A brother in need writes:
Dear Dealbreaker,
I’m an American living abroad in one of the few places where finance types aren’t still public enemy #1. I’m going to be back in the states for a few weeks over the holidays, armed with plenty of appreciating foreign currency, and a will to spend lots of money before governments around the world tax it or inflate it away from me. I’ve been at a well-known shop for just shy of a decade and bonuses this year are on track for the old killing it.
Unfortunately, I’m at loss for how best to stimulate the economy aside from the usual hookers/blow, bottles/models, crystal meth/uncooked bacon and cars that make the panties drop. So while variations on these themes are certainly encouraged, I’m hoping you can help me come up with some creative ideas to entertain myself and spend this cash burning a hole in my pocket. I’m planning to hit LA, Vegas, NY and Miami, but I’m open to suggestions elsewhere as well.
Carpe Materiem,
Bernanke Made Me Do It
Serious suggestions only, please.
You could pay a gentleman to let you blow him.
Obama needs a cock. How bout a soul brother prothesis for the good of the free world?
Obama needs a cock. How bout a soul brother prothesis for the good of the free world?
spend it on your favorite Slam Piece, brah
spend it on your favorite Slam Piece, brah
Since you’ve been gone, some finance types have been getting heavy into teddy bears. I think there may be an auction you could attend.
Let me make a financial plaaaaaan fo you
Houses. kill two birds with one stone.
Forget about those other cities. Just Vegas and 32 black..all of it. Kind of like buying a stock, except you get drunk for free.
Whatever you do don’t let the dames max your Chase debit card! Especially if you yourself are personally crushing 8s and up.
Call me!
Love,
Debralee
2125551212
Gianna hasn’t been doing that great lately, from what I can tell. You could take Bess and Jess to see her and drop a little extra coin . . .
This is not for real. Even creeps don’t write like that anymore. Ewwww.
I here Christina Aguilera is available.
wrong
Try trollworld where you can buy all your trolling accessories.
I hear the dips of distinction collection is on the market
Gunrunning.
Gunrunning.
i dont think that will be necessary…he seems quite capable to auto-fellatio.
meh…nevermind, reading comprehension was never a strong suit.
Buy gold and emerging market stocks – it is fun and lasts a lifetime, almost like herpes…
Buy gold and emerging market stocks – it is fun and lasts a lifetime, almost like herpes…
I didn’t want to ask you, Sir, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
about 52 thousand dollars
Chung is King
He could pay to be the Lucky Pierre b/t Barney Frank and Chris Dodd.
he’s not asking for investing ideas.
My thought is special requests at all of the (baller) hotels I’m sure you will stay at. For example:
1. 72 inch flatscreen with HD DVD player, the movie “Blue Crush” already loaded and cued up.
2. A large bowl of blue m&m’s (no shells!!)
3. Replace normal bed linens with lime green duvet made of bald eagle
4. Phil Collins “Easy Lover” song playing quietly on repeat in the bathroom
5. VIP Pass to “Stone Street Stilletos,” an upscale gentleman’s club featuring Anal_yst on “good” nights, JV squad Sunday-Wednesday. Based on your e-mail to Bess, I think this is an area where you’d really make it rain.
Good luck and godspeed
Republican campaign donations
If he makes a deposit at the drive through teller I hear they send a Chilean Miner through the tube in return. Might be a good way to spend some bucks
I would be impressed if he bought a plane when getting back to the states, hired a crew to fly it to all the cities on his list, abandoned it when done and then took the Pelosi-esque tax write off. Abandoned G450s (Gulfstream( is the NKI
Bid for DealBreaker. Rumor is they’ll go for a million if you’re willing to pay the talent.
Net Jet Cards. You get a oil hedge along the way.
Call and let’s get the freak on!!
- Mad Max
Once in the states decide on your beneficiary. Buy a gun and shoot self in face. Tax problem solved just make sure this is done before the ball drops.
I would first recommend paying off any outstanding debt. You are going to want to set aside between 6 to 12 months of living expenses in a highly liquid “emergency account” (I recommend ING Direct). With the holidays coming up in a few short months you might also want to earmark a little extra for gifts to family and friends so you arent worried when the bill comes in January! Make sure to fully fund your 401k (you might want to see if your employer offers a Roth 401k, I know paying the taxes now sucks but all the growth will come out tax free). If you have children you might want to explore a 529 Savings Plan to help pay for future tuition expenses. If you are charitably inclined there are many small to medium sized charities that you can donate to, not only will it warm your heart to help those less fortunate you will be able to deduct a cash gift up to 50% of your AGI. With the remaining balance you should open up a brokerage account and invest in low cost, tax efficient index ETFs as well as portfolio of high quality short duration fixed income securities.
