She’s part of the former Treasury Secretary’s reading material this month.


“We Russians, you know, we know all the secrets, but I didn’t know I was landing on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and it was so surprising to me,” Irina Shayk said. “I was in shock; I was crying.”

Earlier: Hank “Sometimes locked myself in the bathroom with Sports Illustrated to relax”

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Comments (136)

  1. Posted by xx | February 15, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    furiously masturbating.

  2. Posted by Confused Commenter | February 15, 2011 at 4:04 PM

    So its ok to start? I never know.

    /furiously unzips

  3. Posted by Chuddy | February 15, 2011 at 4:07 PM

    Fake lips

    Fake boobies

    Fake vagine?

    They sure dont make broads the way they used to………

    ~ Slick Willy Clinton

  4. Posted by Ditch Diggers | February 15, 2011 at 4:08 PM

    I’d like to check her oil………..

    ~ Guy who likes checking Russian broads for oil

  5. Posted by Guest | February 15, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    Hank rhymes with Yank…..Just saying……

    I’m with #1, its moving all over the place….

  6. Posted by NtrainRusski | February 15, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    Too Brighton Beach, didn’t read.

  7. Posted by Gentleman Trader | February 15, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    i approve!

    -B. Roethlisberger

  8. Posted by James_Altucher | February 15, 2011 at 4:10 PM
  9. Posted by xx | February 15, 2011 at 4:10 PM

    I r ina. I see what you did there.

    -Guy who is good with names

  10. Posted by xx | February 15, 2011 at 4:10 PM

    I r ina. I see what you did there.

    -Guy who is good with names

  11. Posted by xx | February 15, 2011 at 4:10 PM

    I r ina. I see what you did there.

    -Guy who is good with names

  12. Posted by Unzipping Furiously | February 15, 2011 at 4:13 PM

    Those tits will get old. Eventually. But not for a loooong time yet

  13. Posted by Unzipping Furiously | February 15, 2011 at 4:13 PM

    Those tits will get old. Eventually. But not for a loooong time yet

  14. Posted by Unzipping Furiously | February 15, 2011 at 4:13 PM

    Those tits will get old. Eventually. But not for a loooong time yet

  15. Posted by Guest | February 15, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    into a cup?

  16. Posted by Guest | February 15, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    into a cup?

  17. Posted by Guest | February 15, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    into a cup?

  18. Posted by RoShambo | February 15, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    ….and that was the second time I woke up with a bottle of Pinot Grigio shoved up my ass.

  19. Posted by RoShambo | February 15, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    ….and that was the second time I woke up with a bottle of Pinot Grigio shoved up my ass.

  20. Posted by trojan | February 15, 2011 at 4:16 PM

    SI doesn’t roll like that. everything done post-shoot in adobe

  21. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 15, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    Bar Refaeli > Irina Shayk

    -Reformed Jew

  22. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 15, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    Bar Refaeli > Irina Shayk

    -Reformed Jew

  23. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 15, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    Bar Refaeli > Irina Shayk

    -Reformed Jew

  24. Posted by Richard Cripples | February 15, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    Red flag!
    - Hillary Rodham Clinton

  25. Posted by Richard Cripples | February 15, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    Red flag!
    - Hillary Rodham Clinton

  26. Posted by Richard Cripples | February 15, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    Red flag!
    - Hillary Rodham Clinton

  27. Posted by Anagram Guy | February 15, 2011 at 4:21 PM

    Some possible anagrams for Irina Shayk:

    Sharia Inky
    A Rakish Yin
    A Hairs Inky
    A Hairy Skin
    A Hairy Sink
    A Hairy Inks
    A Hanky Iris
    A Airy Knish
    A Yank Irish

  28. Posted by Russian CurrencyTrader | February 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    I wish this woman i had when i was living in Russia. My wife, she is worst cook in all of Petropavlovsk! Day after day it is borsk for breakfast, borsk for lunch, borsk for dinner! is always same thing! i say to her “Svetlana, man can not live on borsk alone!” is too much to ask for occasional bear meat pie or goat and beet stew? I work all day long in barrel factory, and come home so hungry i could eat a thousand kilos of boar meat! when we are first married she is greatest bear hunter in all of Petropavlovsk, she kill so many bear, in village they call her Lobanov-Rostovsky which loosely translates to “the killer of many bearcubs who feels no sadness for their mothers”. My brother Mikhail, he is very wise, he says woman is most beautiful when she is dragging bear corpse into home. Long ago she is very attractive woman, built like American actress Rosie O’Donnel, years later she is all bones and skin from too much borsk. It is unpleasant to have relations. Perhaps if she have boobs like soviet lady she would cook me a “creamy tuna casserole”, then maybe i not leave her in russia with children and come to America, and she would not be killed by bear! Hahaha! Alas, is not possible to go backwards in time to deliver boobs.

