In 2010, Bank of America posted a profit of negative $2.2 billion. For 2011, the goal is to stop losing money and start making it, stat. And it’s not just like a wish list, “it would be great if we could do this, if not, no biggie” type goal but a deadly serious one. So much so that it needs a special codename: Project New BAC, an initiative that was unveiled to employees yesterday by Brian Moynihan.
Led by 44 executives (and two consulting firms), PNBAC will “fan out around the company to ask employees low-and high-level for ideas on how they can do their jobs better and how BofA can tweak its financial-product offerings to make the more appealing,” in addition to “reducing expenses.” While the massive corporation would not normally ask anyone below the management level to weigh in on business, Moynihan is exhausted and to be honest? The top of the food chain has come up with nothing. This is everyone’s chance to pitch in, whether you’re a CEO emeritus or first year with a voice. Although there will be no cash reward, anyone whose idea** is implemented will receive 100 spirit points.
Bank of America Wants You To Help Fix The Bank [WSJ via BI]
**And don’t try suggesting getting rid of cups and introducing mandatory reusable mugs- Moynihan might be fooled but we have long memories.
This is a perfect job for UBS consultants!
This is a perfect job for UBS consultants!
This is a perfect job for UBS consultants!
This is a perfect job for UBS consultants!
This is a perfect job for UBS consultants!
Well, first of all, reduce the “spirit points’ renumeration from 100 to 50.
Well, first of all, reduce the “spirit points’ renumeration from 100 to 50.
Well, first of all, reduce the “spirit points’ renumeration from 100 to 50.
Well, first of all, reduce the “spirit points’ renumeration from 100 to 50.
Well, first of all, reduce the “spirit points’ renumeration from 100 to 50.
They should buy UBS, consolidate crappy companies and then blow the whole thing off the face of the earth.
How about they start by terminating the two consulting firms and the 44 executives who apparently have no functional role in the bank? That should add something to the bottom line.
Moynihan is way, way over his head with this wretched company.
1)Unblock dealbreaker
2)Invent time machine, return to 1946 and loan Ken Lewis’s parents the money for an abortion
negative profits is NKI
negative profits is NKI
1) Borrow from the fed at dirt cheap rates and lend the money out at higher rates.
2) Reduce crappy loan portfolio by selling said loans to groups like those set up by spouses of competitor banks (firm rhymes will ball).
3) Seek guarantees from the US Government for other crappy loans.
4) Based on 2 & 3, reduce ALL provision accordingly.
5) Pay out bonuses to retain the talent that thought up 1-4.
*If this doesn’t work, you must be doing something wrong or really, really hurting.
Lift Mozilo by the ankles, give’m a good shake, and see what falls out of his pockets. Then let go.
Wow, I was just going to suggest printed double-sided. You are a true genius.
BAC should start giving away toasters with each new account/ business deal. Then, buy a toaster company to supply themselves with the give-aways!
Naked pics of Bess Levin with the opening of a new account.
I already know what will happen.
-Gartman
It’s Boones double coupon day, get moving.
Optionally, incorporate in New Hampshire for a permanent discount.
I find that banning color copies works beautifully.
Buy additional BAC marketing ads printed on inflatable automobile airbags. Buy and control the world’s largest producer of red-colored ink.
Their plan to charge $25/mo for a fucking checking account probably won’t send any customers to an online competitor. Sending your Fed-instituted free lunch across the street was a bad start, asshats.
-Guy who would sooner take his paycheck in change, not equal to the amount due, than pay for a checking account
more hand bridge, less hand wringing
They could start by canning our BAML institutional research sales coverage. Aaron is as useless as mammaries on a bull.
#1 is from the onion from a while back, no?
For starters, they can make the first years buy their own skateboards.
Spin Off Merrill Lynch…PLEASE!
Lease the skateboards. The depreciate too rapidly to be purchased.
Hi there Hy!
Let’s meet and discuss this at Minettas later.
Perhaps I can be of help in this airbag matter. Please reflect on this link to the Onion site mentioning airbag advertising:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/general-motors-introduces-new-instantwin-airbags,1103/
“Reader” should be complimented for his/her guffaw data recall! Your Joke Briefer first heard of the airbag ad gag from a tort lawyer in the early 1990s. Further research reveals that such “impact” advertising gags have been around for a while: Several cake shops in Paris wanted to have guillotine blade advertising during the time of Marie Antoinette’s troubles¹. Today’s so-called “urinal advertising” came from the oft repeatedly written graffito suggesting to men, “Why look here; the joke’s in your hand².
———————————————–
1. “Advertissements et Les Outils De Coupe”, Marceau et Robespierre, Capeau Press, p. 238
2. “Avoiding Piss Poor Advertising”, I.P. Freely, Whiz Magazine, September 1998, p.34
Advertise on the skateboards!
Repeal legacy “Free Boone’s Fridays” program.
Have the employees do videos about why they love Bank of America.
