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Lobster-Loving Expert Network Empress Winifred Jiau Found Guilty

Winifred Jiau, the Primary Global consultant who worked closing with, among others, ex-SAC portfolio manager Noah Freeman, was found guilty on insider trading charges this morning, after two days of jury deliberations. The 43 year-old Jiau now faces up to 20 years for securities fraud and an additional five years for conspiracy. For the math whizzes in the group, that means she’ll be a mere 68 years old when sprung free. If you’ve been keeping up, you know even those who Wini drove to fantasies of killing her and making it look like an accident (no names: Noah Freeman) couldn’t deny she was the best at providing material non-public information and since there’s no reason to believe she won’t keep her skills sharp while in the joint, anyone looking to hook up with her in 2036 would be wise to write the following down.

Likes:

* Lobsters (Maine, not South African, so help you god)

* iPhones

* Cheesecake Factory

* bossing your ass around, in case there’s any question as to who’s who in this relationship

Dislikes:

* Traders who think she gives a baker’s fuck about their schedules

* People who think she gives up recipes without getting her sugar

Jiau Found Guilty At Insider Trading Trial [WSJ]

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21 Responses to “Lobster-Loving Expert Network Empress Winifred Jiau Found Guilty”

  1. Not Eaten says:

    When does the murder trial begin?
    -Lobsters

  2. Guest says:

    Robsters?

  3. That’s like 175 in dog years.

  4. I give this verdict two ROR’s up!

  5. Raj says:

    Pro Tip: Don’t drop your soap in the shower or you’ll end up with more insider tips than you can handle 

  6. Hungry Intern says:

    Never would have thought that someone would give up their freedom for CAKE, In-N-Out maybe, but not CAKE.

    • Guest says:

      The commenting was going along so well up to this point. It had a rhythm. You killed it. Now we have to start over.

  7. Chompers says:

    Never trust a robster with one craw.

    /Confucius

  8. Judge says:

    I’m going to sentence you to 20 minutes in the oven on 475 for securities fraid and and then let you cool for 5 more minutes for conspiracy before eating.

  9. Guest says:

    Way to make a typo while critiquing a typo.

  10. Def Leppard says:

    She defamed our song.

  11. Olive Garden says:

    When the menu has more pages than your indictment, you have a class problem. 

  12. Cherish Oare says:

    Pat on the back again…

  13. Probably it might have been extra exciting if Amy Adams’ character were played by a monkey.

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