If You’ve Ever Wondered What Donald Longueuil Might’ve Sounded Like On The Cold December Night He Told A Colleague How To Destroy Evidence Of Insider Trading, Wonder No Longer (MP3)

The fleece of choice for traitorous skanks

Earlier today, we examined the government’s criminal complaint against two former SAC Capital employees, Donald Longueuil and Noah Freeman. Of particular interest was a conversation between the two men that took place on December 20, 2010, in which they met and discussed a recent Wall Street Journal article that detailed the Feds growing case against insider traders. Longueuil, who unfortunately did not know that Freeman was cooperating with the FBI at the time, told his boy he’d destroyed his “log” as well as two external hard drives containing “wafer data.” Freeman, the little minx, inquired as to how that was possible, pressing Longueuil for specifics which Longueuil happily provided. The play-by-play was so riveting, the details so rich (ex: we know two (2) pairs of pliers and a North Face were involved), that we felt like we were there that night. It was the sort of thing that begs for a dramatic reading and we decided we’ll be doing just that (the proceeds of which will go toward a Leave Steve Alone! or Back The Shit Off SAC or We’re Pulling For Ya, Big Guy fund).

While we’re only in the beginning stages of casting ideas (unknowns or established actors? is Longueuil more of a Busey or a Christopher Walken? Does he have a Puerto Rican accent? Should Freeman’s role be performed in black face or in drag? etc), we’ve had an early self-submission for the part of Donald. It comes from reader who’s a portfolio manager by day/aspiring made-for-radio movie star by night/lunch that writes: “Dear Bess: Attached please find my audition for the role of Donald Longueuil in your upcoming dramatic reading. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact me.”

The clip is ready for your review below. Please note he went off script with an extra “fuckin” before “North Face,” preferring it to the pause in the report. Actors.

[Click here to listen if the player won’t load]

If you think you or someone you know could make a better Donald, get recording and send your audition tape by sunrise (or whenever).

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25 Responses to “If You’ve Ever Wondered What Donald Longueuil Might’ve Sounded Like On The Cold December Night He Told A Colleague How To Destroy Evidence Of Insider Trading, Wonder No Longer (MP3)”

  1. Guest says:

    Ok, bitches. You really want to do some insider trading? Lemme tell you, not saying I am doing that stuff or ever did the shit in my prior job, but the truth is, you need to the inside to do the inside, if you know what I mean.


  2. Guest says:

    Where is the classical music in the background, Ppl! Too busy making out in schindlers list to learn any thing.

  3. Mitch says:

    You know what else is gone? This a-hole’s freedom, that’s what.

    -L. Dennis Kozlowski

  4. Troy Polomalochua says:

    The North Face is so so absolutely plebeian. Everyone knows Lands End produces the finest synthetic fabrics around.

    /Crazy Eddie Lampert

  5. Katiecook2010 says:

    So that’s how you do it.

    ~ ENE West coast power trader

  6. Guest says:

    I love this site.

  7. Guest says:

    This sounds like a job for Small Furry Animals… or Blair from Gossip Girl.

  8. DJ Scrambles says:

    This sounds like a non-Italian version of the Ray Liotta voiceovers in Goodfellas

  9. Smitty says:

    Bess I would tap your ass till you showed me what you were working with. Repeatedly.

    • Gguest says:

      you sound like the ball-less investors who redeemed from diamondback

      • CT says:

        the diamondback investors, by and large, did not redeem. hence why they were applauded by BL for their balls.

        -reading comprehension, get some of it

  10. CYPTOME says:

    8 February 2011

    Screw Yourself by Destroying Digital Evidence

    For Immediate Release
    February 8, 2011 FBI New York
    Contact: Jim Margolin
    (212) 384-2720

    Full Remarks as Prepared for Delivery by Assistant Director in Charge Janice K. Fedarcyk for Press Conference Regarding Insider Trading Charges Against Three Hedge Fund Portfolio Managers and One Analyst

    The complaint unsealed this morning contains not only a narrative of blatant trafficking in inside information, it also provides the script of a conspiracy to destroy evidence once the defendants became aware the FBI was closing in.

