Your Toasting to 2011 Isn’t the Boss’s Business (Bloomberg)
Bloomberg columnist has important public service announcement: “Unless you return to work obviously hung over, inebriated or sipping some hair of the dog from your coffee thermos, your employer can’t legally test you for alcohol. Drugs, yes. But if the boss has no good reason to suspect an on-the-job alcohol problem and still asks for your blood, urine or breath in search of one, call the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.”
Commodities Beat Stocks, Bonds, Dollars in 2010 (Bloomberg)
Let’s hear it for sugar! Give it up for cattle!
Why The NYSE Is Open New Year’s Eve (CNBC)
“They have a tradition of making sure they get as much tax selling in as possible, I suspect,” said Art Cashin, UBS director of floor operations at the NYSE. “I know it used to be there were special tax implications for selling on the last day of the year.” Cashin said NYSE traders carry on anyway and have traditions of their own to keep. At 2:05 p.m., they will break into song, with a rendition of “Wait til the Sun Shines Nellie,” just as bond traders are skipping out for the day.
City Buries Strip Club In Snow (NYP)
This is what got the Mayor to change his tune: “The Sanitation Department caused lap dances at Hell’s Kitchen jiggle joint HeadQuarters Cabaret to grind to a halt, after snow-removal workers cut the gentlemen’s club off from the outside world by dumping 15-foot-high piles of snow in front. Strippers were forced to totter through an arctic winterscape in their stiletto heels. By the early-morning hours, the Sanitation Department had packed such massive mounds outside the mammary mecca that men couldn’t get down the street to the front door. “Its been dead,” complained dancer Valentina Torres, 22. “As you can see, no one is here. The street is closed so we don’t even get our regular customers. Basically, this has been a wasted week. As long as the sanitation [workers] are out there, no one will come!”
Insider Trading Defendant Fails To Post Bail (WSJ)
Winifred Jiau, 43, was required by a federal judge in San Francisco to post a $250,000 bond to obtain her release, but was unable to do so, her lawyer, Mark Goldrosen, said Thursday. Ms. Jiau, a dual citizen of the U.S. and Taiwan, surrendered her passports, her lawyer said. She is scheduled to appear in court again Monday morning.
Year-End Investor Letter: A Parody (NYT)
“As many of you are aware, at the end of every year I move completely to cash and lock myself in a bank vault for a couple days with all of my money and all of my annual trading records. I carefully review all of my trades and try to learn what mistakes were made and what worked. I physically handle my cash; it helps me appreciate that trading is not simply an intellectual exercise involving numbers, but one which involves real money with real wealth creation and destruction.”
Ex- Spy Anna Chapman Gets Lion Cub On Russian TV (BBC)
Ms Chapman, who was deported from the US earlier this year, was the main guest of the “Let Them Talk” show. She said her dream was to have a lion cub for a while, before it became dangerous, at which point one was brought into the studio.
US court dismisses $2bn Porsche lawsuit (FT)
US District Judge Harold Baer late on Thursday said the 39 hedge funds, led by Elliott Associates and Black Diamond Offshore, could not claim damages in the US from Porsche, which they had accused of misleading markets during its failed takeover attempt of VW.
Champagne Lures Big Spenders, Overall Sales Still Decline (Bloomberg)
The fall in sales “can pretty much be traced back to Lehman,” Hawes said, referring to the collapse of Lehman Brothers Holding Inc. “At the back end of 2008, if you were going to be drinking a premium brand of champagne you’d better have been doing it on your own in the garden shed.”
New York Prepares for First New Year’s Eve Since Bomb Attempt (Bloomberg)
“There are no specific threats against the city, Commissioner Ray Kelly said. “I think it will be a safe and happy event,” he said. If you’re made happy by standing in Times Square for hours in the freezing cold with a stranger’s elbow in your ribcage.
Wife Lying About Sex-Tape Threat, Husband Says (NYP)
A Manhattan “hedge-fund honcho” accused of trying to bully his wife into a cheapo divorce settlement by threatening to make their sex tapes public says the allegations are a lie – and he’s considering suing his wife for defamation. “The allegations are completely false,” David Glenn Rucker told The Post. “I have no idea why she would make that up.” “She” is Lily Shang, Rucker’s wife of 20 months – and she says Rucker’s a liar. “David always says what’s in his best interest,” she told the Toronto Star. “I went through all our old e-mails, and there’s nothing that can be construed as me trying to release a sex tape. It doesn’t make sense. I’m just really confused,” he said, adding that he’s consulting his attorney about bringing a possible defamation case.
Academic Economists to Consider Ethics Code (NYT)
The proposal, which has not been announced to the public or to the association’s 17,000 members, is partly a response to “Inside Job,” a documentary film released in October that excoriates leading academic economists for their ties to Wall Street as consultants, advisers or corporate directors.
States Try To Force Mortgage Workouts (WSJ)
Nationwide, the number of troubled homeowners receiving assistance with their mortgages has been falling. About 470,000 homeowners received loan assistance in the third quarter, down 17% from the second quarter and down 32% from the same quarter a year earlier, federal bank regulators said in a report Wednesday.
