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That Copy Machine Isn’t Going To Mount Itself (Challenge)

Is there a particular co-worker you’ve been thinking would enjoy a few minutes with you on top of your desk or in the men’s room stall but were skittish about the idea of a) approaching them and b) having sex at work? Great news! According to FINS, lots of people are banging in a room just off the trading floor as we speak and they’ve got hard numbers to back it up. Use this information to make your case when offering the object of your desire two free passes to [Your Name]-ville.

Who was willing to have an actual tryst, say, in the photocopy room, for instance? Across all industries, 33% said they had had one in the office. Bankers almost matched that average with 32.5%. Accountants weren’t so intrepid: only 21.74% said they had.

Bankers were also more likely to get caught in the middle of that tryst: compared with 0% of accountants, 3.7% of bankers said they had been walked in on. That was less than the average of 4.2% across all industries, however.

These numbers aren’t bad, but we’re confident you can do much better. So, in honor of the day, we challenge the financial services industry to double both their averages (re: office trysts and getting caught). You will receive more points for:

* How open the room is (example: bathroom: 1 point; middle of the trading floor: 10,000 points)

* How loud you are (incorporating tambourines will get you far)

* Rank of your partner (subordinate: 1 point; 5 points for every level higher they are than you; anyone in HR is 1,000 points)

* For every minute you keep going after getting caught, with people standing in the door way, you get 100 points

* Bonus points will be awarded for: wearing the mask from Scream; having phone sex with a colleague over the PA system; accoutrements; if you’re the submissive type, you make your partner say stuff to you like “you are such a shitty trader.”

Bankers Get More Love in the Office Than Accountants [FINS]

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65 Responses to “That Copy Machine Isn’t Going To Mount Itself (Challenge)”

  1. Aint_no_Holla-Back_Girl says:

    Its not a tambourine, its a brazilian frame drum

  2. Guestor the Barbarian says:

    So – all I have to do is go twice as long as usual and I get 100 points?? SWEEEEEEET!!!

  3. NakedShort says:

    *if your secretary pounds you in the ass add 500,000 points

  4. Guest says:

    I am more curious if that ever happens at bulge-bracket banks (at main offices, not NJ/Singapurrre backoffice that is). Does anyone know?

  5. Guest says:

    I am more curious if that ever happens at bulge-bracket banks (at main offices, not NJ/Singapurrre backoffice that is). Does anyone know?

  6. Guest says:

    I am more curious if that ever happens at bulge-bracket banks (at main offices, not NJ/Singapurrre backoffice that is). Does anyone know?

  7. Mr. Market says:

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  8. Mr. Market says:

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  9. Mr. Market says:

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  10. Mr. Market says:

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  11. Mr. Market says:

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  12. Mr. Market says:

    A colleague walked into my office, and commented that it smelled like lovemaking. Impossible, I declared, such a thing would never occur in the esteemed Bear Stearns. I merely pointed out that the lovemaking smell was actually the smell of my new leather couch. I asked him to sniff my couch. “Tell me that smell isn’t a new couch smell”. How could he argue? Did he even know what true lovemaking smelled like? He told me, that, yes, it must be the couch.

  13. Anonymous says:

    This just confirms that accounting is low-risk, low-reward.Also, Bess, you magnificent bastard, you listened to my book on tape!

  14. Concerned Guest says:

    Bess,

    Promise us that is not you and Kouwe in the pic.

  15. Guest says:

    How many points for doing it with a co-worker’s dog?

    D. Kneale

    • Guest says:

      rhetorical? i think you know what happens when we catch you with a co-anchor’s dog denis. you get sent to fox.

      – jeff zucker

  16. Anonymous says:

    Whose fingers are on her left foot? After closer inspection it would appear those shoes are on someone’s hands. Is this a Rex Ryan shot?

    • UPS Delivery Guy says:

      A closer, closer inspection shows that she still has her (granny) panties on, bringing to mind certain logistical questions.

    • UPS Delivery Guy says:

      A closer, closer inspection shows that she still has her (granny) panties on, bringing to mind certain logistical questions.

  17. El Guest-O says:

    I find myself wondering where you got that photo – just something you have lying round in stock?

    — Guy who wonders things

  18. El Guest-O says:

    I find myself wondering where you got that photo – just something you have lying round in stock?

    — Guy who wonders things

  19. El Guest-O says:

    I find myself wondering where you got that photo – just something you have lying round in stock?

    — Guy who wonders things

  20. Itsme says:

    I am doing wideclops in the middle of the trading floor while wearing the Scream mask as I type.

    – Guy who is determined to win this contest

  21. Itsme says:

    I am doing wideclops in the middle of the trading floor while wearing the Scream mask as I type.

    – Guy who is determined to win this contest

  22. Phan says:

    I rub one out in front of my employees at market open and close just because I can, dude.

    -Nails

  23. Mutulfdmgr says:

    How many points for partially frosted windows?

  24. Mutulfdmgr says:

    How many points for partially frosted windows?

  25. 32.5%? Amateurs…

    -Dick Whitman

  26. Savage Manatee says:

    Lights on, suspended in a sex swing 20 ft off of the trading room floor, swinging to and fro, screaming “You are the worst compliance officer EVER!”

    ………annnnd scene.

  27. Anonymous says:

    How many points for glass-walled conference room on the fixed-income floor on Veterans Day/Columbus Day/other holiday when the bond mkt is closed and equities are open?

  28. Bonus Malfunction says:

    Bess

    You could have simply said your job is fun without the proof, we all know that.

  29. Anonymous says:

    “…hard numbers to back it up.”

    I see what you did there.

  30. Anonymous says:

    I am dying to know what Confused Commenter has to say about this; he always has his finger on the veiny pulse of these kinds of things

  31. Movin' On Up says:

    What if everyone is constantly telling me I’m a shitty trader, do I still get bonus points? Even if it is my mom telling me this?

    -UBS Equity Trader

  32. Oranje, CFA says:

    WTF do they come up with these numbers? There is absolutely no chance that 4.2 percent of people across all industries have been walked in on while having sex at work.

  33. Oranje, CFA says:

    WTF do they come up with these numbers? There is absolutely no chance that 4.2 percent of people across all industries have been walked in on while having sex at work.

  34. Oranje, CFA says:

    WTF do they come up with these numbers? There is absolutely no chance that 4.2 percent of people across all industries have been walked in on while having sex at work.

  35. Guest says:

    If the guy in the pic was included in the study, I’m sure the numbers are all off. Who carries their shoes on their shoulders!?

    -Former Lehman Quant doing temp work at AIG

  36. non-citi jerk says:

    I know a certain HR girl at Citi would would be happy to help someone win 1000 points.

  37. Anonymous says:

    How many points for riding while blowing a Vuvuzuela??

  38. G. C. says:

    How many for a Portuguese cleaning lady?

    • Boris the Blade says:

      was it gangbang?

    • ColonelSanders says:

      “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

    • ColonelSanders says:

      “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

    • ColonelSanders says:

      “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

    • ColonelSanders says:

      “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

    • ColonelSanders says:

      “Was that wrong? Should I have not done that. I’ve gotta say, if I new that was wrong, I would have never done that.?”

  39. Pfluger the Barbarian says:

    Further evidence that accountants are the most insipid, unimaginative, boring people on earth. Even a brief conversation with an accountant will ruin most peoples’ day.

  40. Pfluger the Barbarian says:

    Further evidence that accountants are the most insipid, unimaginative, boring people on earth. Even a brief conversation with an accountant will ruin most peoples’ day.

  41. Elliot Rosewater says:

    I’m down for intraoffice romance.

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