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Colossal Cupcake Gets The Better Of Citi Trader

On several occasions around these parts, we’ve had discussions about what constitutes a worthy food eating challenge. And, more to the point, what constitutes a food eating challenge worth covering. To understand our position, one must know the history of our writing about The Food Eating Challenge (FEC), which began with a trader named Ian AKA Oyster Boy, who, in the summer of 2007, bet that he could consume 144 oysters in one hour at Ulysses. He completed the task at hand in a mere 15 minutes and then, ate 100 more in the remaining 45 minutes (which the staff had to bring in from next door, as they’d run out after the first leg). The gauntlet had been thrown down. And while a good number of you set out to perform feats of gastrointestinal fortitude that were imaginative, topical and, most importantly somewhat difficult, some thought that endeavoring to consume 8 vending machine items in 12 hours could be considered a challenge. After a while, we stated that such combinations of quantity + time would not be chronicled on our watch, in order to save yourselves (and ourselves) the embarrassment (first and second hand) of not only thinking that what amounts to a snack could be considered something someone would have a hard time completing but the shame of not even finishing it, which happened more than once.

Which brings us to a FEC that occurred earlier today at Citigroup, the merits of which are currently being hotly debated.

The contender was a Citi trader and the challenge was this: one Crumbs Colossal Cupcake, 35 minutes. Successful completion of task (which included keeping said cupcake down) would mean $600. With 96% completed and ten minutes to go, the cupcake made a “messy appearance on the floor,” resulting in a fail.

Now, normally, we’d be of the opinion that this entire challenge, from start to finish, was an abysmal, embarrassing failure, illustrative of what some believe is the pussification of Wall Street, and one that should never be spoken of. How is a cupcake a challenge, one would ask. However.

Anyone who’s ever eaten a Crumbs cupcake will tell you that while the failure was a disappointment, this was a challenge that few if any would stand a chance at actually beating. For those who’ve never had one of these things, it’s like hooking yourself up to ten IVs of sugar. Eating one regular-sized Crumbs cupcake will leave you nauseated, weak and necessitate laying down until the feeling of needing to vomit passes (and you’re lucky if it remains but a feeling). A year later, you might think to yourself that maybe it was just a one-off bad experience that was all in your head; you might try another stab at it, only to be fooled twice and, as you lay in the fetal position, you might wonder what the proper term is for feeling like you’re going to die from too much sugar (is it hyperglycemia? Is it insulin shock? Is it diabetic shock? Or is that when you haven’t had enough sugar?). And that’s the regulation size cupcake! Here’s how the Colossal is described:

“…towers at about six and a half inches high with deliciousness and love baked into every bite. Soft sponge cake with mountains of frosting and heaps of fun decorations will have cupcake lovers everywhere rejoicing. A huge (and we mean huge) surprise for a birthday or any occasion you can dream of. Serves 6-8.”

And while it’s not as hard as, say, Oyster Boy’s, it’s definitely a FEC he’d approve of, as would we. (Not the failure, the challenge.) Others, like a friend we’ve been having a blood-boiling debate with about the matter, feel differently.

“Actually I’ve never done dessert-related eating contests. That’s just fucking gross. Who wants instant diabetes? Like once a year I’ll have like three Magnolia cupcakes and spend the rest of the day trying to find a way to knock myself unconscious to sleep it off. That challenge is kind of a disgrace. I understand the fail but it’s like – why do that to yourself? It’s a useless challenge. I don’t respect it, it’s trash because it’s sugar-based. I like do-able challenges that involve filling a stomach to overcapacity, NOT gimmicks where an overload of a specific ingredient which can do real damage to you is the limiting factor. A useful challenge is one actually WORTH betting on, spectating at, etc. This is more just like a stupid, sad display that mankind should collectively sweep under the rug and never, EVER speak of again. Let me distill my opinion this way. If you die in a bacon eating contest, you die a hero. People will sing songs about you around campfires for decades into the future. If you die eating an oversized cupcake? Well, really, that’s just mother nature’s way of thinning the herd.”

Notice how he admits that it would be extremely difficult, and perhaps not even doable at all, but because it doesn’t fit into his narrow-minded idea of what a food challenge should be, deems it garbage? Of course bacon is more respectable but that’s not the point, the point is, is this hard? So hard that it could be called a challenge? That’s how this and all FEC’s should, nay, must be evaluated. If you should have any thoughts on the issue, do let us know at this time.

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67 Responses to “Colossal Cupcake Gets The Better Of Citi Trader”

  1. How do we know it was the sugar that did him in and not the love?

  2. Non-fucking-sense. Put that in a blender with milk. Consume like you are Lynn Tilton in a non-cumming-in-mouth-competition.

  3. Sir says:

     “My anaconda don’t want none, not unless its got buns hun.”

    -Sir Mix-Alot on FEC 

  4. Guest says:

    I like apple pies.