A pair of Purdy side-by-side 12 gauges. Ridiculously expensive, and usefull when the revolution comes, too!
Buy a personality, twit
Flowers are always nice.
Did Brett Michaels ghost this letter?
You MUST stop by the SF office of Citadel.
You should use your bonus to pay for classes on how not to be a giant tool. If there’s anything left over, take OptionsTrader with you.
You should use your bonus to pay for classes on how not to be a giant tool. If there’s anything left over, take OptionsTrader with you.
“Unfortunately, I’m at loss for how best to stimulate the economy.”
-Spoken like a true financial genius.
“Serious suggestions only, please.”
-Ok: Get a real job, stooge. Our government has already mastered skimming the populace and redistributing wealth.
“Unfortunately, I’m at loss for how best to stimulate the economy.”
-Spoken like a true financial genius.
“Serious suggestions only, please.”
-Ok: Get a real job, stooge. Our government has already mastered skimming the populace and redistributing wealth.
Creepy modern art and ice smoothing machines.
Bess playing middle-woman is the NKI
Kim Kardashian is in town and single. He can finally put to rest if they’re real and spectacular.
bodymiracle.com fool
Hire a theatre company to act out a live version of Atlas Shrugged on the steps of Congress.
Viagra prescriptions for homeless men.
See if you can buy enough balloons to make a live-action version of Up.
A full throttle weekend of Russian hookers, gambling, sports book, VIP bottle service, and Presidential Suite at the new Wynn/Encore in Vegas, via private plane is good starter. Additional requirements for the contract rider from Milksteak should include:
a) special appearance by Doug (floories, not roofies) and the one man wolfpack
b) Flying Elvii in lighted Fat Elvis days jump suits, to land in front of your table on the rooftop bar at Pure, while you are being enteratined by the Chinese Acrobats from Cirque.
If your current options for a sidekick suffer from a lack of experience in this area, I would be happy to add some expertise to your endeavors, feel free to have Bess contact me. Alternatively, just say “eff it” go to Thailand for three weeks, doing all of the above while saving wads of cash, to invest in the stateside residential real estate market. I vote for Vegas AND Thailand. They don’t call it Bangkok for nothing.
Don’t make plans
Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face.
Pick up some nice William Hogarth prints – a good investment, a good conversation starter and a good moral message.
Shake weights, lots and lots of shake weights (www.buyshakeweightformen.com) you seem like the kind of guy who will love them.
A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.
1) buy gold-plated bazooka
2) insert in mouth
3) pull trigger
Pay the Chilean miners to go back in the hole.
too soon?
I’ve got a few ideas on how you could spend that money of yours. Meet me at Minetta’s tonight so I can share them with you. I’ll be the guy with at least a shred of class, you be the other guy so I know its you.
Dear BMMDI,
After you’ve landed in Vegas, swing by the Dairy Queen on Ames Ave in Omaha and we’ll have a chat about you joining my club.
http://dealbreaker.com/2010/08/billionaires-shamed-for-not-signing-up-for-gatesbuffett-pledge/
Your pal,
Warren
Bess, if he knows how much he’ll get he couldn’t possibly be killing it.
Bid up the price of dealbreaker?
HD DVD?!? WTF is he staying at, Red Roof Inn? Other than that I have no concerns.
I hear the Bill and Warren are looking for some extra cash ;-)
pretty sure he doesn’t say how much he’s getting.
Assless sheepskin chaps.
get yourself a nice pair of genuine alligator boots–for reals. nothing says ‘shitkicker’ like custom made boots for 5k.
You could invest in America by patching that ghastly crack in the sidewalk outside of Citadels Chicago HQ. A guy can barely make it over while carrying a briefcase now a days.
Well, if you’re gonna do Vegas, you need to do a Skyloft (at MGM). And if you want to blow a lot of money in style, there’s no better place than that….for the details, just tell the concierges what you like and they’ll set up the rest.
