As a firm with one of the most daunting interview processes on Wall Street, in which candidates may be asked to come in 30 to 100 times, Goldman Sachs is uniquely qualified to offer tips to job seekers with regard to acing the meet and greet. Which is why one might find the video “Interview Skills” video they’ve posted on their site somewhat odd.

Nowhere does the British woman narrating say anything about the complex intimidation sessions or brain busters we’ve come to understand one applying for a job at Goldman is put through, nor does she mention anything about the rule Shia LaBeouf shared, which is that when taken out to lunch you have 5 seconds to decide what you want or you’re out of there.

In fact, the whole thing appears to be ripped from “Interviewing for Dummies,” offering pointers such as “know the job you’re applying for” and make sure you have directions before leaving your house. If a GS applicant were to watch the video the night before going in, he or she would probably feel pretty confident. “I know the name of the job I’m interviewing for,” he might say. “And I already MapQuested that shit days ago,” he might say to no one in particular, coming to the conclusion that basically, this thing was “in the bag.”

Which is exactly what they want you to think. That all you need to do is “know your resume” and memorize some bullshit story about why you want to work there.

Then, right when they get you feeling like you’re taking a warm bath in the middle of your comfort zone, you go in and BOOM! it’s hard as shit and totally different. Instead of some walk in the park, you’re being “behaviorally interviewed” at a “naked party” at Rich Kimballer’s secret back alley bungalow. It’s a planned, strategic mind-fuck, set up to separate the wheat from the chaff. Can you adapt? Or are you just a straight-laced uptight noob who will be shook by any deviation from what this trap had you expecting?

Goldman Sachs Interview Skills [GS via FINS]

25 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
Show all comments ↓

Comments (25)

  1. Posted by Shallow Thinker | November 11, 2010 at 8:34 PM

    The key to the whole GS interview process is expressive hand gestures. Note Mr. Blankfein’s regal “finger on the table” move and the way he presents his knuckles for kissing. Prospective applicants should be well versed in how to respond to such gestures.

    It should be noted that Mr. Viniar’s “fist clench” is an advanced move, and should not be attempted by anyone.

  2. Posted by guest | November 11, 2010 at 8:38 PM

    “It’s a planned, strategic mind-fuck, set up to separate the wheat from the chaff.”

    Do not be alarmed. Just shave your cranium before the interview.

  3. Posted by Guest | November 11, 2010 at 8:48 PM

    Look at those two bald assholes

  4. Posted by Anonymous | November 11, 2010 at 8:51 PM

    I have a dark suit and many red ties and blue shirts. If I shave my hair off, and it turns out that my head is slightly pointy, will I have an in at Goldman?

  5. Posted by Mitch Cumstein | November 11, 2010 at 8:52 PM

    GS,

    Call me.

    -LA

  6. Posted by John_Crudele@NYPost | November 11, 2010 at 8:58 PM

    I’d prefer they’d skip the mind-fuck thing. Instead just make the inteview process as follows:

    Have each candidate walk in there with the Everlasts on and be directed down to the company gym. After a brief warm up, and ritualistic insertion of the mouthguard, a gold curtain would part halfway across ring. For the first round you would box a vice president, the second, a director, and so on. Finally after 8 rounds, Lloyd himself. Whoever wins on points…hired.

  7. Posted by Guest | November 11, 2010 at 9:01 PM

    fail

  8. Posted by xel | November 11, 2010 at 9:04 PM

    in soviet russia, employees interview you!

  9. Posted by Truth hurts | November 11, 2010 at 9:05 PM

    GS: What makes Goldman Sachs different from your other investment bank opportunities?

    Me: You execute the same amount of business as your competitors yet your headcount is 30% lower, removing any glimmer of hope wrt to having a life. In addition, your nice culture pushes all the conflict under the surface, resulting in a bunch of political BS.

    GS: Anything else?

    Me: You frontrun your clients and make them feel stupid when they call you on it

    GS: When can you start?

  10. Posted by Truth hurts | November 11, 2010 at 9:05 PM

    GS: What makes Goldman Sachs different from your other investment bank opportunities?

    Me: You execute the same amount of business as your competitors yet your headcount is 30% lower, removing any glimmer of hope wrt to having a life. In addition, your nice culture pushes all the conflict under the surface, resulting in a bunch of political BS.

    GS: Anything else?

    Me: You frontrun your clients and make them feel stupid when they call you on it

    GS: When can you start?

  11. Posted by Shallow Thinker | November 11, 2010 at 10:23 PM

    seems that way.

  12. Posted by gaytrader | November 11, 2010 at 11:00 PM

    what has this world come to? either that or we are being trolled

  13. Posted by Shallow Thinker | November 11, 2010 at 11:01 PM

    I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  14. Posted by Dead_Cat | November 12, 2010 at 2:33 PM

    Goldman Sachs pitch:

    We will screw you, in every position in every orifice and you will be honoured to lie there and take it because we are Goldman Sachs. Not only will you take it but you will pay double for the privilege. See we are the only investment bank that understand how to be an investment bank: you want us in your corner. You certainly don’t want us against you. Now kiss the squid.

  15. Posted by Paul's Ghost | November 12, 2010 at 2:44 PM

    Does it have to be a squid, or will any cephalapod do?

  16. Posted by Larry | November 12, 2010 at 4:31 PM

    Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime!

  17. Posted by 2 men enter, 1 man leaves | November 12, 2010 at 5:08 PM

    Thunderdome

  18. Posted by Giggidy | November 12, 2010 at 5:24 PM

    fail

  19. Posted by Guest | November 12, 2010 at 9:03 PM

    They interviewed me twice, once during senior year in college and once when i already had a few yrs experience after grad school. None of these stupid stories about intimidation are true. These were normal interviews. And after talking to like 4 people once they asked if I was interested and I said no.

  20. Posted by LewisWinthorpeIII | November 11, 2010 at 9:42 PM

    By my 19th interview at Goldman they had already given me a project to work on for the firm–making the Interview Skills video. I wasn’t sure it was appropriate for me to spearhead this project but as I wanted to seem enthusiastic about the job, I obliged and did the best I could. After I presented my work to a conference room full of MDs for my 27th interview, I was informed by a company spokesman that my video was too honest, too revealing. My work was destroyed in a fantastic blaze at the Linden Cogeneration plant later that day and GS began production on a new video internally. Not only did I not get the job, but I was sued to the tune of $2 million for the work that I had voluntarily done for them.

    It was the most fantastic experience of my life and I consider it a bargain.

  21. Posted by Guest | November 11, 2010 at 10:54 PM

    Reply of the day! Bravo.

  22. Posted by MD | January 11, 2011 at 8:18 PM

    Ah, so they rejected you.

  23. Posted by Lesley Mclamb | September 19, 2012 at 3:12 AM

    Some good little ideas there. Man it’s hard sometimes to do the backlinks thing. No wonder so many persons seek to automate it! But I think a bit of very good old elbow grease is the way forward, contacting sites similar or linked to your own and just talking to them. Excellent things will occur for sure.

  24. Posted by Angelyn Gullatt | September 19, 2012 at 7:53 PM

    hmm that may be really interesting. I wonder why it’s that much. Maybe they know something we you should not about the long term of IDNs’ ???

  25. Posted by وظائف في جدة | June 21, 2013 at 5:13 AM

    A terrific tutorial that will guide us about interview and I really pleased to know as it will help me alot.