If you’ve been wondering lately whether or not you’d actually go to jail for putting semen- your own or otherwise- into the water bottle of an unsuspecting coworker, but felt weird about asking and didn’t want to arouse suspicion, wonder no longer. Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions, as well as performing a blind taste test at home using a sample obtained from her fiancee? He pleaded guilty in February and was sentenced last week to time in jail, among other things.

Michael Kevin Lallana, 32, was sentenced Friday to six months in jail and three years’ probation for twice depositing his semen into a co-worker’s water bottle, which she later drank from. Lallana was also ordered by the court to register as a sex offender, according to the Orange County District Attorney’s office.

If you’re thinking maybe the “I just wanted her to like me but I was scared to talk to her” defense will get you off, think again.

Prosecutors said Lallana committed the crime for sexual gratification. “He admitted that he was attracted to her, and that it was something about her lips having touched the water bottle that turned him on,” Deputy Dist. Atty. Brock Zimmon said…His attorneys argued he did not commit criminal battery because there was no application of force, Zimmon said. They also contended Lallana was driven by “narcissistic personality disorder,” not sexual purposes, Zimmon said. “Their excuse was that he just did this because he was immature,” Zimmon said.

[LATimes]

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Comments (61)

  1. Posted by Mexi-cant | April 26, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    That whore wanted to swallow.

  2. Posted by Lewis Winthorpe III | April 26, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    Haha Bess, I know you didn’t want to use that last tag but there’s really no way around it for this article, is there?

  3. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 2:53 PM

    Please be specific about the type of prison sentenced to.

    – Matt T

  4. Posted by LD | April 26, 2011 at 2:54 PM

    When I have a crush on someone I throw feces on the wall

    -Lenny

  5. Posted by Short, But Long | April 26, 2011 at 2:56 PM

    What if you use someone else’s semen?

  6. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 2:57 PM

    Correct.

  7. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 2:59 PM

    Six months of ingesting semen in jail seems kind of fitting punishment. Nice work, Deputy Dist. Atty. Brock Zimmon.

  8. Posted by MK Lallana | April 26, 2011 at 3:00 PM

    Is that David Lat?

  9. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 3:00 PM

    I’ve been there sister
    -Lynn T.

  10. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 3:03 PM

    is he getting a blow job in this picture?

  11. Posted by The Observer | April 26, 2011 at 3:05 PM

    No mention of the trial that her and her boyfriend conducted? That was the best part.

  12. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    I too was disappointed to see no mention of the at-home reenactment.

  13. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 3:12 PM

    You mean the thing I did a 2,000 word post on already, in February?

  14. Posted by MichaelKevinLlama | April 26, 2011 at 3:15 PM

    Deputy Dist. Atty. Brock Zimmon said that “Tiffany’s sorority name, Cum Guzzler, should not be admissible as counter-evidence”

  15. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 3:30 PM

    How much time do you get for putting semen in a co-workers shoe? Just asking…

    - Rex

  16. Posted by InfiniteGuest | April 26, 2011 at 3:38 PM

    It’s bound to turn up on 48 Hours Mystery sooner or later.

  17. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 3:39 PM

    Yeah, but you liked it.

  18. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    I totally get how lips touching things can be a turn on.

  19. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 3:52 PM

    Suck me, beautiful.

  20. Posted by Seaman Bodine | April 26, 2011 at 3:53 PM

    samir and kumar escape from guantanom bay II

  21. Posted by Liberace | April 26, 2011 at 3:57 PM

    For a special flourish during concerts, I always liked tulips on my organ.

  22. Posted by L&O Fan | April 26, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    I can’t wait until this story is ripped from the headlines.

  23. Posted by Raja | April 26, 2011 at 4:02 PM

    I was just practicing for Bernie

  24. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 4:03 PM

    You sure know how to charm a girl, don’t you?

  25. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 4:16 PM

    Where are the clients’ water bottles?

