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Who Is On Your Galleon Trial Character Witness Wish List?

As you’ve likely heard, today marks the first day of the historic Raj Rajaratnam trial, the government’s biggest insider trading case to date. Jury selection kicked off this morning, and while we wait for a few hundred people to answer questions designed to reveal whether or not they have prejudices toward everyone from hedge fund managers, to Wall Street in general, to Sri Lankans to the big-boned, we thought it best to come with a list of character witnesses we’d like to see take the stand. Rajaratnam has already said he’ll speak on his own behalf and Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein is slated to make an appearance as well. But there are some lesser-known names who could probably tell an even richer tale about Raj and we’re just going to put their names out there and hope the universe does the right thing. Some of them would work in his favor and some not but all would add a certain je ne said quoi to the proceedings. They include:

* The Galleon Group analyst who was called an ‘idiot’ by Raj for questioning the hedge fund manager’s inside information about Goldman Sachs, given to him by a board member

* Former vanquished competitors of Raj’s fantasy football league, such as Jim Pallota and Paul Tudor Jones, who in hindsight think he probably cheated at that

* Keryn Limmer, the Galleon analyst who Raj paid $5,000 to be tased when execs from stun-gun maker Taser International came to make a pitch in 2005 (“Employees gathered around as two people propped up trader Keryn Limmer at the elbows and another person fired the weapon. Ms. Limmer’s legs buckled beneath her from the shock”)

* The dwarf who was hired by Raj as an April Fool’s Day joke, and introduced to employees as a new analyst brought on to cover “small-cap” stocks

* The Galleon junior female analyst Raj told to buy a spandex outfit from Lululemon, wear it to the firm’s morning meeting and “walk back and forth on top of the conference table” while Raj commented that “few consumers would pay so much money for the expensive outfit in a recession” (this one in particular could help the guy out, as it demonstrates the firm did real, in-depth research of its own)

Anyone else come to mind?

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74 Responses to “Who Is On Your Galleon Trial Character Witness Wish List?”

  1. Guest says:

    His personal fitness trainer

  2. Wdw says:

    U luv that pants, don’t u?

  3. Now batting cleanup... says:

    I think Lenny Dykstra is available…just buy him lunch.

  4. Fred Savage says:

    I guess someone who would portray RajRaj in the best light possible, which is probably with the lights off.

  5. Chuddy says:

    those legs certainly make an ass out of themselves………

  6. Anonymous says:

    I hear Charlie Sheen has some free time…winning!

    • Every time I hear one of my friends say “winning” it makes me want to punt a fucking puppy out of the office building window. Charlie sheen is nonsense, I was fucking 2 chicks at once and drinking vodka at my desk while that fucker was making sitcoms for fat midwestern families.

      • Currency Trader Sucks Dick says:

        Outside of a Sour Cream & Onion Pringle’s can or a FleshLight, methinks you’ve never had your cock in anything remotely real.

        • Anonymous says:

          *erroneus, as evident by magwana_lysts missing behymen

          but do agree charlie has jumped the shark

        • gues says:

          I think anyone who says “methinks” needs a cock remotely stuck in their mouth real fast

      • Gundy Switzer says:

        Yeah, you were probably fucking Rosie Palm and her twin sister to the light of a televised tractor pull or Oklahoma Noodling championship.

  7. Guest says:

    I apologize for digressing from the topic of Raj, but I keep getting shown an advertisement for “New York by Gehry” (aka 8 Spruce Street) on dealbreaker, and it appears to be woefully misleading. The ad explains that 8 Spruce Street is the “tallest residential building in the western hemisphere, by the world’s most celebrated living architect.” A quick glance at wikipedia’s list of tallest residential buildings in the world reveals that indeed 8SS, at 867 feet, is taller than Trump World Tower. But one also notices that 8SS is conspicuously absent from the list. That is because 8SS doesn’t qualify, as it is not truly a residential building, which must be all-residential. It also will have a school filled with shitty kids, and hospital filled with AIDS patients dying to infect me. Thus, this is not truly a “residential building,” and its height must be measured up against other hybrid residential and commercial buildings, compared to which, 8SS falls about 500 feet short of being tallest in the western hemisphere. I won’t get into Gehry’s new work being an overly-commercialized caricature of the work that brought him renown. But that is also true. So please, pander elsewhere with this filth, 8SS.

  8. Derp says:

    The Soup Nazi

  9. Anonymous says:

    “je ne said quoi” You wrote French, Bess. You know what that does to me!

  10. Guest says:

    Miss Teen Binghamton 1978 has got to be on the list.

  11. I Am An Idiot says:

    Zachary Kouwe; Character and Moral Turpitude Expert

  12. Waiter extraordinaire, Busey.

  13. Guest says:

    Rikki Tikki Tavi

  14. BigR says:

    Those Cheekettes never get old!

  15. Guest says:

    John Kinnucan

  16. Guest says:

    Chingching Bamalamadingdong

  17. Guest says:

    It’s not what you know, it’s who you know…

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704758904576188444082958426.html?mod=WSJEUROPE_hpp_LEFTTopWhatNews

    Galleon Jury Selection Begins; Possible Witnesses Disclosed

    “One potential juror said she was a friend of David Tepper, the head of Appaloosa Management LP. She remains in the jury pool.”

    • ReturnFreeRisk says:

      “….Ma’am, could you please tell the court how Mr. Tepper’s huge f’ing pair of steel nuts makes you feel?”

  18. Guest says:

    It’s not what you know, it’s who you know…

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704758904576188444082958426.html?mod=WSJEUROPE_hpp_LEFTTopWhatNews

    Galleon Jury Selection Begins; Possible Witnesses Disclosed

    “One potential juror said she was a friend of David Tepper, the head of Appaloosa Management LP. She remains in the jury pool.”

  19. Agpennypacker says:

    That is so hard to say. Certainly there’s the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn’t sit well with this small town jury.There’s the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on,
    and on, and on, into the night.

  20. Dravidian says:

    Bollywood hair style? Has the author seen bollywood movies? Subliminal racism for no reasons. Will Bess Levin write “hollywood hairstyle” if it was some blonde white guy involved? WTF? If you want to be a professional writer yet funny, be witty and not ignorantly stupid about it.

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