Mark Haines thinks things while perched atop the roof of his car, in a photograph submitted by his son to be published in an upcoming book entitled “My Dad Is A Bro.” [BB]
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- Use the Bloomberg command
NH BLG_DEALBREAKER <GO>
to access Dealbreaker
“Meow Meow Meow Meow Fuck Burnett Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow”
Reason #24 You shouldn’t let your teenage daughters host sleepovers: neighbors like Mark Haines
And yes, he cut out a hole in his jacket pocket.
Say Anything, Pt. 2
8 year olds, dude
“This hairspray doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe I’ll try shellac.”
It was an irredeemable outrage and the history books will agree with me and not that stupid bitch. Punch me in the nose indeed!
“I wonder if McDonald’s is still serving breakfast?”
There’s the Mark Haines I know–ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag…and friends with faggots!
“i should be able to get a clear shot of from here.”
down the street from Barney Frank’s house:
‘I should be able to get a good shot from here.’
Can someone tell me why he’s fishing on a residential street?
Can someone tell me why he’s fishing on a residential street?
Arr Dey stil tekin pikturz fur “My Dad Is a Bro”?
-Precious
Am I too early for the Tea Party rally?
The camera will pan to what he’s looking at for the exciting sequel “My Mom is a Ho”.
“It’s bad enough my son is the lacrosse team photographer, but does he really have to make me watch the games he ISN’T playing in?”
My bum is on a truck, my bum is on a truck, and if I get lucky, my show will cease to suck.
Hey Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?
Ooops…did somebody put him up there and forget to take him down?
“Who am I?”
“Who am I?”
I hate the Coast Guard more than the Pentagon and Marine Corps Museum combined
Humpty Dumpty looks like shit.
Looks like he is taking a dump through the sunroof. Is that even his SUV?
ok that made me snarf my coffee
That’s not his SUV, that’s his 401k.
I like to drink orange juice on the top of my car watching my wife getting fked by a stranger.
His son clearly is not a bro, unless there’s something in this scene not captured in the picture, I can’t possibly figure out how drinking a screwdriver out of a solo cup while perched atop one’s Tahoe with a weedwacker (?) is a bro move…
His son is right. Sperrys with sweatpants is extremely bro.
looks like a frustrated fisherman … but, wait, what is that right hand doing ?
The paved wave never fades
“Braugh, I think I can see my house from here”
thats cause you suck
With the window open for extra performance boost. Awesome.
“My daddy is a fat fucking hobo”
Ok, call me slow on the uptake but it just hadn’t dawned on me that the man wears a piece for the cameras. What are they going to reveal next– that MCC uses chicken fillet enhancements?!
How’s that “Dislike” button coming along? Would shure be handy right about now…
“Haines threatens suicide again, nobody pays attention”
I hope Maria leaves the curtains open again!
Installing his own antenna? Didn’t he hear what happened to Bo Diaz?
Smoking a Marlboro in Marlboro, NJ.
According to my calculations, the roof of that SUV will cave in 5…4….3….2….1…
-aig quant
He used all the proceeds from his 7,500 shares of Bear Stearns to buy that Chevy Tahoe.
The Sexy Stupidity of CNBC
Ok….I will admit it up-front: I do watch CNBC. Why I watch CNBC, I am not sure. Its surely isn’t for the cutting-edge economic analysis, nor the dynamic program content or the even temper of the pundits. I guess the sad, awful truth is it has more to do with tits and asses than anything else. Of course, the loss of Liz Claman to Fox Business certainly did not help in that respect, but there are still ample reasons to keep the channel firmly locked on CNBC, with the volume necessarily muted.
If there is one person (other than Jim Cramer and Larry Kudlow) whose opinion I value less than all others, it is Michelle Caruso Cabrera. Politically she is an absolute fucking idiot. She is so biased to the political right, and so sure of the supreme wisdom of unfettered capitalism, that she reminds me of one of those Picasso paintings of a man with one eye on one side of his head….blind to all except the narrow angle of vision of that one eye. But, as long as the volume is muted, then it is kind of perversely enjoyable to watch her flash her fake tits through those tight sweaters. The only problem with this scenario is that even with her scorching voice muted…you can watch her face and sink into a grinding rage because you know exactly what she is saying: When she sticks her tits into Robert Reich’s liberal face and those lipstick-slashed lips start hammering away like a top fuel hemi….you just know she is calling him a fuckwit for ever doubting the conservative, capitalistic wisdom of Enron and Glenn Beck. Or, conversely, she is admonishing him for believing that Social Security is kind of a nice thing for old, poor people to have.
And, there is B-cup Burnett. Ok, she kinda fall’s short in the pulchritude department, and her nose is more Cyrano De Berjerac’s than Mona Lisa’s, but she does at least try to maintain a more muted capitalist rabidity than does MCC (Michael Pinto notwithstanding). She has a decent ass, of sorts, is not knock-kneed like MCC, and as long as you look at her face in frontal view instead of profile, as a Money Honey she stacks up reasonably high on the erecto-meter.
