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Jeffrey Gundlach’s Self-Described “Stunning Market Insight” Has Taken A Toll On His Sex Toys

Those of you who are familiar with superhero culture know that there is always a downside to have special powers. Sure, there are the highs of being able to, for instance, fight crime and fly, but more often than not, you can’t have a normal life and often times are forced to put aside the people and things you love in order to use your gift for the greater good of society. Spiderman and Batman, for example, at various times in their lives had to give up being with the women they loved due to concerns for their safety and because it wasn’t fair to the girls, always being put second to humanity, which needed their respective man’s help. Someone who knows this conflict all too well? Jeffrey Gundlach.

Gundlach, who is known to have asked dining companions, “What’s it like having lunch with a genius” and forced people to refer to him as “The Godfather” and “The Pope,” is the “Bond King” who was fired from TCW in late 2009, where in his office a library of porn and dildos of every color of the rainbow were found. He went on to set up a new shop called DoubleLine and success has followed. The firm’s DoubleLine Total Return Bond Fund “outperformed every one of the 91 bond funds in the Morningstar intermediate-bond-fund universe in 2010, despite launching only in April” and “notched a total return of 16.6%, compared with returns of 8.36% for the giant Pimco Total Return Fund.” And while some if not all managers would look at performance as something to be envied, Gundlach sees it somewhat differently. He tells Barron’s:

“Look, I have a gift, or some would say a curse, of being able to have stunning insight into the reality of markets and the economy,” Gundlach says, dressed resplendently at this particular moment in a well-tailored Italian suit with matching green tie and pocket square. “I don’t often know where my ideas come from. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m obsessively regimented in my analysis, borderline autistic. But whether it’s bond selection or asset allocation, we can do it better than just about anybody around.”

It’s probably difficult for those lacking such stunning insight to comprehend how such an ability could be a curse. Gundlach doesn’t get into that aspect further but the end of his Barron’s profile reveals a hint.

He charges TCW with employing “smear tactics…to destroy our business.” As for “the sex tapes and such,” he says, they represented “a closed chapter in my life.”

Given that someone who has the entire Ass Traffic series on file in his office, in addition to A Trip Down Mammary Lane, Weapons of Ass Destruction, Dr. Fellatio 1-16, plus restraining devices, brown rubber penises, pink chrome penises, and blue glass penises doesn’t just voluntarily “close” the book, it’s clear that Gundlach had to make the heartbreaking decision to spend his time putting his gift to work for DoubleLine clients and rather than neglecting his one true loves, donated them to someone who could treat them right.

But it doesn’t mean he’s ever stopped thinking about them. Some day, when all this is over, they’ll be together again.

Jeffrey Gundlach Is The King Of Bonds [Barron’s]

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27 Responses to “Jeffrey Gundlach’s Self-Described “Stunning Market Insight” Has Taken A Toll On His Sex Toys”

  1. BillGross says:

    Jeff, hi, it’s me, Billie Djee. Meet me at Minetta’s. Gangbang my convexity so I know it’s you.
    ~WM Gross

  2. Guest says:

    Call me a cheap guy. I just don’t understand why you get some many expensive penises when a box of markers will suffice.

    – Ping

    • Confucius says:

      Great Ping joke!

      So current and original! I don’t think I’ll ever get tired these. Maybe try throwing in some Minetta or Soviet Russia references in next time.

      • Guest says:

        I am glad you liked it.

        Over time, some of jerks come up with sad one liners saying bad things about my stuff. Thank God you are not of one them. You made my day.

        I really appreciate that you appreciate my writing on DB. I will strive to come up with more items like this. Thank you again for the encouragement.

        – Ping

      • Guest says:

        I am glad you liked it.

        Over time, some of jerks come up with sad one liners saying bad things about my stuff. Thank God you are not of one them. You made my day.

        I really appreciate that you appreciate my writing on DB. I will strive to come up with more items like this. Thank you again for the encouragement.

        – Ping

      • Richard Cripples says:

        At Minettas, marker pings you.

        (I hate myself for doing this)

  3. Guest says:

    Call me a cheap guy. I just don’t understand why you get some many expensive penises when a box of markers will suffice.

    – Ping

  4. DoubleLineLLC says:

    Gundlach during the January 2011 conference call:”it is very easy to explain pre-payment risk in RMBS as a double-penetration: on one side you have pre-payments coming in, on the other, the new RMBS that you can buy with the prepayment cash do not yield as much, so you’re getting fucked both ways”

    • JR says:

      I believe he also compared the potential positive returns from effective hedges as an “effective reacharound”. I wish other financial geniuses could boil down these concepts into such easy to understand analogies.

    • Anonymous says:

      How did he explain tightening PAC bands?

  5. Guest says:

    He couldn’t pull the trigger on calling the new place DoublePenetration – could he

  6. AVN says:

    Bess, you left off the well respected video “Gang Bang My Face”, other than that no concerns.

  7. Mein10years says:

    Jeff,

    Call me -we need to work on that face.

    – Steve Erhardt

  8. Raymond Babbitt says:

    Autism speaks, says “Fuck me harder!”

  9. Raymond Babbitt says:

    Autism speaks, says “Fuck me harder!”

  10. Anonymous says:

    “… dressed resplendently at this particular moment in a well-tailored Italian suit with matching green tie and pocket square.”

    Green suit, green tie and green pocket square? THE RIDDLER!

    -Batman

  11. Anonymous says:

    “… dressed resplendently at this particular moment in a well-tailored Italian suit with matching green tie and pocket square.”

    Green suit, green tie and green pocket square? THE RIDDLER!

    -Batman

  12. Mayan Prophecy 2012 says:

    Based on this new information we have moved our end times date from 12/21/2012 to tomorrow afternoon.

  13. Alex Presidio says:

    autism? looks like down’s syndrome to me.

  14. Big Texas Brahtwurst says:

    He has a gift of being able to stare at Maria B’s browneye for more than 3 minutes without blinking.

  15. “Maybe it’s the fact that I’m obsessively regimented in my analysis, borderline autistic. I mean, no one from TWC ever mentioned the level of organization in my office. Penises sorted first by color, and then by size and material composition. The entire DVD collection was organized by theme alphabetically,e.g Anal…BDSM, and and then by box color. And the restraining devices? Impeccably polished by yours truly, religously, every week. I sanitize that ball gag no more than four and no less than 3 times a day.”

  16. guest says:

    he sort of reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of OZ – check out the pictures in Barrons, compare to images of the Tin Man – Tell me I’m wrong!!! Funny thing, neither has a “heart”

    • Anonymous says:

      Eye-job + Botox + Juvederm + airbrush + soft lighting = Tin Man
      And by Tin Man, I mean scary plastic looking

  17. Fritz Von Erich says:

    Jeff’s discussion of himself comments sound better if you imagine Randy “Macho Man” Savage reading them.

  18. Fritz Von Erich says:

    Jeff’s discussion of himself comments sound better if you imagine Randy “Macho Man” Savage reading them.

  19. DoublePenetration says:

    Don’t you feel sorry for the guy?

    Probed by the Justice Department & sued by TWC = DoublePenetration (thanks “Guest”).

    At least he wasn’t called out on the MORNINGSTAR lie made shortly before his public client statement to the contrary….

    “He also stated that the contraband discovered by TCW did not belong to him and may have been left by a cleaning crew.”

    (1/8/10 Morningstar interview: http://advisor.morningstar.com/articles/fcarticle.asp?docId=18355)