From: Ken Lewis
To: Staff
PLEASE LET US REFRAIN FROM LOSING MONEY IN THE FUTURE SO THAT WE DO NOT DISTINGUISH OURSELVES BY BEING THE ONLY BANK POSTING NEGATIVE PROFITS EVERY MORNING. (IT IS ALREADY EASY TO IDENTIFY US SINCE WE ARE SO EXPOSED.)
IT REALLY SHOULDN’T BE AN OPTION TO DISTINGUISH OURSELVES BY BEING THE LAUGHING STOCK OF WALL STREET; ALTHOUGH THAT OUTCOME UNFORTUNATELY IS NOT ELIMINATED FOR US.
Joke briefer I love you but you need to get laid.
Hey Bess how about a Dealbreaker contest: Any submitted item here that actually gets implemented gets the winner a free night at Connecticut’s finest leisure establishment!
Hey Bess how about a Dealbreaker contest: Any submitted item here that actually gets implemented gets the winner a free night at Connecticut’s finest leisure establishment!
there’s nothing to see here…
Fuck you bitter2010, id rather they spin off BOA….
but how am I to know it’s you?
Or Penn Station Taco Bell
Feel free to punch this guy for me:
“We are trying to provide you choices on how you compensate us,” said Joe L. Price, president of the company’s consumer and small business banking division.
Even better…BOA sucks
Worked there 2 years via an acquisition, FUBAR is a way of life….I would suggest nuking the place and starting over.
Move to Japan.
You are management material.
How about just be open 1 day a week. Save big on energy costs and still get the same amount of work done.
It’s the only way to be sure.
Shut the fuck up. No, seriously- shut the fuck up.
Rich coming from the guy who’s never touched a woman.
CurrencyTrader I hate you and you need to kill yourself.
-everyone
co-signed.
You making an offer?
FYI: If you’re firewalled from Deal Breaker, you can get to it through your Bloomberg, unless of course BofA has now firewalled Bloomberg, which could possibly explain why they lost $2.2 billion
Why does it always have to be the whites copied?
I’ll be the guy in Payless shoes and a gap button-up
-BAML Trader
I have been trying not to laugh out loud at all the funny comments today but that one got me.
-Guy Who Laughed Out Loud
Best comment since captain shortbus
You forgot about the khaki Dockers.
Hire me and 6 of the best looking slam pieces that work for me…must be at least 8s; selection of the 6 determined by a random selection of BofA bankers and traders. Ensconce us on the executive floor so some real work gets done there for once.
Charge employees a buck and a half just to see them; appropriate scaling of fees for other services; minimum fees for MDs and ExecCom members; penalty fees for nonBofA employees.
Madam pmco
Ho-ho-hold on, hold on one second. This installation has a substantial dollar value attached to it
I’ll pay points up front for $35mil of protection on BAC
-Monty
Buncha fucking Boston Red Sox fans in here for christ’s sake. What? Pissed off because the Pirates spanked you guys like your daddy?
Cockroaches like the ones in question are likely to survive the fallout. The only solution is the final one: forcibly remove them from the gubmint teat and LET. THEM. FAIL. FTW.
Wet T-Shirt contest with the sluttiest women in BAC.
should I assume that’s a maxed out chase debit card in your wallet?
Good idea. It’s definitely linear – you’ll see an 80% reduction in losses.
- BofA Quant
All it takes is one good idea, like the guy that invented the pet rock… He made a million dollars! I had an idea like that once… It was a “Jump to Conclusions” mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor… and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.
- guy who concludes that BOFA is FUBAR
February 2009: BAC dwellers have access to DB online, Bess puts out Layoff Watch post that 30% of US Trust & Private banking group to get laid off. Mad rush of BAC dwellers go to DB to check it out and compliance droids block the website same day. The layoffs happened and DB was never accessible again on a BAC computer.
True story, I will swear my former lapel pin, nbk# and cheesy name tag on it.
How about get rid of the bonuses!!! Ta Da!! E A S Y !
New motto: If the company doesn’t make money, you get no bonus!
Can I have my spirit points now?
-Angela Tom (Fort Wayne, Indiana)
Bank of America Investment Bankers To Receive Average Bonus of $400K
First Posted: 02- 3-10 09:25 AM | Updated: 04- 5-10 05:12 AM
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/03/bank-of-america-investmen_n_447317.html
Submit this story
bloomberg.com:
Feb. 3 (Bloomberg) — Bank of America Corp., the nation’s largest lender, will pay investment-banking employees bonuses of about $4.4 billion for last year, or an average of $400,000 each, a person close to the bank said.
Buy Oil and short your treasury stock.
Angela/Mark Klein MD/resident of state that should be bulldozed,
That story is a year old, but the investment bank (that’s the one without a drive through for you huffpo readers) made 6.3 billion last year.
It was the mortgages of you rust belters that dragged down earnings. Also a former CEO’s proclivity for malted fruit wine.
Please use birth control.
xoxo hope that helps
I KNOW how old the article is, I posted it! duh!
Question: If the mortgages of the “rust belters” dragged down earnings, who specifically wrote those bad mortgages?
Burn it to the ground and salt the earth….
Maybe that $25 charge for a checking account could also allow access for customers…?
