• 01 Feb 2011 at 2:45 PM

Steve Cohen Plays Hard Ball With The Mets

As you’ve more than likely heard, the New York Mets are in a bit of a tough spot, on account of getting screwed financially by their investments with Bernie Madoff. They announced last week that they need to sell a minority stake and the organization has been working the phones trying to find a buyer, with zero success so far. Included in the list of people who have turned them down? Steve Cohen. The hedge fund manager, who has a box at Citi Field, was reportedly “adamant” that he wouldn’t shell out any amount of money without getting a say in the direction of the franchise. But disappointed Mets management shouldn’t take this as a hard no.

This is a negotiation and Cohen can be made happy. If I know Steve– and I think I do– he just wants to feel like his voice is being heard. He’s an ideas guy and sometimes he’s got some pretty good ones. If he can’t get a say in the actual business, he’ll strongly consider tossing the team a few clams if the following items are adopted, most of which may translate to rings come November. The Mets want cash? This is what Steve wants:

* A new mascot; winners win with bad-ass mascots intimidating the shit out of people. The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.

* Having said that, there’s still room for Mr. Met on this team, whose moves Cohen cannot resist. Moving forward he will dance exclusively for Steve during games.

* No more polyester- from now on players wear fleece. So that there’s no overheating, uniforms will be required to have their top 3 or 4 buttons undone, with no undershirt, chest hair out and breathing.

* SC gets his own trading cards

* A down and out clause– if the team is down by more than 15 games at the All Star break, players are told they’re idiots and sent home. (This is how you motivate people.)

* All contract disputes are handled by the ex-Mrs. Cohen

* If they win the World Series, the Zamboni gets to be in the ticker-tape parade; Cohen sits at the front, alone, with the trophy. Everyone else walks behind.

If these demands aren’t met, the team can kiss the money good-bye. It’ll go toward buying the Carolina Hurricanes, moving them back to CT and re-birthing the Whale.

148 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (148)

  1. Posted by CoveredLong | February 1, 2011 at 7:56 PM

    “Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ’s sake. It’s only the second period and I’m up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, “the Whale,” they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.”

    -Brodie

  2. Posted by In A Row? | February 1, 2011 at 8:01 PM

    Thank you for this.

  3. Posted by NakedShort | February 1, 2011 at 8:07 PM

    Brass Bonanza now blaring from my computer.

  4. Posted by Longtimereader | February 1, 2011 at 8:10 PM

    Bess, have to say you have gotten much better at writing these posts – and that’s a legitimate compliment given I used to be a frequent reader and thought you were awesome to start. It’s been a while since I’ve been back but glad to see you’ve only gotten better at sourcing these stories and teasing out all that is funny.

  5. Posted by Longtimereader | February 1, 2011 at 8:10 PM

    Bess, have to say you have gotten much better at writing these posts – and that’s a legitimate compliment given I used to be a frequent reader and thought you were awesome to start. It’s been a while since I’ve been back but glad to see you’ve only gotten better at sourcing these stories and teasing out all that is funny.

  6. Posted by Longtimereader | February 1, 2011 at 8:10 PM

    Bess, have to say you have gotten much better at writing these posts – and that’s a legitimate compliment given I used to be a frequent reader and thought you were awesome to start. It’s been a while since I’ve been back but glad to see you’ve only gotten better at sourcing these stories and teasing out all that is funny.

  7. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:12 PM

    Unfortunately your commenting has not improved. Please leave again and do not come back. Thanks.

  8. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    what a bizarre compliment.

  9. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    how’s your aspergers?

  10. Posted by LikeAGoodNeghborSCisThere | February 1, 2011 at 8:14 PM

    Can I get a HOT TUB!

  11. Posted by trojan | February 1, 2011 at 8:14 PM

    St. John’s men’s hoops season ticket holder > shaking down Huskies football > shaking down the Mets

  12. Posted by trojan | February 1, 2011 at 8:14 PM

    St. John’s men’s hoops season ticket holder > shaking down Huskies football > shaking down the Mets

  13. Posted by trojan | February 1, 2011 at 8:14 PM

    St. John’s men’s hoops season ticket holder > shaking down Huskies football > shaking down the Mets

  14. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    At no point in your rambling, incoherent comment were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Just thought you should know.

  15. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    At no point in your rambling, incoherent comment were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Just thought you should know.

  16. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    At no point in your rambling, incoherent comment were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Just thought you should know.

  17. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    At no point in your rambling, incoherent comment were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Just thought you should know.

  18. Posted by CT | February 1, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    she’s gotten “much better at writing these” but was awesome to start? so what is she now?

  19. Posted by CT | February 1, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    she’s gotten “much better at writing these” but was awesome to start? so what is she now?

  20. Posted by CT | February 1, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    she’s gotten “much better at writing these” but was awesome to start? so what is she now?

  21. Posted by CT | February 1, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    she’s gotten “much better at writing these” but was awesome to start? so what is she now?

  22. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:16 PM

    well where the fuck have you been?

  23. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:16 PM

    well where the fuck have you been?

  24. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:16 PM

    well where the fuck have you been?

  25. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:16 PM

    well where the fuck have you been?

  26. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:16 PM

    well where the fuck have you been?

  27. Posted by BankerChick | February 1, 2011 at 8:19 PM

    I understand you may not have had a lot of experience interacting with women, but when you pay someone a compliment, you usually don’t say “you’ve gotten much better,” the implication being there was a lot of room for improvement (which you claim there wasn’t, on account of BL being awesome to start).

