“I will paraphrase the email with a Lil Wayne lyric which is ‘throw dirt on me and grow a wildflower’ but it also said some stuff about Credit Default Swaps”

This is a rambling, anonymous, first-person account of one guy talking his way out of a job at Morgan Stanley. It starts with him finding some MS chick’s cell in a cab, reading the text messages between her and her married boss (with whom she was having an affair), returning the phone, asking to send a resume, interviewing, not being patient enough to wait and hear he got the job, cursing the adulteress out over email and being told to seek professional help. It’s oddly hypnotic. If you’ve ever been in a similar situation, do share. [PRR]

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53 Responses to ““I will paraphrase the email with a Lil Wayne lyric which is ‘throw dirt on me and grow a wildflower’ but it also said some stuff about Credit Default Swaps””

  1. Guest says:

    it was me!!!

    -self laothing MS reject

  2. Guest says:

    reading that made me happy not to be that guy.

  3. Anon says:

    what a trainwreck…

  4. Guest says:


  5. Look out kid, it’s something you did – god knows when, but you’re doing it again. You better duck down the alley way, looking for a new friend – the man in the coon-skin cap, by the big pen. Wants eleven dollar bills, but you only got ten.

    -Adam “17+ Screens” Sender

  6. Hfdgf says:

    who is Ariel in CDS and does his wife know now?

  7. Guest says:

    Blah-blah-blah… MS is hiring?!

  8. Non-Entity Hedge Fund Manager says:

    If I was this emotional, I would have killed myself twice already in December… and it’s an up month.

    – Guy who needs a negative beta to alpha this month

  9. ShanusMcGaperson says:

    Lil Wayne is the new Lil Blankfein

  10. “[B]ringing the world economy in 2008” is the new killing it.

    Other than that, I have little to no concern.

  11. Jacob Moore says:

    People who use that many “like”s and run-on sentences should be shot.

  12. FYI says:

    Link address is NSFW.

  13. Dixsie normous says:

    What a pussy does this guy understand leverage at all? if i was him i would tell that bitch i would let everyone know she is banging her married boss. I bet she would have STFU and let him get hired

  14. Rodger Lodge says:

    I was skeptical reading this, as his interview process seemed as realistic as they depict high school party scenes in movies (everyone dancing in unison drinking out of red solo cups). I was wondering how a 30-something hipster could throw on an urban outfitters skinny tie and a pair of Wallabees and walk into an interview like the bassist from vampire weekend and expect to get a job. He was a likable character and I enjoyed his writing so I will just take it for what it’s worth. Either this is just an entry for the bushwick essay contest or Matt Taibbi is bored as shit

  15. Anon says:


  16. To avoid the Ayatollah:

    on valentine’s day, me and my ex-girlfriend emily went to dinner at this restaurant in williamsburg and then after dinner we took a cab home and as we’re going over the williamsburg bridge in the cab, she says she feels something and reaches into the crevice in between the back of the seat and the seat itself and pulls out a cell phone

    and the cell phone is a big blocky plastic flip phone. the company Panasonic makes a laptop called the Panasonic Toughbook that is designed to withstand water and impact, it looks like a tiny hard plastic suitcase, and this cell phone was like the cell phone version of that laptop. emily suggests that we give it to the cab driver for him to return it and i say that we should like at least go through the text messages first

    so we read all the text messages and guess that it is a man’s cell phone based on the cell phone itself and some of the messages, there are some steamy text exchanges with someone named Ariel whose gender is impossible to determine from the name and the messages. eventually the cab drops us off and we decide to not give the phone to the cab driver because i figure i can probably return it and get a reward. i text Ariel, “what is the email address of the owner of this phone” and they text back a female name @ “” (which is a big investment bank)

    so i send an email to that e-mail address that says “hey i found your phone in a cab and i want to return it, how do i do that” and then the next morning i get an e-mail that says like “hey thank you so much!!!” and this woman tells me where she lives and also asks if i want her to pick it up from where i live

    and i say “no it’s okay, i can return the phone because i will actually be in your neighborhood later today and can drop it off with you”

    and then we set up a time to meet at her building, and then later that day i have lunch in Williamsburg and walk over to this woman’s building and buzz her apartment and wait like 30 seconds and then she comes outside and looks around for me and i hold up the cell phone to identify myself and she walks over to me and she is smiling. she is blonde and in her early 30s i think, and i say “hey i’m david” because it seemed appropriate to sort of introduce myself, and i hand her the phone and she hands me a box of cookies, like the kind of cookies that look fancy but you can get them from the deli, and i appreciate the gesture even though you can get the cookies from the deli, and she thanks me a lot

    and then i say “ummmm so me and my girlfriend went through all your text messages and we have some questions” and part of me expected her to freak out and be like “how could you invade my privacy like that??!?!” and then i would have been like “no come on, i am returning your phone like thereby saving you hundreds of dollars and hours of wasted time, it’s like the least i can expect in return you know?” but then she did what i thought was the reasonable thing, which was to laugh and say that she would have done the same thing and then she says “okay what do you wanna know?” and i say “is Ariel a man or a woman and what is your relationship to them, and also who is Melanie and why are you guys fighting?”