The Accidental CEO, “Mumbles Moynihan” us clueless…became CEO 17 monthsago and just getting around to looking at costs? Everyone in Charlotte better get their parachutes on…
Guys sitting in BofA retail branches selling mortgages. Not Merrill Lynch ibankers.
You clearly have almost no idea how a bank works but it’s scarier to me that you know more about this situation than probably 90% of the US population
Yeah, in 2009 they gave bonuses in cash. In 2010 they got smarter, and gave bonuses in stock.
NOW the question by employees is: Hey, I got this shitty stock that isn’t doing well for a bonus! This won’t pay for my kid’s college! What do we do? Lets ask John Q. Public how to make our stock worth something so I can afford to send my kid to school!
Well, now, in order to make the banks stock go up, those mortgages have to be given to people who can afford to pay. No jobs = no mortgage payment = no BoA stock increase!
Henry Ford showed us how it was done. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.
Lower the mortgage interest rates, spread the payments out over 40 or 50 years (or whatever timeframe you want…people are living longer, ya know?) Get the PAYMENTS down, and you will have people lining up at your doors! You will then get to pick who to give the new mortgages to. (I would advise doing credit checks, background checks and citizenship checks this time.)
Make more business loans. (same idea)
BUT really, lets get honest, the bankers don’t want to fix the problem, they want to RESET our economy/currency while making it LOOK like they are trying to fix a problem that really doesn’t exist.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”
Yeah, in 2009 they gave bonuses in cash. In 2010 they got smarter, and gave bonuses in stock.
NOW the question by employees is: Hey, I got this shitty stock that isn’t doing well for a bonus! This won’t pay for my kid’s college! What do we do? Lets ask John Q. Public how to make our stock worth something so I can afford to send my kid to school!
Well, now, in order to make the banks stock go up, those mortgages have to be given to people who can afford to pay. No jobs = no mortgage payment = no BoA stock increase!
Henry Ford showed us how it was done. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.
Lower the mortgage interest rates, spread the payments out over 40 or 50 years (or whatever timeframe you want…people are living longer, ya know?) Get the PAYMENTS down, and you will have people lining up at your doors! You will then get to pick who to give the new mortgages to. (I would advise doing credit checks, background checks and citizenship checks this time.)
Make more business loans. (same idea)
BUT really, lets get honest, the bankers don’t want to fix the problem, they want to RESET our economy/currency while making it LOOK like they are trying to fix a problem that really doesn’t exist.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”
Yeah, in 2009 they gave bonuses in cash. In 2010 they got smarter, and gave bonuses in stock.
NOW the question by employees is: Hey, I got this shitty stock that isn’t doing well for a bonus! This won’t pay for my kid’s college! What do we do? Lets ask John Q. Public how to make our stock worth something so I can afford to send my kid to school!
Well, now, in order to make the banks stock go up, those mortgages have to be given to people who can afford to pay. No jobs = no mortgage payment = no BoA stock increase!
Henry Ford showed us how it was done. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.
Lower the mortgage interest rates, spread the payments out over 40 or 50 years (or whatever timeframe you want…people are living longer, ya know?) Get the PAYMENTS down, and you will have people lining up at your doors! You will then get to pick who to give the new mortgages to. (I would advise doing credit checks, background checks and citizenship checks this time.)
Make more business loans. (same idea)
BUT really, lets get honest, the bankers don’t want to fix the problem, they want to RESET our economy/currency while making it LOOK like they are trying to fix a problem that really doesn’t exist.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”
Yeah, in 2009 they gave bonuses in cash. In 2010 they got smarter, and gave bonuses in stock.
NOW the question by employees is: Hey, I got this shitty stock that isn’t doing well for a bonus! This won’t pay for my kid’s college! What do we do? Lets ask John Q. Public how to make our stock worth something so I can afford to send my kid to school!
Well, now, in order to make the banks stock go up, those mortgages have to be given to people who can afford to pay. No jobs = no mortgage payment = no BoA stock increase!
Henry Ford showed us how it was done. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.
Lower the mortgage interest rates, spread the payments out over 40 or 50 years (or whatever timeframe you want…people are living longer, ya know?) Get the PAYMENTS down, and you will have people lining up at your doors! You will then get to pick who to give the new mortgages to. (I would advise doing credit checks, background checks and citizenship checks this time.)
Make more business loans. (same idea)
BUT really, lets get honest, the bankers don’t want to fix the problem, they want to RESET our economy/currency while making it LOOK like they are trying to fix a problem that really doesn’t exist.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”
Now I must admit, I don’t know exactly how the stock bonuses are given, but if it is in real BoA stock, doesn’t this water down the price?
Hmmm, maybe stop giving stock as bonuses, give toasters instead.
Now I must admit, I don’t know exactly how the stock bonuses are given, but if it is in real BoA stock, doesn’t this water down the price?
Hmmm, maybe stop giving stock as bonuses, give toasters instead.
Now I must admit, I don’t know exactly how the stock bonuses are given, but if it is in real BoA stock, doesn’t this water down the price?
Hmmm, maybe stop giving stock as bonuses, give toasters instead.