As for the whole giant tool thing…well, there’s nothing that needs to be said beyond whats already out there on that.
No one will even remember what he bought a hundred years from now.
-Guy Who Trots Out the Old “No One Will Remember..” Truism From Time to Time
buy the shake weight company.
Hire OptionsTrader to paste $20 bills all over his body and run through South Detroit, a la “The Kentucky Fried Movie”
I probably have an old rubber in my wallet that’s worth more than “his bonus”. Right Charlie?? Charlie!!
-Warren B
Omaha, NE
I probably have an old rubber in my wallet that’s worth more than “his bonus”. Right Charlie?? Charlie!!
-Warren B
Omaha, NE
Hire a few hundred actors to re-enact the invasion of Poland on the corner of 71st & Park.
Hire a few hundred actors to re-enact the invasion of Poland on the corner of 71st & Park.
And there’s people saying we shouldn’t hike taxes on douchebags like this…
All chaps are assless…i should know!
-P. Thiel
Or, you can blow it all on hats.
One word: Bonobos.
Heck, get two pairs if you’re feeling extra saucy.
Buy the NY Islanders and then move them to Oklahoma.
I suggest spending the money on some plane tickets, visit some of your old friends from college/hisgh school/kid across the street you grew up with. Then ask them the same question and have them rate your level of douchebagery on a scale of 1 to Patrick Bateman.
Finish every night at the most expensive hotel in town trying to line up the local talent with amazing stories of exotic places and great pitchbooks. Before going to bed, make sure you put on face cream since your 30s are now in full swing and you feel a bit insecure.
Fin
Wow, be a bigger Vegas neophyte.
Skylofts are for any schmuck off the street who wants to spend $800/night on a room. Real players don’t pay for rooms, they get comped villas. Try again next time, chump.
Wouldn’t the Rape of Nanking be more appropriate for that corner?
@Vicarious Adventurer – I agree. Thailand should be considered. The stuff you can get away with in Bangkok & Phuket puts LA, Vegas, NYC & Miami all to shame.
Hire a Baller to teach you a cooler way to hit on Bess.
Or matching suits and skateboards.
Let the last one out and have the day so they actually miss the daylight
executive rodeo chair.
You don’t need a theatre company for that, just one asshole jerking off to his résumé.
Is it possible to buy the last of an endangered species and have it prepared (i.e. cooked) to your liking? I think it would be sweet to know I ate the last american bald eagle, or panda, or whatever.
Hire the field next to 200 West. Invite DB readership. Buy kegs/top shelf liquor and Black Label burgers from Minetta. Hire band and dancing girls and boys Bring whatever cash you have left and give it to me. I promise to use it for worthy causes.
1. Buy one of these: http://www.iconaircraft.com/
2. Get 100,000 in singles, put in giant garbage bags (loosely packed)
3. Drive down the Vegas strip and take-off
4. Sprinkle money down the strip as you take-off
5. Rinse repeat down 5th Avenue
two chicks at the same time
One-way ticket to Mogadishu and a sandwich board that says “I HATE SKINNY’S”
When in New York, hire some lunatic to unravel that string of hair
Trump wraps around his head.
Easy there Terrance Watanabe, I believe it is the whales who get comped villas, and whales are the ones that lose all their money in the casinos. So go put on your armani exchange suit, watch Ocean’s 11 a few more times and go get comped… I am sure you can lose enough money to be a “real player”.
Suck it.
Suck it.
32 red, dumbass; Quit playing the penny slots..
How about instead he performs your Friday night routine with you – mainly paying a vagrant to stomp you and cry while downing boxes of white zinfandel and spunking into tissues full of your broken dreams.
Re-enact the past 10 years of JE in 5 weeks. Just remember to prepay your settlements before leaving the country again.
Bonus points for taking Billy and Bono with you on your trip to Africa.
How about instead he does your birthday special – mainly going to Vegas and paying 5 black guys to beat you senseless while you jerk off using your crying tears as lubricant.
bespoke everything
Put a down payment on a condo advertised in Dealbreaker.
He probably could afford 2 birds in a bush depending on the exchange rate.
Buy video camera. Buy two hundred pairs of expensive designer women’s shoes, stack the boxes in a pyramid atop a crate in the middle of a tarp covered in thick grease. Place installation in the middle of midtown around lunch time and film reaction from a safe place.
