At a talk at NYU earlier this week, Alan Greenspan told John Paulson, “Whenever I get gloomy, I think of Winston Churchill. America always does the right things … after it has tried every other viable alternative.” Being pressed for time they had to go on to the next question, but if they’d had longer, Big Al would’ve shared all his tricks for turning that frown upside down.

They include:

1. Thinking about one of the last conversations he had before retiring, when Ben Bernanke was weighing taking the job and came into his office and asked what kind of shape things were in and he said “We’re lookin’ good!” with a straight face. (Seriously, that one never fails to crack him up, even today.)

2. Reminiscing about Barbara Walters’ tits.

3. (And when memory won’t suffice, digging out the nudie shots she sent him when they were dating).

4. Annoying the shit out of Andrea Mitchell by following up ever statement with “The Oracle Hath Spoken!” through a megaphone. (“Pick up some Lunchables while you’re at the store- The Oracle Hath Spoken!” “Don’t bother me when I’m in the Man Cave- The Oracle Hath Spoken!” “I need some new socks– The Oracle Hath Spoken!”)

5. Reruns of Silver Spoons (Alfonso Ribeiro is his spirit animal).

6. Staring at the ‘Maestro’ tattoo he had inked on his dick.

7. Getting off on the fact that in his day, being such a market-moving BSD, Goldman would have chemists analyzing his tissue spunk to determine how elevated his testosterone levels were and if it would influence his policy-making.

8. Remembering at all the people he put in touch with Angelo Mozilo to take out option ARMS on houses they really couldn’t afford and how they literally got their asses torn out. (This can pull him out of even the worst of funks.)

9. Practicing feigning a look of shock when Lady Gaga pulls him on stage during her performance at the MTV Music awards, should he be invited.

10. Thinking about all the times Bernanke would call him freaked out in Fall 2008, and how he’d interrupt every story to pick up call waiting and then after clicking back, say “So where were we? Oh, right, you were telling me what you were wearing.” And two minutes before the end of every call go, “I’m sorry, to whom am I speaking?”

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Comments (17)

  1. Posted by Canadian Guest | February 18, 2011 at 8:00 PM

    One way that does not cheer him up: looking at the mirror

  2. Posted by Guest | February 18, 2011 at 8:03 PM

    9- playing the licorice stick.

  3. Posted by Guest | February 18, 2011 at 8:07 PM

    9- trying on his collection of Carrie Donovan glasses

  4. Posted by Another Guest | February 18, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    MORE FLAGS, MORE FUN!!

  5. Posted by Another Guest | February 18, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    MORE FLAGS, MORE FUN!!

  6. Posted by Richard Cripples | February 18, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    9. “Comforting” the U.S. financial markets, Marian Wegiel style.

  7. Posted by PasteSpecialFormats | February 18, 2011 at 8:26 PM

    9. Mantra: “Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!” while looking over the SPX and/or unemployment figures.

  8. Posted by Von Sloneker | February 18, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    I am Greeniemandius, king of kings…

  9. Posted by Anonymous | February 18, 2011 at 8:57 PM

    Impersonating Yogi Berra

  10. Posted by Ben B. | February 18, 2011 at 9:16 PM

    2.5: handies from Baba Wawa?

  11. Posted by Guest | February 18, 2011 at 9:35 PM

    11- learning the phrase, “irrational exurberance” in every different language ever spoken.

  12. Posted by Guest | February 18, 2011 at 10:00 PM

    what a fine lookin jew

  13. Posted by guest | February 18, 2011 at 10:21 PM

    Plastic surgery sure isn’t one of them.

  14. Posted by Anonymous | February 18, 2011 at 10:31 PM

    just fire up a Lucky Strike Cigarette and be thankful no Negroes are robbing you!

  15. Posted by Guest | February 18, 2011 at 10:36 PM

    I can initiate him on the 11th way to cheer up.

    - Ping

  16. Posted by Guest | February 19, 2011 at 7:41 PM

    …watching ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ over and over again

  17. Posted by Al | February 21, 2011 at 5:05 PM

    Barbara Walters didn’t have a lisp before we started dating. I’ll let you decide what that means. ;-)