    -J. Biggs

  5. PasteSpecialFormats says:

    I believe I mentioned this before, but we (by ‘we,’ I mean someone other than myself) should try a Taco Bell FEC:

    1. Past midnight in the Penn Station Taco Bell
    2. Wearing Vineyard Vines
    3. 1 Family Taco Meal (which I believe is 10 hard- and/or soft-shelled tacos, chips, etc)
    4. Under 15 (maybe 20) minutes
    5. Bonus for taking someone home afterward

    This meets the above’s definition of a balanced-meal FEC as well, since you get carbs, fat, and protein in one giant-ass box.

    • Anonymous says:

      Giant-ass box…I see what you did there. xoxo

    • LWIII says:

      I believe it’s 10 tacos/burritos, and in high school we had the rule that at least 5 of them had to be burritos because they’re much more filling.

      Giant-ass box still applies.

  6. Sir Drinks-a-lot says:

    AGREED. Now do Vodka shots

  7. Anonymous says:

    A T-bone steak, cheese, eggs, and Welch’s grapes.

    -C Wallace

  8. Guest says:

    Conclusion: 6-8 cupcake-loving toddlers could beat one Citi trader at almost anything.

  9. B. Blutarsky says:

    Pussies.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Cupcakes?? Real men eat cat food.

    – Guy who wonders why Wachovia failed

  11. Anonymous says:

    I’m with you, Bess. Saying an overload of something that can do you damage disqualifies this as a legitimate FEC is bad logic. On that basis there is no good FEC. I’m pretty sure too much bacon or too many Sausage Pancake Bites is bad for you too.

    PS may I have an I Love DB badge now?

  12. I'm a dude says:

    at least we can short the crumbs company now

  13. Guest says:

    “…towers at about six and a half inches high with deliciousness and love baked into every bite. ”

    are we talking about a cupcake or my cock?

    -SAC

  14. Guest says:

    I guess this means “There is always room for desert” isnt in fact true. However citing diabetes for a reason to justify this as a challenge is weak. its a cop-out and thats why Citi…  SUCKS!

    -UBS MD who is glad to have a “Sucking” companion

  15. Guest says:

    friend hating on the challenge = SC

  16. Anonymous says:

    If you dont finish the cupcake, my colleagues and I would love to have the leftovers.

    – UBS MD in Stamford

  17. Guest says:

    Its very simple…one of every item out of the vending machine during mkt hours. Still have not seen anyone complete this. Avg vending machines pack about 6-7k calories all added up. That’s a true FEC. 

    • Guest says:

      in no way is that a challenge.

    • 25th Hour Trader says:

      I wonder why no trader* does this during trading hours?  Oh yeah maybe b/c they’re TRADING instead of putting themselves into a food coma.  Having your priorities straight is the NKI.

      *not applicable if you’re in compliance/back office/any employee of UBS

  18. Lamar Odom says:

    I could eat ten of those in that time.  And then pound a bag or two of Skittles.

    For realz, bitchez.

  19. Guest says:

    nom nom nom nom zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………………………………..

  20. AmericanSeafoodCouncil says:

    I don’t relish the role of iconclast, but Oyster Boy has gotten into the Pantheon of FEC Heros on the cheap.  A normal-sized raw oyster contains fewer than 10 calories.  144 oysters barely amounts to lunch at KFC.   At 25mg sodium per delicious bivalve, you wouldn’t be doing your blood pressure any favors, but it probably isn’t worse than binging on a back of Cheetos. 

  21. Brooklyn Bully says:

    Short Citi, fail….

  22. Jealous_guy says:

    Who is this “friend” you were hotly debating with? I’ll kill him.

  23. Squinting Genius of Markets says:

    In picture #2 do I see a note to not call Galleon?

  24. Jamie Dimon says:

    Cupcakes? Really? It’s only a few small steps from that to Diet Tab-sipping contests, turteneck-wearing contests, and whistling-with-grapes-in-your-mouth contests. Wall Street has gone soft, and in all the wrong ways.

  25. Lewis Ranieri says:

    Can you get back to me when someone takes down a gallon of guacamole in 20 minutes? The rest are amateurs.

  26. Gecko's Taint says:

    All right folks, the new FEC challenge.  One bull dick marinated in soy and served with an assortment of seasonal vegetables with your choice of white or brown rice.  Must go down in no more than 20 mins.

    http://videosift.com/video/A-Rare-Delicacy-Bull-Penis

    Your welcome,

    G.G.

  27. Guest says:

    Cool story bro

  28. John O says:

    I got challenged to do this bet for $300, the same cupcake. This is going to be awful…

  29. John O says:

    I ate 3/4 of the cupcake and I couldn't eat any more… I am 6'5" and 230lbs, this is one big f**king cupcake. The mere sight of cupcakes or frosting is likely to make me sick for weeks… This is a bet to leave to the pros, don't try this at home kids.

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  32. Really cup cake is too tasty. i am in love that too much. it is my favorite item. i eat this food regularly. are you like this ? besides, i can the make cup cake. my making method too good and different. however, if you need some of useful little soy products so just check out our gluten free foods.

  33. cake stands says:

    I think it will be very testy !!