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Financial Services Employee Explains Why He Inserted His DNA Into A Colleague’s Water Bottle

Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions? He was found guilty yesterday and today, we finally have some clarity on why he did it and how his victim found out.

First off, the discovery of the crime. The first time it happened, MKL’s coworker (identified only as “Tiffany G”) unknowingly took a swig and tasted what she “believed” to be semen but wasn’t sure. “I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said. The second time she decided to test her theory. After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the new sample and comparing it to the other one, she determined it was.

Just to be sure, Tiffany sent the bottle MKL had left for her to a lab to be tested, the results of which confirmed her hunch and ultimately got Mike convicted of assault and battery. Why did he do it? Well he found Tiffany to be quite the attractive woman. He wanted to get close to her but 1) he figured a hot chick like her would never go for a guy like him and 2) he was married so he decided this would be the next best thing.

Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he ejaculated into the water bottle because “her lips had touched it…It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives.

Did he actually want her to, you know, drink it? Of course not. What do you take him for, some sick, maladjusted fuck?

“Can I honestly say I wanted her to drink it? No,” Lallana said in the taped interview. “Why I left it there, I don’t know.”

Only the water bottle knows.

Man Found Guilty In Semen Assault Case [IP]

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138 Responses to “Financial Services Employee Explains Why He Inserted His DNA Into A Colleague’s Water Bottle”

  1. Peter Kenny says:

    “Is it my imagination or does this Poland Spring taste like Clorox and lemon juice?”

  2. Peter Kenny says:

    “Is it my imagination or does this Poland Spring taste like Clorox and lemon juice?”

  3. trojan says:

    After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the sample, she determined it was.

    -CSI: DB

    • AZP says:

      It is a good thing both of them don’t drink pineapple juice, otherwise this case may have never gotten solved

  4. trojan says:

    After finding what appeared to be yet another bottle of water laced with semen, Tiffany took the evidence in question home and ran an experiment, wherein she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the sample, she determined it was.

    -CSI: DB

  5. AZP says:

    She had it cumming to her…WORDPLAY!

  6. Anonymous says:

    “It Came From Eighth Grade”

  7. Hu says:

    He has no morals and clearly no money either… or he could have just called a hooker

  8. Guest says:

    The timeless art of seduction.

  9. Anonymous says:

    This story would have been a LOT better if she would have gone into some detail about how she “incentivized” her fiance to inject his ejaculate into sample bottle.

    Just sayin’.

  10. SurgeonGenerale says:

    Tiff must swallow at least on occassion, good to know

  11. SurgeonGenerale says:

    Tiff must swallow at least on occassion, good to know

  12. CT says:

    “hon jerk off into this water bottle would you? I’m doing an experiement” tag FTW

  13. CT says:

    “hon jerk off into this water bottle would you? I’m doing an experiement” tag FTW

  14. Stiffler says:

    Cry me a river.

  15. Double-blind semen taste tests FTW

  16. Oral_yst says:

    Was that wrong?

  17. Thank God For History Majors says:

    Yes! Careers in Finance!

  18. streetman says:

    Floaters…

  19. Ping says:

    Her female instincts were right! Told ya Andrew!

  20. God says:

    give him life in prison

  21. ThinCandyShell says:

    BL, as usual, your tags FTW.

  22. Decent Guy says:

    I don’t think he wanted to be “close” to her. I think he wanted to taunt –in his mind– whomever she had a relationship with.

    -Decent Guy Who Hopes the Judge Throws the Fuckin’ Book at Lallana

  23. Decent Guy says:

    I don’t think he wanted to be “close” to her. I think he wanted to taunt –in his mind– whomever she had a relationship with.

    -Decent Guy Who Hopes the Judge Throws the Fuckin’ Book at Lallana

  24. Anonymous says:

    Can anyone get a hold of Liz Clamans water bottle?

  25. Anonymous says:

    Can anyone get a hold of Liz Clamans water bottle?

  26. Guest says:

    There is a really intense debate going on here on whether or not to use Sheen’s image or Lallana’s image next to the word “dumbass”.

    -United Dictionary Producer’s “Associated Image” Committee

  27. Chuddy says:

    Note to self, after jacking-it into a co-workers drinking apparatus, dispose of said apparatus immediately.

    Got it.

  28. Sic 'em says:

    It looks as though he wanted to use an IED against her: an improvised ejaculation device. Should Lallana thus be treated as a terrorist?

  29. Sic 'em says:

    It looks as though he wanted to use an IED against her: an improvised ejaculation device. Should Lallana thus be treated as a terrorist?

