• 20 Jun 2011 at 12:21 PM

Lobster-Loving Expert Network Empress Winifred Jiau Found Guilty

By

Winifred Jiau, the Primary Global consultant who worked closing with, among others, ex-SAC portfolio manager Noah Freeman, was found guilty on insider trading charges this morning, after two days of jury deliberations. The 43 year-old Jiau now faces up to 20 years for securities fraud and an additional five years for conspiracy. For the math whizzes in the group, that means she’ll be a mere 68 years old when sprung free. If you’ve been keeping up, you know even those who Wini drove to fantasies of killing her and making it look like an accident (no names: Noah Freeman) couldn’t deny she was the best at providing material non-public information and since there’s no reason to believe she won’t keep her skills sharp while in the joint, anyone looking to hook up with her in 2036 would be wise to write the following down.

Likes:

* Lobsters (Maine, not South African, so help you god)

* iPhones

* Cheesecake Factory

* bossing your ass around, in case there’s any question as to who’s who in this relationship

Dislikes:

* Traders who think she gives a baker’s fuck about their schedules

* People who think she gives up recipes without getting her sugar

Jiau Found Guilty At Insider Trading Trial [WSJ]

Comments (21)

  1. 1
    Posted by Not Eaten | June 20, 2011 at 4:32 PM

    When does the murder trial begin?
    -Lobsters

  2. 2
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 4:42 PM

    Robsters?

  3. 3
    Posted by InfiniteGuest | June 20, 2011 at 4:48 PM

    That’s like 175 in dog years.

  4. 4
    Posted by CurrencyTrader | June 20, 2011 at 4:49 PM

    I give this verdict two ROR’s up!

  5. 5
    Posted by Raj | June 20, 2011 at 4:57 PM

    Pro Tip: Don’t drop your soap in the shower or you’ll end up with more insider tips than you can handle 

  6. 6
    Posted by Hungry Intern | June 20, 2011 at 4:59 PM

    Never would have thought that someone would give up their freedom for CAKE, In-N-Out maybe, but not CAKE.

  7. 7
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 5:16 PM

    The commenting was going along so well up to this point. It had a rhythm. You killed it. Now we have to start over.

  8. 8
    Posted by Chompers | June 20, 2011 at 5:17 PM

    Never trust a robster with one craw.

    /Confucius

  9. 9
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 5:22 PM

    Do you get funnier when you’re drunk?

  10. 10
    Posted by ExtraOrdinaryPopularDelusions | June 20, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    Or about 3,219 Chinese dog years.

    nom nom

  11. 11
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 6:00 PM

    Watch out! She’ll do a back-flip into a chopper-kick followed by a hundred rending kicks on your ass!

    Ryu

  12. 12
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    Piss-off back to business insider dickchugger 

  13. 13
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 6:27 PM

    Steve Schwarzman likes this

  14. 14
    Posted by Judge | June 20, 2011 at 6:33 PM

    I’m going to sentence you to 20 minutes in the oven on 475 for securities fraid and and then let you cool for 5 more minutes for conspiracy before eating.

  15. 15
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 6:44 PM

    Who knew beign fraid of securities was a crime, best get me a lawyer.

    Dick Fulb

  16. 16
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 6:45 PM

    Sweet oven roasted moses that sounds harsh!

  17. 17
    Posted by Guest | June 20, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    Way to make a typo while critiquing a typo.

  18. 18
    Posted by Def Leppard | June 20, 2011 at 7:13 PM

    She defamed our song.

  19. 19
    Posted by Olive Garden | June 21, 2011 at 3:46 AM

    When the menu has more pages than your indictment, you have a class problem. 

  20. 20
    Posted by Cherish Oare | May 9, 2012 at 11:08 PM

    Pat on the back again…

  21. 21
    Posted by Hollie Ganguli | October 3, 2012 at 10:03 AM

    Probably it might have been extra exciting if Amy Adams’ character were played by a monkey.