The newest bank skank to debut on CNBC is the undoubtedly sexy Amanda Drury. This Aussie import is a welcomed addition to the existing lineup of credit cunts. I really have no idea what her ideology is, nor do I care….but she does have a fine arts degree, so probably finds Larry Kudlow to be a barely tolerable ass….even when he is coked up. Despite all her charms, there is one problem with her…..her teeth look vaguely crocodilian, but is made up for because unlike MCC, who acts like a carnivore, she just looks like one.
I guess at some point I have to mention some of the male lineup here: Jim Cramer, well…he doesn’t have tits, and although he is an ass, he doesn’t seem to have much of one. If one had to pick somebody in the world NOT to take investment advice from, JC would top the list. This guy changes his opinion like Maria Bartiromo changes her hair styles. He is all over the map. One day, King Kong Amyl Nitrates is a BUY BUY BUY…..and the very next day the KKAN CEO is up one the Wall of Shame and their future outlook wallowing in the House of Pain. He is also a shameless bastard in that he uses ever opportunity to tout himself……not being able to form a paragraph without it being wrapped around his “Charitable Trust” or the fact that he was once a Hedge Fund manager – albeit a crooked one. Well, anybody these days who is proud of being a Hedge Fund manager is either a damn fool, or is totally insane….both being highly descriptive of our boy Cramer.
No treatise on televised finance would be complete without mention of the poster boy of coke-head economists: Larry Kudlow. Larry is of course a confirmed free marketeer, and a rabid Republican….and proud of both. Never mind that Larry is almost always wrong – that is to be expected from any economic prognosticator who is stupid enough to broadcast his opinions on national TV, what bothers me about him is the tone of his show: argumentative, confrontational and full of sage, dumb-fuck advise. Another thing unfortunate about Larry is when he gets his motor boat going on some Keynesian crap he works himself up into such a lather he starts sounding like an 80 year old woman who has just discovered speed. But, I love Larry. He failed upward so successfully that it should give everyone hope that if he can do it, so can the most despicable loser in Christendom.
Dennis Kneale. I only mention this wonky bed-wetter because CNBC finally smartened up enough to fire his miserable ass.
Most of the other male pundits on CNBC are duller than stale dishwater. Mark Haines has a reasonable sense of humor, and does manage to carry on some reasonably interesting banter with B-cup Burnett, even if it is about tomatoes. The only thing I can pass on about David Faber is that the CNBC producers need to provide him with either elevator heels or a lift stool. Simon Hobbs seems to be some sort of off-handed Euro-trash addition, mainly for his accent, since there seems to be no other apparent reason for hiring him.
I don’t wake up early enough anymore to listen to Joe Kernan, which subconsciously is probably why I sleep late anyway. Bob Pisani is pretty vanilla in a tiresome kind of way. No matter what is happening in the market, Pisani always seems to have a seemingly well thought out answer….if shares in Tampex is down and stock in Gorilla Dildos is up, Bob can be counted on to lay out some complex divergence scenario at play in the underlying linked fundamentals. It’s all bullshit of course, but it sounds good to the idiot producers and probably sends what few fools who are still trading in the market running to their computers to calculate the PE ratios of both companies. Rick Santelli….the Great Santelli, the father of the Tea Party Crowd. The Rickster is probably my favorite hairy-legged type on financial TV. He always seems to be surrounded by drama – standing in the pit in Chicago with a bunch of bond-trading thugs. And, he always manages to piss Steve Liesman off….and anyone who can send Liesman chasing around after his own tail in impotent rage, is my kind of guy. An odd thing about Rick, although he may be the most financial savvy pundit on CNBC, he seems in a curious way to have backed away from the whole Tea Party thing. Maybe it is just me, but he seems oddly embarrassed about the whole thing…..and I can almost sense his palpable derision at some of the crap his CNBC colleagues come up with.
Ok, enough of that shit…back to the LIBOR whores. Sue Herrera is the lynchpin of CNBC in that she has been there the longest. For obvious reasons, Sue will never flash her tits or wiggle her ass for the benefit of the viewers. For one, she probably considers it beneath her, and second….well, she is fatter than a market hog. She is not bad looking in the face for an oldster, and probably is passable in a closing time/beer goggle sense. As far as I am concerned, she is more of a volume ON type.
Bertha Coombs seems pretty bright, and she is kind of sexy in a mature, Cuban kind of way. She does however, seem like a pretty tough broad: somebody who would slit you throat, then kick you in the nuts as you lay dying for bleeding on her shoes. Sharon Epperson is kind of cute, and she seems vulnerable standing there in the trading pit of the New York Mercantile Exchange. We rarely get any body shots on her, so it is hard to tell how hot she really is.
I can’t really put my finger on Melissa Lee. She is Asian, which should be a plus, but she is SO Asian it seems to have a boomerang effect. Her body seems to have all the required parts, but they seem to be put together by a weird kind of genetics that has more in common with Leggos than female biology.
Trish Regan, Becky Quick and, Julia Boorstin I lump together as all certainly being fuckable…but not near as sexy or as intriguing as Diana Olick….plus, Olick knows what the fuck she is talking about. Suzie Orman is like all other personal financial advisers in that she has the same dim-witted advice, but from a sex standpoint, forget it. No matter how they shade her makeup, comb her hair or try to jam her fat ass in Barbie clothes, she is a non-starter. She couldn’t get humped on a bad night in Juarez.
