Recently around these parts, we’ve been getting some complaints about how it’s been far too long since we’ve chronicled a food eating challenge and a demand for answers. Here’s the rub:

The very first time we wrote about a Food Eating Challenge (FEC), it was a a postmortem congratulations to a man named Oyster Boy. He’d consumed 244 oysters in 1 hour at Ulysses and he’d thrown the gauntlet down for one of you to pick up, vis-a-vis goring yourself for sport. We continued to chronicle them for reasons that don’t take Wall Street’s greatest minds to figure out: they’re fun and if they’re not mentioned on this here site well, it’s like they never happened. We are also big believers in positive reinforcement, and on the rare occasions in which you people actually succeed at completing the task at hand, we like to give you props (alternatively, we believe in the value of telling you that you suck and sicken us when you fail, because we care). Mostly, though it’s because they’re just fun. It’s fun to watch you gorge yourself for sport, and it’s fun for your colleagues to offer obnoxious running commentary throughout the event, especially so for that one massive jackass (you know who you are, and let me just say, you get it).

Having said that, you know what’s not fun? Being told so and so at such and such firm is about to attempt consuming two Munchkins in two hours, or something similarly easy and in no way a challenge. What’s worse is when he or she fails to do even that. So we said no more to covering these non-challenge challenges, to save you and ourselves from the embarrassment, secondhand and otherwise. Today, however, brings a shot at redemption you don’t want to pass by.

According to CNBC’s Kate Kelly, Dunkin’ Brands is planning an IPO for this summer. Could there be a better way to celebrate the event than a serious food eating challenge comprised of the items sold by DD? The answer is no, there couldn’t. As the underwriters of the deal, JPMorgan and Barclays should be the ones to step up to the plate but we’re happy to open the field to anyone who wants to participate, be it with an IPO day FEC or one sooner, as a pump up to the offering. Initial ideas that come include consuming ten dozen Munchkins in 30 minutes or the one of every single item on the breakfast menu, including donuts, coffee and sandwiches in 90 minutes but feel free to get creative.

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Comments (52)

  1. Posted by Anonymous | April 14, 2011 at 6:56 PM

    Do they still have those Sausage Pancake Bites? If yes, I challenge Bess Levin to a “how many can you get in your mouth without gagging” munch off.

    Oh yes I did.

  2. Posted by Guest | April 14, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    The donuts would have to be hand selected for the proper hole dimension, but I could see a contest where a young woman or man (in this case) eats a stack of donuts from TGFD’s erect manhood.

  3. Posted by VictoryIsMine | April 14, 2011 at 7:02 PM

    A scoop of all 31 flavors of BR in maybe 90 mins?

  4. Posted by ExtraOrdinaryPopularDelusions | April 14, 2011 at 7:16 PM

    I agree, the two of you would have a great munch-off. Can I watch?

  5. Posted by Gentleman Trader | April 14, 2011 at 7:17 PM

    This is an excellent idea Bess…i’m thinking some sort of revolutionary war re-enactment, except instead of trading musket balls they will be gorging themselves with delicious fried batter. Hoping to get my two Barclays sales people in a conference room w/ my two JPMorgan sales people. i’ll supply 100 munchkins to each team. first one to finish gets a 10% bump in commission dollars from their current ’11 estimate.

  6. Posted by an elaborate plan | April 14, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    Nationwide FEC, everyone keeping buying and eating until the share price doubles and KKD drops to $0.01/share…than I we all do a long dunkin/short KKD strategy to begin the real FEC, eating your body weight (and that of a stripper from beamers) in usda grade A quality beef at Lugers

  7. Posted by Hotdog | April 14, 2011 at 7:21 PM

    3 dozen glazed donuts in an hour is doable

  8. Posted by Jr | April 14, 2011 at 7:21 PM

    Secretarys can race to see who can eat donutsaoff my cock

  9. Posted by sell side | April 14, 2011 at 7:22 PM

    Sounds like the cost of munchkins would exceed the commission dollars

  10. Posted by Lynn | April 14, 2011 at 7:22 PM

    Been there, done that,
    -LT

  11. Posted by Anonymous | April 14, 2011 at 7:24 PM

    One doughnut isn’t much of a challenge

  12. Posted by PasteSpecialFormats | April 14, 2011 at 7:24 PM

    We missed a great opportunity a few weeks ago with “Trollin’ at Taco Bell” as well. Someone (not I, or anyone I work with, since I’m a pussy and this place is pretty staid) could have done:

    Quickest to get through the 10-taco family meal (including chips and soda)
    or
    One of every item in an afternoon (beef only, or other amount of time)

    Must be: wearing a visor, sunglasses on a Croakie, oxford shirt, critter shorts, and Sperrys (all from Vineyard Vines).

  13. Posted by Guest | April 14, 2011 at 7:25 PM

    Has anyone tried the Big N Tasty? I haven’t yet, just wondering what people’s thoughts were.

    – Guy who is not afraid to pretend DB is Yelp.

  14. Posted by D. Kneale | April 14, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    Can I play, too?

  15. Posted by derp | April 14, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    I’m delicious

    -MB

  16. Posted by Dunkin Dykstra | April 14, 2011 at 7:30 PM

    I gave a hooker a jelly doughnut once, does that count?

  17. Posted by DM | April 14, 2011 at 7:32 PM

    No can do for this hombre. If I even have one Big N’ Toasty, the result will be a day-long Big N’ Floaty.

