August 2011

  • News

    Write-Offs: 08.31.11

    $$$ PIMCO launches hedge fund-like “go anywhere” bond fund (WSJ) $$$ Nouriel Roubini: “We are entering a recession based on my numbers.” (Bloomberg TV) $$$ David Tepper’s offices were reportedly closed this week due to a loss of electricity. (Opalesque) $$$ Darren Rovell Gives the World an Insight Into His Hiring Process (Daily Intel)

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 6:05 PM
  • News

    Bob Kelly Says Good-Bye To BNY Mellon

    Apparently he and the board had a difference of opinion on how the place should be run.

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 6:02 PM
  • News

    Bill Ackman Isn’t Ready To Introduce Investors To His New Money-Maker Yet

    In his most recent letter to Pershing Square investors, hedge fund manager Bill Ackman dropped a bomb. The fund has added a new star to its portfolio and a big one at that. “In the past, we have made asymmetric investments which are not for hedging purposes, but which also offer large payoffs on relatively […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 5:06 PM
  • News

    Artificial Intelligence Fund Will Use Computer To Find You A Wife

    Rebellion Research is a hedge fund that uses Artificial Intelligence to invest, being of the mind that computers = smart, man = stupid (It’s pretty clear that human beings aren’t improving,” Spencer Greenberg, the brains behind Rebellion’s AI system, has said. “But computers and algorithms are only getting faster and more robust.”) The firm had […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 4:47 PM
  • News

    Bernie Madoff Beats Reporters Off With A Stick, No Longer Respects Charlie Gasparino

    The Ponz Master apparently emailed Gasparino to tell him as much last night and to let him know that their previously scheduled date? CANCELED.

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 4:04 PM
  • News

    DoJ Tries To Block AT&T/T-Mobile Merger; Not Yet Taking Competition From LightSquared Seriously

    LightSquared, the wireless-broadband company owned mostly by Harbinger and its disgruntled former investors has had a good run recently, announcing a spectrum deal with Sprint, helping with Hurricane Irene, and not actually killing anyone yet (that we know of). You might think that it’s well on its way to fulfilling its mission of increasing competition […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 3:24 PM
  • News

    Master Of The Universe Saves Family From Vermont Flooding, Takes Calls With Reporters Mid-Rescue To Make Sure They’re Getting This

    With the bridges out in Pittsfield, Vermont, and its 400 residents marooned, Wall Street trader Scott Redler took matters into his own hands: He hired a helicopter and was back home in New Jersey yesterday afternoon. Redler’s family were weekend wedding guests when Hurricane Irene’s heavy rains pushed the Tweed River over its banks, smashing […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 2:18 PM
  • News

    Attention Single Men Looking For Love And/Or To Get Their Hedge Fund Off The Ground: Westchester Divorcée’s Got What You Need

    From Forbes: “In a 15-page complaint filed in Manhattan’s New York state court earlier this week, Simon accuses his wife, Linda Simon, of hacking into a password-protected Twin Capital computer located in the Simon’s home in Purchase, N.Y. and duplicating the hard-drive. The lawsuit claims that the hacking took place shortly after Simon had vacated […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 1:52 PM
  • News

    Got Plans This Weekend?

    UBS invites you to get linguistic.

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 1:45 PM
  • News

    Hustler Club Patron Apparently Not Yet Sober Enough To Remember “Old Fashion Ale-4″ Is Code For “HJ In The Men’s Room”

    This is just a little public service announcement for anyone planning on hitting up a strip club with colleagues after work or during lunch today- the Hustler Club doesn’t have time for your bull shit about 1) being overserved and 2) blacking out to the point that you were “no longer capable of conducting financial […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 1:17 PM
  • News

    Person On The Internet Says Gold Is A Bubble

    Here’s a perfect sentence to draw the ire of gold bugs: “But like paper money, gold is worth only what people believe it is worth, and because of this, it is sometimes referred to as the barbarous relic.” Look at all the buttons it presses: comparing gold to paper money! Saying that its value is […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 11:54 AM
  • News

    Angelo Mozilo: Lover, Friend, Prophet

    Angelo Mozilo, June 26, 2008: “Bank of America will reap the benefits of what we have sowed.” August 31, 2011:

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 10:47 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 08.31.11

    Merkel’s Cabinet Approves Larger Euro-Rescue Fund as Dissent Ebbs (Bloomberg) “We’re in a now-familiar phase of ifs and buts from lawmakers but the bill will pass,” Peter Grottian, a politics professor at Berlin’s Free University, said by phone yesterday. “What’s more painful: risking the collapse of the government and a devastating economic backlash, or gritting […]

    / Aug 31, 2011 at 8:37 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 08.30.11

    $$$ Everybody who hadn’t yet sued BofA did today, or will soon (WSJ, Dealbook, NYT, Reuters) $$$ Divisions at Fed Resulted in Compromise on Interest Rates (NYT) $$$ Lehman seeking creditor vote on $65 billion payout (Reuters) $$$ Consumer confidence crumbles to 2-year low (Reuters) $$$ Today is the last day to sign up for […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 8:04 PM
  • News

    Layoffs Watch ’11: UBS

    The Swiss apparently began implementing their new revenue-generating plan earlier this afternoon.

