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Steve Cohen Plays Hard Ball With The Mets

As you’ve more than likely heard, the New York Mets are in a bit of a tough spot, on account of getting screwed financially by their investments with Bernie Madoff. They announced last week that they need to sell a minority stake and the organization has been working the phones trying to find a buyer, with zero success so far. Included in the list of people who have turned them down? Steve Cohen. The hedge fund manager, who has a box at Citi Field, was reportedly “adamant” that he wouldn’t shell out any amount of money without getting a say in the direction of the franchise. But disappointed Mets management shouldn’t take this as a hard no.

This is a negotiation and Cohen can be made happy. If I know Steve– and I think I do– he just wants to feel like his voice is being heard. He’s an ideas guy and sometimes he’s got some pretty good ones. If he can’t get a say in the actual business, he’ll strongly consider tossing the team a few clams if the following items are adopted, most of which may translate to rings come November. The Mets want cash? This is what Steve wants:

* A new mascot; winners win with bad-ass mascots intimidating the shit out of people. The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.

* Having said that, there’s still room for Mr. Met on this team, whose moves Cohen cannot resist. Moving forward he will dance exclusively for Steve during games.

* No more polyester- from now on players wear fleece. So that there’s no overheating, uniforms will be required to have their top 3 or 4 buttons undone, with no undershirt, chest hair out and breathing.

* SC gets his own trading cards

* A down and out clause– if the team is down by more than 15 games at the All Star break, players are told they’re idiots and sent home. (This is how you motivate people.)

* All contract disputes are handled by the ex-Mrs. Cohen

* If they win the World Series, the Zamboni gets to be in the ticker-tape parade; Cohen sits at the front, alone, with the trophy. Everyone else walks behind.

If these demands aren’t met, the team can kiss the money good-bye. It’ll go toward buying the Carolina Hurricanes, moving them back to CT and re-birthing the Whale.

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148 Responses to “Steve Cohen Plays Hard Ball With The Mets”

  1. CoveredLong says:

    “Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ’s sake. It’s only the second period and I’m up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, “the Whale,” they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.”

    -Brodie

  2. Longtimereader says:

    Bess, have to say you have gotten much better at writing these posts – and that’s a legitimate compliment given I used to be a frequent reader and thought you were awesome to start. It’s been a while since I’ve been back but glad to see you’ve only gotten better at sourcing these stories and teasing out all that is funny.

    • Guest says:

      Unfortunately your commenting has not improved. Please leave again and do not come back. Thanks.

    • Guest says:

      what a bizarre compliment.

    • Guest says:

      how’s your aspergers?

    • Guest says:

      At no point in your rambling, incoherent comment were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Just thought you should know.

    • Guest says:

      At no point in your rambling, incoherent comment were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Just thought you should know.

    • Guest says:

      At no point in your rambling, incoherent comment were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Just thought you should know.

    • Guest says:

      At no point in your rambling, incoherent comment were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Just thought you should know.

    • CT says:

      she’s gotten “much better at writing these” but was awesome to start? so what is she now?

    • CT says:

      she’s gotten “much better at writing these” but was awesome to start? so what is she now?

    • CT says:

      she’s gotten “much better at writing these” but was awesome to start? so what is she now?

    • CT says:

      she’s gotten “much better at writing these” but was awesome to start? so what is she now?

    • Guest says:

      well where the fuck have you been?

    • Guest says:

      well where the fuck have you been?

    • Guest says:

      well where the fuck have you been?

    • Guest says:

      well where the fuck have you been?

    • Guest says:

      well where the fuck have you been?

    • BankerChick says:

      I understand you may not have had a lot of experience interacting with women, but when you pay someone a compliment, you usually don’t say “you’ve gotten much better,” the implication being there was a lot of room for improvement (which you claim there wasn’t, on account of BL being awesome to start).

      Just some friendly advice from a chick.

      • This guy is a douchebag but what did I tell you about giving other people advice Miss Bankerchick McOxymoron? If anyone wants to hear your thoughts they’ll ask you what the best method of tugging the balls while deep throating an MD is.

