It probably wouldn’t be too out of bounds to say that at least a handful of you have considered jerking off in a coworker’s water bottle. Conservatively. As prudent risk managers however, you’ve held off until you could quantify how much non-reward you would be getting with each unit of risk. Finally, and not a moment too soon for some, we got answers.

Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Very briefly: he’s the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out. Then, a couple months later, he allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it.” Lab results as well as a double blind taste test conducted at home (she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work”) confirmed she was not crazy and MKL, who said he he ejaculated into the water bottle because “her lips had touched it…It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” was referred to the Orange County Police Department.

Anyway, yesterday he was ordered to pay $27,410.80 to his victime (for “loss of wages, therapy and medical expenses, including the money she paid to have the tainted water tested”), on top of serving 6 months in jail and registering as a sex offender.

Man who ejaculated in co-worker’s water bottle ordered to pay restitution [LATimes]

36 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (36)

  1. Posted by Privatejettier | August 9, 2011 at 10:49 AM

    still cheaper than attending an Obama fundraiser just to have jizz all over your industry the next day.

  2. Posted by Anon1 | August 9, 2011 at 10:50 AM

    the "elevate" hoodie is classically ironic

  3. Posted by Bandersnatch | August 9, 2011 at 10:54 AM

    I respect him for not wanted to tamper with his marriage. I assume his wife gave him kudos for his fidelity.

  4. Posted by Purewater | August 9, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    Fuck, this guy bought me a Kahlua and Cream a few months ago.

  5. Posted by 2_Small_2_Bail | August 9, 2011 at 11:16 AM

    At my old job, people paid extra for the eggroll sauce.

    -MK Lallana

  6. Posted by guest | August 9, 2011 at 11:20 AM

    Yes, he's a real prize. She's a lucky girl.

  7. Posted by Nafissatou Diallo | August 9, 2011 at 11:22 AM

    $27,000? I'm gonna get a lot more than that and he didn't even finish

  8. Posted by Biff | August 9, 2011 at 11:23 AM

    Do we have a picture of the plucky victim? Doing the Coke vs Pepsi challenge taste test is golden.

  9. Posted by Put_Option | August 9, 2011 at 11:24 AM

    In case you felt like finding ya boy MK;

    According to his profile, he is the 'Slow Jam King'. What is the world coming to when weirdos sign up for Myspace?

  10. Posted by guest | August 9, 2011 at 11:30 AM
  11. Posted by Biff | August 9, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    Yah, she looks pretty darn plucky. Trailer hitches come to mind.

  12. Posted by Dr_Rosenrose | August 9, 2011 at 11:34 AM

    Hi, my name is Michael. I'm moving into your neighborhood and the state says I have to let you know that I am a registered sex offender. It's nothing creepy though, really a misunderstanding. All I did was repeatedly jerk off into the water bottle of a coworker for whom I unrequitedly pined and then spied amorously as she imbibed my manhood. Anyway, I also babysit – nice to meet you.

  13. Posted by Abe Froman | August 9, 2011 at 11:43 AM

    $13,500 per shot is a decent price

  14. Posted by Texashedge | August 9, 2011 at 11:55 AM

    It's Sweet Dee!

  15. Posted by trojan_ | August 9, 2011 at 11:57 AM


  16. Posted by one | August 9, 2011 at 11:59 AM

    Way too much.

    – B. Clinton

  17. Posted by Backdoor_Bess | August 9, 2011 at 12:02 PM

    Kudos to her husband who is obviously still getting his wand sucked and goo gobbled……most broads stop that shit after marriage…….

    ~ guy who sometimes wishes that he married a whore

  18. Posted by @JustinUrrkunt | August 9, 2011 at 12:11 PM

    What an idiot.

    Lonely Island's funny song and music video is called "Jizz in My Pants", not

    "Jizz in My Hot Workmate's Bottle Water, Which Caused Her to Compare the Flavor With Her Boyfriend's Jizz in a Different Bottle of Water."

    The title is also not as catchy.

  19. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 12:13 PM

    Tell us more.

  20. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 12:13 PM


  21. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 12:20 PM

    Clever girl, doing a blind test at home, her finacee must have been pretty happy with the testing procedure.

  22. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 12:30 PM

    Does it count as "swallowing" if you swallow it from a bottle?

  23. Posted by Hungry Intern | August 9, 2011 at 12:33 PM

    What is a sex offender?

  24. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 12:46 PM


  25. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 1:04 PM

    His mistake was doing it to a granny.

    – Roman Polanski

  26. Posted by Peter North | August 9, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Hell, I'd be broke at $13,000 per.

  27. Posted by Nouveau Richie | August 9, 2011 at 1:54 PM

    You suck.

  28. Posted by Whats in your H20 | August 9, 2011 at 2:41 PM

    PMCO, if you're ever in doubt, there is no need to wait 'til you get home. Just let me know if you're needing to perform a double blind taste test.

  29. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 3:11 PM

    How does this legal precedent affect Matt Taibbi?

  30. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    please kill yourself

  31. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 7:03 PM

    Should I not have done that?

  32. Posted by Guest | August 9, 2011 at 7:31 PM

    fuck you

  33. Posted by El Ronbo | August 9, 2011 at 7:43 PM

    Please do keep posting this childish stuff. I want independent voters to see conservatives for the immature folks they really are, people who shouldn't be trusted with the reins of power.

  34. Posted by guest | August 10, 2011 at 12:03 AM

    Lallana Pudding anyone?

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