It probably wouldn’t be too out of bounds to say that at least a handful of you have considered jerking off in a coworker’s water bottle. Conservatively. As prudent risk managers however, you’ve held off until you could quantify how much non-reward you would be getting with each unit of risk. Finally, and not a moment too soon for some, we got answers.
Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Very briefly: he’s the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out. Then, a couple months later, he allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it.” Lab results as well as a double blind taste test conducted at home (she “asked her fiancee to put his semen in a separate water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work”) confirmed she was not crazy and MKL, who said he he ejaculated into the water bottle because “her lips had touched it…It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” was referred to the Orange County Police Department.
Anyway, yesterday he was ordered to pay $27,410.80 to his victime (for “loss of wages, therapy and medical expenses, including the money she paid to have the tainted water tested”), on top of serving 6 months in jail and registering as a sex offender.
Man who ejaculated in co-worker’s water bottle ordered to pay restitution [LATimes]
still cheaper than attending an Obama fundraiser just to have jizz all over your industry the next day.
the "elevate" hoodie is classically ironic
I respect him for not wanted to tamper with his marriage. I assume his wife gave him kudos for his fidelity.
Fuck, this guy bought me a Kahlua and Cream a few months ago.
At my old job, people paid extra for the eggroll sauce.
-MK Lallana
Yes, he's a real prize. She's a lucky girl.
$27,000? I'm gonna get a lot more than that and he didn't even finish
Do we have a picture of the plucky victim? Doing the Coke vs Pepsi challenge taste test is golden.
In case you felt like finding ya boy MK; http://www.myspace.com/bigblaowsc
According to his profile, he is the 'Slow Jam King'. What is the world coming to when weirdos sign up for Myspace?
http://dealbreaker.com/2010/09/financial-services…
Yah, she looks pretty darn plucky. Trailer hitches come to mind.
Hi, my name is Michael. I'm moving into your neighborhood and the state says I have to let you know that I am a registered sex offender. It's nothing creepy though, really a misunderstanding. All I did was repeatedly jerk off into the water bottle of a coworker for whom I unrequitedly pined and then spied amorously as she imbibed my manhood. Anyway, I also babysit – nice to meet you.
$13,500 per shot is a decent price
-Eliot
It's Sweet Dee!
skeetskeetskeet
-TG
Way too much.
- B. Clinton
Kudos to her husband who is obviously still getting his wand sucked and goo gobbled……most broads stop that shit after marriage…….
~ guy who sometimes wishes that he married a whore
What an idiot.
Lonely Island's funny song and music video is called "Jizz in My Pants", not
"Jizz in My Hot Workmate's Bottle Water, Which Caused Her to Compare the Flavor With Her Boyfriend's Jizz in a Different Bottle of Water."
The title is also not as catchy.
Tell us more.
Wow.
Clever girl, doing a blind test at home, her finacee must have been pretty happy with the testing procedure.
Does it count as "swallowing" if you swallow it from a bottle?
What is a sex offender?
-DSK
NTTAWWT?
His mistake was doing it to a granny.
- Roman Polanski
Hell, I'd be broke at $13,000 per.
You suck.
PMCO, if you're ever in doubt, there is no need to wait 'til you get home. Just let me know if you're needing to perform a double blind taste test.
How does this legal precedent affect Matt Taibbi?
please kill yourself
Should I not have done that?
fuck you
Please do keep posting this childish stuff. I want independent voters to see conservatives for the immature folks they really are, people who shouldn't be trusted with the reins of power.
Lallana Pudding anyone?