    Just some friendly advice from a chick.

  28. Posted by BankerChick | February 1, 2011 at 8:19 PM

    I understand you may not have had a lot of experience interacting with women, but when you pay someone a compliment, you usually don’t say “you’ve gotten much better,” the implication being there was a lot of room for improvement (which you claim there wasn’t, on account of BL being awesome to start).

    Just some friendly advice from a chick.

  29. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:21 PM

    I think a deal was about to be made but apparently the Mets balked at his request to have the three letters “sac” copyrighted. Apparently any Met making a sac-rifice bunt, hitting a sac-rifice fly would have had to pay a royalty.

  30. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:21 PM

    I think a deal was about to be made but apparently the Mets balked at his request to have the three letters “sac” copyrighted. Apparently any Met making a sac-rifice bunt, hitting a sac-rifice fly would have had to pay a royalty.

  31. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    who have you been talking to?

    -SC

  32. Posted by Timmy | February 1, 2011 at 8:26 PM

    That is just an awful post. God damn.

  33. Posted by thanks for asking | February 1, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    super awesome

  34. Posted by thanks for asking | February 1, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    super awesome

  35. Posted by Anonymous | February 1, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    Left-handed compliment, much? Jebus, sporto – this is Bess at her normal awesomeness.

  36. Posted by GuyHands | February 1, 2011 at 8:32 PM

    Back-handed

    other than that I have no concerns.

  37. Posted by Anonymous | February 1, 2011 at 8:34 PM

    kevin dineen 4 ever!

  38. Posted by Anonymous | February 1, 2011 at 8:34 PM

    kevin dineen 4 ever!

  39. Posted by Anonymous | February 1, 2011 at 8:34 PM

    kevin dineen 4 ever!

  40. Posted by CurrencyTrader | February 1, 2011 at 8:36 PM

    This guy is a douchebag but what did I tell you about giving other people advice Miss Bankerchick McOxymoron? If anyone wants to hear your thoughts they’ll ask you what the best method of tugging the balls while deep throating an MD is.

    Oh and P.S. actually the best method of hitting on a girl is to break their self esteem and then recover with a joke. It works 50% of the time 100% of the time.

  41. Posted by CurrencyTrader | February 1, 2011 at 8:36 PM

    This guy is a douchebag but what did I tell you about giving other people advice Miss Bankerchick McOxymoron? If anyone wants to hear your thoughts they’ll ask you what the best method of tugging the balls while deep throating an MD is.

    Oh and P.S. actually the best method of hitting on a girl is to break their self esteem and then recover with a joke. It works 50% of the time 100% of the time.

  42. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:36 PM

    Obviously someone has been telling BankerChick that she’s gotten much better.

    – Guy who is just assuming that BankerChick is ugly

  43. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 8:36 PM

    Obviously someone has been telling BankerChick that she’s gotten much better.

    – Guy who is just assuming that BankerChick is ugly

  44. Posted by "Guest" moron | February 1, 2011 at 8:40 PM

    Agreed. I wish that “Guest” moron would stop commenting.

  45. Posted by CurrencyTrader | February 1, 2011 at 8:55 PM

    Did you really ask for my response to be removed from the admins? Here is some advice for you, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. Oh and grow some balls.

  46. Posted by CurrencyTrader | February 1, 2011 at 8:55 PM

    Did you really ask for my response to be removed from the admins? Here is some advice for you, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. Oh and grow some balls.

  47. Posted by trojan | February 1, 2011 at 9:32 PM

    she turned me into a newt!……. i got better….

  48. Posted by Robert G. Burton | February 1, 2011 at 9:44 PM

    Steve, if you can’t have a say in the day to day operations of the team, you should not invest. Personally, I would ask for a refund on your skybox too.

  49. Posted by quasimodo | February 1, 2011 at 9:58 PM

    that really is one ugly dude

  50. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 10:04 PM

    don’t tempt him.

  51. Posted by CT | February 1, 2011 at 10:04 PM

    +1

  52. Posted by CT | February 1, 2011 at 10:04 PM

    +1

  53. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    she sounds crazy- probably is great in bed.

  54. Posted by Guest | February 1, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    she sounds crazy- probably is great in bed.

  55. Posted by SRH | February 1, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    “The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.”

    Bess Levin = national treasure

  56. Posted by SRH | February 1, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    “The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.”

    Bess Levin = national treasure

  57. Posted by SRH | February 1, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    “The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.”

    Bess Levin = national treasure

  58. Posted by Brrraaap | February 2, 2011 at 12:24 AM

    How’s Jackson Hole? The powder good?

  59. Posted by Finn Alexander | February 2, 2011 at 1:27 AM

    “Uhm, no Steve. We don’t think it would be tremendous to move the Mets to Connecticut, and we’re not just saying that…”

  60. Posted by Ernie Borgnine | February 2, 2011 at 1:28 AM

    I feel so go damn handsome every time I see Steves picture!

  61. Posted by Smitty | February 2, 2011 at 4:49 AM

    Shutup and get back to the kitchen woman.

    -GSIP summer analyst

  62. Posted by Guest | February 2, 2011 at 10:07 PM

    So if I’m taking a chick out on a date and when we meet up I tell her “you look great” I’m actually telling her she looked like shit before?

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