Financial Services Employee Who Inserted His DNA Into A Colleague’s Water Bottle Ordered To Pay $13,500 Per Shot

It probably wouldn’t be too out of bounds to say that at least a handful of you have considered jerking off in a coworker’s water bottle. Conservatively. As prudent risk managers however, you’ve held off until you could quantify how much non-reward you would be getting with each unit of risk. Finally, and not a moment too soon for some, we got answers.

Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Very briefly: he’s the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out. Then, a couple months later, he allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it.” Lab results as well as a double blind taste test conducted at home (she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work”) confirmed she was not crazy and MKL, who said he he ejaculated into the water bottle because “her lips had touched it…It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” was referred to the Orange County Police Department.

Anyway, yesterday he was ordered to pay $27,410.80 to his victime (for “loss of wages, therapy and medical expenses, including the money she paid to have the tainted water tested”), on top of serving 6 months in jail and registering as a sex offender.

Man who ejaculated in co-worker’s water bottle ordered to pay restitution [LATimes]

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36 Responses to “Financial Services Employee Who Inserted His DNA Into A Colleague’s Water Bottle Ordered To Pay $13,500 Per Shot”

  1. Privatejettier says:

    still cheaper than attending an Obama fundraiser just to have jizz all over your industry the next day.

    • trojan_ says:


    • El Ronbo says:

      Please do keep posting this childish stuff. I want independent voters to see conservatives for the immature folks they really are, people who shouldn't be trusted with the reins of power.

  2. Anon1 says:

    the "elevate" hoodie is classically ironic

  3. Bandersnatch says:

    I respect him for not wanted to tamper with his marriage. I assume his wife gave him kudos for his fidelity.

  4. Purewater says:

    Fuck, this guy bought me a Kahlua and Cream a few months ago.

  5. 2_Small_2_Bail says:

    At my old job, people paid extra for the eggroll sauce.

    -MK Lallana

  6. Nafissatou Diallo says:

    $27,000? I'm gonna get a lot more than that and he didn't even finish

  7. Biff says:

    Do we have a picture of the plucky victim? Doing the Coke vs Pepsi challenge taste test is golden.

  8. Put_Option says:

    In case you felt like finding ya boy MK;

    According to his profile, he is the 'Slow Jam King'. What is the world coming to when weirdos sign up for Myspace?

  9. Dr_Rosenrose says:

    Hi, my name is Michael. I'm moving into your neighborhood and the state says I have to let you know that I am a registered sex offender. It's nothing creepy though, really a misunderstanding. All I did was repeatedly jerk off into the water bottle of a coworker for whom I unrequitedly pined and then spied amorously as she imbibed my manhood. Anyway, I also babysit – nice to meet you.

  10. Abe Froman says:

    $13,500 per shot is a decent price

  11. Backdoor_Bess says:

    Kudos to her husband who is obviously still getting his wand sucked and goo gobbled……most broads stop that shit after marriage…….

    ~ guy who sometimes wishes that he married a whore

  12. What an idiot.

    Lonely Island's funny song and music video is called "Jizz in My Pants", not

    "Jizz in My Hot Workmate's Bottle Water, Which Caused Her to Compare the Flavor With Her Boyfriend's Jizz in a Different Bottle of Water."

    The title is also not as catchy.

  13. Guest says:

    Clever girl, doing a blind test at home, her finacee must have been pretty happy with the testing procedure.

  14. Hungry Intern says:

    What is a sex offender?

  15. Guest says:


  16. Guest says:

    His mistake was doing it to a granny.

    – Roman Polanski

  17. Whats in your H20 says:

    PMCO, if you're ever in doubt, there is no need to wait 'til you get home. Just let me know if you're needing to perform a double blind taste test.

  18. Guest says:

    How does this legal precedent affect Matt Taibbi?

  19. Guest says:

    Should I not have done that?

  20. guest says:

    Lallana Pudding anyone?

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