Melissa Francis cannot get out of the shadow of her own loud mouth. She sounds like a bullfruit with bad adenoids, or a Larry Kudlow with balls. But, I guess she might be decent in bed, if you could shut her up. Wait a minute…did I just say that? No, that ball-busting bitch would critique you on everything from the shape of the bones in your knees to your politics. Fuck that.
And, we are finally here….the original Money Honey herself. Maria Bartiromo. Nobody seems to really know how old she, but she never seems to age beyond 40. Her classic Italian beauty has not really changed much in the last 20 years…oh yeah, her ass has ballooned out some, and her thighs probably look like mutant beer brats, but covered up and coiffured she is still one of the hottest. Of course, she certainly takes advantage of the people she covers, well, mainly their private airplanes, and if you stripped the words “new money” and “environment” from her vocabulary she would barely be eloquent enough to call the hogs. But, she remains an institution in herself – and one ultimately not to be fucked with: If you want to get into that, ask Dylan Ratigan.
I do not have one slim dime invested in the stock market. I do not own a single bond or covet any commodity. Yet, I watch CNBC. And, Ok….I shamefully admit that I do not always keep the volume down…only when Kudlow or MCC comes on. It is, after all, difficult to track which set of tits might be front-and-center without the voice cues. If CNBC would fire Kudlow and Francis (who refuses to dress sexy), and maybe keep Melissa Lee – who knows, I might get horny for Cubism at some point, and yes, unfortunately…keep MCC….but gag her and dress her up in a halter top, and only air above-waist shots….And oh yeah, Hire Liz Claman back from Fox, she is wasted over there, they dress her up like a fucking school-marm. And just for my sake, do some reversion back to the old days…..cleavage, tight sweaters, and that pouty-lip look like she is fixing to suck the wide-angle lens off the snout of an IMAX camera. That just might make the nut.
Yes, CNBC is stupid, biased and the center of their universe revolves around a subject most people find boring and frankly criminal. But, it is no worse than most sitcoms and reality shows. And even the totally beastly Michelle Caruso Cabrera, with her cock-sure bias and black, Republican heart, has tits that most prime-time actresses would pay for, like well…she did.
The Sexy Stupidity of CNBC
Ok….I will admit it up-front: I do watch CNBC. Why I watch CNBC, I am not sure. Its surely isn’t for the cutting-edge economic analysis, nor the dynamic program content or the even temper of the pundits. I guess the sad, awful truth is it has more to do with tits and asses than anything else. Of course, the loss of Liz Claman to Fox Business certainly did not help in that respect, but there are still ample reasons to keep the channel firmly locked on CNBC, with the volume necessarily muted.
If there is one person (other than Jim Cramer and Larry Kudlow) whose opinion I value less than all others, it is Michelle Caruso Cabrera. Politically she is an absolute fucking idiot. She is so biased to the political right, and so sure of the supreme wisdom of unfettered capitalism, that she reminds me of one of those Picasso paintings of a man with one eye on one side of his head….blind to all except the narrow angle of vision of that one eye. But, as long as the volume is muted, then it is kind of perversely enjoyable to watch her flash her fake tits through those tight sweaters. The only problem with this scenario is that even with her scorching voice muted…you can watch her face and sink into a grinding rage because you know exactly what she is saying: When she sticks her tits into Robert Reich’s liberal face and those lipstick-slashed lips start hammering away like a top fuel hemi….you just know she is calling him a fuckwit for ever doubting the conservative, capitalistic wisdom of Enron and Glenn Beck. Or, conversely, she is admonishing him for believing that Social Security is kind of a nice thing for old, poor people to have.
And, there is B-cup Burnett. Ok, she kinda fall’s short in the pulchritude department, and her nose is more Cyrano De Berjerac’s than Mona Lisa’s, but she does at least try to maintain a more muted capitalist rabidity than does MCC (Michael Pinto notwithstanding). She has a decent ass, of sorts, is not knock-kneed like MCC, and as long as you look at her face in frontal view instead of profile, as a Money Honey she stacks up reasonably high on the erecto-meter.
The newest bank skank to debut on CNBC is the undoubtedly sexy Amanda Drury. This Aussie import is a welcomed addition to the existing lineup of credit cunts. I really have no idea what her ideology is, nor do I care….but she does have a fine arts degree, so probably finds Larry Kudlow to be a barely tolerable ass….even when he is coked up. Despite all her charms, there is one problem with her…..her teeth look vaguely crocodilian, but is made up for because unlike MCC, who acts like a carnivore, she just looks like one.
