Earlier today, we examined the government’s criminal complaint against two former SAC Capital employees, Donald Longueuil and Noah Freeman. Of particular interest was a conversation between the two men that took place on December 20, 2010, in which they met and discussed a recent Wall Street Journal article that detailed the Feds growing case against insider traders. Longueuil, who unfortunately did not know that Freeman was cooperating with the FBI at the time, told his boy he’d destroyed his “log” as well as two external hard drives containing “wafer data.” Freeman, the little minx, inquired as to how that was possible, pressing Longueuil for specifics which Longueuil happily provided. The play-by-play was so riveting, the details so rich (ex: we know two (2) pairs of pliers and a North Face were involved), that we felt like we were there that night. It was the sort of thing that begs for a dramatic reading and we decided we’ll be doing just that (the proceeds of which will go toward a Leave Steve Alone! or Back The Shit Off SAC or We’re Pulling For Ya, Big Guy fund).
While we’re only in the beginning stages of casting ideas (unknowns or established actors? is Longueuil more of a Busey or a Christopher Walken? Does he have a Puerto Rican accent? Should Freeman’s role be performed in black face or in drag? etc), we’ve had an early self-submission for the part of Donald. It comes from reader who’s a portfolio manager by day/aspiring made-for-radio movie star by night/lunch that writes: “Dear Bess: Attached please find my audition for the role of Donald Longueuil in your upcoming dramatic reading. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact me.”
The clip is ready for your review below. Please note he went off script with an extra “fuckin” before “North Face,” preferring it to the pause in the report. Actors.
The holiday season is nigh and you still haven’t shopped. While you’re dreaming only of sugar plum fairies bearing fat bonuses, you don’t the time to mingle with the riff raff at some big box nightmare. Dealbreaker is here to help. Behold the 2013 Dealbreaker Holiday Gift Guide, chockfull of descriptors like “custom,” “gourmet,” “housecleaning,” and “DB swag.”
Click through to check out all of our gift choices for the hardcore capitalist in your life.