Is there a particular co-worker you’ve been thinking would enjoy a few minutes with you on top of your desk or in the men’s room stall but were skittish about the idea of a) approaching them and b) having sex at work? Great news! According to FINS, lots of people are banging in a room just off the trading floor as we speak and they’ve got hard numbers to back it up. Use this information to make your case when offering the object of your desire two free passes to [Your Name]-ville.

Who was willing to have an actual tryst, say, in the photocopy room, for instance? Across all industries, 33% said they had had one in the office. Bankers almost matched that average with 32.5%. Accountants weren’t so intrepid: only 21.74% said they had.

Bankers were also more likely to get caught in the middle of that tryst: compared with 0% of accountants, 3.7% of bankers said they had been walked in on. That was less than the average of 4.2% across all industries, however.

These numbers aren’t bad, but we’re confident you can do much better. So, in honor of the day, we challenge the financial services industry to double both their averages (re: office trysts and getting caught). You will receive more points for:

* How open the room is (example: bathroom: 1 point; middle of the trading floor: 10,000 points)

* How loud you are (incorporating tambourines will get you far)

* Rank of your partner (subordinate: 1 point; 5 points for every level higher they are than you; anyone in HR is 1,000 points)

* For every minute you keep going after getting caught, with people standing in the door way, you get 100 points

* Bonus points will be awarded for: wearing the mask from Scream; having phone sex with a colleague over the PA system; accoutrements; if you’re the submissive type, you make your partner say stuff to you like “you are such a shitty trader.”

Bankers Get More Love in the Office Than Accountants [FINS]

65 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (65)

  1. Posted by xx | February 14, 2011 at 6:17 PM

    -Ping

  2. Posted by Aint_no_Holla-Back_Girl | February 14, 2011 at 6:19 PM

    Its not a tambourine, its a brazilian frame drum

  3. Posted by Guestor the Barbarian | February 14, 2011 at 6:23 PM

    So – all I have to do is go twice as long as usual and I get 100 points?? SWEEEEEEET!!!

  4. Posted by NakedShort | February 14, 2011 at 6:27 PM

    *if your secretary pounds you in the ass add 500,000 points

  5. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    I am more curious if that ever happens at bulge-bracket banks (at main offices, not NJ/Singapurrre backoffice that is). Does anyone know?

  6. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    I am more curious if that ever happens at bulge-bracket banks (at main offices, not NJ/Singapurrre backoffice that is). Does anyone know?

  7. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    I am more curious if that ever happens at bulge-bracket banks (at main offices, not NJ/Singapurrre backoffice that is). Does anyone know?

  8. Posted by Mr. Market | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  9. Posted by Mr. Market | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  10. Posted by Mr. Market | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  11. Posted by Mr. Market | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  12. Posted by Mr. Market | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  13. Posted by Mr. Market | February 14, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  14. Posted by Anonymous | February 14, 2011 at 6:38 PM

    This just confirms that accounting is low-risk, low-reward.Also, Bess, you magnificent bastard, you listened to my book on tape!

  15. Posted by Concerned Guest | February 14, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    Bess,

    Promise us that is not you and Kouwe in the pic.

  16. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 6:42 PM

    How many points for doing it with a co-worker’s dog?

    D. Kneale

  17. Posted by Anonymous | February 14, 2011 at 6:44 PM

    I don’t see the guy crying, so no, not Kouwe.

  18. Posted by Anonymous | February 14, 2011 at 6:44 PM

    Whose fingers are on her left foot? After closer inspection it would appear those shoes are on someone’s hands. Is this a Rex Ryan shot?

  19. Posted by youknowyouloveme | February 14, 2011 at 6:45 PM

    girl pictured is not wearing louboutins. therefore, it is not BL.

    try again, chap.

  20. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 6:49 PM

    rhetorical? i think you know what happens when we catch you with a co-anchor’s dog denis. you get sent to fox.

    – jeff zucker

  21. Posted by El Guest-O | February 14, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    I find myself wondering where you got that photo – just something you have lying round in stock?

    — Guy who wonders things

  22. Posted by El Guest-O | February 14, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    I find myself wondering where you got that photo – just something you have lying round in stock?

    — Guy who wonders things

  23. Posted by El Guest-O | February 14, 2011 at 6:52 PM

    I find myself wondering where you got that photo – just something you have lying round in stock?

    — Guy who wonders things

  24. Posted by UPS Delivery Guy | February 14, 2011 at 6:56 PM

    A closer, closer inspection shows that she still has her (granny) panties on, bringing to mind certain logistical questions.

  25. Posted by UPS Delivery Guy | February 14, 2011 at 6:56 PM

    A closer, closer inspection shows that she still has her (granny) panties on, bringing to mind certain logistical questions.