I guess at some point I have to mention some of the male lineup here: Jim Cramer, well…he doesn’t have tits, and although he is an ass, he doesn’t seem to have much of one. If one had to pick somebody in the world NOT to take investment advice from, JC would top the list. This guy changes his opinion like Maria Bartiromo changes her hair styles. He is all over the map. One day, King Kong Amyl Nitrates is a BUY BUY BUY…..and the very next day the KKAN CEO is up one the Wall of Shame and their future outlook wallowing in the House of Pain. He is also a shameless bastard in that he uses ever opportunity to tout himself……not being able to form a paragraph without it being wrapped around his “Charitable Trust” or the fact that he was once a Hedge Fund manager – albeit a crooked one. Well, anybody these days who is proud of being a Hedge Fund manager is either a damn fool, or is totally insane….both being highly descriptive of our boy Cramer.
No treatise on televised finance would be complete without mention of the poster boy of coke-head economists: Larry Kudlow. Larry is of course a confirmed free marketeer, and a rabid Republican….and proud of both. Never mind that Larry is almost always wrong – that is to be expected from any economic prognosticator who is stupid enough to broadcast his opinions on national TV, what bothers me about him is the tone of his show: argumentative, confrontational and full of sage, dumb-fuck advise. Another thing unfortunate about Larry is when he gets his motor boat going on some Keynesian crap he works himself up into such a lather he starts sounding like an 80 year old woman who has just discovered speed. But, I love Larry. He failed upward so successfully that it should give everyone hope that if he can do it, so can the most despicable loser in Christendom.
Dennis Kneale. I only mention this wonky bed-wetter because CNBC finally smartened up enough to fire his miserable ass.
Most of the other male pundits on CNBC are duller than stale dishwater. Mark Haines has a reasonable sense of humor, and does manage to carry on some reasonably interesting banter with B-cup Burnett, even if it is about tomatoes. The only thing I can pass on about David Faber is that the CNBC producers need to provide him with either elevator heels or a lift stool. Simon Hobbs seems to be some sort of off-handed Euro-trash addition, mainly for his accent, since there seems to be no other apparent reason for hiring him.
I don’t wake up early enough anymore to listen to Joe Kernan, which subconsciously is probably why I sleep late anyway. Bob Pisani is pretty vanilla in a tiresome kind of way. No matter what is happening in the market, Pisani always seems to have a seemingly well thought out answer….if shares in Tampex is down and stock in Gorilla Dildos is up, Bob can be counted on to lay out some complex divergence scenario at play in the underlying linked fundamentals. It’s all bullshit of course, but it sounds good to the idiot producers and probably sends what few fools who are still trading in the market running to their computers to calculate the PE ratios of both companies. Rick Santelli….the Great Santelli, the father of the Tea Party Crowd. The Rickster is probably my favorite hairy-legged type on financial TV. He always seems to be surrounded by drama – standing in the pit in Chicago with a bunch of bond-trading thugs. And, he always manages to piss Steve Liesman off….and anyone who can send Liesman chasing around after his own tail in impotent rage, is my kind of guy. An odd thing about Rick, although he may be the most financial savvy pundit on CNBC, he seems in a curious way to have backed away from the whole Tea Party thing. Maybe it is just me, but he seems oddly embarrassed about the whole thing…..and I can almost sense his palpable derision at some of the crap his CNBC colleagues come up with.
Ok, enough of that shit…back to the LIBOR whores. Sue Herrera is the lynchpin of CNBC in that she has been there the longest. For obvious reasons, Sue will never flash her tits or wiggle her ass for the benefit of the viewers. For one, she probably considers it beneath her, and second….well, she is fatter than a market hog. She is not bad looking in the face for an oldster, and probably is passable in a closing time/beer goggle sense. As far as I am concerned, she is more of a volume ON type.
Bertha Coombs seems pretty bright, and she is kind of sexy in a mature, Cuban kind of way. She does however, seem like a pretty tough broad: somebody who would slit you throat, then kick you in the nuts as you lay dying for bleeding on her shoes. Sharon Epperson is kind of cute, and she seems vulnerable standing there in the trading pit of the New York Mercantile Exchange. We rarely get any body shots on her, so it is hard to tell how hot she really is.
I can’t really put my finger on Melissa Lee. She is Asian, which should be a plus, but she is SO Asian it seems to have a boomerang effect. Her body seems to have all the required parts, but they seem to be put together by a weird kind of genetics that has more in common with Leggos than female biology.
Trish Regan, Becky Quick and, Julia Boorstin I lump together as all certainly being fuckable…but not near as sexy or as intriguing as Diana Olick….plus, Olick knows what the fuck she is talking about. Suzie Orman is like all other personal financial advisers in that she has the same dim-witted advice, but from a sex standpoint, forget it. No matter how they shade her makeup, comb her hair or try to jam her fat ass in Barbie clothes, she is a non-starter. She couldn’t get humped on a bad night in Juarez.
Melissa Francis cannot get out of the shadow of her own loud mouth. She sounds like a bullfruit with bad adenoids, or a Larry Kudlow with balls. But, I guess she might be decent in bed, if you could shut her up. Wait a minute…did I just say that? No, that ball-busting bitch would critique you on everything from the shape of the bones in your knees to your politics. Fuck that.
