Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions? He was found guilty yesterday and today, we finally have some clarity on why he did it and how his victim found out.

First off, the discovery of the crime. The first time it happened, MKL’s coworker (identified only as “Tiffany G”) unknowingly took a swig and tasted what she “believed” to be semen but wasn’t sure. “I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said. The second time she decided to test her theory. After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the new sample and comparing it to the other one, she determined it was.

Just to be sure, Tiffany sent the bottle MKL had left for her to a lab to be tested, the results of which confirmed her hunch and ultimately got Mike convicted of assault and battery. Why did he do it? Well he found Tiffany to be quite the attractive woman. He wanted to get close to her but 1) he figured a hot chick like her would never go for a guy like him and 2) he was married so he decided this would be the next best thing.

Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he ejaculated into the water bottle because “her lips had touched it…It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives.

Did he actually want her to, you know, drink it? Of course not. What do you take him for, some sick, maladjusted fuck?

“Can I honestly say I wanted her to drink it? No,” Lallana said in the taped interview. “Why I left it there, I don’t know.”

Only the water bottle knows.

Man Found Guilty In Semen Assault Case [IP]

138 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (138)

  1. Posted by Peter Kenny | February 25, 2011 at 5:48 PM

    “Is it my imagination or does this Poland Spring taste like Clorox and lemon juice?”

  2. Posted by Peter Kenny | February 25, 2011 at 5:48 PM

    “Is it my imagination or does this Poland Spring taste like Clorox and lemon juice?”

  3. Posted by trojan | February 25, 2011 at 5:49 PM

    After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the sample, she determined it was.

    -CSI: DB

  4. Posted by trojan | February 25, 2011 at 5:49 PM

    After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the sample, she determined it was.

    -CSI: DB

  5. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 5:52 PM

    How would you know how it tastes?

  6. Posted by AZP | February 25, 2011 at 6:02 PM

    She had it cumming to her…WORDPLAY!

  7. Posted by Anonymous | February 25, 2011 at 6:05 PM

    “It Came From Eighth Grade”

  8. Posted by AZP | February 25, 2011 at 6:09 PM

    It is a good thing both of them don’t drink pineapple juice, otherwise this case may have never gotten solved

  9. Posted by Hu | February 25, 2011 at 6:10 PM

    He has no morals and clearly no money either… or he could have just called a hooker

  10. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:11 PM

    The timeless art of seduction.

  11. Posted by Anonymous | February 25, 2011 at 6:13 PM

    This story would have been a LOT better if she would have gone into some detail about how she “incentivized” her fiance to inject his ejaculate into sample bottle.

    Just sayin’.

  12. Posted by SurgeonGenerale | February 25, 2011 at 6:13 PM

    Tiff must swallow at least on occassion, good to know

  13. Posted by SurgeonGenerale | February 25, 2011 at 6:13 PM

    Tiff must swallow at least on occassion, good to know

  14. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:14 PM

    Or she knows the taste from having it in her mouth a few seconds and then spitting. just sayin.

  15. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:14 PM

    Or she knows the taste from having it in her mouth a few seconds and then spitting. just sayin.

  16. Posted by CT | February 25, 2011 at 6:14 PM

    do you typically need an incentive to jack off?

  17. Posted by CT | February 25, 2011 at 6:16 PM

    “hon jerk off into this water bottle would you? I’m doing an experiement” tag FTW

  18. Posted by CT | February 25, 2011 at 6:16 PM

    “hon jerk off into this water bottle would you? I’m doing an experiement” tag FTW

  19. Posted by Stiffler | February 25, 2011 at 6:17 PM

    Cry me a river.

  20. Posted by PasteSpecialFormats | February 25, 2011 at 6:21 PM

    Double-blind semen taste tests FTW

  21. Posted by Oral_yst | February 25, 2011 at 6:22 PM

    Was that wrong?

  22. Posted by Thank God For History Majors | February 25, 2011 at 6:26 PM

    Yes! Careers in Finance!

  23. Posted by streetman | February 25, 2011 at 6:28 PM

    Floaters…

  24. Posted by Ping | February 25, 2011 at 6:28 PM

    Her female instincts were right! Told ya Andrew!

  25. Posted by God | February 25, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    give him life in prison

  26. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    not if there’s a cup handy.

  27. Posted by ThinCandyShell | February 25, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    BL, as usual, your tags FTW.

  28. Posted by Decent Guy | February 25, 2011 at 6:33 PM

    I don’t think he wanted to be “close” to her. I think he wanted to taunt –in his mind– whomever she had a relationship with.

    -Decent Guy Who Hopes the Judge Throws the Fuckin’ Book at Lallana

  29. Posted by Decent Guy | February 25, 2011 at 6:33 PM

    I don’t think he wanted to be “close” to her. I think he wanted to taunt –in his mind– whomever she had a relationship with.

