• 17 Feb 2011 at 11:18 AM

Confidential To Any CEO’s Looking To Pump And/Or Dump Your Stock On CNBC

By

While a new study offensively suggests that no news is ever actually broken on CNBC and that those banners are just for decoration, it does offer some helpful tips:

Interestingly, the research found that chief executives could also cause stock prices to move temporarily up by laughing or down by stuttering. Wordiness is a crime too — chief executives that go on longer are rewarded with less of a stock rise.

What other behaviors do we think might move a company’s stock? Wild gesticulating? Purposely mispronouncing words (‘fundamentals’ = ‘fun-dia-mentals’, ‘earnings’ = ‘gurnings’)? Repeated use of the phrase whatchamacallit? Ending every statement with “fuckshitcocksuckerassholesonofabitch” and then staring at Maria like nothing had happened? Eating a bag of chips during the interview and letting the crumbs pour down your shirt, and not thinking ’til the end to ask the interviewer, “I’m sorry, did you want any?” Repeated sexual advances toward female anchors? Repeated sexual advances toward male anchors? Stopping to take a call on your cell, in which we’re only able to hear your end of the conversation but can piece together that someone is getting reamed out for not winning you tickets to a Justin Bieber concert?

And which CEO can we turn to to test these theories?

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Comments (14)

  1. 1
    Posted by Fun with Dick and Jane | February 17, 2011 at 4:29 PM

    Today we’re talking to the new EVP of Communication for Globodyne, Dick Harper
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEaoITBQEao

  2. 2
    Posted by Anonymous | February 17, 2011 at 4:31 PM

    Speaking of stuttering, did anyone see The King’s Speech? I wasn’t that impressed; if you take out all of the stuttering you only have a 30 minute movie.

  3. 3
    Posted by Guest | February 17, 2011 at 4:32 PM

    This study fails to hold water on FBN.

  4. 4
    Posted by CanklePatrol | February 17, 2011 at 4:49 PM

    More importantly, are these cankles on the left? Please discuss.

  5. 5
    Posted by vinnie the Guinea | February 17, 2011 at 4:53 PM

    True Grit Best Picture No Doubt

  6. 6
    Posted by Vinnie the Guinea | February 17, 2011 at 4:59 PM

    I remember this guidette from Gravesend back in the day. She could take a cock like a convict. Really let herself go.

  7. 7
    Posted by iwannakithyuo . . . | February 17, 2011 at 4:59 PM

    I want to see Joe Namath pull his Suzy Kolber routine on Mandy. Just sayin’.

  8. 8
    Posted by derp | February 17, 2011 at 5:13 PM

    T-T-T-TODAY JUNIOR!

  9. 9
    Posted by The Observer | February 17, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    Thief

    -J Rivers

  10. 10
    Posted by The Observer | February 17, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    Thief

    -J Rivers

  11. 11
    Posted by The Observer | February 17, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    Thief

    -J Rivers

  12. 12
    Posted by Anonymous | February 17, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    Actually, Judd Apatow made that joke, Joan may have stolen it from him.

  13. 13
    Posted by Anonymous | February 17, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    Actually, Judd Apatow made that joke, Joan may have stolen it from him.

  14. 14
    Posted by Gossiparino | February 17, 2011 at 7:56 PM

    What is yous guys talkin about. I brook all kinds of newses every day when I was wit CNBC. And now dat I’m a Foxy dude, I breek even more.
    Look at dis week. I broke the story on CME takin down da NYSE deal. Oh ya baby. I da man. So what if my storrries never happen. I still break m. And I breaka u face tooo mo fo if yous mess wit me.

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