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Unfounded Rumor Of The Afternoon: Goldman Sachs Partner To Grapple With The Question Of How One Throws A “Naked-Themed” Halloween Party, Food And Drink-Wise?

Almost a year ago, at the height of the campaign to Hate on Goldman Sachs, Lloyd Blankfein issued an edict. Lay low. Do not draw attention to the firm. Do not purchase flashy items. Do not dump a bag of hundos on the floor, strip naked and roll around in them at your local watering hole. Don’t even eat together outside the walls of headquarters if you know what’s good for you. Lloyd wasn’t telling people to not be themselves, just not to be themselves in public, where they could be readily identified as employees of Goldman Sachs. Naturally, the rule applied not only to first-year peons but the upper echelons of Goldman Sachs management as well. Which is why when he threw “a series of” topless parties in the Hamptons last summer, partner, managing director and hero to all Rick Kimball did so in the privacy of his Southampton rental. The same logic presumably applied during the planning of an upcoming “naked-themed Halloween party,” supposedly taking place at his pad on Jane Street.

Word on the street is that as Goldman Sachs Director, Rick Kimball, continues to be celebrated within corporate headquarters, the Board of Directors of his apartment building on Jane Street, where he occupies the two story penthouse, on the other hand are not quite as thrilled with his performance. Numerous video tapes of him getting it on in the elevators and countless all night raves with flowing champagne and scantily clad nymphs, often on work nights; has finally rendered an apartment board vote last week of, “Your ass is out!,” although this has not deterred his plans for a naked themed Halloween party on the 30th……I guess he figures he’s already been booted, what the heck.

Lloyd would most likely have a serious problem with Kimball renting out, say, the floor of the NYSE for the event, but at his own place? Not much to complain about (except for the lack of an invite to the festivities). (NB: I called GS for confirmation of the soiree and was told nothing is planned “for Halloween,” which may just be typical Master of the Universe sleight of hand, re: the 30th vs. the 31st.)

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107 Responses to “Unfounded Rumor Of The Afternoon: Goldman Sachs Partner To Grapple With The Question Of How One Throws A “Naked-Themed” Halloween Party, Food And Drink-Wise?”

  1. Anonymous says:

    “Getting it on in the elevator” = tonsil hockey, or busting a nut while holding down the “stop” button?

  2. Chuddy says:

    “apartment board vote last week of, “Your ass is out!,”

    Apparently his landlord is one Kenny Powers

  3. Anonymous says:

    I was invited to meet one of the directors in a more casual setting for my 15th interview at goldman. going to an apartment didn’t seem too crazy, but now I know why they asked if I owned any business casual outfits in latex…

  4. Pissed says:

    OK, the automatically spooling commercial is pretty fucking annoying. Please cease and desist.

  5. Pfluger the Barbarian says:

    Jane Street is apparently a “small neighborhood” too.

  6. Jefferey_Epstein says:

    I’m having trouble coming up with cotsume ideas for this event, so I’ve considered painting my penis to look like an egg eating snake.

  7. JebronLames says:

    Why does the nose of a Delta keep punching me in the face? I am not even at Minetta’s.

  8. CoveredLong says:

    A real baller would buy the place, fire the board, and leave the apartment anyway.

    -D. Tepper

  9. Justthetip says:

    I’ll bring zee party favors!

    -Gundlach

  10. Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard says:

    Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive’s name is Dr. Richard Kimble. Go get him.

  11. Texashedge says:

    “How does one throw a naked themed party?”

    Just don’t borrow the theme and throw the party anyway.

  12. Texashedge says:

    “How does one throw a naked themed party?”

    Just don’t borrow the theme and throw the party anyway.

  13. Rad_Tony says:

    Manhattan is Never-Never Land for men.

    Coke, booze, cash flow, a high rise apartment, the best of Radiohead coursing through the vacuum tubes of your McIntosh pre-amp. That’s all you really need.

    Do you have the aforementioned?

    Then congratulations, you’re probably getting laid by a woman with long legs, a heart shaped ass, and long stringy blonde hair . . . a woman who giggles when she’s whisked into the basement of Kenmare, a woman who goes wide eyed when you bro hug your dealer, a woman who asks for a pillow (her little knees hurt).

    Live in Manhattan, push 45, and bang 25 year olds effortlessly.

    Alas, the rest of the men in the United States are not so lucky. They invariably succumb to societal pressure – they want to fit in. So what do they do? They propose between the ages of 27 and 35 . . . to Karen – the “awesome”, “so cool” short haired child psychology major size 6.

    Yay. Together forever.

    But fast forward 7 years. Assume short haired Karen is now 37. What are these “fulfilled” guys now doing?

    Wearing jean shorts (“jorts”), fidgeting with Oakley sunglasses, juggling unwanted kids, making payments on a 3 Series, stressing over the mortgage on a stucco McMansion, going to therapy with 185lb. Karen, perusing how-to divorce books at Border’s, praying to a nonexistent Jesus (the Official Deity of Losers) . . .

    In short, the aforementioned men simply wish that they were dead.

    So do your best to party like Rick Kimball. A married guy’s day is only filled with dread, economic peril, crisis containment, and covert beat off sessions in the garage.

  14. indridcold says:

    does anyone know if Laurie Strode will be there?

    -M.Meyers

  15. Ward Cleaver says:

    As a happily married man with 3 kids, I can vouch for this post being factually inaccurate. My covert beat off sessions are in the bedroom while my wife is in the shower.

  16. Also_A_Guest says:

    This dude definitely married Karen and is waiting for Peter Pan to come whisk him away from Omaha to Never-Never Land.

    Except Peter’s not coming. But Jack, Jim and Karen are going to carry him off to one final booze-filled evening at home, where he will find himself sitting in his leased 3-Series, nestled in the garage of his McMansion with the engine running. And the last thing he will think before his head slowly droops to the steering wheel is “I’ll bet Kimball is nailing Tinkerbell right now”.

  17. June Cleaver says:

    Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.

  18. Texashedge says:

    R-T, apparently you have never heard of the concept of “having an affair”. The ring gets you laid, son.

  19. Rick Kimball says:

    I got one for you right here, Bess. Meet me in the elevator.

  20. TexasWedge says:

    That strategy works better if you hedge it with a pre-nup. Otherwise, the risk-reward can be unappealing.

  21. CharlesJWales says:

    In Soviet Russia, your ass votes apartment board out

  22. Redhotnyc1 says:

    i’m, well, familiar with rk – and he is, um, packing – if you know what i mean…. and is quite a gentleman – maybe he was with me because unlike the coke-ho—s he does like, i would never be stupid enough to allow him to P(&*(& me in a surveilled elevator – duhhhhhh

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