    -Decent Guy Who Hopes the Judge Throws the Fuckin’ Book at Lallana

  30. Posted by Anonymous | February 25, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    Can anyone get a hold of Liz Clamans water bottle?

  31. Posted by Anonymous | February 25, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    Can anyone get a hold of Liz Clamans water bottle?

  32. Posted by Anal_yst | February 25, 2011 at 6:37 PM

    Or he’s just mental, but I mean, either/or

  33. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:40 PM

    There is a really intense debate going on here on whether or not to use Sheen’s image or Lallana’s image next to the word “dumbass”.

    -United Dictionary Producer’s “Associated Image” Committee

  34. Posted by Person Who Was Told | February 25, 2011 at 6:41 PM

    I was told it was like “warm beer”.

  35. Posted by Chuddy | February 25, 2011 at 6:42 PM

    Note to self, after jacking-it into a co-workers drinking apparatus, dispose of said apparatus immediately.

    Got it.

  36. Posted by Sic 'em | February 25, 2011 at 6:47 PM

    It looks as though he wanted to use an IED against her: an improvised ejaculation device. Should Lallana thus be treated as a terrorist?

  37. Posted by Sic 'em | February 25, 2011 at 6:47 PM

    It looks as though he wanted to use an IED against her: an improvised ejaculation device. Should Lallana thus be treated as a terrorist?

  38. Posted by Sic 'em | February 25, 2011 at 6:47 PM

    It looks as though he wanted to use an IED against her: an improvised ejaculation device. Should Lallana thus be treated as a terrorist?

  39. Posted by The Observer | February 25, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    Well at least he didn’t tamper with his marriage.

  40. Posted by The Observer | February 25, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    Well at least he didn’t tamper with his marriage.

  41. Posted by The Observer | February 25, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    Well at least he didn’t tamper with his marriage.

  42. Posted by trojan | February 25, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    way to ruin the moment

  43. Posted by trojan | February 25, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    way to ruin the moment

  44. Posted by trojan | February 25, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    way to ruin the moment

  45. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    OK, idiot, so if my girlfriend puts in an IED for birth control does that make her a terrorist? I don’t think so. What is wrong with you?

    -AIG Quant

  46. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    OK, idiot, so if my girlfriend puts in an IED for birth control does that make her a terrorist? I don’t think so. What is wrong with you?

    -AIG Quant

  47. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    OK, idiot, so if my girlfriend puts in an IED for birth control does that make her a terrorist? I don’t think so. What is wrong with you?

    -AIG Quant

  48. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    OK, idiot, so if my girlfriend puts in an IED for birth control does that make her a terrorist? I don’t think so. What is wrong with you?

    -AIG Quant

  49. Posted by Peter Kenny | February 25, 2011 at 6:58 PM

    Ask your sister polesmoking motherfucker.

  50. Posted by guest | February 25, 2011 at 7:00 PM

    Oh OK now I get it. Thanks, BL.
    - guy who was wondering why a person would do something like that

  51. Posted by guest | February 25, 2011 at 7:00 PM

    Oh OK now I get it. Thanks, BL.
    - guy who was wondering why a person would do something like that

  52. Posted by DNA R US | February 25, 2011 at 7:03 PM

    Assisting your hot girlfriend in a semen taste-test is the NKI.

  53. Posted by DNA R US | February 25, 2011 at 7:03 PM

    Assisting your hot girlfriend in a semen taste-test is the NKI.

  54. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 7:05 PM

    I don’t understand this kind of men.

    - Ping

  55. Posted by Just Sayin' | February 25, 2011 at 7:05 PM

    I and my friends regularly shit in the funnel cake batter at Six Flags, no one ever complained.

  56. Posted by Lord Humongous | February 25, 2011 at 7:07 PM

    FAIL

  57. Posted by Guess | February 25, 2011 at 7:16 PM

    No one understands them. They don’t make sense and need help.

  58. Posted by Northwestern Mutual | February 25, 2011 at 7:18 PM

    The quiet company

  59. Posted by DitchDiggers | February 25, 2011 at 7:22 PM

    How does one fit his ‘junk’ inside a water bottle? Is this dude Asian?

    ~ guy who likes to stereotype

  60. Posted by Jeff Macke | February 25, 2011 at 7:24 PM

    This is why you always, always, always pay a hobo to jack off into the bottle.

  61. Posted by BackOfficeSales | February 25, 2011 at 7:34 PM

    I wonder if the inmates will make him drink his own tainted bottle after being anally familiarized with him?

  62. Posted by Mr Pitt | February 25, 2011 at 7:43 PM

    touchy? and it’s Moland Spring, ever since the merger

  63. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    Weak, very weak. They killed Kenny! Again…

  64. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:02 PM

    This behavior is totally unacceptable. Tiff G isn’t even moderately attractive.