  26. Posted by Itsme | February 14, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    I am doing wideclops in the middle of the trading floor while wearing the Scream mask as I type.

    – Guy who is determined to win this contest

  27. Posted by Itsme | February 14, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    I am doing wideclops in the middle of the trading floor while wearing the Scream mask as I type.

    – Guy who is determined to win this contest

  28. Posted by Phan | February 14, 2011 at 6:58 PM

    I rub one out in front of my employees at market open and close just because I can, dude.

    -Nails

  29. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 7:07 PM

    Smell my finger, it smells like my ass.

    – UBS quant

  30. Posted by Mutulfdmgr | February 14, 2011 at 7:11 PM

    How many points for partially frosted windows?

  31. Posted by Mutulfdmgr | February 14, 2011 at 7:11 PM

    How many points for partially frosted windows?

  32. Posted by PasteSpecialFormats | February 14, 2011 at 7:13 PM

    32.5%? Amateurs…

    -Dick Whitman

  33. Posted by Bow Wow Wow | February 14, 2011 at 7:15 PM

    Snoop Dog?

  34. Posted by Savage Manatee | February 14, 2011 at 7:18 PM

    Lights on, suspended in a sex swing 20 ft off of the trading room floor, swinging to and fro, screaming “You are the worst compliance officer EVER!”

    ………annnnd scene.

  35. Posted by Anonymous | February 14, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    How many points for glass-walled conference room on the fixed-income floor on Veterans Day/Columbus Day/other holiday when the bond mkt is closed and equities are open?

  36. Posted by Bonus Malfunction | February 14, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    Bess

    You could have simply said your job is fun without the proof, we all know that.

  37. Posted by Anonymous | February 14, 2011 at 7:23 PM

    “…hard numbers to back it up.”

    I see what you did there.

  38. Posted by Anonymous | February 14, 2011 at 7:25 PM

    I am dying to know what Confused Commenter has to say about this; he always has his finger on the veiny pulse of these kinds of things

  39. Posted by Movin' On Up | February 14, 2011 at 7:30 PM

    What if everyone is constantly telling me I’m a shitty trader, do I still get bonus points? Even if it is my mom telling me this?

    -UBS Equity Trader

  40. Posted by Oranje, CFA | February 14, 2011 at 7:40 PM

    WTF do they come up with these numbers? There is absolutely no chance that 4.2 percent of people across all industries have been walked in on while having sex at work.

  41. Posted by Oranje, CFA | February 14, 2011 at 7:40 PM

    WTF do they come up with these numbers? There is absolutely no chance that 4.2 percent of people across all industries have been walked in on while having sex at work.

  42. Posted by Oranje, CFA | February 14, 2011 at 7:40 PM

    WTF do they come up with these numbers? There is absolutely no chance that 4.2 percent of people across all industries have been walked in on while having sex at work.

  43. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 7:51 PM

    If the guy in the pic was included in the study, I’m sure the numbers are all off. Who carries their shoes on their shoulders!?

    -Former Lehman Quant doing temp work at AIG

  44. Posted by non-citi jerk | February 14, 2011 at 8:03 PM

    I know a certain HR girl at Citi would would be happy to help someone win 1000 points.

  45. Posted by Anonymous | February 14, 2011 at 8:04 PM

    How many points for riding while blowing a Vuvuzuela??

  46. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 8:08 PM

    UBS drive smells.

  47. Posted by G. C. | February 14, 2011 at 8:17 PM

    How many for a Portuguese cleaning lady?

  48. Posted by deaf by vuvuzela | February 14, 2011 at 8:19 PM

    what?

  49. Posted by Boris the Blade | February 14, 2011 at 8:42 PM

    was it gangbang?

  50. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | February 14, 2011 at 9:15 PM

    Further evidence that accountants are the most insipid, unimaginative, boring people on earth. Even a brief conversation with an accountant will ruin most peoples’ day.

  51. Posted by Pfluger the Barbarian | February 14, 2011 at 9:15 PM

    Further evidence that accountants are the most insipid, unimaginative, boring people on earth. Even a brief conversation with an accountant will ruin most peoples’ day.

  52. Posted by ColonelSanders | February 14, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

  53. Posted by ColonelSanders | February 14, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

  54. Posted by ColonelSanders | February 14, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

  55. Posted by ColonelSanders | February 14, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

  56. Posted by ColonelSanders | February 14, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

  57. Posted by Guest | February 14, 2011 at 9:31 PM

    And you would know how exactly? Gay or something?

  58. Posted by Elliot Rosewater | February 15, 2011 at 5:29 AM

    I’m down for intraoffice romance.

  59. Posted by NYRebel | February 15, 2011 at 3:01 PM

    Vikkles, is that you? Meet you at 399 Park…

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