        Oh and P.S. actually the best method of hitting on a girl is to break their self esteem and then recover with a joke. It works 50% of the time 100% of the time.

      • This guy is a douchebag but what did I tell you about giving other people advice Miss Bankerchick McOxymoron? If anyone wants to hear your thoughts they’ll ask you what the best method of tugging the balls while deep throating an MD is.

        Oh and P.S. actually the best method of hitting on a girl is to break their self esteem and then recover with a joke. It works 50% of the time 100% of the time.

      • Guest says:

        Obviously someone has been telling BankerChick that she’s gotten much better.

        – Guy who is just assuming that BankerChick is ugly

      • Guest says:

        Obviously someone has been telling BankerChick that she’s gotten much better.

        – Guy who is just assuming that BankerChick is ugly

      • Did you really ask for my response to be removed from the admins? Here is some advice for you, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. Oh and grow some balls.

      • Did you really ask for my response to be removed from the admins? Here is some advice for you, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. Oh and grow some balls.

      • Smitty says:

        Shutup and get back to the kitchen woman.

        -GSIP summer analyst

      • Guest says:

        So if I’m taking a chick out on a date and when we meet up I tell her “you look great” I’m actually telling her she looked like shit before?

    • BankerChick says:

      I understand you may not have had a lot of experience interacting with women, but when you pay someone a compliment, you usually don’t say “you’ve gotten much better,” the implication being there was a lot of room for improvement (which you claim there wasn’t, on account of BL being awesome to start).

      Just some friendly advice from a chick.

    • Anonymous says:

      Left-handed compliment, much? Jebus, sporto – this is Bess at her normal awesomeness.

    • Brrraaap says:

      How’s Jackson Hole? The powder good?

  3. Longtimereader says:

    Bess, have to say you have gotten much better at writing these posts – and that’s a legitimate compliment given I used to be a frequent reader and thought you were awesome to start. It’s been a while since I’ve been back but glad to see you’ve only gotten better at sourcing these stories and teasing out all that is funny.

  4. Longtimereader says:

    Bess, have to say you have gotten much better at writing these posts – and that’s a legitimate compliment given I used to be a frequent reader and thought you were awesome to start. It’s been a while since I’ve been back but glad to see you’ve only gotten better at sourcing these stories and teasing out all that is funny.

  5. LikeAGoodNeghborSCisThere says:

    Can I get a HOT TUB!

  6. trojan says:

    St. John’s men’s hoops season ticket holder > shaking down Huskies football > shaking down the Mets

  7. trojan says:

    St. John’s men’s hoops season ticket holder > shaking down Huskies football > shaking down the Mets

  8. trojan says:

    St. John’s men’s hoops season ticket holder > shaking down Huskies football > shaking down the Mets

  9. Guest says:

    I think a deal was about to be made but apparently the Mets balked at his request to have the three letters “sac” copyrighted. Apparently any Met making a sac-rifice bunt, hitting a sac-rifice fly would have had to pay a royalty.

  10. Guest says:

    I think a deal was about to be made but apparently the Mets balked at his request to have the three letters “sac” copyrighted. Apparently any Met making a sac-rifice bunt, hitting a sac-rifice fly would have had to pay a royalty.

  11. Robert G. Burton says:

    Steve, if you can’t have a say in the day to day operations of the team, you should not invest. Personally, I would ask for a refund on your skybox too.

  12. quasimodo says:

    that really is one ugly dude

  13. SRH says:

    “The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.”

    Bess Levin = national treasure

  14. SRH says:

    “The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.”

    Bess Levin = national treasure

  15. SRH says:

    “The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.”

    Bess Levin = national treasure

  16. “Uhm, no Steve. We don’t think it would be tremendous to move the Mets to Connecticut, and we’re not just saying that…”

  17. Ernie Borgnine says:

    I feel so go damn handsome every time I see Steves picture!

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