It probably wouldn’t be too out of bounds to say that at least a handful of you have considered jerking off in a coworker’s water bottle. Conservatively. As prudent risk managers however, you’ve held off until you could quantify how much non-reward you would be getting with each unit of risk. Finally, and not a moment too soon for some, we got answers.
Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Very briefly: he’s the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out. Then, a couple months later, he allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it.” Lab results as well as a double blind taste test conducted at home (she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work”) confirmed she was not crazy and MKL, who said he he ejaculated into the water bottle because “her lips had touched it…It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” was referred to the Orange County Police Department.
Anyway, yesterday he was ordered to pay $27,410.80 to his victime (for “loss of wages, therapy and medical expenses, including the money she paid to have the tainted water tested”), on top of serving 6 months in jail and registering as a sex offender.