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Dunkin IPO Offers Golden Opportunity For Eating Challenge Failures To Redeem Themselves

Recently around these parts, we’ve been getting some complaints about how it’s been far too long since we’ve chronicled a food eating challenge and a demand for answers. Here’s the rub:

The very first time we wrote about a Food Eating Challenge (FEC), it was a a postmortem congratulations to a man named Oyster Boy. He’d consumed 244 oysters in 1 hour at Ulysses and he’d thrown the gauntlet down for one of you to pick up, vis-a-vis goring yourself for sport. We continued to chronicle them for reasons that don’t take Wall Street’s greatest minds to figure out: they’re fun and if they’re not mentioned on this here site well, it’s like they never happened. We are also big believers in positive reinforcement, and on the rare occasions in which you people actually succeed at completing the task at hand, we like to give you props (alternatively, we believe in the value of telling you that you suck and sicken us when you fail, because we care). Mostly, though it’s because they’re just fun. It’s fun to watch you gorge yourself for sport, and it’s fun for your colleagues to offer obnoxious running commentary throughout the event, especially so for that one massive jackass (you know who you are, and let me just say, you get it).

Having said that, you know what’s not fun? Being told so and so at such and such firm is about to attempt consuming two Munchkins in two hours, or something similarly easy and in no way a challenge. What’s worse is when he or she fails to do even that. So we said no more to covering these non-challenge challenges, to save you and ourselves from the embarrassment, secondhand and otherwise. Today, however, brings a shot at redemption you don’t want to pass by.

According to CNBC’s Kate Kelly, Dunkin’ Brands is planning an IPO for this summer. Could there be a better way to celebrate the event than a serious food eating challenge comprised of the items sold by DD? The answer is no, there couldn’t. As the underwriters of the deal, JPMorgan and Barclays should be the ones to step up to the plate but we’re happy to open the field to anyone who wants to participate, be it with an IPO day FEC or one sooner, as a pump up to the offering. Initial ideas that come include consuming ten dozen Munchkins in 30 minutes or the one of every single item on the breakfast menu, including donuts, coffee and sandwiches in 90 minutes but feel free to get creative.

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52 Responses to “Dunkin IPO Offers Golden Opportunity For Eating Challenge Failures To Redeem Themselves”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Do they still have those Sausage Pancake Bites? If yes, I challenge Bess Levin to a “how many can you get in your mouth without gagging” munch off.

    Oh yes I did.

  2. Guest says:

    The donuts would have to be hand selected for the proper hole dimension, but I could see a contest where a young woman or man (in this case) eats a stack of donuts from TGFD’s erect manhood.

  3. VictoryIsMine says:

    A scoop of all 31 flavors of BR in maybe 90 mins?

  4. Gentleman Trader says:

    This is an excellent idea Bess…i’m thinking some sort of revolutionary war re-enactment, except instead of trading musket balls they will be gorging themselves with delicious fried batter. Hoping to get my two Barclays sales people in a conference room w/ my two JPMorgan sales people. i’ll supply 100 munchkins to each team. first one to finish gets a 10% bump in commission dollars from their current ’11 estimate.

    • sell side says:

      Sounds like the cost of munchkins would exceed the commission dollars

      • Gentleman Trader says:

        Is that you Collins Stewart? In your case, yes…the cost of the munchkins do exceed your commission dollars…and no you’re not invited to compete.

        best,
        GT

  5. an elaborate plan says:

    Nationwide FEC, everyone keeping buying and eating until the share price doubles and KKD drops to $0.01/share…than I we all do a long dunkin/short KKD strategy to begin the real FEC, eating your body weight (and that of a stripper from beamers) in usda grade A quality beef at Lugers

  6. Hotdog says:

    3 dozen glazed donuts in an hour is doable

  7. Jr says:

    Secretarys can race to see who can eat donutsaoff my cock

  8. PasteSpecialFormats says:

    We missed a great opportunity a few weeks ago with “Trollin’ at Taco Bell” as well. Someone (not I, or anyone I work with, since I’m a pussy and this place is pretty staid) could have done:

    Quickest to get through the 10-taco family meal (including chips and soda)
    or
    One of every item in an afternoon (beef only, or other amount of time)

    Must be: wearing a visor, sunglasses on a Croakie, oxford shirt, critter shorts, and Sperrys (all from Vineyard Vines).

    • Lewis Winthorpe III says:

      And it must be started sometime between 3 and 5am.

    • bro pesci says:

      Obvious non-peer bro, as Vineyard Bines doesn’t make or sell Sperrys, champ.

      • PasteSpecialFormats says:

        Well aware they don’t sell Sperry’s there, chief. I’m relying on the commentariat here to sort out what’s being bought from VV and what’s being bought from Bloomingdales, or perhaps the marina.

  9. Guest says:

    Has anyone tried the Big N Tasty? I haven’t yet, just wondering what people’s thoughts were.

    – Guy who is not afraid to pretend DB is Yelp.

  10. Dunkin Dykstra says:

    I gave a hooker a jelly doughnut once, does that count?

  11. DM says:

    No can do for this hombre. If I even have one Big N’ Toasty, the result will be a day-long Big N’ Floaty.

  12. Charles Joaquin Gasparino says:

    Duncan Brand is a friend of mine.

  13. Proxyguy says:

    I’d be happy to take on the eating competition in BL’s living room

  14. Guest says:

    That picture made it move.

    -guy noticing the lack of slam pieces in his office….

  15. Guestorama says:

    OK, not an eating contest per se, but how we take the guy in the office who “can only drink very fine coffees, like from Cafe Grumpy or the stuff made from the crap of civet cats” and force 12 cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee down his throat.

  16. Indeed says:

    I promise I won’t cum in your mouth.

  17. Guest says:

    Who knew Katy Perry was doing donut ads?

  18. Sawwe says:

    Santorum

  19. Shecky Sunblock says:

    Q. Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.

    Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.

  20. Jeffy Dahmer says:

    ( .Y. )

  21. Kobe Beef Bryant says:

    Bess Levin is a relative of mine.

    /Chazzersize Gasparino

  22. Guest says:

    oh dear. Raja-muffin in a spot(tail) of trouble being “generous” with his defense witnesses too….

  23. Guestarino says:

    Reverse FEC – Winner is JPM or Barclay employee who can “Ping” the most donut holes.

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