Buy multiple cases of 2oz liquor bottles. Fill up numerous small plastic bags with 30 to 40 mini-bottles. conveniently forget said bags all over the city, with large concentrations in parks known to attract destitute alcoholics. (we call this one trickle down stimulus)
Open bar party at some douchey spot with a very large capacity, with no list required. Don’t attend said party but watch out for it’s mention on Gawker and save the screenshot as evidence of your philanthropic inclinations
Buy 1000 MTA monthly passes and give them away
Constant stream of live play background music ala “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka”. Not the right scene, but genius non-the-less.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dipabvtCWeA
Sounds and feels like Kirk Andrew
Based on OptionsTrader’s response I would switch it up a bit, use the bonus to pay for classes for OptionsTrader on how not to be a giant tool. If there’s anything left over, tag along with him.
Purdey
I have some development property in Bean Town I could sell you for $100mm.
Let me know,
David
“Crying tears”?
In particular, hire the Dealbreaker commentariat to enact the “Beer Street – Gin Lane” series.
Russian-run pirate hunting cruise along the coast of somalia. Nothing like lighting up some 12-year old african children with mini-guns.
http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=79310
Forget it, he’s rolling.
Hire me as your tresurer! I’m fluent in 4 languages and will be more than happy to show you Eastern Europe
God damn I love this shit. Keep the funny ones coming. It’s the only reason I stick around here.
Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul.
And I hope that you die
And your death’ll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I’ll stand over your grave
‘Til I’m sure that you’re dead.
b dylan masters of war
Patek
Donate some of it
Chateau Petrus 2005 and a 1982
And…
If its that much, buy Dealbreaker from Breaking Media, which saves Bess from the marauders and you can give her the signing bonus she so rightfully deserves.
um, it’s about how much you play, not how much you lose. learn2gamble retard
Mass orgy. Notable persons should include:
1. Maxine Waters
2. Meg Whitman
3. HF daughter with that awful song
4. the naked cowboy
Sex tape not required.
Hire Big Jim Slade to pose as Obama at the Wall Street Equinox
Dude, don’t forget philip bailey’s contributions to “Easy Lover”
The odds, in every game in Vegas are on the house so the more you play the more you lose. In fact it is better that you play more since you will build up a more statistically meaningful set of events, lessening the impact of any single win. Ergo, it is about how much you lose. Learn simple statistics retard.
(Benevolent Suggestion, but perhaps too ambitious):
Okay, my suggestion is, start a school, or donate money to a small, successful school startup (that will use the money as you see fit). Stick it in some rural or urban area among poor whites, blacks, or others. Use your talents and connections to find matching funds and also create a little foundation to help fund the project over time. If we are talking small potatoes, start with a small building or foreclosed house, and just one grade, and work from there. You educate and employ at the same time.
Or
(Ridiculous self serving suggestion)
Find an underpaid working class white or black who wants to create a working man’s investment fund, loan them about $30K, and then bet your friends that they can (or can’t) turn that money into a serious pile of cash (a workingman’s pile, mind you). If it works, you benefit, if they fail, you get entertainment value and affirmation that connections, education, smarts cannot be outperformed by sheer “wannabeeness”. (Which also, would throw a powerful light on how Tea Party types are gonna screw up our nation more with their disdain of head knowledge).
Or
(I don’t really give a hoot about my money suggestion)
Treat everyone at the Thursday night private screening of “Burlesque” in Peoria (Az.) to free popcorn and drugs (which they will need after watching Christina and Cher trying to sing and be sexy). Fly your mom with you and make her happy (your real out of the va-JJ mom, and not like your mom’s lesbian lover who asks you to call her mom too).
Wow. Just wow.
Dat vas mein favorite movie, ja? Und I didn’t have to blow dat pricken Russ Meyer to get der part.
-Uschi Digard
As I sing loudly every time that stupid Journey song comes on, there’s no such thing as South Detroit. It’s called Canada.
Buy like 10,000 G6′s and set up car-minoes outside of 85 Broad. That’s right, not the Gulfstream, the Pontiac. When someone asks why, say “b/c I’m ballin’!”
STFU !!!
-Aubrey M
Trust Fund, OK
1. A lot of tastefully thick, bone-colored, watermarked business cards and a copy of Huey Lewis’ “Sports.” Raincoats and tarp if you’re feeling frisky.