And, we are finally here….the original Money Honey herself. Maria Bartiromo. Nobody seems to really know how old she, but she never seems to age beyond 40. Her classic Italian beauty has not really changed much in the last 20 years…oh yeah, her ass has ballooned out some, and her thighs probably look like mutant beer brats, but covered up and coiffured she is still one of the hottest. Of course, she certainly takes advantage of the people she covers, well, mainly their private airplanes, and if you stripped the words “new money” and “environment” from her vocabulary she would barely be eloquent enough to call the hogs. But, she remains an institution in herself – and one ultimately not to be fucked with: If you want to get into that, ask Dylan Ratigan.
I do not have one slim dime invested in the stock market. I do not own a single bond or covet any commodity. Yet, I watch CNBC. And, Ok….I shamefully admit that I do not always keep the volume down…only when Kudlow or MCC comes on. It is, after all, difficult to track which set of tits might be front-and-center without the voice cues. If CNBC would fire Kudlow and Francis (who refuses to dress sexy), and maybe keep Melissa Lee – who knows, I might get horny for Cubism at some point, and yes, unfortunately…keep MCC….but gag her and dress her up in a halter top, and only air above-waist shots….And oh yeah, Hire Liz Claman back from Fox, she is wasted over there, they dress her up like a fucking school-marm. And just for my sake, do some reversion back to the old days…..cleavage, tight sweaters, and that pouty-lip look like she is fixing to suck the wide-angle lens off the snout of an IMAX camera. That just might make the nut.
Yes, CNBC is stupid, biased and the center of their universe revolves around a subject most people find boring and frankly criminal. But, it is no worse than most sitcoms and reality shows. And even the totally beastly Michelle Caruso Cabrera, with her cock-sure bias and black, Republican heart, has tits that most prime-time actresses would pay for, like well…she did.
The Sexy Stupidity of CNBC
Ok….I will admit it up-front: I do watch CNBC. Why I watch CNBC, I am not sure. Its surely isn’t for the cutting-edge economic analysis, nor the dynamic program content or the even temper of the pundits. I guess the sad, awful truth is it has more to do with tits and asses than anything else. Of course, the loss of Liz Claman to Fox Business certainly did not help in that respect, but there are still ample reasons to keep the channel firmly locked on CNBC, with the volume necessarily muted.
If there is one person (other than Jim Cramer and Larry Kudlow) whose opinion I value less than all others, it is Michelle Caruso Cabrera. Politically she is an absolute fucking idiot. She is so biased to the political right, and so sure of the supreme wisdom of unfettered capitalism, that she reminds me of one of those Picasso paintings of a man with one eye on one side of his head….blind to all except the narrow angle of vision of that one eye. But, as long as the volume is muted, then it is kind of perversely enjoyable to watch her flash her fake tits through those tight sweaters. The only problem with this scenario is that even with her scorching voice muted…you can watch her face and sink into a grinding rage because you know exactly what she is saying: When she sticks her tits into Robert Reich’s liberal face and those lipstick-slashed lips start hammering away like a top fuel hemi….you just know she is calling him a fuckwit for ever doubting the conservative, capitalistic wisdom of Enron and Glenn Beck. Or, conversely, she is admonishing him for believing that Social Security is kind of a nice thing for old, poor people to have.
And, there is B-cup Burnett. Ok, she kinda fall’s short in the pulchritude department, and her nose is more Cyrano De Berjerac’s than Mona Lisa’s, but she does at least try to maintain a more muted capitalist rabidity than does MCC (Michael Pinto notwithstanding). She has a decent ass, of sorts, is not knock-kneed like MCC, and as long as you look at her face in frontal view instead of profile, as a Money Honey she stacks up reasonably high on the erecto-meter.
The newest bank skank to debut on CNBC is the undoubtedly sexy Amanda Drury. This Aussie import is a welcomed addition to the existing lineup of credit cunts. I really have no idea what her ideology is, nor do I care….but she does have a fine arts degree, so probably finds Larry Kudlow to be a barely tolerable ass….even when he is coked up. Despite all her charms, there is one problem with her…..her teeth look vaguely crocodilian, but is made up for because unlike MCC, who acts like a carnivore, she just looks like one.
I guess at some point I have to mention some of the male lineup here: Jim Cramer, well…he doesn’t have tits, and although he is an ass, he doesn’t seem to have much of one. If one had to pick somebody in the world NOT to take investment advice from, JC would top the list. This guy changes his opinion like Maria Bartiromo changes her hair styles. He is all over the map. One day, King Kong Amyl Nitrates is a BUY BUY BUY…..and the very next day the KKAN CEO is up one the Wall of Shame and their future outlook wallowing in the House of Pain. He is also a shameless bastard in that he uses ever opportunity to tout himself……not being able to form a paragraph without it being wrapped around his “Charitable Trust” or the fact that he was once a Hedge Fund manager – albeit a crooked one. Well, anybody these days who is proud of being a Hedge Fund manager is either a damn fool, or is totally insane….both being highly descriptive of our boy Cramer.