  29. Posted by Russian CurrencyTrader | February 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    I wish this woman i had when i was living in Russia. My wife, she is worst cook in all of Petropavlovsk! Day after day it is borsk for breakfast, borsk for lunch, borsk for dinner! is always same thing! i say to her “Svetlana, man can not live on borsk alone!” is too much to ask for occasional bear meat pie or goat and beet stew? I work all day long in barrel factory, and come home so hungry i could eat a thousand kilos of boar meat! when we are first married she is greatest bear hunter in all of Petropavlovsk, she kill so many bear, in village they call her Lobanov-Rostovsky which loosely translates to “the killer of many bearcubs who feels no sadness for their mothers”. My brother Mikhail, he is very wise, he says woman is most beautiful when she is dragging bear corpse into home. Long ago she is very attractive woman, built like American actress Rosie O’Donnel, years later she is all bones and skin from too much borsk. It is unpleasant to have relations. Perhaps if she have boobs like soviet lady she would cook me a “creamy tuna casserole”, then maybe i not leave her in russia with children and come to America, and she would not be killed by bear! Hahaha! Alas, is not possible to go backwards in time to deliver boobs.

  30. Posted by Russian CurrencyTrader | February 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    I wish this woman i had when i was living in Russia. My wife, she is worst cook in all of Petropavlovsk! Day after day it is borsk for breakfast, borsk for lunch, borsk for dinner! is always same thing! i say to her “Svetlana, man can not live on borsk alone!” is too much to ask for occasional bear meat pie or goat and beet stew? I work all day long in barrel factory, and come home so hungry i could eat a thousand kilos of boar meat! when we are first married she is greatest bear hunter in all of Petropavlovsk, she kill so many bear, in village they call her Lobanov-Rostovsky which loosely translates to “the killer of many bearcubs who feels no sadness for their mothers”. My brother Mikhail, he is very wise, he says woman is most beautiful when she is dragging bear corpse into home. Long ago she is very attractive woman, built like American actress Rosie O’Donnel, years later she is all bones and skin from too much borsk. It is unpleasant to have relations. Perhaps if she have boobs like soviet lady she would cook me a “creamy tuna casserole”, then maybe i not leave her in russia with children and come to America, and she would not be killed by bear! Hahaha! Alas, is not possible to go backwards in time to deliver boobs.

  31. Posted by Russian CurrencyTrader | February 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    I wish this woman i had when i was living in Russia. My wife, she is worst cook in all of Petropavlovsk! Day after day it is borsk for breakfast, borsk for lunch, borsk for dinner! is always same thing! i say to her “Svetlana, man can not live on borsk alone!” is too much to ask for occasional bear meat pie or goat and beet stew? I work all day long in barrel factory, and come home so hungry i could eat a thousand kilos of boar meat! when we are first married she is greatest bear hunter in all of Petropavlovsk, she kill so many bear, in village they call her Lobanov-Rostovsky which loosely translates to “the killer of many bearcubs who feels no sadness for their mothers”. My brother Mikhail, he is very wise, he says woman is most beautiful when she is dragging bear corpse into home. Long ago she is very attractive woman, built like American actress Rosie O’Donnel, years later she is all bones and skin from too much borsk. It is unpleasant to have relations. Perhaps if she have boobs like soviet lady she would cook me a “creamy tuna casserole”, then maybe i not leave her in russia with children and come to America, and she would not be killed by bear! Hahaha! Alas, is not possible to go backwards in time to deliver boobs.

  32. Posted by Russian CurrencyTrader | February 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    I wish this woman i had when i was living in Russia. My wife, she is worst cook in all of Petropavlovsk! Day after day it is borsk for breakfast, borsk for lunch, borsk for dinner! is always same thing! i say to her “Svetlana, man can not live on borsk alone!” is too much to ask for occasional bear meat pie or goat and beet stew? I work all day long in barrel factory, and come home so hungry i could eat a thousand kilos of boar meat! when we are first married she is greatest bear hunter in all of Petropavlovsk, she kill so many bear, in village they call her Lobanov-Rostovsky which loosely translates to “the killer of many bearcubs who feels no sadness for their mothers”. My brother Mikhail, he is very wise, he says woman is most beautiful when she is dragging bear corpse into home. Long ago she is very attractive woman, built like American actress Rosie O’Donnel, years later she is all bones and skin from too much borsk. It is unpleasant to have relations. Perhaps if she have boobs like soviet lady she would cook me a “creamy tuna casserole”, then maybe i not leave her in russia with children and come to America, and she would not be killed by bear! Hahaha! Alas, is not possible to go backwards in time to deliver boobs.