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 7:03 PM
  • News

    How Would You Like To Vote For Carl Icahn’s Clorox Slate?

    What’s in it for you? Well…if you elect his co-workers, family and friends to run Clorox, he’ll put the company up for auction and get you at least $78 a share. Or, if he can’t, he’ll just give you the $78 himself. But only half of that will be in real money. The rest will […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 6:53 PM
  • News

    Blow One Out For Warren Tonight

    The Oracle turned 81 today and it’s possible that he won’t have enough DQ milkmaids on hand to get out all the candles. Unlikely, but possible.

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 6:50 PM
  • News

    Charlie Gasparino Has Met/Likes Brian Moynihan, Which Is Why It Kills Him To Describe His “Half-Witted” Boy As “The Most Unqualified CEO In All Of Corporate America”

    There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to offer a friend a ride on the straight talk express. The better the friend, the harder it is and the more important it is to force them to hear the truth. It might be difficult to say, and the words might sting but […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 6:48 PM
  • News

    Harbinger-Backed LightSquared Has Apparently Been Helping The Irene Relief Efforts

    This comes as a bit of a surprise as we were under the impression LightSquared was still in the testing/trying to prove it’s not going to cause “devastating interference,” sink a battleship, kill some people/working out the kinks phase. Still, it’s wonderful to hear regardless, not just since it’s nice thing to do but because it […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 5:38 PM
  • News

    IASB Thinks European Banks Should Use Market Prices, European Banks Think Otherwise

    Here, in no particular order, are some things that piss off European financial regulators: – Independent non-government entities with semi-official standing tasked with helping investors assess the balance sheets of companies; – Talking shit about European banks; – Financial markets, as a tool of price discovery; – Financial markets, all kinds. If only someone could […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 3:29 PM
  • News

    Thespian-cum-Trading Guru Suggests You Get Your Vision Checked

    Shia LaBeouf was escorted out of the LA opening of The Box nightclub by security Friday night after a confrontation with a pal of shock rocker Marilyn Manson [after LaBeouf “picked up a water bottle…and started spitting it all over his tablemates, including Marilyn Manson“]. The “Transformers” star “exchanged terse words with a friend of […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 1:56 PM
  • News

    How To Make Your Hedge Fund A Runaway Success, By Alphonse Fletcher Jr. (Part II)

    Remember Alphonse “Buddy” Fletcher Jr.? He’s the veteran of Wall Street who last month laid out some tips for making your firm a runaway success. They included making math work for you (Fletcher says his firm has “more than $500 million of assets under management. But it appears to arrive at this figure by counting […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 1:39 PM
  • News

    Bill Gross: Romance Between China And The US Is Complicated

    Apparently they’ve been together for years? And say I love you though only because they have to? And are basically just fuck buddies but still apparently care enough to get upset and over-analyze the relationship to their friends? And sometimes China dresses up in leather and uses its 7 piece bondage kit on us?

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 11:23 AM
  • News

    IMF Employees Give Dominique Strauss-Kahn The Clap

    Strauss-Kahn, who was with his wife French TV personality wife Anne Sinclair, drove himself to the headquarters of the International Monetary Fund and met briefly with his successor and fellow French national Christine Lagarde. He later addressed a packed auditorium out of reach of the cameras of televisions crews and photographers who had camped outside […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 10:23 AM
  • News

    Opening Bell: 08.30.11

    BofA Cashes In Its China Chips (WSJ) But Bank of America faces additional worries because of its 2008 acquisition of Countrywide Financial Corp., the troubled California lender that is the source of many bad mortgages now plaguing the bank. “No one really knows the capital hole that sits there,” said Mr. Miller, the bank analyst […]

    / Aug 30, 2011 at 7:57 AM
  • News

    Write-Offs: 08.29.11

    $$$ BofA Strikes Pact to Sell Half of CCB Stake (WSJ) $$$ Profits Falling, Banks Confront a Leaner Future (NYT) $$$ Alan Krueger nominated to head Council of Economic Advisors (WP) $$$ Brussels rules out bank recapitalisation (FT) $$$ President Obama’s uncle arrested for drunk driving, claims he’ll arrange bail through White House (NYDN) $$$ […]

    / Aug 29, 2011 at 7:37 PM
  • News

    Innkeepers Just Wants Cerberus To Tell It What It Did Wrong

    Three-headed hell-dog of a private equity firm Cerberus recently backed out of a deal to buy hotel operator Innkeepers out of bankruptcy because … uh … well, it’s been a bit of an intriguing mystery so far. Turns out it’s still a mystery to Innkeepers as well, so they’ve decided to sue and find out:

    / Aug 29, 2011 at 7:36 PM
  • News

    What Wall Street Can Learn From Serena Williams

    From time to time around these parts, we like to canvas the world outside Wall Street to see how they deal with certain issues, particularly those related to crisis management. Often times, there are helpful tips to be borrowed and applied to any pre or post Code Red office situations in which you might find […]

    / Aug 29, 2011 at 7:06 PM

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