No treatise on televised finance would be complete without mention of the poster boy of coke-head economists: Larry Kudlow. Larry is of course a confirmed free marketeer, and a rabid Republican….and proud of both. Never mind that Larry is almost always wrong – that is to be expected from any economic prognosticator who is stupid enough to broadcast his opinions on national TV, what bothers me about him is the tone of his show: argumentative, confrontational and full of sage, dumb-fuck advise. Another thing unfortunate about Larry is when he gets his motor boat going on some Keynesian crap he works himself up into such a lather he starts sounding like an 80 year old woman who has just discovered speed. But, I love Larry. He failed upward so successfully that it should give everyone hope that if he can do it, so can the most despicable loser in Christendom.
Dennis Kneale. I only mention this wonky bed-wetter because CNBC finally smartened up enough to fire his miserable ass.
Most of the other male pundits on CNBC are duller than stale dishwater. Mark Haines has a reasonable sense of humor, and does manage to carry on some reasonably interesting banter with B-cup Burnett, even if it is about tomatoes. The only thing I can pass on about David Faber is that the CNBC producers need to provide him with either elevator heels or a lift stool. Simon Hobbs seems to be some sort of off-handed Euro-trash addition, mainly for his accent, since there seems to be no other apparent reason for hiring him.
I don’t wake up early enough anymore to listen to Joe Kernan, which subconsciously is probably why I sleep late anyway. Bob Pisani is pretty vanilla in a tiresome kind of way. No matter what is happening in the market, Pisani always seems to have a seemingly well thought out answer….if shares in Tampex is down and stock in Gorilla Dildos is up, Bob can be counted on to lay out some complex divergence scenario at play in the underlying linked fundamentals. It’s all bullshit of course, but it sounds good to the idiot producers and probably sends what few fools who are still trading in the market running to their computers to calculate the PE ratios of both companies. Rick Santelli….the Great Santelli, the father of the Tea Party Crowd. The Rickster is probably my favorite hairy-legged type on financial TV. He always seems to be surrounded by drama – standing in the pit in Chicago with a bunch of bond-trading thugs. And, he always manages to piss Steve Liesman off….and anyone who can send Liesman chasing around after his own tail in impotent rage, is my kind of guy. An odd thing about Rick, although he may be the most financial savvy pundit on CNBC, he seems in a curious way to have backed away from the whole Tea Party thing. Maybe it is just me, but he seems oddly embarrassed about the whole thing…..and I can almost sense his palpable derision at some of the crap his CNBC colleagues come up with.
Ok, enough of that shit…back to the LIBOR whores. Sue Herrera is the lynchpin of CNBC in that she has been there the longest. For obvious reasons, Sue will never flash her tits or wiggle her ass for the benefit of the viewers. For one, she probably considers it beneath her, and second….well, she is fatter than a market hog. She is not bad looking in the face for an oldster, and probably is passable in a closing time/beer goggle sense. As far as I am concerned, she is more of a volume ON type.
Bertha Coombs seems pretty bright, and she is kind of sexy in a mature, Cuban kind of way. She does however, seem like a pretty tough broad: somebody who would slit you throat, then kick you in the nuts as you lay dying for bleeding on her shoes. Sharon Epperson is kind of cute, and she seems vulnerable standing there in the trading pit of the New York Mercantile Exchange. We rarely get any body shots on her, so it is hard to tell how hot she really is.
I can’t really put my finger on Melissa Lee. She is Asian, which should be a plus, but she is SO Asian it seems to have a boomerang effect. Her body seems to have all the required parts, but they seem to be put together by a weird kind of genetics that has more in common with Leggos than female biology.
Trish Regan, Becky Quick and, Julia Boorstin I lump together as all certainly being fuckable…but not near as sexy or as intriguing as Diana Olick….plus, Olick knows what the fuck she is talking about. Suzie Orman is like all other personal financial advisers in that she has the same dim-witted advice, but from a sex standpoint, forget it. No matter how they shade her makeup, comb her hair or try to jam her fat ass in Barbie clothes, she is a non-starter. She couldn’t get humped on a bad night in Juarez.
Melissa Francis cannot get out of the shadow of her own loud mouth. She sounds like a bullfruit with bad adenoids, or a Larry Kudlow with balls. But, I guess she might be decent in bed, if you could shut her up. Wait a minute…did I just say that? No, that ball-busting bitch would critique you on everything from the shape of the bones in your knees to your politics. Fuck that.
And, we are finally here….the original Money Honey herself. Maria Bartiromo. Nobody seems to really know how old she, but she never seems to age beyond 40. Her classic Italian beauty has not really changed much in the last 20 years…oh yeah, her ass has ballooned out some, and her thighs probably look like mutant beer brats, but covered up and coiffured she is still one of the hottest. Of course, she certainly takes advantage of the people she covers, well, mainly their private airplanes, and if you stripped the words “new money” and “environment” from her vocabulary she would barely be eloquent enough to call the hogs. But, she remains an institution in herself – and one ultimately not to be fucked with: If you want to get into that, ask Dylan Ratigan.