    • Guest says:

      OK, idiot, so if my girlfriend puts in an IED for birth control does that make her a terrorist? I don’t think so. What is wrong with you?

      -AIG Quant

    • Guest says:

      OK, idiot, so if my girlfriend puts in an IED for birth control does that make her a terrorist? I don’t think so. What is wrong with you?

      -AIG Quant

    • Guest says:

      OK, idiot, so if my girlfriend puts in an IED for birth control does that make her a terrorist? I don’t think so. What is wrong with you?

      -AIG Quant

    • Guest says:

      OK, idiot, so if my girlfriend puts in an IED for birth control does that make her a terrorist? I don’t think so. What is wrong with you?

      -AIG Quant

  30. Sic 'em says:

    It looks as though he wanted to use an IED against her: an improvised ejaculation device. Should Lallana thus be treated as a terrorist?

  31. The Observer says:

    Well at least he didn’t tamper with his marriage.

  32. The Observer says:

    Well at least he didn’t tamper with his marriage.

  33. The Observer says:

    Well at least he didn’t tamper with his marriage.

  34. guest says:

    Oh OK now I get it. Thanks, BL.
    – guy who was wondering why a person would do something like that

  35. guest says:

    Oh OK now I get it. Thanks, BL.
    – guy who was wondering why a person would do something like that

  36. DNA R US says:

    Assisting your hot girlfriend in a semen taste-test is the NKI.

  37. DNA R US says:

    Assisting your hot girlfriend in a semen taste-test is the NKI.

  38. Guest says:

    I don’t understand this kind of men.

    – Ping

  39. Guess says:

    No one understands them. They don’t make sense and need help.

  40. Northwestern Mutual says:

    The quiet company

  41. DitchDiggers says:

    How does one fit his ‘junk’ inside a water bottle? Is this dude Asian?

    ~ guy who likes to stereotype

  42. Jeff Macke says:

    This is why you always, always, always pay a hobo to jack off into the bottle.

  43. BackOfficeSales says:

    I wonder if the inmates will make him drink his own tainted bottle after being anally familiarized with him?

  44. Guest says:

    This behavior is totally unacceptable. Tiff G isn’t even moderately attractive.

  45. Guest says:

    This behavior is totally unacceptable. Tiff G isn’t even moderately attractive.

  46. Guest says:

    Was she wearing a lab coat and goggles while her boyfriend jerked into the water bottle to make the experiment seem more scientific? I wonder how pissed off the boyfriend will be when it comes out that she used a much larger sample size before reaching her conclusion. Finally, with a name like Tiffany, was she automatically qualified by the court as an expect in the taste of semen?

  47. Guest says:

    Using half a brain here. If he put it in her hand cream instead, he would have seen her rubbing it all over herself, in addition to her smelling like him all day. Probably worked in back office.

  48. guest says:

    how did they figure out it was him…it could’ve been anyone? did they make all male employees jizz in a bottle?

    • Anonymous says:

      I would normally say rtf article, but in the interests of education, I’ll just quote from said article,

      “Lallana also gave investigators a DNA sample.” Also, again from the article, he did it once when they were in the Newport Beach office, and once again after they had been transferred to the office in Orange. Seeing as how the authorities could probably narrow down the number of suspects to those who had been in both offices, MKL was likely one of only a small group of potential bottle-cummers.

  49. Guest says:

    Looks like his was jizzing in a bottle when that pic was taken. Guilty.

  50. Lindsey says:

    Is it cheating when you drink someone else’s seamen?

  51. CharlieShit says:

    The “cup” is always handy and it seems women don’t have problem with that.

  52. Guest says:

    best tags ever? maybe.

  53. guest says:

    How does semen taste and smell?

    E.Burnelt

  54. Sea-men says:

    “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.” After testing the new sample and comparing it to the other one, she determined it was.

    So there was less difference than between Pepsi and Coke? What is she whining? She enjoys the same stuff at home.

    Sea-men

  55. news junkie says:

    That a Northwestern Mutual agent did something outrageous like this to a co-worker is far less of a story that the outrageous things Northwestern Mutual has been doing to hundreds of thousands of its policyholders for decades — see http://www.NorthwesternLawsuit.com

  56. guest says:

    Yack! Disgusting!

    -Erin B.

  57. Guest says:

    I’m sure this guy’s going to be real popular in prison. I suspect he’s going to get a taste of his own medicine. What cums around, goes around…

    –guy who doesn’t usually pun but got 2 in 1 comment.

  58. Hauntedbythedetails says:

    Ok. So why is that the picture of Tiffany G in the CBS story looks like she has something in her mouth, and is either swishing it around or is about to spit it out?

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