  18. Posted by Charles Joaquin Gasparino | April 14, 2011 at 7:32 PM

    Duncan Brand is a friend of mine.

  19. Posted by Proxyguy | April 14, 2011 at 7:33 PM

    I’d be happy to take on the eating competition in BL’s living room

  20. Posted by Gentleman Trader | April 14, 2011 at 7:33 PM

    Is that you Collins Stewart? In your case, yes…the cost of the munchkins do exceed your commission dollars…and no you’re not invited to compete.

    best,
    GT

  21. Posted by Anonymous | April 14, 2011 at 7:33 PM

    We’ll tape it and sell it on DB and use the money to do a MBO of DB.

    Gal who knows the Commentariat is way more interested in seeing Bess on tape than her.

  22. Posted by Guest | April 14, 2011 at 7:34 PM

    That picture made it move.

    -guy noticing the lack of slam pieces in his office….

  23. Posted by Guestorama | April 14, 2011 at 7:37 PM

    OK, not an eating contest per se, but how we take the guy in the office who “can only drink very fine coffees, like from Cafe Grumpy or the stuff made from the crap of civet cats” and force 12 cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee down his throat.

  24. Posted by Indeed | April 14, 2011 at 7:38 PM

    I promise I won’t cum in your mouth.

  25. Posted by FinkNottle | April 14, 2011 at 7:43 PM

    Can I help you with financing for the equity and mezzanine tranches of that deal? I have some great ideas involving s&m gear for the tape and I look good naked.

    – Lynn T

  26. Posted by Anonymous | April 14, 2011 at 7:45 PM

    With yourself maybe but not with me.

    A card carrying member of the Digital Dillweed Brigade.

  27. Posted by curiousKitty | April 14, 2011 at 7:48 PM
  28. Posted by Dunkin Doknots | April 14, 2011 at 7:49 PM

    I promise I won’t powder in your mouth.

  29. Posted by Yay | April 14, 2011 at 7:49 PM

    pmco – you’re a cvnt

  30. Posted by Lewis Winthorpe III | April 14, 2011 at 7:51 PM

    And it must be started sometime between 3 and 5am.

  31. Posted by Anonymous | April 14, 2011 at 7:55 PM

    I know. xoxo

  32. Posted by Guest | April 14, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    Who knew Katy Perry was doing donut ads?

  33. Posted by bro pesci | April 14, 2011 at 8:01 PM

    Obvious non-peer bro, as Vineyard Bines doesn’t make or sell Sperrys, champ.

  34. Posted by Anonymous | April 14, 2011 at 8:02 PM

    No thx Lynn. I’m trying to keep this classy.

  35. Posted by Sawwe | April 14, 2011 at 8:10 PM

    Santorum

  36. Posted by Shecky Sunblock | April 14, 2011 at 8:12 PM

    Q. Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.

    Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.

  37. Posted by Guest | April 14, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    I did. I hear it was right after she melted my popsicle….

  38. Posted by Anonymous | April 14, 2011 at 8:14 PM

    It would appear that they do not. They do, on the other hand, have something described as a “stuffed breadstick,” which comes in two flavours: pizza and cheeseburger, the latter of which is described as “stuffed with tasty Ground Beef, cheese and mustard,” and looks like a phallic poptart filled with dog vomit.

    https://www.dunkindonuts.com/content/dunkindonuts/en/menu/stuffed_breadsticks.html

  39. Posted by Jeffy Dahmer | April 14, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    ( .Y. )

  40. Posted by PasteSpecialFormats | April 14, 2011 at 8:16 PM

    Well aware they don’t sell Sperry’s there, chief. I’m relying on the commentariat here to sort out what’s being bought from VV and what’s being bought from Bloomingdales, or perhaps the marina.

  41. Posted by Guest | April 14, 2011 at 8:24 PM

    rum n oats

  42. Posted by Cisco "Flip" Engineer | April 14, 2011 at 8:33 PM

    I loved Rum and Oats “Private Eyes”. It was their best!

  43. Posted by Spanishmoon | April 14, 2011 at 8:33 PM

    Munchkins don’t count dude

  44. Posted by Kobe Beef Bryant | April 14, 2011 at 8:35 PM

    Bess Levin is a relative of mine.

    /Chazzersize Gasparino

  45. Posted by Guest | April 14, 2011 at 8:40 PM

    oh dear. Raja-muffin in a spot(tail) of trouble being “generous” with his defense witnesses too….

  46. Posted by The Egg Board | April 14, 2011 at 8:53 PM

    Who in his/her right mind would consume something that came out of an animal’s ass???

    Meanwhile, I’d really like to have some eggs right about now…..

  47. Posted by In-and-Out | April 14, 2011 at 9:09 PM

    Is this spit or swallow?

  48. Posted by Cleavage Wrinkler | April 14, 2011 at 9:10 PM
  49. Posted by InfiniteGuest | April 14, 2011 at 9:52 PM

    “Stuffed breadstick” sounds like something that should have a repulsive entry in the urban dictionary.

  50. Posted by Guestarino | April 14, 2011 at 10:30 PM

    Reverse FEC – Winner is JPM or Barclay employee who can “Ping” the most donut holes.

  51. Posted by Guest | April 15, 2011 at 1:09 PM

    I thought it referred to the act of “sounding”

  52. Posted by Sleeper | April 15, 2011 at 3:45 PM

    I’d like to get in this although I will be fitting them in the opposite end.

    -Ping