Financial Services Employee Who Inserted His DNA Into A Co-Workers Water Bottle Gets Jail Time

If you’ve been wondering lately whether or not you’d actually go to jail for putting semen- your own or otherwise- into the water bottle of an unsuspecting coworker, but felt weird about asking and didn’t want to arouse suspicion, wonder no longer. Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions, as well as performing a blind taste test at home using a sample obtained from her fiancee? He pleaded guilty in February and was sentenced last week to time in jail, among other things.

Michael Kevin Lallana, 32, was sentenced Friday to six months in jail and three years’ probation for twice depositing his semen into a co-worker’s water bottle, which she later drank from. Lallana was also ordered by the court to register as a sex offender, according to the Orange County District Attorney’s office.

If you’re thinking maybe the “I just wanted her to like me but I was scared to talk to her” defense will get you off, think again.

Prosecutors said Lallana committed the crime for sexual gratification. “He admitted that he was attracted to her, and that it was something about her lips having touched the water bottle that turned him on,” Deputy Dist. Atty. Brock Zimmon said…His attorneys argued he did not commit criminal battery because there was no application of force, Zimmon said. They also contended Lallana was driven by “narcissistic personality disorder,” not sexual purposes, Zimmon said. “Their excuse was that he just did this because he was immature,” Zimmon said.


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61 Responses to “Financial Services Employee Who Inserted His DNA Into A Co-Workers Water Bottle Gets Jail Time”

  1. Mexi-cant says:

    That whore wanted to swallow.

    • Guest says:

      Think of poor Tiffany. She is now unable to drink bottled water without a guy applying pressure to the back of her head.

  2. Lewis Winthorpe III says:

    Haha Bess, I know you didn’t want to use that last tag but there’s really no way around it for this article, is there?

  3. Anonymous says:

    Please be specific about the type of prison sentenced to.

    — Matt T

  4. LD says:

    When I have a crush on someone I throw feces on the wall


  5. Short, But Long says:

    What if you use someone else’s semen?

  6. Guest says:

    Six months of ingesting semen in jail seems kind of fitting punishment. Nice work, Deputy Dist. Atty. Brock Zimmon.

  7. MK Lallana says:

    Is that David Lat?

  8. Guest says:

    I’ve been there sister
    -Lynn T.

  9. Anonymous says:

    is he getting a blow job in this picture?

  10. The Observer says:

    No mention of the trial that her and her boyfriend conducted? That was the best part.

  11. MichaelKevinLlama says:

    Deputy Dist. Atty. Brock Zimmon said that “Tiffany’s sorority name, Cum Guzzler, should not be admissible as counter-evidence”

  12. Anonymous says:

    How much time do you get for putting semen in a co-workers shoe? Just asking…

    – Rex

  13. Anonymous says:

    I totally get how lips touching things can be a turn on.

  14. Seaman Bodine says:

    samir and kumar escape from guantanom bay II

  15. Liberace says:

    For a special flourish during concerts, I always liked tulips on my organ.

  16. L&O Fan says:

    I can’t wait until this story is ripped from the headlines.

    • Teaser says:

      Coming to a theater near you! You’ll laugh. you’ll cry…you’ll now know why! A musical extravaganza only real life could write! The singing, the dancing, the jerking!! Ripped from today’s headlines: “A Taste of Conflict”….Starring Peter North as “Michael Lallana”, Lynn Tilton as “the affected co-worker”, Dealbreaker’s “Confused Commenter” as the co-worker’s boyfriend in a sordid tale of the human cost of spurned affection. Watch as the big screen reveals emotions jerked in different directions as the ocean spray of affection is tested in the most intimate way the screen allows!

  17. Raja says:

    I was just practicing for Bernie

  18. Guest says:

    Where are the clients’ water bottles?

  19. Spanishmoon says:

    It was a rookie mistake for him not to use the jelly donuts in the break room instead

  20. Water Bottle says:

    Is the formula for the circumference of a circle still Pi(R)^2 because he’s either a really good shot or ….

  21. Momentus says:

    That is disgusting.

    –Guy who likes the way he looks.

  22. Momentus says:

    That is disgusting.

    –Guy who likes the way he looks.

  23. Momentus says:

    That is disgusting.

    –Guy who likes the way he looks.

  24. North Pole #71 says:

    Only a 12 oz water bottle?!? Amateur!
    -P. North

  25. North Pole #71 says:

    Only a 12 oz water bottle?!? Amateur!
    -P. North

  26. Guest says:

    I bet Bess’s water bottle is an 8-roper…

  27. Ayatollah Khomeni says:

    What angers me the most about all of this is that we have not seen a photo of the victim, and so I’m wondering if she was even jerk-worthy…..

  28. Fred C says:

    Over the past ten years, I’d applied to work at Northwestern Mutual, a they would never hire me. I thought it was my age or working poor background. It seems that I’m just not spunky enough for that company’s culture.

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  30. I8EIa1 Muchos Gracias for your blog post.Much thanks again. Great.