    Sam Barai, Donald Longueuil, Jason Pflaum, Noah Freeman, and others engaged in a multi-year conspiracy to purchase, obtain, and trade on material nonpublic information—an insider trading conspiracy that resulted in aggregate trading profits in the millions of dollars.

    The evidence in this case gives a clear picture of the cynicism that underlies the so-called “research” upon which these defendants made trading decisions.

    Paying insiders for quarterly earnings data before it’s announced isn’t “research” in any conventional—or legal—sense. It’s cheating.

    Perhaps the most brazen conduct detailed in the complaint deals were the efforts of Barai and Longueuil to cover their tracks immediately after the November 19 news accounts of the FBI’s investigation.

    Communicating with an FBI cooperator via Blackberry Messenger, Barai told him, “Delete your BBM chatter.” When the cooperator asked the next day, “What else do you think we need to do?” Barai responded, “I think you just go into office. Shred as much as you can. Put all your data files onto an encrypted drive.” Barai told the cooperator to delete all e-mails from two other participants in the insider trading scheme, and said, “I deleted mine.”

    Two days after the initial news reports of the purportedly wide-ranging investigation, Barai arranged to pick up the cooperator’s laptop computer so he could “encrypt it and do a Department of Defense delete so it cannot be undeleted.”

    Longueuil’s efforts to destroy evidence were no less blatant. In his effort to destroy evidence of one crime, he unwittingly left a trove of evidence of another: obstruction.

    Unbeknownst to Longueuil, when he was describing how he mutilated and disposed of a flash drive containing incriminating evidence of insider trading, the person he was talking to was an FBI cooperator recording the conversation. Longueuil told the cooperator, “The night the Wall Street Journal article came out, I pressed the eject button and everything’s [expletive] gone.”

    Longueuil described in detail how he destroyed a flash drive and two external computer drives. He described putting the pieces in four separate plastic bags, and at 2:00 a.m. going for “a twenty block walk around the city” and throwing them in four different garbage trucks.

    On this account, Longueuil certainly seems to have been scrupulously if incriminatingly truthful: video surveillance corroborates his own story of the clandestine late-night disposal of evidence.

    The evidence laid out in the complaint is largely the defendants’ own words. For all their presumed sophistication, they lacked a mobster’s better-honed instincts for conversational discretion. That was to our great advantage.

    The charges and pleas announced today mark neither the beginning nor the end of the FBI’s investigation. We anticipate our investigation will continue for some time, and result in additional arrests.

    Thanks, as always, to Preet Bharara, Boyd Johnson, Rich Zabel, and Chris Garcia; and to the Assistant U.S. Attorneys prosecuting this case, Avi Weitzman, David Leibowitz, and Andrew Michaelson.

    Thanks to Rob Khuzami and the Securities and Exchange Commission.

    And congratulations to FBI case agent B.J. Kang for his continued outstanding work.

  11. Otiscrackhauer says:

    Who exactly are we pulling for here? These are the hacks who are eating our lunch, not by working harder, or being smarter, or in any way better, but by cheating. I love you BL, but you’re backing the wrong horse. Lock em in a cell with a serial rapist and let them bleed.

    • Anonymous says:

      In what way do you think Bess (or the rest of the DB commentariat for that matter) is pulling for these jokers? Seems to me that all she’s done is make them available for pretty consistent sarcastic ridicule since the story broke.

      • Otiscrackhauer says:

        I suppose I thought there would be better causes to support than the “Leave Steve Alone!” or “Back The Shit Off SAC” or “We’re Pulling For Ya, Big Guy” funds. Say, for example the “Legalize Forcible Anal Rape of Douchebags Who Give The Rest of Us A Bad Name” fund, or the “Hang Em By Their Fingernails” foundation.

  12. You’re truly correct on this one!!

  13. Eliana Haak says:

    Being a twitter account gets more popular, which is when the spam issues start to arrise
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