    and she tells me that Ariel is her boss and they have been seeing each other secretly because he is married and also it is against company policy for someone to be dating their boss, and melanie is her friend who she is just having an ordinary friend fight with that is not interesting

    and then i say “okay cool, that’s it i guess” and then she thanks me again and we start to walk away from each other and then i work up my courage and turn around and say “no wait!” and she turns around and gives me like a puzzled look and i say “your email address is @ morgan stanley — is that where you work?” and she nods and i say “okay i just graduated from school with a degree in economics and i currently have a shitty job, your firm isn’t hiring is it?”

    and she thinks for a second, i guess she is considering how someone who is asking for a job knows that she is sleeping with her married boss, but it’s the same person who returned her cell phone, and then she says “no actually we are looking for someone… why don’t you send me your resume and i’ll look it over” and i must be smiling like a maniac and i thank her and walk back over the bridge to manhattan

    and then as soon as i get home i send her my resume and three days later she emails me back to come in for an interview and sends me some literature about the bank and the job and her division, which actually happens to be Credit Default Swap trading, which is one of security instruments that is most blamed for bringing the world economy in 2008

    essentially what a credit default swap is is a bet that someone else will default on their loans, but not like another person — like a corporation or a country. whenever you read in the news that a country is facing a “sovereign debt crisis” it means that a country doesn’t think it will be able to pay back its loans, which is a terrifying thing if you live in that country and for people around the world, and people buy and sell Credit Default Swaps on the possibility that the country will default on its debt. originally the swaps were meant to be insurance, so if you had loaned greece $100 million you could take out $100 million of insurance in the form of credit default swaps, and if Greece defaulted you could at least get something back, but now people buy trillions of dollars of credit default protection for debt they don’t own, which may or may not be an inherently dangerous thing for the world economy. so anyway that’s what i wanted to do

    and i read all the literature she sent me, and all the stuff about credit default swaps that i could find, and bought a suit, i hadn’t bought a suit in years, and i went in for the interview and i thought it went really well. they told me how much the job paid and it was crazy, like i didn’t even know they paid people out of college that much anymore. during the interview i met her boss Ariel and didn’t mention that i knew about their affair, i suspect she mentioned it, and he was nice to me but a little cold. and then as i was leaving the interview he said they would get back to me soon if they decided to hire me, and when i got home i sent her a heartfelt thank you email and asked when i could expect to hear from them about the position because i’d forgotten to ask about it during the interview

    and then a week went by and nothing happened, no response to my email or other communication and i started to think they decided they didn’t like me and i wouldn’t get the job, but i wanted to make sure, so i sent another e-mail thanking the woman for the interview and reiterating my interest in the position and again asking when i might expect to hear about whether or not i was hired. i told her i understood if i wasn’t the right candidate, i know i don’t look like what you’d expect a Credit Default Swap Junior Analyst at a major investment bank to look like, but i also thought i would be great for the job, but i would prefer not to be kept in suspense about it. it sounds weird to say that i sent that email to an interviewer, but my email was friendly and not weird. i even had a friend proofread it for unnecessary weirdness and she said it was fine

    and then another week passed and i was despondent and i knew they had decided not to hire me. i thought, like, “i returned this woman’s cell phone, the least she could do is send me back an email to say i didn’t get this job so i could at least stop stressing about it constantly” because i was having trouble sleeping and also my relationship was imploding at the time and i felt hopeless about ever finding a job that didn’t make me dread getting out of bed in the morning, so it was a pretty low time for dave, you know, and then finally after two and a half weeks without any communication since the interview i sat at my desk at my current job and wrote an email on my blackberry to the woman and sent it and didn’t even proofread it

    and as i am writing this i just reread that email and when i started writing this story i thought the highlight of it was gonna be that email copied and pasted, but i can’t put it in because it is too embarrassing and sad, and thinking about including that email in this is like when you break up with someone and then you want people to think you’re over them and maybe you even think you are over them, so you talk about them to your friends and then you start getting emotional and you’re thinking like “man i am definitely not over this yet”

    but i will paraphrase the email with a Lil Wayne lyric which is “throw dirt on me and grow a wildflower” but it had some curses in it and also said some stuff about how maybe trading Credit Default Swaps and Collateralized Debt Obligations and other asset-backed securities had just ruined millions of people’s lives

    and then she emailed me back five minutes later and her email said three things: the first one was “seek help” and the second one was “thank god you showed your true colors before we hired you” and then the third one was a series of copied and pasted emails between the woman and the human resources department indicating that they had hired me and she had sent my information to human resources and human resources was supposed to call me later that day to tell me what the next steps were, like coming in and signing papers. i would have started in three weeks. a month after that i started writing PRR because i was bored at work

    and i walked home from work that day and listened to Fuck Tha World by Lil Wayne and cried on the phone to my dad who said i needed to go to law school so stuff like this wouldn’t happen to me anymore, but he wasn’t angry or disappointed with me, even though he has high expectations for my life in terms of return on investment, he said she should have emailed me back when i asked when i was supposed to hear back, and i thought that was uncharacteristically understanding of him

    and sometimes when i’m at work now i think about how my life would be different if i hadn’t sent that email, like how i would be able to afford nicer shit and have a secure future. and i think maybe the only way i can eventually feel good about not getting that job is if i do something even more fulfilling or more lucrative with my life, you know, so wish me luck i guess. in Fuck Tha World, Lil Wayne says “i try to forget about it and just stand strong / but if everything was cool i wouldn’t write this damn song / fuck tha world”

  17. Anon says:

    if it were matt taibbi (or another fake) it would be a lot more outrageous.

