Thornton
For his new book about Goldman Sachs, Money and Power, William Cohan goes inside to figure out the Masters of the Universe’s secrets to success. Speaking to FINS recently, Cohan noted that the firm subscribes to a “work hard, work hard” mantra (as opposed to “work hard, play hard”) and that it goes to great lengths to nail the idea into employees’ heads that failure is not tolerated. For instance, former president John Thornton once mentioned, while pitching a potential client, “If we do not get this mandate, I will personally slit the throats of all my team and drink their blood.” This of course got us nostalgic enough to break into the GS archives for some other motivational quotes by Thornton, all of which, as was the case on the throat slitting deal, got the job done.
* May 12, 1986: “If we do not get this mandate, I will personally take a piss in the mouths of everyone on my team.”
* January 16, 1989: “This pitchbook looks like you took a crap or a dump in the printer. I should fire you and burn down your house. I am thisclose to raping you.”
* March 4, 1992: “[To no one in particular] I am a strong man! Anyone in this office take a run at me!”
* February 14, 1995: “If we do not get this mandate, I will make you dress up in your most expensive suit, lock you in a dark padded room and play Cher’s ‘Believe In Life After Love’ for 18 straight hours.”
* June 22, 1996 “[To a group of incoming analysts] If you so much as even entertain the though to taking a lunch break I will make you reenact the climactic scene from Jerry McGuire with your co workers- and no one leaves until it’s perfect!”
Yeah? Oh yea tough guy?! Wanna make that trade? Take these estrogen pills, stick this sharpie up your ass and blow me.
This guy wouldn’t last one trade on my floor.
Do they have lunch breaks at UBS?
He is the original Tiger Mom.
The glasses say “I don’t have very good vision,” but the sly smile says “I was just tea bagged by a golden scrot.”
May 2, 1996: “If we do not get this mandate, I will personally hire Michael Kevin Lallana as the office waterboy.”
May 2, 1996: “If we do not get this mandate, I will personally hire Lynn Tilton as the office diversity officer.”
May 2, 1996: “If we do not get this mandate, I will give Lenny Dykstra the keys to your house. Good luck cashing that rent check.”
What a dork…I guarantee he was the last guy picked in grade school for sports teams.
Bess, didn’t that Cher song come out three years after that quote? Other than that I have no concerns.
You aren’t the strongest Thornton in this firm
- S. Thornton, Goldman Sachs, Innisfree Office
The fact that you know that means that you should go ahead and push the “Castrate” button.
This guy is my inspiration!
no surprise, you both like getting man dates.
November 21, 1997: [to a first-year analyst handing in a pitchbook with minor grammatical errors] “I have been lifting weights and doing cocaine ALL DAY! I am *ACTUALLY* going to kill you!”
November 21, 1997: [to a first-year analyst handing in a pitchbook with minor grammatical errors] “I have been lifting weights and doing cocaine ALL DAY! I am *ACTUALLY* going to kill you!”
November 21, 1997: [to a first-year analyst handing in a pitchbook with minor grammatical errors] “I have been lifting weights and doing cocaine ALL DAY! I am *ACTUALLY* going to kill you!”
In before American psycho quotes
In before American psycho quotes
In before American psycho quotes
Yet he seemed so mellow when he played the grandfather on “The Gilmore Girls”…
-Former BSC Risk Manager (whose ex-wife made him watch the show)
Yet he seemed so mellow when he played the grandfather on “The Gilmore Girls”…
-Former BSC Risk Manager (whose ex-wife made him watch the show)
Yet he seemed so mellow when he played the grandfather on “The Gilmore Girls”…
-Former BSC Risk Manager (whose ex-wife made him watch the show)
“What does that mean? ‘China is here?’ I don’t even know what the hell that means. All I know is this Lo Pan character comes from out of thin air in the middle of a goddamned alley, while his buddies are flying around on wires, ripping everyone to shreds…and he just stands there, waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him? With LIGHT coming out of his mouth?!”
-Guy Who Sees a Little Kurt Russell in John Thornton
“What does that mean? ‘China is here?’ I don’t even know what the hell that means. All I know is this Lo Pan character comes from out of thin air in the middle of a goddamned alley, while his buddies are flying around on wires, ripping everyone to shreds…and he just stands there, waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him? With LIGHT coming out of his mouth?!”
-Guy Who Sees a Little Kurt Russell in John Thornton
“What does that mean? ‘China is here?’ I don’t even know what the hell that means. All I know is this Lo Pan character comes from out of thin air in the middle of a goddamned alley, while his buddies are flying around on wires, ripping everyone to shreds…and he just stands there, waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him? With LIGHT coming out of his mouth?!”
-Guy Who Sees a Little Kurt Russell in John Thornton
November 21, 1997: [to a first-year analyst handing in a pitchbook with minor grammatical errors] Come here…sit down…why are you crying huh? Oh, I see. Well, yes, you have lots of reasons to be crying. Son, we live in a world where formatting trumps substance, and those formats are protected by men with attention to detail. Who’s gonna do that….you? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at your little analyst bitch sessions, you want me reviewing that pitchbook, you need me reviewing that pitchbook
November 21, 1997: [to a first-year analyst handing in a pitchbook with minor grammatical errors] Come here…sit down…why are you crying huh? Oh, I see. Well, yes, you have lots of reasons to be crying. Son, we live in a world where formatting trumps substance, and those formats are protected by men with attention to detail. Who’s gonna do that….you? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at your little analyst bitch sessions, you want me reviewing that pitchbook, you need me reviewing that pitchbook
November 21, 1997: [to a first-year analyst handing in a pitchbook with minor grammatical errors] Come here…sit down…why are you crying huh? Oh, I see. Well, yes, you have lots of reasons to be crying. Son, we live in a world where formatting trumps substance, and those formats are protected by men with attention to detail. Who’s gonna do that….you? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at your little analyst bitch sessions, you want me reviewing that pitchbook, you need me reviewing that pitchbook
I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!
I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!
I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!
that was atrocious.
that was atrocious.
that was atrocious.
just because you read it somewhere else doesn’t make it funny.
just because you read it somewhere else doesn’t make it funny.
February 14, 1995: Oh, you’re not going to give me the mandate? Let me clue you in on why you need to change your mind. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren’t in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I’d bang your tuna girlfriend.
February 14, 1995: Oh, you’re not going to give me the mandate? Let me clue you in on why you need to change your mind. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren’t in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I’d bang your tuna girlfriend.
February 14, 1995: Oh, you’re not going to give me the mandate? Let me clue you in on why you need to change your mind. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren’t in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I’d bang your tuna girlfriend.
You’re fired. Please get the door on your way out.
You’re fired. Please get the door on your way out.
You’re fired. Please get the door on your way out.
In a trading enviroment it should have been “my bitches” or “you cunts” depending on the tense. Not “my team” …just kills the whole implied threat and reminds that this mo is just two steps out of his last meeting.
May 26, 1995:
“You smart, well-connected motherfuckers will make this deal work or I’ll have you sweating like a hooker working on ‘$1 night’ during Fleet Week.”
Come here… sit down… kill yourself.
April 1, 1995:
“You know what I’m holding up here, you assholes? Yes! A mattress!! Who said that?? Who said that! INFESTATION!! Now watch this……(*sound of fabric being torn*)…See that!?!? What is it?? YES!! A MATTRESS TAG!!! I just ripped a mattress tag off a mattress, bitches!! You see what I am capable of…..so… MAKE THAT DEAL WORK OR ELSE!!
Don’t even take a fucking bagel
Hmm, wonder what take your daughter to work day was like for him.