  65. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:02 PM

    This behavior is totally unacceptable. Tiff G isn’t even moderately attractive.

  66. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:05 PM

    But where’s my cup?

    -Tiff’s fiancee

  67. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:06 PM

    concurred.

  68. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:06 PM

    concurred.

  69. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:07 PM

    that’s why I use a solo cup.

  70. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:07 PM

    that’s why I use a solo cup.

  71. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:08 PM

    this just got all kinds of fucked up.

  72. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:45 PM

    Was she wearing a lab coat and goggles while her boyfriend jerked into the water bottle to make the experiment seem more scientific? I wonder how pissed off the boyfriend will be when it comes out that she used a much larger sample size before reaching her conclusion. Finally, with a name like Tiffany, was she automatically qualified by the court as an expect in the taste of semen?

  73. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:47 PM

    Using half a brain here. If he put it in her hand cream instead, he would have seen her rubbing it all over herself, in addition to her smelling like him all day. Probably worked in back office.

  74. Posted by guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:47 PM

    how did they figure out it was him…it could’ve been anyone? did they make all male employees jizz in a bottle?

  75. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 8:49 PM

    Looks like his was jizzing in a bottle when that pic was taken. Guilty.

  76. Posted by Lindsey | February 25, 2011 at 9:04 PM

    Is it cheating when you drink someone else’s seamen?

  77. Posted by guestee jackson | February 25, 2011 at 9:14 PM

    Sheen’s a hero in my book

  78. Posted by Commenter with Clarity | February 25, 2011 at 9:16 PM

    Where, oh where, is Confused Commenter?

  79. Posted by Commenter with Clarity | February 25, 2011 at 9:16 PM

    Where, oh where, is Confused Commenter?

  80. Posted by Commenter with Clarity | February 25, 2011 at 9:16 PM

    Where, oh where, is Confused Commenter?

  81. Posted by CharlieShit | February 25, 2011 at 9:42 PM

    The “cup” is always handy and it seems women don’t have problem with that.

  82. Posted by Charlieshit | February 25, 2011 at 9:48 PM

    Have you ever jerk off using your hand/s? Does your semen needs a drum to catch it?

  83. Posted by Guest | February 25, 2011 at 10:03 PM

    best tags ever? maybe.

  84. Posted by guest | February 25, 2011 at 10:27 PM

    How does semen taste and smell?

    E.Burnelt

  85. Posted by Anonymous | February 25, 2011 at 10:29 PM

    I would normally say rtf article, but in the interests of education, I’ll just quote from said article,

    “Lallana also gave investigators a DNA sample.” Also, again from the article, he did it once when they were in the Newport Beach office, and once again after they had been transferred to the office in Orange. Seeing as how the authorities could probably narrow down the number of suspects to those who had been in both offices, MKL was likely one of only a small group of potential bottle-cummers.

  86. Posted by fragga | February 25, 2011 at 10:53 PM
  87. Posted by macro | February 25, 2011 at 10:56 PM

    +1

  88. Posted by Sea-men | February 26, 2011 at 12:57 AM

    “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the new sample and comparing it to the other one, she determined it was.

    So there was less difference than between Pepsi and Coke? What is she whining? She enjoys the same stuff at home.

    Sea-men

  89. Posted by cody | February 26, 2011 at 1:50 AM

    is the bottle the new sock?

  90. Posted by Guest | February 26, 2011 at 2:42 AM

    seeduction, you mean?

  91. Posted by Irish Curse | February 26, 2011 at 2:48 AM

    this guy is out of his Phlipping mind…

  92. Posted by news junkie | February 26, 2011 at 4:08 AM

    That a Northwestern Mutual agent did something outrageous like this to a co-worker is far less of a story that the outrageous things Northwestern Mutual has been doing to hundreds of thousands of its policyholders for decades — see http://www.NorthwesternLawsuit.com

  93. Posted by guest | February 26, 2011 at 6:07 AM

    Yack! Disgusting!

    -Erin B.

  94. Posted by Guest | February 26, 2011 at 3:14 PM

    I’m sure this guy’s going to be real popular in prison. I suspect he’s going to get a taste of his own medicine. What cums around, goes around…

    –guy who doesn’t usually pun but got 2 in 1 comment.

  95. Posted by Guest | February 26, 2011 at 6:50 PM

    kill yourself

  96. Posted by Guest | February 28, 2011 at 2:39 PM

    I’m not even sure how you came up with this, but well done.

  97. Posted by Guests | February 28, 2011 at 9:12 PM

    “potential bottle-cummers” – Can’t like this enough!

  98. Posted by Hauntedbythedetails | March 3, 2011 at 11:32 PM

    Ok. So why is that the picture of Tiffany G in the CBS story looks like she has something in her mouth, and is either swishing it around or is about to spit it out?

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