I do not have one slim dime invested in the stock market. I do not own a single bond or covet any commodity. Yet, I watch CNBC. And, Ok….I shamefully admit that I do not always keep the volume down…only when Kudlow or MCC comes on. It is, after all, difficult to track which set of tits might be front-and-center without the voice cues. If CNBC would fire Kudlow and Francis (who refuses to dress sexy), and maybe keep Melissa Lee – who knows, I might get horny for Cubism at some point, and yes, unfortunately…keep MCC….but gag her and dress her up in a halter top, and only air above-waist shots….And oh yeah, Hire Liz Claman back from Fox, she is wasted over there, they dress her up like a fucking school-marm. And just for my sake, do some reversion back to the old days…..cleavage, tight sweaters, and that pouty-lip look like she is fixing to suck the wide-angle lens off the snout of an IMAX camera. That just might make the nut.
Yes, CNBC is stupid, biased and the center of their universe revolves around a subject most people find boring and frankly criminal. But, it is no worse than most sitcoms and reality shows. And even the totally beastly Michelle Caruso Cabrera, with her cock-sure bias and black, Republican heart, has tits that most prime-time actresses would pay for, like well…she did.
The Sexy Stupidity of CNBC
Ok….I will admit it up-front: I do watch CNBC. Why I watch CNBC, I am not sure. Its surely isn’t for the cutting-edge economic analysis, nor the dynamic program content or the even temper of the pundits. I guess the sad, awful truth is it has more to do with tits and asses than anything else. Of course, the loss of Liz Claman to Fox Business certainly did not help in that respect, but there are still ample reasons to keep the channel firmly locked on CNBC, with the volume necessarily muted.
If there is one person (other than Jim Cramer and Larry Kudlow) whose opinion I value less than all others, it is Michelle Caruso Cabrera. Politically she is an absolute fucking idiot. She is so biased to the political right, and so sure of the supreme wisdom of unfettered capitalism, that she reminds me of one of those Picasso paintings of a man with one eye on one side of his head….blind to all except the narrow angle of vision of that one eye. But, as long as the volume is muted, then it is kind of perversely enjoyable to watch her flash her fake tits through those tight sweaters. The only problem with this scenario is that even with her scorching voice muted…you can watch her face and sink into a grinding rage because you know exactly what she is saying: When she sticks her tits into Robert Reich’s liberal face and those lipstick-slashed lips start hammering away like a top fuel hemi….you just know she is calling him a fuckwit for ever doubting the conservative, capitalistic wisdom of Enron and Glenn Beck. Or, conversely, she is admonishing him for believing that Social Security is kind of a nice thing for old, poor people to have.
And, there is B-cup Burnett. Ok, she kinda fall’s short in the pulchritude department, and her nose is more Cyrano De Berjerac’s than Mona Lisa’s, but she does at least try to maintain a more muted capitalist rabidity than does MCC (Michael Pinto notwithstanding). She has a decent ass, of sorts, is not knock-kneed like MCC, and as long as you look at her face in frontal view instead of profile, as a Money Honey she stacks up reasonably high on the erecto-meter.
The newest bank skank to debut on CNBC is the undoubtedly sexy Amanda Drury. This Aussie import is a welcomed addition to the existing lineup of credit cunts. I really have no idea what her ideology is, nor do I care….but she does have a fine arts degree, so probably finds Larry Kudlow to be a barely tolerable ass….even when he is coked up. Despite all her charms, there is one problem with her…..her teeth look vaguely crocodilian, but is made up for because unlike MCC, who acts like a carnivore, she just looks like one.
I guess at some point I have to mention some of the male lineup here: Jim Cramer, well…he doesn’t have tits, and although he is an ass, he doesn’t seem to have much of one. If one had to pick somebody in the world NOT to take investment advice from, JC would top the list. This guy changes his opinion like Maria Bartiromo changes her hair styles. He is all over the map. One day, King Kong Amyl Nitrates is a BUY BUY BUY…..and the very next day the KKAN CEO is up one the Wall of Shame and their future outlook wallowing in the House of Pain. He is also a shameless bastard in that he uses ever opportunity to tout himself……not being able to form a paragraph without it being wrapped around his “Charitable Trust” or the fact that he was once a Hedge Fund manager – albeit a crooked one. Well, anybody these days who is proud of being a Hedge Fund manager is either a damn fool, or is totally insane….both being highly descriptive of our boy Cramer.
No treatise on televised finance would be complete without mention of the poster boy of coke-head economists: Larry Kudlow. Larry is of course a confirmed free marketeer, and a rabid Republican….and proud of both. Never mind that Larry is almost always wrong – that is to be expected from any economic prognosticator who is stupid enough to broadcast his opinions on national TV, what bothers me about him is the tone of his show: argumentative, confrontational and full of sage, dumb-fuck advise. Another thing unfortunate about Larry is when he gets his motor boat going on some Keynesian crap he works himself up into such a lather he starts sounding like an 80 year old woman who has just discovered speed. But, I love Larry. He failed upward so successfully that it should give everyone hope that if he can do it, so can the most despicable loser in Christendom.
Dennis Kneale. I only mention this wonky bed-wetter because CNBC finally smartened up enough to fire his miserable ass.
Most of the other male pundits on CNBC are duller than stale dishwater. Mark Haines has a reasonable sense of humor, and does manage to carry on some reasonably interesting banter with B-cup Burnett, even if it is about tomatoes. The only thing I can pass on about David Faber is that the CNBC producers need to provide him with either elevator heels or a lift stool. Simon Hobbs seems to be some sort of off-handed Euro-trash addition, mainly for his accent, since there seems to be no other apparent reason for hiring him.