2. John Thain’s credenza. Retail value is only like $70K, but the “political cost” is immeasurable.
3. Some toques for your return to the Calgary office after the holidays!
do a remake of oliver stone’s sell out POS money never sleeps and make sure gekko does go soft this time.
this is the most retarded attempt at satire i’ve ever seen. you’ve never made a decent bonus in your life.
Bess your friend is in Japan?
Hire someone to follow you arround with a smoke machine to add that air of mystique.
Throw a dinner party where the entertainment is a live bagpipe player playing feisty battle songs.
Record an album with the title: ‘Jon Bon Jovi ate my goldfish’
Buy every house in Southhampton and let gypsies live in them for free.
#2 just sounds like a Burns Night dinner in the UK
Considering it’s real, and your theory about his bonus history is categorically false, your anger and the extent to which this gotten you worked up is amusing.
eff you is right. The comps received at any casino are actaully dependent on length of play and average bet. While the losses are statistically likely over time, they are simply a derivative of this.
To the earlier point though, while I’m sure you got great pleasure out of calling me out with your snarky comments, Skylofts are still for chumps and I wouldn’t dress my PA in Armani Exchange (does that label even exist anymore?), let alone myself. Thanks for playing, try again next time.
But do they play battle songs? Do they?
True, that… make it Highland Park, perhaps.
True, that… make it Highland Park, perhaps.
Well you can’t exactly play “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” on the bagpipes.
Well you can’t exactly play “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” on the bagpipes.
I swore I was not going to get sucked into this, but I am not strong enough to help myself…
Guest/eff you (same person)
You don’t have a PA, in fact, with your remedial math skills you probably are a PA.
Losses are not a derivative of average bet and time spent playing, they are a function of them, which makes them directly dependent, oddly enough the comp program rewards those who play longer and bet more = lose more. By your twisted logic restaurants offer the “Buy 9, get the 10th Free” promotions not because they want your money but because they really want you standing in their store. I suppose the casinos give you free drinks while you gamble not to impair your judgment (which = lose more) but because deep down they really are altruistic? The losses aren’t “statistically likely” whatever that means; they are a certainty = why casinos want to keep you in their establishment.
Honestly, let the adults here do all the business/math stuff, you just keep us updated on Jersey Shore.
Unfortunately sports franchises are not acceptable collateral for our margin accounts. We’re going to need you to post cash
-Your broker
Is anyone even left in 85 Broad?
droppin some bills gets u more cuddle seshes
Cocaine. You must buy all the cocaine.
Ben, is that you?
For God’s sake don’t buy any decent 2005 claret. It won’t be ready for 15 years and you’ll just end up drinking it anyway one night when you’ve run out of Lambrusco.
My goodness, Dick, you cannot be that dense…can you?
I truly feel sorry for you – please, for the love of all that is human, don’t procreate.
1. Illinios senate seat.
2. Throne-litter and bearers.
3. Volcano lair.
4. Giant lasers.
5. Stretch Abrams main battle tank in gold.
6. “PSY WRRIOR” licence plate with little chain around it.
7. Kansas.
8. Hire PI to settle gender question of Gaga and Jamie Lee Curtis once and for all.
9. The Olsen twins and a time machine (min 15 years range).
10. Diplomatic immunity.
11. Bespoke wardrobe from Tom Ford (tailored to my teddy bear).
12. The moon.
13. Manned mission to moon to carve “Fuck Bono” into the surface in 1,000 mile high letters.
14. All of the rainforest (serious chickpoints to compensate for 5,6,8,9,11 and 13 above).
15. Subliminal ad campaign to convince all girls that their little dogs are in fact zombie rats.
But that’s just what I would do. You may prefer the tank in platinum if you’re fair skinned.
Or you could just give out king sized candy bars this Halloween.
Would a charitable donation be a bridge too far? Give society back a little of that cash you’re skimming off the top?
Cocaine shark.
Get out and don’t come back.
Do it like Michael Carroll.
Buy 16 Bentleys and play demolition car with your closest friends.
If necessary, hire 15 actors.
Take your best friends to St Tropez for a couple of weeks. Rent a villa or suites in The Byblos, and have lunch at the beach everyday, dinner in town. Rent a Riva. Guaranteed to have fun. Best to do this is from 1may till 5 oktober somewhere. You’re welcome. PS: I speak from experience