  18. FYI says:

    Let me correct my last statement. Waaaaaaaaaay TLDR.

  19. FYI says:

    Err… my bad. Didn’t see what you did there. Was so long it temporarily blinded me. Thank you, and once again, my apologies.

  20. Anon says:

    There is an Ariel in FID, and he’s def banging one of his underlings. This is real.

  21. Anon says:

    There is an Ariel in FID, and he’s def banging one of his underlings. This is real.

  22. “(which is a big investment bank)” is the best part

  23. Anon says:

    he knows his audience, I guess

  24. Sir Lumpit says:

    Quit imitating Hitler and become creative on your own.

  25. DE Shaw Trend Analysis Genius says:

    Why would someone’s parents name their kid after the radio antenna on a car?

  26. Guest says:

    Don’t worry, HR will give the guy a pass. He makes a lot of buckeroos. They’ll tell him the next time he tags an underling make sure she’s not totally retarded and leaves her phone lying around with steamy sex messages. On second thought, why is the married dude running around with a phone full of steamy sex messages from his “secret” mistress?

  27. Guest says:

    how is it in any way nsfw?

  28. Boris the Blade says:

    Are you from Bangalore office or smth?

  29. MS:WallSt::Fredo:Corelones says:

    hearing there is no CDS trader named ariel at MS

  30. Guest says:

    hearing you don’t have access do the MS directory which would show that yeah, there is a CDS trader named ariel at MS.

  31. Guest says:

    “and bought a suit, i hadn’t bought a suit in years”

    IE I’m a white trash loser

    I can believe her entertaining him with a, “Sure, send me your resume…” but I sincerely doubt she would have actually Fw the loser’s resume. I’m calling BS.

  32. Guest says:

    “dad who said i needed to go to law school so stuff like this wouldn’t happen to me anymore”

    Tier 4 law school is the NKI.

  33. Guest says:


  34. Guest says:

    “IE I’m a white trash loser ”

    you’re kind of an idiot, you know that? not defending the guy, but he could have very well been some privileged white boy who went did liberal arts undergrad and had no corporate job after. hence, no need to buy a new suit.

  35. Anonymous says:

    “i say ‘hey i’m david’ because it seemed appropriate to sort of introduce myself, and i hand her the phone and she hands me a box of cookies, like the kind of cookies that look fancy but you can get them from the deli, and i appreciate the gesture even though you can get the cookies from the deli, and she thanks me a lot”

    Hypnotic is right.

  36. Guest says:

    Never been to a country club, a restaurant that required a jacket, a sorority formal, a wedding, interviews, job fair during undergrad, prom, debutante, ANYTHING recently where he had to be in a suit = pathetic loser

  37. Guest says:

    Thought Ariel was some kind of Disney princess? Poor asshole.
    He must be hot though. Wound not be OK banging a guy with that name.

  38. Guest says:


    -Kate Gosselin

  39. Guest says:

    You would wear a tuxedo or a blazer to most of that shit anyways. I didn’t get a suit until right before I started SA, yet I had a tuxedo and blazers.

  40. Lewis Winthorpe II says:

    You forgot, “Oh sure…like ‘he’ went to Harvard!!…..”

  41. Poopneck Trader says:

    he should have said “i will summarize the email with the lil wayne lyric…” A paraphrase would be significantly longer.

  42. 1984 says:

    “i felt hopeless about ever finding a job that didn’t make me dread getting out of bed in the morning”

    You know, because CDS is such a fun and easy-going job

  43. irish.curse says:

    is “wound” a synonym for “pussy”, and are you speaking ebonics?

  44. ThatGuy says:

    Dear Diary,
    Sitting here hugging my teddy bear and listening to gangster rap and like I’m crying cuz like I think the world hates me and junk and its just not fair and all I did was like meddle – just a little bit- in someone elses business and like they shoulda gave me that job cause I’m smart and stuff and I’m just like WHY DOES GOD HATE ME …

  45. Rho2Gamma says:

    It will cause your intelligence to shrivel up and cry.

  46. Rho2Gamma says:

    Models and bottles, models and bottles.

  47. n_shrimpie says:

    Complete BS. This guy isn’t articulate enough to be hired as a Chinese delivery guy, never mind an IB.

  48. n_shrimpie says:

    by an IB..

  49. Guest says:

    you’re the tool for going to a debutante ball in a business suit, get a tailcoat n00b

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