As you’ve more than likely heard, the New York Mets are in a bit of a tough spot, on account of getting screwed financially by their investments with Bernie Madoff. They announced last week that they need to sell a minority stake and the organization has been working the phones trying to find a buyer, with zero success so far. Included in the list of people who have turned them down? Steve Cohen. The hedge fund manager, who has a box at Citi Field, was reportedly “adamant” that he wouldn’t shell out any amount of money without getting a say in the direction of the franchise. But disappointed Mets management shouldn’t take this as a hard no.
This is a negotiation and Cohen can be made happy. If I know Steve– and I think I do– he just wants to feel like his voice is being heard. He’s an ideas guy and sometimes he’s got some pretty good ones. If he can’t get a say in the actual business, he’ll strongly consider tossing the team a few clams if the following items are adopted, most of which may translate to rings come November. The Mets want cash? This is what Steve wants:
* A new mascot; winners win with bad-ass mascots intimidating the shit out of people. The new mascot will be an ex-Navy SEAL whose costume will be the hollowed out carcass of a shark and who not so gently presses a harpoon across fans’ throats during the 7th inning stretch.
* Having said that, there’s still room for Mr. Met on this team, whose moves Cohen cannot resist. Moving forward he will dance exclusively for Steve during games.
* No more polyester- from now on players wear fleece. So that there’s no overheating, uniforms will be required to have their top 3 or 4 buttons undone, with no undershirt, chest hair out and breathing.
* SC gets his own trading cards
* A down and out clause– if the team is down by more than 15 games at the All Star break, players are told they’re idiots and sent home. (This is how you motivate people.)
* All contract disputes are handled by the ex-Mrs. Cohen
* If they win the World Series, the Zamboni gets to be in the ticker-tape parade; Cohen sits at the front, alone, with the trophy. Everyone else walks behind.
If these demands aren’t met, the team can kiss the money good-bye. It’ll go toward buying the Carolina Hurricanes, moving them back to CT and re-birthing the Whale.