are called zip ties.
    3. Tell them they shouldn’t have so many condiments its making them fat and depreciating their assets even more.

  6. Posted by Chuddy | September 22, 2010 at 6:24 PM

    I heard Nails bought it just after talking a squat in the library.

  7. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2010 at 6:29 PM

    vikram is the annoymous buyer

  8. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2010 at 6:36 PM

    The portrait is rather symbolic of this protracted sale … “Loss My Head When I Originally Priced This Shack”

  9. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | September 22, 2010 at 6:42 PM

    Why would someone add a decorative column right at the top of the stairs, so that you people have to step around it? The other column is also poorly placed.

  10. Posted by ahahah | September 22, 2010 at 6:47 PM

    Bess, not trying to tell you how to do your job, but you know you’ll be able to check the public records to find the mystery buyer in a couple of weeks right?

  11. Posted by CMBS 4-Life | September 22, 2010 at 6:50 PM

    I call the painting The Celebration…it’s sexual and violent

  12. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 6:54 PM

    haha columns are stupid; doric columns are even stupider.

  13. Posted by guest | September 22, 2010 at 6:58 PM

    At this level, people usually set up LLCs to do the purchase to preserve their privacy.

  14. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | September 22, 2010 at 7:04 PM

    I had to look up the definition of “doric.” The columns in the (former) Dimon home do not appear to be doric columns, which are fluted and have no base.

    I don’t know what kind of columns these are, but the one atop the stairs may create a safety issue, especially with the rug nearby, which might cause someone to trip as they maneveur around the column.

  15. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 7:05 PM

    Looks like it’s the top floor. House was built in the 1880′s so the top floor was where the servants lived. My guess would be that as originally built there was a load-bearing wall running where the columns are now, with small servants bedrooms behind it. Some interior-design type prob thought it would be better to rip these out and create a “gallery” or “great room” or some such nonsense. So, the columns became necessary to keep the roof from falling in and damaging JD’s self-worship altar.

  16. Posted by Mr. Market | September 22, 2010 at 7:07 PM

    The columns are not decorative; JD “raised the roof” so many times that he said, f’ it, I’m going to permanently raise the roof, take that Vikrami. And so he added columns.

  17. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 7:07 PM

    Is $6.5mm really that stratospheric a level? I mean it’s not cheap by any means but it’s not full-floor-at-940-5th-Avenue money either.

  18. Posted by Chuddy | September 22, 2010 at 7:06 PM

    My column is anything BUT doric……….


  19. Posted by Texashedge | September 22, 2010 at 7:08 PM

    Can’t tell if you’re being serious or whether you’re attempting to be ionic.

  20. Posted by Tom Servo | September 22, 2010 at 7:18 PM

    He has his phallic reasonings for them.

  21. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | September 22, 2010 at 7:20 PM

    So, the columns may not be only decorative, after all. Perma G’s explanation of the odd placement of the (non-doric) columns makes sense.

    These columns may look odd, be poorly placed, and create a minor safety problem, but they serve a more important function. I can think of analogies to JD’s firm.

  22. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 7:26 PM

    completely serious, i fucking hate decorative columns. see: ‘ornamentation and crime’ by a. loos

  23. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2010 at 7:30 PM


    Goldcoast in Chicago isn’t 5th Ave in New York.

  24. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 7:32 PM

    Not to mention that the wall sconces are disproportionately small for the scale of the space. It gives you a sense of tightness in your plums.

  25. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 7:42 PM


    Yeah, I know. That reply got posted in the wrong place– was trying to say that $6.5mm didn’t strike me as such an outsize price that the buyer would be doing this through an LLC.

  26. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | September 22, 2010 at 7:46 PM

    @Ham05: I understand that Adolf Loos “announced as early as 1898 his intention to avoid the use of unnecessary ornament.” I also learned that his “best-known large structure is the Goldman and Salatsch Building in Vienna (1910), in which small amounts of Classical detail are offset by large areas of blank, polished marble.”

    A. Loos would have hated JD’s old house, regardless of whether the columns are decorative or functional.

  27. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 7:47 PM

    If you’re really doing it right you set up a single purpose vehicle registered in the caymans – there are legitimate reasons for those things despite what Parmalat and Enron have done to their reputations!

  28. Posted by ExtraOrdinaryPopularDelusions | September 22, 2010 at 8:05 PM

    note the placement of the far-left light

  29. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2010 at 8:09 PM


    My parents employed an LCC when they purchased me a crib during undergrad, and we don’t have the coin JD rakes. It’s not only done to protect the owners identity but can also be used to protect against lawsuits and the like if my friends and I gangbanged a stripper and she ran to the DA.

    FYI, the college house was something around $300k.

  30. Posted by Guest | September 22, 2010 at 8:13 PM

    Looks you like you failed the Capitalism axiom of reading comprehension. Or perhaps counting. Isn’t 6.5>4.7? I could be wrong tho, I did pursue the CFA afterall

  31. Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2010 at 8:15 PM

    I read this too quickly and thought you had an infant crib and you were a little baby gang banging a stripper. I almost peed my pants

  32. Posted by Stevenson | September 22, 2010 at 8:27 PM

    metaphor for a glowing and radiant penis

  33. Posted by Chuddy | September 22, 2010 at 8:32 PM

    The details of my life are quite inconsequential … Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament … My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon … luge lessons … In the spring, we’d make meat helmets … When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds — pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilmer ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it’s breathtaking … I suggest you try it.

  34. Posted by its me stevie | September 22, 2010 at 8:05 PM

    Fake plant? I think so. Looks like Jamie might have a heck of a gaming room in the back though.

  35. Posted by its me stevie | September 22, 2010 at 8:05 PM

    Fake plant? I think so. Looks like Jamie might have a heck of a gaming room in the back though.

  36. Posted by guest | September 22, 2010 at 8:48 PM

    Chuddy are you Edward Lewis from “Pretty woman”

  37. Posted by Chuddy | September 22, 2010 at 8:52 PM

    I am many things, and have been known to partake in tomfoolery on occassion

  38. Posted by ahahah | September 22, 2010 at 9:22 PM

    Well, if he gets a mortgage, then you can always just go to the recorder’s website and download the mortgage/note and check who signed it and work backwards from there. Also, sometimes you can get clues from the LLC name but that’s not a layup.

  39. Posted by ahahah | September 22, 2010 at 9:24 PM

    plus, 6.5 is the asking price so I’d hope they could get it for $6.0MM. Funny–if that’s the case I’d bet a baller like JD easily drops $1.5MM into his house so I wouldn’t be surprised if he lost money on this one.

  40. Posted by Shaw | March 15, 2011 at 7:08 PM

    The article never said the house sold for $6.5 million. It stated that the “accepted offer” was not “disclosed.” You’re the one who failed reading comprehension.

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