This Is A Video Of A Guy Robbing A Store With A Giant Stick (TBD)
Programming Note: We’re on an abbreviated vacation-esque schedule ’til Monday (opening/closing wraps and very limited updates whenever the urge to reach out and touch you moves us). We still want to hear from you, though, so if someone gets nailed for insider trading, Lloyd announces he’s quitting to join the Pussycat Dolls, or anything else happens that you think might tickle our fancy, do not hesitate to let us know.
thank you bloomberg!
- drunk trader
My manager at UBS asks for my urine all of the time.
really? that’s the best you could do?
“…massive mounds outside the mammary mecca…”
+1
Glad to see people are still following my advice.
-TR
joke briefer please?
- guy who drinks in excess on new year’s eve eve because nye is for amateurs.
Genius. Comment of the Week!
I know it looks bad, but it was just a simple business transaction. See, I had initially walked in to buy a pack of smokes. After getting frustrated from pointing at what pack I wanted I stormed out. While outside I realized that if only my arms were longer, the attendant would have been able to tell what pack I wanted. It was at that moment I ran across this great pointing stick. That’s when I rushed back in to try my idea. I must say, it worked so well, the attendant wanted to buy my idea and stick.
It moved.
-Frosty T. Snowman
It moved.
-Frosty T. Snowman
Thank you, Guest, for your request for help. Allow me to assist.
Permaguest was referring to the famous advice given by late President Teddy Roosevelt,which was, in actuality, “Speak softly and carry a big stick….To wit:
“In a letter written in 1900, a year before he became president, Theodore Roosevelt wrote, “I have always been fond of the West African proverb: `Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.” He repeated what he called this “homely old adage” in a speech as president in Chicago in 1903, and twice again in his writings after that. Every time, he used “Speak softly” but many people paraphrase it and say “Talk softly but carry a big stick…”
The phrase suggests that one should carry oneself in a composed manner but be prepared to defend one’s opinions or safety with a figurative or literal “big stick”. Generally it refers to US foreign policy as being reasonable but don’t fuck with us or you’ll get beaten with the big stick of (name your favorite weapon here).
As to the humor, the particular “bon mot” tossed to the commentariat by Permaguest reflects on the story the delightful Ms. Levin tossed out pertaining to the “Manassas stick vs. hammer ” robbery video above. I.E., the robber with the “big stick” which Permaguest immediately pounced upon, like a duck on a junebug, to refer to the Teddy Roosevelt statement and perhaps the avatar used by Permaguest but your Joke Briefer cannot see images that small. The idea that a robber would reflect upon the sage advice of President Teddy Roosevelt and use a “big stick” as a weapon in a robbery provides the alternative brain chemical reaction causing humorous snickering or guffaws as the case may be.
The late President’s advice has taken numerous iterations overtime. For example, Vivid Entertainment produced a 1998 version of “Blow Softly With a Big Dick” starring Peter North (reprising his role in “Out of Africa’s Valley” costarring “Africa” famous for her “Rift Valley”, but I digress.. ).
For an interesting visual experience –rated PG– of “speaking softly but carrying a big stick” you should all rent and view the video “The Wind and the Lion”.
-The Joke Briefer
*slow clap*
you are one glorious bastard
Referencing Peter North took this comment to 11
Jaw dropping
Dennis Kneale asks for my urine all of the time.
- Golden retriever
Inches?
Merry New Year!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b-nOEQzcxc&feature=related
You have way too much time on your hands, that being said, respect.
I had to work really hard all day and only just got to check DB. What an absolute delight to see TJB at his/her finest. Thx TJB, you rock my world.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good night.
where are we to go with our bonuses with all that snow cleanup?
- Lloyd
Is that poo on a stick? Good weapon of choice…
@The Joke Briefer : I don’t work in the finance industry and I login only to read your comments and of course,darling Bess. And I am not alone. Can you make yourself a handle so We could hone down to the posts with your hilarious comments ?
We promise to religiously click on all the bloody advertising links if you do so.
~ A Fan
Dearest TJB Fan:
Thank you for your kind words. Your Joke Briefer is merely attempting to be a helpful servant of the commentariat as his way of saying “thanks” and “giving back” to the editor of the site and the people behind its scenes. I am delighted and honored that such efforts have been appreciated by you.
Your Joke Briefer is a student of humor and humorists and finds the study of it and its permutations fascinating. As a result of autodidactic training, sometimes I feel compelled to help others understand the inherent value of a good gag.
Thus, like a docent at a dildo museum, I try to gently butt in when I detect a patron of the site struggling with an exhibited joke, bon mot, witticism, satirical comment or fragmented reference related to the set-up or punchline of a joke that has been used in a comment in the context of a financial industry related story published in one way or another via Dealbreaker. And, thanks to the fine folk at Breaking Media and this particular site, your Joke Briefer has been allowed to ply his trade in that regard.
I shall look into your request and thank you for bringing it to my attention.
Happy New Year to You and Yours,
The Joke Briefer
jerseymall.org
jerseymall.org
TJB, I too am a fan of your work and would encourage you to write a book. I’m sure there are more than a few of us that would support such an endeavor with a modest investment to make it happen.
(and if you could make that “jerseymall” rat go away, I’d double the invesment)