Banks Mulling Over Paying Bonuses Early, But Only If Goldman Does It First

There’s a rule on Wall Street that says if banks are considering doing something a little outside the box, something that might rock the boat a bit, they wait for Goldman’s signal. Whether it’s sartorial choices (Zubaz), internal protocols (the initiation of a buddy system between the prime brokerage and prop desk in order to facilitate front running of clients), or grooming (shorn scrotums), everyone waits for Goldman to go first and they then follow.

In some cases, the rationale comes down to the fact that the other firms really want to go for it (Deutsche, for one, was pushing hard for the hairless balls, telling anyone who would listen that “there’s really nothing like it”) but realize that if there’s any blowback, Goldman Sachs is best equipped to take the heat (by telling those who criticize to go fuck themselves). In others, the move being considered may not be something management at other shops want to do at all; they hold out for as long as possible until Goldman has to screw by doing it, at which time the other firms must follow suit, lest their employees get jealous of, for instance, their GS counterparts’ newly aerodynamic sacks.

To that end, the Times reports that Wall Street is “discussing whether to move up their bonus payouts from next year to this month,” out of fear that “lawmakers will allow taxes to rise for the wealthiest Americans beginning next year.” Apparently executives “at two large banks said their companies tentatively decided not to speed payouts, unless Goldman did. Then, these two executives said, they would consider paying early as a competitive measure, so that their workers were not upset.”

Mind you, Goldman itself has not yet decided anything and it would be a bit crunched for time on coming up with the numbers if it did in fact decide to accelerate the bonus timetable, to say nothing of the fact that the same paper reported on the same day that it’s looking like the tax cuts will be extended (not just for those making up to $250,000 but higher-earners as well).

So, you know, what will happen remains a bit unclear. Also unclear: what’s going on in the article’s accompany photo:

Goldman Sachs’s headquarters in Manhattan. Goldman often plans bonuses early, and the richness of its payouts sets the tone.

Tax Fear May Move Bonuses Earlier

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18 Responses to “Banks Mulling Over Paying Bonuses Early, But Only If Goldman Does It First”

  1. GS Prop Desk PMD says:

    We don’t call it the “buddy system.” We call it the “reach around.”

  2. Anon says:

    reach around would indicate pleasure. the process described above is used to rape clients. thanks and don’t try again.

  3. tranche monkey says:

    one person’s pleasure is often another’s pain. And not only is GS setting the bonus timetable, but they also have the sharpest personal grooming tools available. When you’re tinkering around the ballsack, you want a finely honed instrument.

  4. GS Prop Desk PMD says:

    Please read again, and this time for comprehension. The relationship referred to is that between the GS prime brokerage and the GS prop desk, which is indeed a pleasurable one viz a viz their “team oriented” approach to dealing with clients.

    HTH, HAND, kthxbye.

  5. Captioneer says:

    “Hey, guys, look at that building.”

  6. recko says:

    It’s a bird…it’s a plane…oh, it’s just Dr. Evil (LB) doing his YE bonus dance.

  7. Rho2Gamma says:

    Looks like they were attempting to snap a pic of a GS employee’s aerodynamic ornament, but the employee moved just in time.

  8. Guest says:

    Maybe the photographer was trying to capture the view of Goldman headquarters from Lloyd’s perspective?

  9. Douche IDer says:

    Viz a viz = douche

  10. Anonymous says:

    There will be no need – the extension of the tax cuts is a done deal. GS knows it, the street knows it. They’re just making sh!t up to keep up the pressure.

  11. Guest says:

    ‘doucher’ = douche
    also, viz a viz should be vis-à-vis

  12. Guest says:

    I think the only one making shit up is the NYT- anything for a good populist rage-inspiring story though, right?

  13. A. Non Emoose says:

    I never know whether “sh!t” is a bad word or not. I am also confused by f*ck, b1tch, and motherfuckingcocksuckingasshol@.

  14. Ben says:

    It is obvious you are scum. Understand that????????

  15. A. Non Emoose says:

    Your opinion has been given all due consideration, Mr. Dover.

  16. early hominid says:

    The monolith. From 2001.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Children of the Corn on Wall Street

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