I don’t wake up early enough anymore to listen to Joe Kernan, which subconsciously is probably why I sleep late anyway. Bob Pisani is pretty vanilla in a tiresome kind of way. No matter what is happening in the market, Pisani always seems to have a seemingly well thought out answer….if shares in Tampex is down and stock in Gorilla Dildos is up, Bob can be counted on to lay out some complex divergence scenario at play in the underlying linked fundamentals. It’s all bullshit of course, but it sounds good to the idiot producers and probably sends what few fools who are still trading in the market running to their computers to calculate the PE ratios of both companies. Rick Santelli….the Great Santelli, the father of the Tea Party Crowd. The Rickster is probably my favorite hairy-legged type on financial TV. He always seems to be surrounded by drama – standing in the pit in Chicago with a bunch of bond-trading thugs. And, he always manages to piss Steve Liesman off….and anyone who can send Liesman chasing around after his own tail in impotent rage, is my kind of guy. An odd thing about Rick, although he may be the most financial savvy pundit on CNBC, he seems in a curious way to have backed away from the whole Tea Party thing. Maybe it is just me, but he seems oddly embarrassed about the whole thing…..and I can almost sense his palpable derision at some of the crap his CNBC colleagues come up with.
Ok, enough of that shit…back to the LIBOR whores. Sue Herrera is the lynchpin of CNBC in that she has been there the longest. For obvious reasons, Sue will never flash her tits or wiggle her ass for the benefit of the viewers. For one, she probably considers it beneath her, and second….well, she is fatter than a market hog. She is not bad looking in the face for an oldster, and probably is passable in a closing time/beer goggle sense. As far as I am concerned, she is more of a volume ON type.
Bertha Coombs seems pretty bright, and she is kind of sexy in a mature, Cuban kind of way. She does however, seem like a pretty tough broad: somebody who would slit you throat, then kick you in the nuts as you lay dying for bleeding on her shoes. Sharon Epperson is kind of cute, and she seems vulnerable standing there in the trading pit of the New York Mercantile Exchange. We rarely get any body shots on her, so it is hard to tell how hot she really is.
I can’t really put my finger on Melissa Lee. She is Asian, which should be a plus, but she is SO Asian it seems to have a boomerang effect. Her body seems to have all the required parts, but they seem to be put together by a weird kind of genetics that has more in common with Leggos than female biology.
Trish Regan, Becky Quick and, Julia Boorstin I lump together as all certainly being fuckable…but not near as sexy or as intriguing as Diana Olick….plus, Olick knows what the fuck she is talking about. Suzie Orman is like all other personal financial advisers in that she has the same dim-witted advice, but from a sex standpoint, forget it. No matter how they shade her makeup, comb her hair or try to jam her fat ass in Barbie clothes, she is a non-starter. She couldn’t get humped on a bad night in Juarez.
Melissa Francis cannot get out of the shadow of her own loud mouth. She sounds like a bullfruit with bad adenoids, or a Larry Kudlow with balls. But, I guess she might be decent in bed, if you could shut her up. Wait a minute…did I just say that? No, that ball-busting bitch would critique you on everything from the shape of the bones in your knees to your politics. Fuck that.
And, we are finally here….the original Money Honey herself. Maria Bartiromo. Nobody seems to really know how old she, but she never seems to age beyond 40. Her classic Italian beauty has not really changed much in the last 20 years…oh yeah, her ass has ballooned out some, and her thighs probably look like mutant beer brats, but covered up and coiffured she is still one of the hottest. Of course, she certainly takes advantage of the people she covers, well, mainly their private airplanes, and if you stripped the words “new money” and “environment” from her vocabulary she would barely be eloquent enough to call the hogs. But, she remains an institution in herself – and one ultimately not to be fucked with: If you want to get into that, ask Dylan Ratigan.
I do not have one slim dime invested in the stock market. I do not own a single bond or covet any commodity. Yet, I watch CNBC. And, Ok….I shamefully admit that I do not always keep the volume down…only when Kudlow or MCC comes on. It is, after all, difficult to track which set of tits might be front-and-center without the voice cues. If CNBC would fire Kudlow and Francis (who refuses to dress sexy), and maybe keep Melissa Lee – who knows, I might get horny for Cubism at some point, and yes, unfortunately…keep MCC….but gag her and dress her up in a halter top, and only air above-waist shots….And oh yeah, Hire Liz Claman back from Fox, she is wasted over there, they dress her up like a fucking school-marm. And just for my sake, do some reversion back to the old days…..cleavage, tight sweaters, and that pouty-lip look like she is fixing to suck the wide-angle lens off the snout of an IMAX camera. That just might make the nut.
Yes, CNBC is stupid, biased and the center of their universe revolves around a subject most people find boring and frankly criminal. But, it is no worse than most sitcoms and reality shows. And even the totally beastly Michelle Caruso Cabrera, with her cock-sure bias and black, Republican heart, has tits that most prime-time actresses would pay for, like well…she did.
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