  26. Posted by Spanishmoon | April 26, 2011 at 4:20 PM

    It was a rookie mistake for him not to use the jelly donuts in the break room instead

  27. Posted by Teaser | April 26, 2011 at 4:23 PM

    Coming to a theater near you! You’ll laugh. you’ll cry…you’ll now know why! A musical extravaganza only real life could write! The singing, the dancing, the jerking!! Ripped from today’s headlines: “A Taste of Conflict”….Starring Peter North as “Michael Lallana”, Lynn Tilton as “the affected co-worker”, Dealbreaker’s “Confused Commenter” as the co-worker’s boyfriend in a sordid tale of the human cost of spurned affection. Watch as the big screen reveals emotions jerked in different directions as the ocean spray of affection is tested in the most intimate way the screen allows!

  28. Posted by Water Bottle | April 26, 2011 at 4:45 PM

    Is the formula for the circumference of a circle still Pi(R)^2 because he’s either a really good shot or ….

  29. Posted by Mexi-Cant | April 26, 2011 at 5:04 PM

    Whore.

  30. Posted by LeggMason | April 26, 2011 at 5:09 PM

    They are a few cases on the Utopia.
    ~Bill Miller

  31. Posted by Munchkin69 | April 26, 2011 at 5:11 PM

    The high protein glaze saved Krispy Kreme from bankruptcy.

  32. Posted by LeggMasonCorrect | April 26, 2011 at 5:23 PM

    *there are

  33. Posted by Momentus | April 26, 2011 at 6:18 PM

    That is disgusting.

    –Guy who likes the way he looks.

  34. Posted by Momentus | April 26, 2011 at 6:18 PM

    That is disgusting.

    –Guy who likes the way he looks.

  35. Posted by Momentus | April 26, 2011 at 6:18 PM

    That is disgusting.

    –Guy who likes the way he looks.

  36. Posted by North Pole #71 | April 26, 2011 at 6:45 PM

    Only a 12 oz water bottle?!? Amateur!
    -P. North

  37. Posted by North Pole #71 | April 26, 2011 at 6:45 PM

    Only a 12 oz water bottle?!? Amateur!
    -P. North

  38. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:01 PM

    Suck me, beautiful, and look me in the eyes while you do it.

    Better?

  39. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:01 PM

    Suck me, beautiful, and look me in the eyes while you do it.

    Better?

  40. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:01 PM

    Suck me, beautiful, and look me in the eyes while you do it.

    Better?

  41. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    Much better. Thx for caring about me. xoxo

  42. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    Much better. Thx for caring about me. xoxo

  43. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    Much better. Thx for caring about me. xoxo

  44. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    Much better. Thx for caring about me. xoxo

  45. Posted by Anonymous | April 26, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    Much better. Thx for caring about me. xoxo

  46. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Federal pound me in the ass prison

  47. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Federal pound me in the ass prison

  48. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Federal pound me in the ass prison

  49. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Federal pound me in the ass prison

  50. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    Federal pound me in the ass prison

  51. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:46 PM

    Only if you’re too retarded to tell the difference between area and circumference.

  52. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:46 PM

    Only if you’re too retarded to tell the difference between area and circumference.

  53. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:46 PM

    Only if you’re too retarded to tell the difference between area and circumference.

  54. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:46 PM

    Only if you’re too retarded to tell the difference between area and circumference.

  55. Posted by Guest | April 26, 2011 at 7:46 PM

    Only if you’re too retarded to tell the difference between area and circumference.

  56. Posted by Guest | April 27, 2011 at 1:13 AM

    Think of poor Tiffany. She is now unable to drink bottled water without a guy applying pressure to the back of her head.

  57. Posted by Guest | April 27, 2011 at 1:18 AM

    I bet Bess’s water bottle is an 8-roper…

  58. Posted by Ayatollah Khomeni | April 27, 2011 at 4:10 PM

    What angers me the most about all of this is that we have not seen a photo of the victim, and so I’m wondering if she was even jerk-worthy…..

  59. Posted by Fred C | May 1, 2011 at 5:41 PM

    Over the past ten years, I’d applied to work at Northwestern Mutual, a they would never hire me. I thought it was my age or working poor background. It seems that I’m just not spunky enough for that company’s culture.

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