Things that could SAVE YOUR LIFE.
First off, let us just say that hopefully none of you ever find yourselves in a situation wherein you have to defend yourself from being shot on the job. Having said that, you probably have at least of few colleagues who can’t be completely ruled out on going postal one afternoon, co-workers who have a knack for pissing people off and/or a boss whose net-worth makes him and his staff good hostage candidates. Preventative measures (a receptionist who keeps an AK-47 in her bra) can only go so far and if the shooter is already in the building, perhaps at his desk on the trading floor, you’ve got a situation probably few know how to deal with. Luckily, the NYPD has put together a handy list of tips should the guy or gal who sits 10 feet from you be easily set off.
Tip #1 “Avoid the shooter and evacuate immediately.”
Tip #2 In the event fleeing the scene is not possible, your best “Plan B” is to “hide behind a filing cabinet.” According to a study, “cubicle partitions provided no protection from bullets or shotgun pellets, and desks were little better. But file cabinets stopped bullets from a .38-caliber Smith & Wesson, a 9mm Glock and a shotgun. Only bullets from an AK-47 passed through.”
Tip #3 Consider “barricading and hiding in a predetermined safe room,” where you should “silence your cell phone” and remain quiet.
Tip #4 As a last resort “try to take the gunman down.” The NYPD recommends confronting him “with physical force as quickly and as aggressively as possible,” using “pens, staples, chair legs, anything you can get your hands on, as an improvised weapon.”
Filing Cabinets Provide Best Protection If You Can’t Escape A Workplace Shooter [NYP]
Tip #4 – another reason why everyone should have a pair of brass balls on their desk
“staples” as in just staples, not staplers? interesting.
I wouldn’t know whether to jump in front of or behind my commode . . .
I wouldn’t know whether to jump in front of or behind my commode . . .
We have plenty of markers on hand in the event of an incident such as this.
- Ping
I’ve always said if this happens at SAC I’ll defend everyone with my dick.
-SC
Tip #5 If tips 1-4 don’t work, avoid being hit by bullets. Our research indicates most serious injuries during a shooting result from being hit by a bullet, rather than by the fact of being shoot at.
I want a secretary who can hide an ak-47 in her bra…if they’re that big, I’m jumping in too.
Tip #6 Act like a total lunatic, screaming at the gunman that he’s a total loser and probably is in love with his mother. Insult the size of his very small penis.
Will it stop you from getting shot? No, but at your funeral your coworkers will be awed by your open defiance and “don’t give a damn” attitude. Better that than to be shot cowering behind a filing cabinet like a total pussy.
note to self.
walk around filing cabinet and fire instead of trying to shoot thru it.
On my 23rd interview at Goldman Sachs, I was sitting across from my recruiter and a few managing directors when in walks a gunman. I leap up on the table and dive on top of him to wrestle the gun out of his hand and proceed to put two shots right in his chest. I then used his blood to cover my face like war paint. The MD looks at me and says “that was amazing you just saved all of our lives but why did you put blood all over your face?”
I responded and said “if the police arrest me for manslaughter I can claim temporary insanity. ARBITRAGE BITCHES!”
My recruiter looks at me and says “would you be able to meet again next week?”
Anybody ever have sex with a snowman?
Ra ra ree! Kick him in the knee! Ra ra rass! Please don’t shoot my ass!
I put my feet on my desk and open my legs when unwelcome guests storm my office.
So far so good.
-M. Whitney
I put my feet on my desk and open my legs when unwelcome guests storm my office.
So far so good.
-M. Whitney
I think they meant this: http://www.camptaichi.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/tai-chi-needs-an-easy-button.jpg
I think they meant this: http://www.camptaichi.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/tai-chi-needs-an-easy-button.jpg
What’s harder than stopping a marauding gunman? My cock as I take him down.
S. Palin
That’s because they’re too disgusted at having to see M. Whitney’s giant schlong
That’s because they’re too disgusted at having to see M. Whitney’s giant schlong
That’s because they’re too disgusted at having to see M. Whitney’s giant schlong
Gundlach is probably well prepared. Shooters beware.
Gundlach is probably well prepared. Shooters beware.
Gundlach is probably well prepared. Shooters beware.
Gundlach is probably well prepared. Shooters beware.
I would hide behind the fat sh*t who eats burger king every day
I’d walk over to the shooter and say, “Me first!”
I hope you don’t labor under the impression you’re funny.
Kill yourself.
What should we do?
Rookie LAPD Officer
What should we do?
Rookie LAPD Officer
Shoot first, ask questions later
-Veteran LAPD Officer
We honor the flag, and you crap on it when you don’t shoot your gun in the office.
How much are my B-unit or HP12c in my shirt pocket protecting my heart?
-NTK
Pen, stapler or chair leg?
thanks for explaining that joke. no one would’ve gotten it w/o your briefing.
A coward dies a thousand deaths,a soldier dies but once. On second thought, RUN FOR COVAAA! AHHHHH SH!T! MUTHAF**KAAA! DUCK QUICK!!
http://images6.cpcache.com/nocache/product/486125466v2147483647_480x480_Front_Color-White.jpg
I need markers made of metal.
- P. Jiang
I’m confused, why wouldn’t you just return fire with your Desert Eagle .50? He’ll probably run off crying before offing himself Madoff-style.
Nice, but you forgot to arbitrage the 2 MD’s after shooting the lunatic by figuring out which one of them is likely to block the other from getting a Partnership first and shooting them, then blaming it on the gunman, and getting an insta-offer and mentor for life, plus making the recruiter some $$$ as well.
I thought you were supposed to ask for a football helmet filled with cottage cheese?
“I bet you guys got a lot of stories, right? I don’t. I grew up soft with the private schools and the little blazers, you know, and everyone “talked things out,” you know? No one ever threw any blows – still to this day, never punched in the face, imagine that. I’m pretty much a pantywaist. I don’t say this to be self-deprecating, I just, you know, don’t have much of an opinion of myself. I’d much rather be like you guys, you know, bar fighters and big, swinging dicks, takin’ care of shit. You know, sadly this is it, you know, it’s disgusting – “Thanks, God! Dog-pile of piss-poor physique on top of a small cock and hereditary alcoholism, ‘preciate it!” I’m babbling, I do that drunk, please forgive. “