  33. Posted by Russian CurrencyTrader | February 15, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    I wish this woman i had when i was living in Russia. My wife, she is worst cook in all of Petropavlovsk! Day after day it is borsk for breakfast, borsk for lunch, borsk for dinner! is always same thing! i say to her “Svetlana, man can not live on borsk alone!” is too much to ask for occasional bear meat pie or goat and beet stew? I work all day long in barrel factory, and come home so hungry i could eat a thousand kilos of boar meat! when we are first married she is greatest bear hunter in all of Petropavlovsk, she kill so many bear, in village they call her Lobanov-Rostovsky which loosely translates to “the killer of many bearcubs who feels no sadness for their mothers”. My brother Mikhail, he is very wise, he says woman is most beautiful when she is dragging bear corpse into home. Long ago she is very attractive woman, built like American actress Rosie O’Donnel, years later she is all bones and skin from too much borsk. It is unpleasant to have relations. Perhaps if she have boobs like soviet lady she would cook me a “creamy tuna casserole”, then maybe i not leave her in russia with children and come to America, and she would not be killed by bear! Hahaha! Alas, is not possible to go backwards in time to deliver boobs.

  34. Posted by Boris the Blade | February 15, 2011 at 4:30 PM

    too old

  35. Posted by Guest | February 15, 2011 at 4:36 PM

    I’m really feeling the Asperger’s in this thread…

  36. Posted by D. Brown | February 15, 2011 at 4:36 PM

    I’d ruin her Thursday night any night!

  37. Posted by B. Roethlisberger | February 15, 2011 at 4:41 PM

    She’d only have to say no, once, for me to force myself on her.

  38. Posted by B. Roethlisberger | February 15, 2011 at 4:41 PM

    She’d only have to say no, once, for me to force myself on her.

  39. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 15, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    All in a day’s work.

  40. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 15, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    All in a day’s work.

  41. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 15, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    All in a day’s work.

  42. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 15, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    All in a day’s work.

  43. Posted by Lowly Assistant | February 15, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    All in a day’s work.

  44. Posted by PasteSpecialFormats | February 15, 2011 at 4:47 PM

    Whoa, make sure you check for TV equipment first.

    -Dave Kiely

  45. Posted by GungaGungalunga | February 15, 2011 at 4:50 PM

    In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida…..honey…..

  46. Posted by Chuddy | February 15, 2011 at 5:15 PM

    My wand would look like a ‘baseball bat in a garbage can’ in between those giant balloons.

    ~ guy who thinks he’s adequate until he watches youporn.com

  47. Posted by Anonymous | February 15, 2011 at 5:32 PM

    In Soviet Russia, meat beats you.

  48. Posted by trojan | February 15, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    in capitalist Russia, > mean <

  49. Posted by trojan | February 15, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    in capitalist Russia, > mean <

  50. Posted by trojan | February 15, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    in capitalist Russia, > mean <

  51. Posted by trojan | February 15, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    in capitalist Russia, > mean <

  52. Posted by Elliot Spitzer | February 15, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    So this is the kind of reading going down in the Christian Science reading room. I’m converting!

  53. Posted by Elliot Spitzer | February 15, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    So this is the kind of reading going down in the Christian Science reading room. I’m converting!

  54. Posted by Elliot Spitzer | February 15, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    So this is the kind of reading going down in the Christian Science reading room. I’m converting!

  55. Posted by Elliot Spitzer | February 15, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    So this is the kind of reading going down in the Christian Science reading room. I’m converting!

  56. Posted by Gozer | February 15, 2011 at 5:47 PM

    I would drink her bath water

  57. Posted by Heywoodja | February 15, 2011 at 5:52 PM

    That is definitely sex swing suspended above the trading floor slam piece material.

  58. Posted by Anonymous | February 15, 2011 at 6:08 PM

    Agreed.

    M. Sanchez

  59. Posted by Onion Links = NKI | February 15, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    CC – if you’re looking for side work, well-respected and reliable news sources report some opportunities in the equestrian field, and they even stole your tagline:

    http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/video/breaking-vets-rush-to-masturbate-dying-racehorse-t,19182/

  60. Posted by Clubbing It | February 15, 2011 at 7:27 PM

    I’m feeling something else

    /movement to and fro

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